Becoming aware of my ANGER

This is a continuation of my previous post "Living Balance"

Did I say anger? I meant HATE. Growing older, into more of an ‘aDULLt’, I’m not so much aware of it now actually – how I used to in fact HATE everything and everyone. I couldn’t STAND when people expressed themselves. I couldn’t STAND myself when I expressed myself. So I never expressed myself. And still don’t. But have long forgotten that I don’t express myself because of all this HATE within me.

The hate came out particularly nasty when I became a teenager. I became a little hateful, judgmental demon. And in my early adolescence it just became more and more compounded within me. The absolute HATE of EVERYONE. Just a ball of hate I was. An interesting thing then happened into early adulthood, in that I became more POSITIVE. And suppressed all the hate that was really there and had been there since almost the beginning. Suddenly I ‘care’ about people and about relationships and suddenly things are ‘positive’. Which has been the greatest deception ever because lo and behold, the HATE is still actually all there – just on dimensions and levels within myself that are hidden from my immediate awareness.

But that hate, actually originated within FEAR. From the fact that I was dealing with massive, intense and incredible amounts of fear within myself, which I didn’t know what to do with. Fear and disempowerment, a lot of it, on such deep levels. Hate was just a particular energy that seemed to allow me to take ALL that fear and disempowerment inside myself and sort of channel or compensate or transform it into something that I could ‘control’, in a way. Something I could direct like arrows and bullets, towards other people, and to myself. It made me feel like I had a sense of ‘power’, rather than just feeling disempowered and afraid all the time.

I mean obviously this is what then caused a great problem. This ‘illusion of power’.  This REACTING to fear with HATE, rather than RESPONDING to it with self-honesty. Since, HATE is now the manifested problem in this physical world and reality. HATE is the human condition. This desire to destroy and attack and abuse and diminish through real-hate-I-on-ships. This taking out our ‘frustrations’ onto one another. Because deep down we actually feel extremely fearful and diminished and disempowered and small but don’t know how to deal with our fears effectively so we take the ‘easy route’ into REACTIONS, like anger and hate.

While, what we should be doing is turning inward and just being real and honest with ourselves about what we’re ACTUALLY going through, no matter how overwhelming or lost or confused we may be feeling. Showing ourselves some LOVE lol. As in some attention and support and care, urging ourselves to open up about what’s going on inside instead of suppressing it all just cause we think it’s too much. Allowing ourselves to stand in and as the fear and the confusion and overwhelmedness. And saying to ourselves “it’s OK. I’m here. It’s alright that you’re going through this. We’ll find a way through.”

And to at least, when we do go into reactions of anger or hate, see them as flag points to urge ourselves to, instead of lashing out, look inward to the point of fear and disempowerment it’s originating from, to work on releasing the source of the problem and so actually live a solution, rather than living in suppression and making everything worse. Cause at the end of the day, even though it may seem like a ‘quick fix’ or a ‘quick route’ to ‘power’, and a way to ‘deal with’ fear and disempowerment, anger and hate is NOT a solution. We need to start taking the difficult route of self-honesty and self-responsibility. Cause we will literally self-destruct if we don’t.

I Can't Do This

This is a continuation of my previous post "Who am I as a COACH?"

I’ve come to realize that there is this programming within my mind of believing and perceiving myself to be disempowered in relation to the mind. That I am just unable and incapable of really moving and directing and changing particular points, that ‘I just can’t do it’. That when it comes to fears and emotions, but mostly the thoughts connected with them, I feel quite disempowered and incapable.

And it seems that mostly what my problem is and has been, is that I kind of expect myself to ‘easily’ transcend or ‘let go’ of these sort of mind points, and then I get frustrated with myself and go into a ‘giving up’ and a sort of ‘laziness’ when it doesn’t seem to be that easy, telling myself that ‘I guess I just can’t do it’. When there is ‘something else’ blocking me and getting in my way, as this ‘wall’ that I keep bumping into. Something that seems to be a bit more ‘stubborn’ or more ‘ingrained’ within me in some way.

A ‘deeper design’ which, if I’m honest with myself, I’ve actually for the most part been suppressing and hiding from myself. So this ‘I can’t do this’-programming is more a consequence of my expectation to sort of be ‘perfect’. Not really recognizing or realizing that when it comes to the mind, sometimes it just takes a little bit of a process to sort of ‘unearth’ a programming. To really understand it in a way that supports me to actually transcend it. I mean especially when it comes to these kind of things that I’ve been suppressing my entire life. Stuff that exist on an unconscious or deeper level.

Cause the thing is, that when I go into this ‘I can’t do this’-programming, I end up going into and developing coping mechanisms wherein I try to escape and hide from all the fears and the thoughts and the experiences that I now believe I cannot change or transcend and am disempowered by. And that’s where I REALLY make myself stagnate and become ‘stuck’.

While, the solution is really just a simple ‘shift’ in perspective. From EXPECTING myself to ‘just transcend the points already’ and ‘be perfect’, to TRUSTING that, with the proper tools – like self-forgiveness and living words – I can do it. It may not be immediate and it may take me a bit of time to really investigate and understand and find the point of ‘direction’, but as long as I apply myself and apply my tools, I will get there.

AND to also be careful to not allow myself to go into those coping mechanisms, and be more aware of when and how I have a tendency to go into them as that’s the real trap of disempowerment. And be more aware of, when the coping mechanisms do come up, where they’re actually coming from as the ‘I can’t do this’-programming, and correct myself in those moments – moving from EXPECTATION to SELF-TRUST.

Moving at the Speed of Light

This is a continuation of my previous post "Desperate for Connection"

When you start staring down into ‘yourself’ and into all the ways and all the points wherein you’re not entirely being ‘self-honest’ or ‘real’ with yourself, all you see is just an infinite and vast amount of dishonesty. Just so many points wherein you’ve given up your power to the mind, and lost touch with yourself, and abdicated self-responsibility.

And I’ve found that, being faced with all of it, I’ve gone into this point of ‘panic’. A panic related to a fear of ‘not making it’. Which has made me rush into trying to change as much as possible and as fast as possible. Trying to walk my process of self-change at quantum speed. Often juggling many different points at once and trying to include as much of the mind as possible when doing my writing and applying self-forgiveness. Really pushing myself to ‘get it done’ as soon as possible.

And because I’m in panic-mode, every little point that comes up from moment to moment, seems of the utmost importance to give my attention to. It’s like every little point that comes up is saying “hey look at this point that you still need to change about yourself! Better get on that Kim, you’re slacking!” And along with that, also going into reactions of judgment of ‘every point I haven’t yet changed’ or of ‘every point I thought I had changed but here it is coming up again!’

And because of all this chasing after the mind in an experience of panic, I never actually feel like I am really on top of anything. Really directing anything. Cause all I can see is just more, and more and more piling up in front of me and, to be honest, I actually kind of feel like I just can’t do it. And I just can’t handle it all. I feel like a little kid, just overwhelmed by expectations, but feeling totally unequipped to live up to them. But not by a lack of trying.

So safe to say my movement within my process has not been…, well I just haven’t been moving all that much actually. Even though I’ve been trying to move at the speed of light, I have only moved incrementally.  Cause I’ve been stuck in this pattern. Of believing I could take on the mind all at once. Which has really only made me feel all the more disempowered within myself.

Cause the reality is that my ‘power’ is more within the ‘small’. Within standing in just one singular point. That’s where I can really direct anything and ‘be on top of’ things. When my focus only has to be on just one point that I am changing, and isn’t slung all over the place, trying to focus on multiple points at once. Real power is within taking on just one point at a time, and walking that one point into change.