Failure as my Friend

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Self-Honesty Personality"

Thank you Anton for sharing this post today, along with the self-forgiveness. I found it truly supportive to read. Because yes, the 'revenge of the ego' is something to remain diligently weary of I have found.

Mostly because, it just fucking sucks when you have to at some point realize that 'oh, the ego got you by the nose and all this time you were fooling yourself in a way'. I mean granted, that experience is also because I tend to judge myself quite harshly over any mistake or weakness or flaw. And at the end of the day even if you get to the point of realizing that 'shit, revenge of the ego got me again', it's just kind of part of your process. You just realize, forgive, get back up and move on.

I mean, the reason why I am so hard on myself when it comes to these points wherein I 'fall' - my flaws, weaknesses and mistakes - is because I have always had an immense fear of 'failing'. Or is it the other way around? Either way, the idea of 'failure' would scare the shit out of me. Like, "but what if I fail in my process?!!!"

And it's funny because, I would always sort of do my very best. Or at least, what I thought was my very best at the time. But with an underlying fear of failing. And then there's been plenty of times when I truly believed I had failed. Where I realized something. Like I realized that I had gone into revenge of the ego as I had diminished in my participation within the group and blogging and vlogging and had been kind of isolating myself. And my reaction to that realization was pretty much, "well, this is it. I failed in my process. Might as well pack up my shit." With wild despair, lostness, deep regret and powerlessness ensuing. There was even a time when I did in fact just give up on process altogether, believing I had 'failed' and should just accept defeat and a life of forevermore feeling lost and defeated. That lasted for a whole of about two years.

What's even funnier is that one of Sunette's early structural resonance alignment video's was an interdimensional being telling me to look out for this fear of failure and not let it make me give up on my process. You can watch the video here if you're curious. So, you know, 'oops'.

And I suppose at least this time I didn't actually 'give up', but I certainly did go through a bit of a 'rough patch', to say the least. Honestly not even recognizing that it was the same point playing out as before. The point of believing I have 'failed' and must now live out the rest of my life in shame. Always reminding myself that I am 'unworthy'.

And that seems to be my attitude with regards to just about any flaw or weakness or mistake I realize about myself. It's almost as though I take that flaw/weakness/mistake, print it out and frame it and place it nicely above the door in my home, as a constant reminder that I'm 'unworthy', because 'look at what I've done!'.

The thing is though that this makes it EXTREMELY difficult to walk process lol. Because I mean, compared to life itself, the mind is full of flaws and weaknesses and mistakes. The mind is the very definition of imperfection. So getting myself to be honest with myself and 'face' those accepted and allowed weaknesses/flaws/mistakes is an excruciating process. Truly a lot more painful than it needs to be, I'll tell you that.

Cause with everything I realize and see about myself, there's that voice in the back going "you failed your process and this is proof". So I guess it's kind of like I am basically already expecting myself to be 'perfect'. But not entirely allowing myself to walk the process needed to actually get there, which is through getting to know my 'imperfections' and correcting those. I rather just think and believe that 'I am perfect' than to actually put in the work to change and correct my imperfections.

So I've made my process unnecessarily tough on myself by creating this internal war between 'success' and 'failure'. Rather than just realizing that really, walking process is very straightforward. I mean there's even an online course for christ's sake. It's all pre-chewed and all neatly layed out for me. I just literally have to follow the steps.

And 'failure'? In a way failure is my 'friend' and 'companion'. As in, the possibility that I may fail. In a way just a reminder for myself that I shouldn't take anything for granted. That I should always push myself as much as I can and never become 'comfortable'.  Where, it's not about FEARING failure. It's just about being real with myself about failure being a possibility. It just all depends on my application in my process.


Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR failure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within and as the fear of failure, basically pretend as though I am 'perfect' so I wouldnt have to face my fear of failure -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that the consequences is that I will eventually end up facing the fear of failure anyways because I am not in fact actually perfect as I havent in fact been walking a process of self-correction through self-honesty but have rather been pretending

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that this is how the fear of failure creates failure itself -- because I end up going into the opposite polarity of believing myself to be 'perfect' and so simply ignoring and suppressing and hiding all my actual flaws and weaknesses and mistakes, where I then eventually will come to a point of having to face the fact that my definition and belief of myself as 'perfect' has been a lie and that in fact it's been the reverse as I've been just accepting and allowing my weaknesses, flaws and mistakes to continue existing without ever learning from them or changing or becoming better

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I've been preoccupying myself within this polarity of fear of failing and believing myself to be perfect because I actually resist and fear changing -- and so have just been making it difficult for myself to simply walk my process in a straightforward manner, in terms of simply walking the necessary steps of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-correction  -- by walking my process as if somehow that doesn't apply to me, as if somehow I must be special

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist changing - as a fear of essentially losing my comfort zone and losing my self-interest -- even when most of my self- and life-experience is actually quite unpleasant and I actually do want to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'change' as something bad - as a survival programming that I've copied from my family who developed it as a coping mechanism during the war - where they were desperate for just holding on to a bit of 'comfort', even if it's not much and even if your life in general is actually quite diminished -- as long as you have that bit of comfort to hold on to, it creates a sense of being 'safe' from the trauma's and the loss and lack that war creates

