Getting Divorced

 

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad because paul said we should divorce

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that divorce is bad and that it means abandonment and aloneness and loneliness and depravity and lack

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear divorce

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that divorce is evil because then why did we get married?

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that divorce is a consequence of marriage and the fact that marriage is not properly understood within humanity

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I never understood marriage properly as I got married based on an illusion as ideals, expectations, hopes and dreams

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that divorce is at least something that lets people start over when they’ve made the mistake of marriage without understanding what marriage entails, which is in a way a mercy

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to grant myself this mercy of being able to start over by fearing divorce and by labeling and defining it as something negative or something that ‘shouldn’t happen’ --- instead of simply admitting and being real about the fact that I am not a perfect person and that I make mistakes, often through ignorance and not properly educating myself and making impulsive decisions, and that therefore it’s definitely necessary sometimes to just ‘start over’, and that therefore ‘divorce’ is not a ‘bad’ thing as it’s more like a mercy for the stupid people in the world like me --- as in people who still have a lot to learn with regards to relationships

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to simply be grateful that I get to start over after I’ve realized I’ve made a mistake and to stop clinging on to the idea that maybe what I did wasn’t a mistake and maybe I can still ‘make it work’ just because I’ve allowed a ‘stigma’ and judgment around ‘divorce’ in my mind --- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it’s always better to start over from scratch after you’ve made a mistake and this should be a normal thing rather than something to judge or feel guilty about

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it should be honored, the opportunity to get to start over, because it is a realization of what I ‘did wrong’, and a resolution and commitment to do it better this time --- realizing and using what I’ve learned to create something better --- like a painter re-starting a painting, to re-apply the techniques and skills I’ve learned  and am learning in order to be more purposeful in what I am creating

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that mistakes should not be shamed or stigmatized or judged, even in relationships, but should be recognized as stepping stones for the individual to learn and perfect themselves --- as we’re all learning in some way or another as human beings in this world, what it means to create effective relationships and how to live effective lives

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that people used to not be able to get divorced… not even that long ago, and were expected to choose a person to be in a relationship/marriage with and then be with that person for the rest of their lives, as a religious thing --- and that this caused a lot of suppressed mis-understandings or lack of understanding within people with regards to what relationships even are and how to live and establish effective “romantic” and “partnership” relationships, as people were essentially not allowed to ‘start over’ or let alone discover and explore themselves in terms of who they really are when it comes to ‘relationships’/sex/marriage/having kids/commitment/etcetera --- it was really just a ‘one-and-done’ deal

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and recognize the damage religion has caused to ‘relationships’ and humanity’s potential to create real, effective, fulfilling relationships --- and that a lot of my own personal experience with and within my marriage and relationship has been influenced by the past as in preprogrammed belief systems, judgments and stigma related to religious programming going back generations in my society and family --- which makes divorce a good thing because at least I get the chance to make mistakes and learn and start over and get to know who I am when it comes to marriage and relationships and how to create effective relationships in that process – provided I don’t make the same mistakes over and over again

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to ‘start over’ in relationships by having all these belief systems and ideas around ‘marriage’ and ‘being in a relationship’, like the belief or idea that it’s supposed to be ‘forever’ and that it’s supposed to be ‘real love’ which is supposed to ‘last for eternity’ and we’re supposed to be ‘made for each other’ or that we’re supposed to fix things if it’s not working --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that all those beliefs are more like coping mechanisms as a way that humans have tried to create this ‘positive spin’ on the fact that they were essentially stuck together with another person with no way out once they got married, telling themselves there’s some divine reason they’re together or because they’re ‘soulmates’, which again is apparently a ‘match made in heaven’, to essentially talk themselves into believing that being ‘stuck’ in a relationship is a good idea

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if a relationship simply isn’t aligned with who I am then there’s no point in continuing it or let alone wasting precious time and energy on trying to ‘make it work’ --- cause a relationship is supposed to make me more effective, rather than doing the opposite, providing obstacle after obstacle which then has to be ‘overcome’ and ‘fixed’ where I end up focusing more on constantly trying to ‘fix the issues’ in my life than on actually moving forward and expressing with focus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel scared of starting over and to have accepted and allowed myself to use marriage and my relationship as some kind of comfort blanket and something I’m trying to hold on to, to stave off this fear of starting over alone

