This is a continuation of my previous post "Whatever you do, DON'T be benevolent"
I mean when I’m resisting listening to bernard’s vlogs, then I know there is something I’m hiding and not being honest about. Something I am not facing about myself. Cause Bernard has a way of pushing those buttons of hidden self-dishonesty. Of reaching into the depths of me and finding or touching on the point where I am not being honest with myself and where I am trying to justify self-dishonesty.
Like the point of using Desteni to basically tell myself that I am self-honest. Just cause I am in the leadership forum. Using Desteni to justify self-dishonesty. To justify and support my ‘image’. An ‘image’ that I have built of myself – an ‘ego’ – wherein I can feel positive and special. Wherein I can feel comfortable and justify my comfort zone that I have built for myself. The ‘me’ that I believe I am and don’t want to give up on.
Thinking that oh because I’ve been walking my process for so many years and I was one of the ‘first ones’ to start my process, that means I’m self-honest and special. When really, it probably means quite the opposite. It just means that all this time, I have used this point to hide my self-dishonesty. Cause I just wanted to be able to tell myself that ‘I am self-honest’, so I could hide my shit and not ever face myself. So I could feel comfortable. Cause my entire starting point in process was not self-honesty or self-responsibility. It was that I just wanted to be able to feel good.
So basically any chance I get to just feel good, I take it. And that’s usually where I stop directing myself. I mean it’s really only cause my body started ‘acting up’ that I started pushing myself. Or, it was only cause in my relationship shit was hitting the fan, that I started directing and changing things. Like literally, I have always only been moved by self-interest. I am clearly NOT SELF-HONEST. And that might be the only self-honest thing about me. To realize and see and admit that I am simply not self-honest. I am not honorable. I don’t have integrity.
And when I have any thought or belief or idea in my mind wherein I think or believe that I am self-honest, I should KNOW, it should be a sign, a red flag, that I am definitely NOT being self-honest. That in fact I am busy hiding my self-dishonesty under this pretense of apparent ‘self-honesty’ as an ‘image’ that I’ve created and developed around ‘Desteni’. The ‘Desteni personality’.
I mean it’s all in reverse. Really the fact that I am walking with Desteni only means that I am more self-dishonest than anyone else lol. That I am more fucked than anyone else. And that I was just looking for a way out. A way to make myself feel better. All under the guise of ‘self-honesty’. So I’d never REALLY question myself. Because hey, ‘I am self-honest’, and I am doing self-forgiveness and all that, so that must mean that I’m benevolent.
I mean really ‘I am self-honest’. What a joke. I really need to let go of that illusion. Or, ‘I am a living example’ lol, that’s another one. ‘The new human’. I’ve just come to create personalities and characters out of the principles so that they could serve my self-interest. So that I could justify basically ANYTHING about myself. And I could do no wrong.
So I mean I really need to start getting my head out of my ass with this shit. And start getting REAL. I mean yes of course self-forgiveness is awesome and cool. But ‘Desteni’ means fuckall. If anything I started walking process cause I wanted to be able to ‘stand above’ and be better than everybody else in the world, because I just felt really salty about my life being the way that it was. Cause I felt like I never got what I wanted, so I wanted to use ‘process’ and self-honesty and all that to give some special meaning to myself and be able to believe that I’m somehow better and more than other people.
Like literally there is nothing about me that’s in any way worth ‘life’. And it’s in fact all in reverse. While I’ve believed that I’ve been holier than thou throughout my life, I’ve just actually been even more self-dishonest than anyone else. And yes I should ‘die’. I cannot exist. I am just the mind. I am self-dishonest. Everything of me. There is not one part of me that’s in any way honorable. Like, I just AM the mind. And the mind simply cannot exist. So, I cannot exist. I need to stop fighting. Stop trying. And just accept ‘death’. The death of me. And be just ‘silence’. No movement inside me. Stand and exist as ‘death’. THAT is the only honorable thing to do. THAT would be doing life a favor. To just not be a participant anymore. To have NOTHING going on within myself. To just STOP. Cause really if I don’t, then death will just do it for me. I will die either way. Self-interest will not survive either way. So I just need to accept that fact.
And I mean yeah I should have stood in that point a long time ago. I basically wasted YEARS apparently ‘walking process’. But I mean at the end of the day the point remains the same. The point of death is one and equal, regardless. Whether back then or now. Within death we are all one and equal. Death is the great equalizer. Equalizing past, present and future. Cause in death, none of what I believe matters really actually matters. None of how I experience myself, or define myself, matters. So I might as well just embrace death here and now. And ‘kill myself’. That is, give up literally EVERYTHING I’ve come to accept about and as ‘me’. Everything I believe makes me ‘special’. Everything I have accepted and allowed to ‘exist’. All my hopes, desires, dreams, wants, needs, personalities, self-definitions, self-beliefs.