Saturday, February 8, 2020

Desperate for Connection

This is a continuation to my previous post "I Love Myself"

I do this thing where I look outward a lot, towards other people with this sort of despair of 'please let me know who I am!!' Wanting 'feedback', but in a very intensely desperate way lol. As if my life depends on it. Like I NEED another person to tell me if I am 'good' or 'bad'. Because deep down I have this huge fear of like, everything basically.

I'm a very fearful, anxious, nervous, terrified little girl. Always looking to others to comfort me and reassure me. As a child it was in a very physical way, in terms of running to my parents whenever I felt afraid or scared of anything, but in a very desperate and lost kind of way. As if I felt extremely alone within myself and even when my parents were there, I could not shake that experience of being 'alone' and just not having a real 'connection' with them. Like, they were 'here' with me, but also not, in some way. And I felt desperate for that real connection. But always ended up feeling so lacking. Just so very alone. Like no one could really see me. As if I was really actually a ghost. Feeling so cold, alone, afraid, disconnected, lost. Looking for some hand to touch mine.

It was just me, and the fear inside myself. And that is how I have lived my life. LOOKING for connection. Instead of CREATING connection. Because I felt victimized by FEAR. I did not realize that what I was looking for wasn't 'here' because 'I' was what I was looking for lol. I was the point of 'connection'. It was something I need to live, and bring into manifestation, and create in this world. Because, it is not here already. But, it is something that is needed. So I must be the solution.

I was expecting a 'perfect world'. But I found something quite lacking. But then I didn't realize my responsibility, power or potential to create that world. To create that connection. I just accepted the fear which was telling me that there is no hope. There is nothing, and that's just the way it is. So I'd always be existing in a desperate search for something that simply 'isn't here'.

No comments:

Post a Comment