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and project these fears as worst case scenarios in my mind of what will or might happen if I get divorced – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have no idea what the future holds and what it ‘will be like’ and that I’ll have to take it one step at a time --- which doesn’t mean I wont get to ‘live’ and have fun and enjoy myself and express and be me

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically scare myself into thinking and believing that marriage and staying in an ineffective relationship is a better idea, by going into this worst case scenario thinking pattern/personality wherein I seem to assume that ‘everything will be horrible’ or that I simply don’t have the capability or capacity to deal with and handle these real-life kind of situations of having to live and deal with the system and society in a different way --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in a way that’s part of the programming where I am terrified of ‘not being in a relationship’ which then serves as motivator to justify ineffective relationships --- because apparently relationships/marriage is this ‘cocoon’ that protects one from ‘the system’ and the world, instead of realizing and seeing and understanding that at this point I have barely gotten to know ‘me’ outside of this ‘cocoon’ throughout my life so I honestly can’t tell how I’d ‘deal’, who knows I might be completely bad-ass at it

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have trust and confidence in myself when it comes to ‘being alone in the system’ and to see, realize and understand that any fears or negative future projections that I have are a lie because I have barely ever truly been alone before so I can’t even know myself  and know my capabilities

 

 

So I see, realize and understand that any reactions I’m having to the concept of ‘divorce’ are more like preprogrammed reactions based on ‘stigmas’ connected to religious programming as well as coming from fears in relation to ‘being alone’ and being a ‘single woman’ in the world system, wherein I am not seeing ‘me’ because I actually have very little experience with being alone and ‘single’ in this world, especially in Canada, so I honestly can’t know how I would handle or deal with it

 

I commit myself to have trust and faith in myself, rather than having ‘faith’ in these preprogrammed religious beliefs around ‘relationships’ and ‘marriage’ which at the end of the day really just seem to justify and support the world system as this scary demonic thing that we must all exist in fear of basically, and then enter into these relationships based on Stockholm syndrome where we find ‘comfort’ in ‘being stuck’ and where ‘togetherness’ becomes co-dependence and emotional anxiety-based attachment

 

I see and realize and understand that divorce is not a ‘bad’ thing because it actually allows people to start over after toxic/ineffective/harmful relationships, which is a form of grace and mercy

 

So I commit myself to embrace this ‘divorce’ with open arms and to recognize  and accept and embrace it as a chance to ‘start over’ which I realize is not a bad thing but something I should honor and appreciate --- and to just continue to find my way, knowing that this is just a second chapter in my journey of getting to know myself and realizing who I really am as life in this world and how to create effective relationships

You're a Fucking Bitch

This is a continuation of my previous post "LIFE in the DARKNESS"

I’ve always had this big fear of people thinking I’m a ‘bitch’. You know, someone who is snappy and reactive and takes their anger and frustrations and reactions out on those around her. So I’ve always done my darnest to be suuuuuuuper nice. Nice and friendly and cheerful and pleasant and enjoyable and whatever you want, as long as you don’t ever think that I am a ‘bitch’. I mean I’m talking about an actual phobia here. Like I am TERRIFIED of being judged as a ‘bitch’.

But the thing is, that I have also noticed a pattern of there being reactions of anger that in moments want to come up in relation to the people in my reality. Moments of wanting to voice an ‘opinion’ on something, which on the surface seems ‘innocent’ enough but when I have a closer look is actually coming from suppressed anger and frustration. And so if I’d actually allow myself to speak that ‘opinion’ in that moment, yes it would come across as ‘bitchy’. Because even though I may not be aware of my hidden, suppressed anger hiding behind the comment, other people would surely pick up on it.

So why are these moments of hidden/suppressed anger as snide/bitchy comments wanting to come up? Because I’m trying to be so nice all the time lol. Cause for most of the time I am not actually being myself. I’m not allowing myself to relax and be myself, as I’m trying to always ‘hold it all together’ within ‘just trying to be a nice person’. It’s like all that ‘niceness’ and all the worrying about what people think of me creates this ‘pressure’ inside myself that comes out as ANGER.