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this programming of desperately holding on to any bit of 'comfort' as self-interest that I have in my life based on a fear of change connected with a belief that 'change is bad' because of war-trauma

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand how war intensifies self-interest as the being and the mind is pushed more into fear of survival and so will develop coping mechanisms as points of self-interest as comfort zones to handle and suppress the intense and overwhelming amounts of fear associated with war -- and that these points of intensified self-interest is what gets passed down as mind consciousness system programming onto following generations, thus creating future generations that is progressively more self-interested than the previous ones

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that this possessiveness with self-interest as a comfort zone, connected with a fear of change and a belief that change is bad, is not who I really am -- but is mind consciousness system programming that I've accepted within myself, which is actually connected with war-trauma as intense points of fear of survival that I've copied from previous generations

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and understand and realize that change isn't actually bad - and that it's in fact the fear of survival which creates the illusion that 'change is bad' as it brings up fears of not being in control of your possessions, fear of losing possessions and fear of losing what little 'comfort' you have in your life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this 'fear of change due to what my family went through in the war' within and as me - and to live within and as that point of fear of change, wherein I desperately hold on to small points of comfort and self-interest and believe that if I were to lose those, then everything would be nothing but fear and lack and loss, like in the war

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced and defined by my family's experiences during the war - to the point where I am living as though I went through it myself as I've essentially just copied their experiences of intense fear of survival and so fear of change as fear of losing their comfort and possessions -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that all those emotions that they went through and that I copied from them were all actually circumstantial - as they went through war as a consequence, and as they also didnt realize or see or consider that what they were going through was their responsibility as beings to actually learn from in terms of why these consequences are playing out due to what had been accepted and allowed within and as humanity and in existence -- just like the consequences that are playing out on earth is my responsibility as a being

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility as them for 'war' as a consequential play-out of what had been accepted and allowed within existence -- rather than simply going into and copying fear of survival and self-interest as a coping mechanism

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed  myself to see and realize and understand that 'change' is not a 'bad' or even a 'scary' thing -- and that if anything, 'change' is what is necessary -- in terms of change in the way that I as existence in oneness and equality exist and live -- and that things like war which is perceived as 'change' because our comfort zones are being taken away from us, is actually just consequences playing out as a result of never having changed and never having stood and lived in a way that is best for all -- and that thus fear of change is actually just fear of the consequences of the way that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist, which has nothing to do with real actual change

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that in fact the fear of change has nothing to do with real change but is actually a fear of consequences of how I am accepting and allowing myself to exist, which is based within self-interest and is in fact harmful and unsustainable -- where the consequences of that is that eventually inevitably I will have to face a 'loss' of the self-interest, which isnt actual real change because if anything, the consequences were already there at the starting point of the self-interest, where it was simply an inevitability that I would face 'loss'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'change' within and as 'loss' and to therein fear change as I fear loss -- and to then resist any change because i believe that change means I will lose things --- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that I've just defined 'change' based on self-interest which in itself is based on a fear of loss --- rather than seeing and realizing and understanding that change is not about loss in any way, that i will not actually 'lose' anything, because real 'change' is simply about aligning myself in how i exist with what is best for all as me in oneness and equality, where if anything, I will in fact GAIN everything and will create a heaven on earth wherein there exists no such thing as 'loss' and where self-interest as survival is not even necessary

so i forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that in fact 'change' is really the reverse of what I've always believed it to be, in that change is not in any way a 'bad' thing and does not mean 'loss' - in fact it means the eradication of 'loss' as part of self-interest in and as the mind - and actually bringing everything HERE so that i no longer exist in separation of myself and so no longer create consequences in and as existence

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that in fact change is not 'loss' but change is the cure for 'loss' - change is 'gain', in terms of giving everything to myself and no longer existing within separation as survival -- where thus in fact 'change' is what I've always actually been searching for

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it's just the mind which has taken the word 'change' and defined it within and as the fear of loss in and as the mind and so has created a fear of change and a perception of change being something that's 'bad' --- so that I wouldnt see or realize that in fact change is what i have always in fact been looking for  as a 'cure' for the mind as separation and consequence

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that 'change' is really just the point of stopping living in and as consequence - stopping separation and stopping all that is not what is best for me as existence in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that by existing in and as fear of change and so intensely holding on to self-interest - I've just been cheating myself out of actually giving to myself what it is that i am really looking for, which is a heaven on earth, being free from fear, existing within REAL comfort as in being free from survival

and so i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that i have been duped or have duped myself within fearing and resisting 'change' and perceiving change as something bad -- and not seeing or realizing or understanding that change is actually what i have always been looking for and what i have always truly wanted

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally embrace change as simply what is best and what is 'good' - and let go of the mind as that which is in fact 'bad', as in simply not whats best for me as all in oneness and equality

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it's all in reverse - and that in fact self-interest as survival as fear of loss as the mind is 'bad' as in not best for me -- and change is 'good' as in best for me as all in oneness and equality -- and that instead of holding on to self-interest and fear of loss, I should be holding on to and embracing and moving towards and into change, in and as the realization and understanding that change is what is best for me and what i have actually always truly been looking for and wanting and that the belief or experience of 'change' as something 'bad' is just mind consciousness system programming designed to just keep me locked into the mind and ensure that I never realize who I really am as life in and as oneness and equality and never stand as who I really am as life

