Sunday, December 1, 2019

Bringing the Darkness Here

This is a continuation of the previous post "I've been here before..."

Ever since deciding that 'I will face all that is here' it hasn't been an easy ride because, well, I am having to face EVERYTHING that I have been suppressing and pushing away underneath and behind 'positive illusions'.

In every moment it seems there is 'something' that I am trying to avoid looking at. I can tell because it literally seems like there is this 'dark spot' or more like a 'dark hole' somewhere deep within me. Where, it's not quite 'here' for me to see, but I can always tell. Because, you can't hide anything from yourself. You can try, but there is always a part of you that is 'painfully' aware of what you're trying to hide. This sense of 'darkness' that just sort of looms on the edges of your awareness.

When I notice that 'edge of darkness', no matter how subtle sometimes, I try to bring it 'here' so that I can really see exactly what it is I am trying to keep myself from seeing. There is lots of fear that comes up as well. Like a petrifying fear of "omg I am going to die!" lol But you don't actually. It just kind of feels like you are, since you're 'stepping into the darkness'.

'Bringing the darkness here' means to stand in and as it. To become it. To really fully embrace all of it, no matter how dark or painful, no matter how much fear comes up. To kind of stand in the point of, "alright, if I'm going to die, then so be it".

Sometimes it's even physically difficult to bring that darkness out of it's 'dark hole' and bring it 'here', where it feels like you've hidden it away physically, and it may actually take some kind of physical 'dying' just to be able to bring the point here. Sometimes it feels like my heart might stop, or I might throw up or something. Or I have to 'retch' it out of me, by physically 'retching' lol It's like I've decided on a deep physical level that this part of me is 'wrong' and therefore must always remain in suppression.

But when I then do stand in and as it, it doesn't feel as 'bad' anymore. Suddenly it actually feels more like I've just gotten closer to 'me'. And yes it may be dark but it's a deep knowing that 'I am home'.

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