And it’s funny actually because even though I’ve always been such a ‘nice’ person, someone who never gets angry at anyone, I’ve always had ‘resting bitch-face’ lol. In a way my face always showed the anger that I was busy suppressing. Or rather the anger inside myself that was the result of me suppressing my expression and not allowing myself to be myself. An anger which I then also did not express obviously.

My physical body was essentially showing that even though I try so hard to be such a ‘nice person’, I am actually not happy about it lol. And so I’ve created this ‘polarity’ within and as myself of on the one hand being ‘super nice’ and on the other hand being actually very grumpy and so ‘bitchy’ I guess. And both going hand in hand, since I’m really only grumpy and bitchy BECAUSE I think I need to be ‘nice’ and can’t just be ‘me’.

So in a way, as I am smiling at people within the ‘nice person’ character, I am actually at the same time angry at them because I feel like I HAVE TO be ‘nice’ to them or they’ll judge me for being a ‘bitch’. What a mind-fuck. So yes all those times when people asked me what I’m angry about because of my ‘resting bitch-face’ and I didn’t see what I might have been angry about at all and so believed people were just judging my appearance, they actually weren’t far off. They were just seeing an anger that was physically manifested as it was so suppressed and so unconscious within me. I was in no way even aware of it myself.

So obviously the real problem here is the ‘nice person character’, or rather ‘personality design’. This whole, ‘oh everybody needs to like me’, and ‘it’s important I get along with everybody’ and ‘everyone needs to be my friend’ bullshit. Cause it just feels so disingenuous to be at once so ‘friendly’ and so resentful in relation to people. That behind ‘please be my friend’, there exists an ‘I fear/hate you and don’t actually want to have anything to do with you’.

No wonder that I have the hardest time actually making REAL friends. Like, actually connecting and relating with people on a real and genuine level. It’s always with a ‘fake smile’ that I interact with people. A forced smile, motivated by fear.

So I need to basically find a way to sort of be Ok with myself. Not looking for any ‘friendship’ from the people around me. So I can be ‘genuine’. And it’s funny that I always wanted to be genuine, so that people would like me better. While being genuine is more about just liking yourself and being your own friend, not really being bothered with ‘other people’.






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To Be Self-Conscious

This is a continuation of my previous post "Am I Being Laughed at?"

What does it mean to be 'self-conscious'? From my - extensive - experience lol, and what I've also recently only realized, is that there's this interesting sort of 'point' within it that seems like just this want to 'be a good person'. Like, 'I'm just trying to learn and grow and be a better person'. And so that's why I will question and doubt and compare myself incessantly. That's why I am compulsively asking myself the question 'who am I?' So that I may ALWAYS be aware of all my flaws and mistakes and shortcomings and all the ways I'm 'less than' and 'inferior'... so that I can from there 'learn' to 'be more like others' who are 'better than me'.

I believe that being 'self-conscious' helps me to be more 'self-aware' and so helps me to change those parts and aspects of me that are 'inferior' and 'not good enough' and so will help me to ultimately become a better person. Through the excruciating process of constantly seeing just how flawed and inferior I am as a person. So I mean, this self-conscious programming in the mind is thus entirely 'justified' by it's apparent 'benevolence'. There's almost a sense of 'humbleness' to it.

But something I never necessarily realized or looked at is all the ENERGY I am generating within and through participating in the self-conscious programming. Cause I mean, every time I ask myself 'who am I?', and every time I compare myself, and doubt myself and attempt to answer the question 'who am I?', I go into emotional reactions. I generate a LOT of experiences of insecurity, doubt, inferiority, sadness, depression, guilt, shame and regret. I create a lot of inner emotional conflict.

And so if anything, the mind has just made a game out of the point of 'wanting to be a better person' or 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' by turning it into this sort of infinite loop or process wherein I'll be sure to generate lots of energy as emotions and keep the 'engine' going. All while I'm thinking and believing that I'm becoming 'better'. While I'm actually becoming 'less', becoming 'diminished', every time I go into the emotions. Since I'm not recognizing or realizing that 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' and 'becoming a better person' is really just about the process of becoming physical and getting out of the mind. Which means I just need to stop energy. Simple.