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that there are many, many, many programs in and as the mind consciousness system that are designed to make sure that I DO NOT change, and that I DO NOT let go of the mind and move into self-change and realize myself as life in oneness and equality -- many programs designed to get me to believe and perceive and experience that I cannot or should not CHANGE and simply step into life as who i really am in and as oneness and equality -- in fact so many programs of BELIEFS designed to 'tell me' why and how it is that i cannot, should not and will not change, and get me to accept myself as the mind and accept that somehow change is impossible -- such as this point of fear of change wherein there is a perception of change as 'bad' somehow, like its going to harm me in some way, instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that that perception is based within the mind which is the very manifestation of HARM, wherein I have in fact been harming myself all this time and that change is in fact the reverse of that, as in me giving me back to myself, it is for the first time, me supporting myself, me gifting life to myself, me giving myself all the things that I have always been looking for and have always been depriving myself of within and as the mind

I forgive myself that i have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that HARM only exists within and as the mind and that the perception of 'change' as 'harmful' is really just the mind projecting itself as HARM onto change so that i wouldnt go there and so that I wouldnt attempt to in fact change

I forgive myself that I have never seen or realized or understood that the mind is the very manifestation of HARM - it is where I do the greatest harm onto myself within and as thoughts and reactions, and as a consequence, onto others as me -- and that therefore the mind will interpret 'change' as 'harm' because it simply cannot fathom anything other than HARM as what it in fact is  -- and that in fact real 'change' is the letting go of that harm and is stepping into that which is actually best, like unconditional support and care and regard and attentiveness -- which is who i really am as life in oneness and equality  --- realizing and seeing and understanding that any point of 'harm' that i perceive within 'change' is just the mind interpreting 'change' from the starting point of what it is as 'harm'

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that in fact 'change' represents who i really am -- it represents me being and becoming and giving to myself who i really am as life in oneness and equality, which is all the things that are ACTUALLY best for me

and i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that the mind is in fact everything that is NOT best for me -- and that the mind will therefore resist change as that which is represents what IS best for me as who i really am as life in oneness and equality --- as all the things that I have been depriving myself of by defining myself in and as the mind consciousness system as a system of destruction and HARM

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider that 'best for all' could ever be harmful or 'bad' or would be anything that I should fear --- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that fear and harm is something in and of the mind --- and that the mind would simply project this onto the concept of 'change' so that I simply wouldn't go there and so that i would fear and resist it

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that any fear or resistance within me with regards to self-change and standing as whats best for all in oneness and equality, is the mind projecting itself as fear and as harm onto these concepts so that i would fear and resist going there, so as to make sure that i never in fact change and never in fact realize myself as life as who i really am in oneness and equality

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even consider defining myself within and as and believing and trusting these projections of the mind onto concepts like 'change' and 'best for all' and 'standing as life in oneness and equality' - projections which then trigger fear and resistance in relation to these concepts, in relation to 'change' and 'standing and realizing myself as life in oneness and equality' - instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that this is the mind as what ISN'T best for me, as something that HARMS me and that is designed to keep me down and hold me back and diminish me, making sure that I do not ever even attempt to go there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the programming that the mind has designed and created around 'change' as this experience of 'despair' wherein i perceive 'change' as 'realizing who i am as life in oneness and equality' as something that's impossible for me, something that 'will never happen' and 'is just not for me' and is not something I could ever achieve or do or accomplish

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that this programming is actually based on the programming of judgment as a programming that I've come to define myself in and as  -- where I tend to judge everything that I see and within and as the judgment define myself in and as the mind consciousness system as judgment is like a prison of 'sentencing' wherein I define everything rather than being here in and as breath in and as the 'freedom' of breath

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to be HERE in and as the freedom of breath - instead of judging the things that I see and within and as the judgment, defining everything in and as the mind

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it's the programming of judgment in and as the mind which creates the point of 'despair' within me as the belief that 'change' is impossible for me as within and as judgment I effectively 'imprison' myself within and as sentencing in and as the mind - by not existing in and as the freedom of breath

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that judgment is a prison in and as the mind wherein i sentence myself to death in and as and by the mind -- wherein i imprison myself and everything that I judge in my world and reality -- by not standing in and as UNDERSTANDING, as in standing one and equal with all that's here and standing in and as the freedom of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically judge EVERYTHING constantly - constantly imprisoning myself into and as the mind, thus creating the experience of despair within myself as the perception and belief and conviction that change is impossible for me, as i am completely fucked within and as the mind to the point that I cannot possibly 'get out'  of these prison bars as judgment

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the programming of judgment in the mind instead of standing in the point of UNDERSTANDING and standing one and equal with it by investigating and looking into where it actually comes from and how I've actually developed this - in and as the realization and understanding that it actually isnt who i really am  but that i'm just living out accepted and allowed programming that I've accepted and allowed myself to copy from previous generations, as that's how the mind consciousness system works as the transferrence of programming from generation to generation

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to stand one and equal with the programming of judgment by seeing and realizing and understanding that it is something I copied from previous generations and isn't who i really am as I've basically just been living as a copy of my family that i've been born into

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I actually copied the programming of judgment in and as the mind from my mother, who's copied it from her mother, who copied it from her father, etcetera etcetera etcetera

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the programming of basically ego as judgment as knowledge and information that I place over reality in and as my mind as a point of control within and as a desire to have control over my reality, based on a point of fear or in fact petrification to the point of feeling completely disempowered where one then looks for a sense of 'power' within and as the ego of the mind, while still actually feeling very disempowered internally

i forgive myself that the programming of judgment in the mind is coming from a point of feeling extremely disempowered where I go into judgment as a point of looking for a sense of power in and as the ego of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go looking for a sense of power in and as the ego of the mind as judgments  - instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that all I'm doing is just continuing the experience of disempowerment within myself  as its at the starting point of my participation in judgment - and that in fact the more I participate in judgment as the experience of power in the mind, the more I will feel disempowered within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define power in and as judgments in the mind as the placement of knowledge and information over reality -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it's literally just a feeling that I am generating within myself which isnt real power

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to just be honest with myself about the disempowerment i experience within myself, rather than trying to suppress it by going into the ego of the mind as judgment looking for a feeling of power -- and therein then basically existing in denial of whats really going on within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of disempowerment within myself which the programming of judgment as 'power' within and as the mind is based on - instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that in fact this disempowerment exists within and as the apparent 'power' in and as the mind - and that therefore the 'power' in the mind is an illusion as really all that exists is disempowerment

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that real power doesnt exist within the mind as judgments, but exists within and as breath - which is where my ability exists to stand through any experience in and as the mind such as fear

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that if anything, judgment actually just generates more fear - through judging things as 'bad' or 'negative' - where i then actually just end up feeling even more disempowered by all the fear I am generating through judgment

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that when I participate in judgment I am not actually powerful at all and dont in fact have power or control over anything - but am actually just disempowering myself more and more - because what i'm basically doing within judgment is basically separate myself from reality as myself  which obviously means that I then become 'lost', that I have no 'footing' within myself and no stability and so am at the mercy of the mind as energy

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that power exists within the point of 'knowing' in the mind - having knowledge of and over something -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that that's the illusion of power in and as the mind  -- and that in fact real power exists within standing in and as breath  as self-honesty in oneness and equality and essentially not judging anything

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to trust breath rather than trusting judgment in and as the mind  for 'power' -- and see and realize and understand that real actual power exists within and as breath, and that judgment in and as the mind is in fact disempowerment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in the point of 'knowing' about reality -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that 'knowing' actually just makes me end up feeling disempowered as within 'knowing' i am separating myself from reality as myself by defining it within and as judgment

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that within and as the point of 'knowing'  as in having knowledge and information about reality as judgments in the mind, I am separating myself from reality as myself and therein disempowering myself -- by not standing in and as breath in and as oneness and equality and so not creating judgments of anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy the point of 'knowing'  as in perceiving and believing that having knowledge and information about reality is a point of power and control, from my mother -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it actually just makes me feel even more disempowered as within and as knowledge and information I separate myself from reality as myself -- and that real power exists within and as breath as oneness and equality within and as the physical

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that the movement towards and into judgment in the mind as the point of knowing is an escape mechanism -- to escape into a positive FEELING of power and control, to get away from the negative EMOTION of fear and petrification within myself

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that trying to escape from a negative emotion into a positive feeling actually only continues and intensifies the emotion, as the feeling isn't an actual real solution -  as the only solution is breath as oneness and equality in and as the physical

i forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that a positive feeling is never a solution for a negative emotion - as the positive just reinforces the negative and thus disempowers me in relation to the negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider going into a positive experience to get away from a negative experiences within myself - instead of seeing and realizing that this only creates consequences as i'm just suppressing the negative while simultaneously intensifying it and that eventually i will have to face what i'm suppressing anyways -- and that thus the only real solution is breath as oneness and equality in and as the physical

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider trying to escape from the negatively charged experience of fear and petrification inside myself into a positive experience of power and control in and as judgments in the mind as the point of 'knowing' as having knowledge and information about reality - instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that I am just suppressing the negatively charged experience within myself while also intensifying it within myself, while also creating consequences as having to eventually face what i've been suppressing within myself -- and so overall end up just making things so much worse by going into escapism from a negative into a positive, instead of standing within and as an actual solution as BREATH as standing in and as oneness and equality in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I'm actually in a constant rollercoaster of feelings and emotions when i participate in judgment, as a constant movement between positive and negative experiences wherein i end up just feeling lost and disempowered - rather than just remaining within and as breath, and just being HERE, stable, unmoving and unwavering -- which is real actual POWER


I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to bring everything HERE, and to be HERE, not going into positives or negatives, not judging anything as positive or negative, but realizing that everything is HERE in and as breath -- and so standing in and as real POWER

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge anything of this world at all - instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that whatever I judge, I disempower myself in relation to as I separate it as myself from myself

i forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to even be aware that this programming of judgment that i go into where i tend to judge everything that I see in this world and reality including within myself, is based on and coming from an experience of disempowerment as fear and petrification within myself - where I go into judgment in search for an experience of power and control as a 'positive', as a preprogrammed mind consciousness system design that I've copied from my mother and her mother before her and so on and so forth

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to just be honest with myself about the point of disempowerment within myself, rather than going into a positive experience of power and control as judgment to suppress the disempowerment - where I actually just make it worse, as i end up feeling even more disempowered