In fact it's as simple as just dropping the belief that I need to still become 'better', and still need to 'change' and 'improve' lol. It's to just accept who I am here and just be without reactions. Without mind. Cause I mean if my 'process' of 'self-change' and 'self-improvement' is really just triggering and feeding into a whole bunch of emotional experiences within myself, then something about it doesn't actually make sense.

Just need to learn to stop comparing myself, and stop thinking and believing and perceiving myself to be 'less than' and 'inferior'. Stop thinking there's more for me to 'learn' and that I'm not already 'good enough' as I am. That maybe I must be more 'like other people'. Maybe it's all in reverse and maybe instead of trying to become 'better' I need to realize I'm not 'less' to begin with.




www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.destonians.com
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Becoming aware of my ANGER

This is a continuation of my previous post "Living Balance"

Did I say anger? I meant HATE. Growing older, into more of an ‘aDULLt’, I’m not so much aware of it now actually – how I used to in fact HATE everything and everyone. I couldn’t STAND when people expressed themselves. I couldn’t STAND myself when I expressed myself. So I never expressed myself. And still don’t. But have long forgotten that I don’t express myself because of all this HATE within me.

The hate came out particularly nasty when I became a teenager. I became a little hateful, judgmental demon. And in my early adolescence it just became more and more compounded within me. The absolute HATE of EVERYONE. Just a ball of hate I was. An interesting thing then happened into early adulthood, in that I became more POSITIVE. And suppressed all the hate that was really there and had been there since almost the beginning. Suddenly I ‘care’ about people and about relationships and suddenly things are ‘positive’. Which has been the greatest deception ever because lo and behold, the HATE is still actually all there – just on dimensions and levels within myself that are hidden from my immediate awareness.

But that hate, actually originated within FEAR. From the fact that I was dealing with massive, intense and incredible amounts of fear within myself, which I didn’t know what to do with. Fear and disempowerment, a lot of it, on such deep levels. Hate was just a particular energy that seemed to allow me to take ALL that fear and disempowerment inside myself and sort of channel or compensate or transform it into something that I could ‘control’, in a way. Something I could direct like arrows and bullets, towards other people, and to myself. It made me feel like I had a sense of ‘power’, rather than just feeling disempowered and afraid all the time.

I mean obviously this is what then caused a great problem. This ‘illusion of power’.  This REACTING to fear with HATE, rather than RESPONDING to it with self-honesty. Since, HATE is now the manifested problem in this physical world and reality. HATE is the human condition. This desire to destroy and attack and abuse and diminish through real-hate-I-on-ships. This taking out our ‘frustrations’ onto one another. Because deep down we actually feel extremely fearful and diminished and disempowered and small but don’t know how to deal with our fears effectively so we take the ‘easy route’ into REACTIONS, like anger and hate.

While, what we should be doing is turning inward and just being real and honest with ourselves about what we’re ACTUALLY going through, no matter how overwhelming or lost or confused we may be feeling. Showing ourselves some LOVE lol. As in some attention and support and care, urging ourselves to open up about what’s going on inside instead of suppressing it all just cause we think it’s too much. Allowing ourselves to stand in and as the fear and the confusion and overwhelmedness. And saying to ourselves “it’s OK. I’m here. It’s alright that you’re going through this. We’ll find a way through.”

And to at least, when we do go into reactions of anger or hate, see them as flag points to urge ourselves to, instead of lashing out, look inward to the point of fear and disempowerment it’s originating from, to work on releasing the source of the problem and so actually live a solution, rather than living in suppression and making everything worse. Cause at the end of the day, even though it may seem like a ‘quick fix’ or a ‘quick route’ to ‘power’, and a way to ‘deal with’ fear and disempowerment, anger and hate is NOT a solution. We need to start taking the difficult route of self-honesty and self-responsibility. Cause we will literally self-destruct if we don’t.