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that the disempowerment is also something that I copied from my mother and her mother and so on as a mind consciousness system programming - because at some point in that generational line, someone was in a situation wherein they felt so cornered  and so threatened and intimidated that they saw no way out and no solution and no way of expressing or asserting themselves that they went into a complete disempowerment within themselves -- and then developed the coping mechanism of judgment as the point of placing knowledge and information over reality to generate a sense of power and control over reality so they wouldnt feel so disempowered anymore, because they did not actually take responsibility for the experience of disempowerment within themselves and ended up simply suppressing it -- and thus then also transferring this mind consciousness system programming onto following generations

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to just stand one and equal with that experience inside myself of just feeling extremely threatened and intimidated by my environment as people -- and having that point inside of me where I just feel very anxious and fearful and afraid of people, as though there is this 'layer' of fear that encases me -- like a membrane that separates me from the people that i see in my world and reality - and as though I am in this constant state of alert, as though I could be attacked at any moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this layer of fear that i experience between me and the people that I see in my world and reality as the experience of being threatened and intimidated and believing that I could be attacked at any time and must be alert

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed  myself to define myself within and as the belief that I could be attacked at any time by people and must therefore be alert and exist in fear of people constantly

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that this experience is actually based on a memory that I have COPIED from previous generations - as something that one of my ancestors at some point went through, which they nor anyone after them, including myself, ever took responsibility for

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that this 'membrane of fear'  that i experience between me and the people that i see is not actually who I really am and is not actually 'real' as it is simply based on copied and transferred memories in and as the mind consciousness system -- wherein i am simply living out the memories of my ancestors that have been passed down to me through genetics

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that who I really am is life in and as oneness and equality, and thus one and equal with the people that I see in my world and reality --- and that I am not this personality design of feeling threatened and of separating myself from people and becoming like a recluse within myself wherein i shun and shy away from people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this mind programming of this 'fear membrane' to just define who I am in relation to the world that i see with my eyes, to the point where I would actually believe that I AM this 'fear of people' and this point of separation, based on some memory that isnt actually even my own wherein i felt 'hurt' and threatened and intimidated by people which I am basically still holding against every human being that I see with my eyes --- essentially within myself constantly saying "I know what you can do to me. I won't allow you to come at me and attack me anymore. I will always be on high alert in self-protection mode against you monsters and demons which are people" -- where, I've essentially just been existing in and as a point of spitefulness as in just stubbornly holding on to experiences from the past and using that to justify pushing my reality away from me and saying 'fuck you' to people

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that this 'fear membrane' programming is actually a point of spitefulness that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as where I feel like at some point I got 'hurt' and I have just not been letting go of that 'hurt' and have not actually simply forgiven but have rather been holding on to the memory within resentment and anger and blame -- blaming people for the disempowerment that i went into and experienced within myself rather than realizing my self-responsibility when it comes to how I experience myself and just placing myself in the shoes of those people who within that memory attacked, intimidated and threatened my ancestor, and seeing and realizing and understanding  that if anything, they were actually also acting within and out of fear and were existing within and as the mind consciousness system, which yes, made them 'demons'  in terms of just not being aware of the consequences of their actions and what they were doing to another as themselves --- though where I have in fact also equally become a 'demon' as in 'de-man', by defining myself in and as the mind consciousness system of fear and spitefulness and blame wherein I do not see another as myself and wherein I am not aware of the consequences of my actions, and justify it all with FEAR

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that through going into blame and resentment and spitefulness in relation to people as 'demons', I am 'de-manning' myself by accepting and allowing reactions to define who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the reactions of hurt and blame and anger, resentment and spitefulness to define who I am - instead of breathing through the experience of disempowerment that they're all actually based on and so assisting and supporting myself to see and realize and understand that this experience of disempowerment is not who I really am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a 'de-man'  by having defined myself within and as reactions of hurt, anger, blame, resentment and spitefulness and therein having separated myself from other people  -- just like the people in the memory of my ancestor who attacked, threatened and intimidated them as me were also just existing in separation as they also had defined themselves within and as reactions in the mind and so also did not see another as themselves

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that by allowing myself to go into and participate in blame, I have actually become that which I have been blaming - as a 'de-man', existing in separation from those around me and not seeing or recognizing another as myself in oneness and equality, which thus makes me no 'better' than those people who attack, threaten and intimidate

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that 'de-mans' are created as a being defines themselves according to reactions that come up in and as the mind consciousness system and does not take responsibility for those reactions  through understanding of how the mind as reactions as separation exists -- and that from that perspective, truly all human beings including myself have become 'de-mans' as we have never taken responsibility for our reactions

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that my reaction of disempowerment to those people who threatened/intimidated/attacked me was coming from the separation that I had actually already accepted and allowed to exist within me, where I was actually already not seeing others as myself and was already existing within some state of separation as self-interest -- and therefore then went into further separation as I accepted the reactions of disempowerment, hurt, blame, anger, resentment and spitefulness

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I only went into disempowerment when those people attacked/threatened/intimidated me cause i was already on some level within myself existing in separation of them and was already not seeing them as me but had already come to accept myself in and as separation as self-interest in and as the mind consciousness system -- which is what I was really actually then blaming on them, as the blame was more anger with myself for having accepted and allowed separation to exist within me and for having accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to the mind rather than exist within and as self-responsibility -- since that is what the disempowerment was really in fact showing me in that moment, in terms of the extent to which I had already come to give up my power to the mind

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that if anything, what those people who attacked, intimidated and threatened me were showing me in that moment, was what I had already come to accept and allow to exist within and as myself -- as the point of attacking myself through separating myself from myself  and not standing in and as self-responsibility -- and that really those people in that moment were just standing as the physical manifestation and embodiment of what I had already accepted and allowed within and as me

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to live judgment as a living word, in a practical sense, rather than have it be defined in and as the mind - and so live judgment based on integrity and common sense as in simply seeing and deciding what is best and what is not -- where judgment is not something that triggers emotions and feelings as positives and negatives but is simply a point of discernment and assertiveness of myself, as well as empowerment of myself in terms of standing as the directive principle

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to live POWER and ASSERTIVENESS in terms of standing in and as the point of self-responsibility -- actually taking responsibility for myself and my world and reality as myself, rather than victimizing myself and blaming others, and actually being the directive principle  of myself in and as my world and reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this programming of disempowerment as basically self-interest -- wherein I choose to close myself off and isolate myself from my world and reality inside of myself  and exist in a 'bubble' within myself of self-interests where in a way all that exists is 'me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this programming of this 'bubble of self-interest' within and as me wherein I close myself off from my world and reality and exist in this bubble within myself wherein all that exists is 'me' -- and I simply don't really participate with my reality as the beings around me  and i dont in any way take any responsibility for the world around me  nor stand in a point of directing things or taking charge of anything as i've basically just come to define myself in and as self-interest as total separation from anything or anyone else

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this battle with myself as this 'bubble of self-interest' within myself as well as then the 'membrane of fear' surrounding that bubble - because I know that this isn't who I really am or rather i know it isnt my best potential but yet it exists within and as me because this is how i have in fact existed and experienced myself instead of just stopping the battle and just standing one and equal with it and just making the decision that this is not who i really am and just standing in and as that decision as my awareness of who I really am as what is best for life in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I have the POWER to actually decide who I am -- and that i dont need to be decided by the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions as programming  -- but that i actually have the ability to stand one and equal with the mind and decide that 'this is not who I am' --- i just need to realize my response-ability, as my ability to actually take everything that is here, and look at it, and decide for myself who I am in relation to it, in terms of whether I agree with it or  not and whether I will accept and allow it to exist or not based on my assessment of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself in and as the belief that 'I am disempowered' as in the belief that I simply do not have the power or the ability to assess things for myself and to direct things or decide  things for myself --- and that I am just a slave to the mind and to everything that comes up within me and everything that exists within and as this reality, because apparently "I am disempowered"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically accept this belief that I don't have any choice but to just kind of agree to everything that exists and everything that comes up in me and to just give my power away to it all and get lost in it all - even though within and as me I don't actually agree to any of it

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that thats because there are actually points of self-interest as desires within me which I am WILLINGLY agreeing to and giving my power away to  -- points of addiction to specific energies which I have come to accept within myself and have not given direction to or taken responsibility for -- which is where I am essentially stating that 'yes I am a slave to energy and energy may do with me what it will' as I've accepted myself as a slave to these points of addiction, thinking and believing that I NEED these energy experiences to be fulfilled

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to SEEK OUT these addictions within me, as the points of energy that I have created addictions around, so i can assist and support myself to stop the addictions and so stop disempowering myself  and stand up in and as self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself about the addictions that actually exist within me and that I am giving my power away to - as to the real reason why it is that i feel disempowered in relation to everything else that exists

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself about my relationship to energy -- as the fact that throughout my life I have actually developed quite an addictive relationship to specific energy experiences where I would essentially mine the body to generate energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mine the body to generate energy and to satisfy and fulfill energy addictions that i'd come to create

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand in oneness and equality with the body in and as a relationship of equal care and consideration and support - rather than a relationship of abuse wherein I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse and use the body to generate energy and satisfy and fulfill my energy addictions

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be real and honest and straightforward with myself about the energies that I am addicted to - and assist and support myself to stop the addictions and actually take responsibility for myself as the 'addict' that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and exist as

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I have become an ADDICT as I am addicted to specific energy experiences -- and that I must assist and support myself to stop the addictions and 'get clean' and be stable  and become a trustworthy individual who is not directed by energy in and as the mind but who is the directive principle of themselves and stands in and as self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that the feeling experiences  which I occasionally go into are in fact ADDICTIONS that I have been allowing and have defined myself within and as  throughout my life - wherein I am mining the body for energy rather than standing and existing within a supportive  and 'symbiotic' relationship with the body -- and that I must thus find a way to stop and get out of these addictions and stabilize myself so that i can stand one and equal with life in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand one and equal with life in and as the physical by defining myself in and as addictions to energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply 'give my power away' to these energy addictions and allow myself to just get 'swayed' into them and 'fall' into them, instead of being radically real and honest and straightforward and assertive and direct with myself about not allowing myself to go into or give into these addictions and ensuring that I stop the addictions and stand as life absolute

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy this personality design of being 'lenient' with myself when it comes to addictions as points which I actually do know and realize are not best, from my mother - as in giving myself excuses and justifications for why its ok and why it's 'not so bad' and why it's 'alright' for me to 'give in' to addictions and so to just give in to that which is actually not best, just because it 'feels nice' -- instead of simply seeing and realizing and understanding that if it isnt best then it isnt best, and there are no excuses and justifications to allow something that isn't 'best', which includes it 'feeling good'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy this 'lack of integrity' from my mother, as the point of allowing and accepting excuses and justifications for points that arent actually best in order to defend and protect addictions and protect and defend this point of 'it makes me feel good', wherein I'm essentially placing myself as my SELF-interest as my FEELINGS above everything and everyone else, rather than having integrity and placing what is best above myself  or rather standing AS with is best and simply not accepting and allowing my 'self' to in any way exist in separation of what is best

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live integrity as in simply seeing and realizing what is best and living according to it, as the simple act of aligning myself with what is best and so not accepting or allowing any reasons, excuses or justifications to participate in anything that isn't best like energy addictions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to these excuses and justifications and reasons for why its ok to allow the addictions and why it is fine to 'feel good' and place my FEELINGS above all else -- instead of trusting myself when I see and know deep down that what I am doing and participating in isn't actually best, even if everyone else tells me that 'it's fine'

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to trust myself within seeing when something is best and when it isnt, rather than listening to the excuses and justifications of others for why and how everything is apparently 'fine'

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that everything is in fact not 'fine', even though most human beings in this world don't want to admit to it or recognize or accept it and prefer to continue existing in their bubble of self-interest, creating justifications and excuses and reasons to convince themselves and others of why this world is the way that it is and why it is 'fine' the way that it is and why it should not actually change and why they should not actually change

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that to have integrity is to stand alone within myself in terms of trusting myself with regards to what I see and know deep down is best and what isn't and to be real and straightforward and direct with myself in terms of what i will accept and allow and what I will not, rather than listening to justifications and excuses which always come from 'others' and always exist in the principle of 'two or more in my name and i am there' as the abdication of self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for whispering justifications and excuses in my ear  and get me to accept a lack of integrity within myself  and a lack of self-responsibility when it comes to points that i participate in that aren't best, like energy addictions -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that at the end of the day, I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to the excuses and justifications rather than stand in and as real integrity -- because I was obviously already actually lacking real integrity as I was not taking responsibility for myself  but simply allowed myself to be directed and defined by what my mother was telling me

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that at the end of the day my mother was also not to blame because she was also just living out programming that she'd come to accept within and as herself  -- and that at the end of the day no one is to blame and no one is at fault, yet we do have to all take individual responsibility for what has been accepted and allowed as life on earth

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to live real POWER  as the point of standing in and as self-responsibility - as in taking full responsibility for everything - knowing that whatever is here and whatever happens, I am responsible and I am taking responsibility to direct everything in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand the principle of 'with great responsibility comes great power', as in the understanding that living POWER means to stand in and as complete responsibility for EVERYTHING that is here, for EVERYTHING that exists, not existing in any form of blame

i forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that i'll only feel disempowered when I am not standing in and as responsibility for what is here

i forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to stand in and as responsibility for what is here  - in terms of just not judging anything but rather unconditionally investigating all things so that I can direct them in oneness and equality with myself

i forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to simply see everything as me and so just direct everything in oneness and equality with myself  according to what is best - and thus not judge anything but just unconditionally investigate and understand and direct

i forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to live judgment within and as responsibility, where judgment comes AFTER understanding, not 'instead of' - only once I have investigated something and am fully understanding how it exists and what it is, then I can judge it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just judge everything 'willy nilly' without even understanding anything about reality -- so I shouldnt be surprised that I end up in just reactions to everything

i forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that judgments isn't reactions -- that real judgment is to actually NOT react to anything, but first work on understanding

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to, when it comes to anything in and of reality, to just stay calm, to not jump into reactions and judgments - but to first assist and support myself to develop understanding of everything that exists, realizing and seeing and understanding that judgment only comes AFTER in-depth understanding as judgment is a discernment of what is best and what isn't and how to direct things in a way that is best, which means I need to first have a thorough insight into and understanding of things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider judging something without first fully and thoroughly understanding what is going on

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that obviously I will feel like i have no security or stability when I judge things without understanding

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to first and foremost focus on being stable and calm so that I can unconditionally and thoroughly and fully investigate and understand all things as they exist -- so that i can then, from a thorough understanding of reality, judge and direct things

i forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it's all in reverse and that the mind has defined judgment as a quick snap reaction that comes up first before understanding or investigating anything -- while judgment is actually supposed to come AFTER understanding and investigation of reality

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for judgment  by seeing and realizing and understanding that proper judgment is by first stabilizing and calming myself  and looking at and investigating reality from a calm and stable starting point so that I can develop real understanding of how reality exists --- rather than IMMEDIATELY reacting to anything with judgment, AS IF I already understand, as if I 'know', instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that really I don't KNOW anything, because I don't UNDERSTAND because I havent investigated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'knowing' in and as the mind  as basically a BELIEF and an ASSUMPTION that 'i know'  without actually understanding or seeing or realizing

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that knowing is not a belief or an assumption but is the product of walking a thorough process of understanding

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define words like judgment and knowing in and as the mind as reactions rather than living them in a practical way as living words 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that judgment and knowing ARE living words - but that the mind has just twisted them by defining them in and as reactions wherein I am not actually living these words but am just existing in and as reactions in the mind

 i forgive myself that i have never even considered taking responsibility for words like judgment and knowing - to ensure that I am actually living these words as what they actually are, rather than just living beliefs and assumptions of them in and as the mind

i forgive myself that I havent ever accepted and allowed myself to realize or consider that i have never actually LIVED words, but have always just allowed the mind to define words to its own benefit where i'd believe that I am living words, but really I'm just participating and existing in and as the mind as reactions and not actually living me in and as living words

i forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that i need to actually make sure that i am living words and not just assume or believe i am living them just cause the mind makes it appear as though i am

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that 'knowing' actually stands one and equal with investigation and that i only know so much as what I investigate about reality and that really i have never unconditionally investigated reality, apart from doing self-forgiveness and writing to freedom, and so don't actually know anything at all

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that when it comes to 'knowing' anything, i can only trust the things that i investigate myself, through self-forgiveness and writing -- and that i cannot trust anything that just comes up within and as the mind in and as thoughts, which is the illusion of knowing, as beliefs and assumptions, connected with reactions of feelings and emotions

 i forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the words that i am living - by just allowing myself to define those words in and as the mind as reactions - instead of redefining them and looking at them for myself and for myself realizing what words are as living words rather than living according to assumptions and beliefs

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to just relax and ease up on reacting to everything and realize and understand that i dont actually 'know' anything and i cant actually judge anything until I assist and support myself to understand reality through writing and self-forgiveness - so any reactions i have wherein i believe i 'know' and wherein i am judging things are untrustworthy

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to be assertive in terms of realizing and seeing that i cannot trust any experiences or reactions in the mind and that i can only know anything or judge anything until i personally investigate reality myself through self-forgiveness and writing -- and so direct myself rather than give my power away to reactions as thoughts, feelings and emotions


when and as i see myself giving my power away to reactions as thoughts, feelings and emotions in the mind and as the belief that 'i know' in and as judgments in the mind, then i stop and i breathe, and i see and realize and understand that the mind has defined judgment and knowing in and as beliefs and assumptions and so within and as reactions

and i see and realize and understand that in fact i dont actualy know anything because to know is to first go through a process of thorough investigation to come to a full and complete understanding of something

and i see and realize and understand that any judgment that comes up in the mind is not real judgment but is just reactions because real judgment only comes from knowing and so from first walking myself through a process of investigating and understanding reality

and so i see and realize and understand that i cannot trust any reactions that come up in me wherein i am judging reality and existing in and as the belief and assumption that i 'know' - as i see and realize and understand that reactions arent actually judgment or knowing as living words

 i see and realize and understand that i have never actually lived judgment or knowing as living words cause i have never taken the responsibility to walk myself through a process of investigating and understanding reality - as i've always placed my trust in whatever thoughts and reactions came up in and as the mind from moment to moment

i see and realize and understand that i can only trust what i have investigated and understood myself through self-forgiveness and writing

and i see and realize and understand that when i'm reacting to something it just means that i dont actually know - and that i must thus walk myself through a process of investigating and understanding it

and i see and realize and understand that i have to thus simply be stable and calm so that i can unconditionally look at and investigate that which i dont yet understand -- and that i thus have to drop any reactions and simply walk myself through a process of self-forgiveness and writing to get to the point of being able to live the word 'knowing' and be able to live 'judgment'

as i see and realize and understand that these words have nothing to do with reactions in and as the mind, but are in fact the result of being calm and stable within myself and giving myself the space and time to walk the process of self-forgiveness and writing to investigate and understand whatever it is that i was initially reacting to

i see and realize and understand that i have developed a very reactive personality and that i have to instead be calm and stable and patient as i walk myself through a process of self-forgiveness and writing in order to develop understanding and insight and so live the word 'knowing'  -- and so live judgment and knowing as actual living words in physical reality

I see and realize and understand that knowing and judgment is not a comfort zone or escape mechanism, to get away from fears - but are actual living words wherein i must actually walk step by step and be the directive principle

I commit myself to, instead of being reactive to everything in the mind in and as the minds definition of judgment and knowing as beliefs, assumptions and reactions, to calm myself down and stabilize myself whenever i see that I'm going into this reactive personality wherein i am judging things and believe that 'i know' what things are

and i commit myself to just breathe and stabilize the reactions and calm myself down in and as the realization and understanding that knowing and judgment are living words which i can only live through walking myself through a process of self-forgiveness and writing

i commit myself to live the words knowing and judgment as living words in and as physical reality as basically walking a practical process of writing and self-forgiveness wherein i walk myself through a process of investigating and understanding reality

and so i commit myself to let go of any reactions i have in relation to reality wherein i basically believe that I know and wherein I am judging what I am seeing -- but rather stand in and as the realization and understanding that i dont know anything and i cannot judge anything until I have walked a process of self-forgiveness and writing  and stand in a point of UNDERSTANDING of how things work

so i commit myself to stop trusting the mind as thoughts and reactions and to basically just relax and let go of thoughts and reactions and only trust the practical physical process that i walk of writing and self-forgiveness to assist and support myself to understand reality and stand one and equal with reality

i commit myself to not participate in judgment and knowing as mind programmings of escapism from fear but i commit myself to be self-honest and stand in oneness and equality with the experience of fear within myself and actually live judgment and knowing as living words rather than using them as mind programs to try and suppress fear











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