LIFE in the DARKNESS

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Pain of Living"

So these two moles on my arm that I am having checked out. When I look into it for myself in terms of what is there, I can see that there is a 'system' there. A 'deep' system, of lots of anger and disempowerment. Anger at feeling disempowered. And it's become this 'personality design' within and as me. Something that exists on that 'deeper level' that's always sort of there but that I haven't been able to quite pinpoint, because it's always been so much just 'me'.

And I mean with seeing the extent of this system, it wouldn't surprise me that it turns out to be cancer lol. I mean there is just a LOT of anger there. A lot of suppressed anger, and even almost this point of having decided that I am going to die, in a way. Like just because I am so angry, there is a decision there that I'm just going to die or something. Die out of spite, basically. Not that I've ever been 'suicidal' in that sense, or have had thoughts of wanting to die in any way. The anger is more like I feel so angry, so seething and furiated, because of feeling SO disempowered, that it feels as though my only point of 'power' has been that one 'decision' of 'ok then I will just die'. To take the anger out on myself within the decision that I'm going to die.  That I will hold myself in the point of anger as though I am actually already dead. Already not really living. Already living the point of 'death'.

Enveloped by darkness, standing in a point of 'nothingness' and 'emptiness'. Because everything else about this world and reality scares me and makes me feel disempowered. And I don't really know how to live and exist in this world without feeling that way. And it angers me. Quite a lot, evidently. I just haven't been very aware of the anger there. I've been aware of the fear, yes. Of all the insecurity and the feeling disempowered. That, I am always aware of. But then anger I am only now becoming aware of. So maybe from that perspective it is specific that I am now having these moles checked out, for me to start really becoming aware of the programming and systems connected with them. Being just lots of FEAR and ANGER.

For me to start assisting and supporting myself to change this personality design, because clearly it is not best for me. It's always made me feel as though I am not really 'here' in this world. Always in some form of inner conflict. Like, I can see this world with my eyes, but on the inside I cannot relate and cannot connect and feel as though in a sense I am already dead. Like here's no real life in me to connect with the 'life' that I am seeing in and as this world.  I have been existing in this world, but have never actually lived. I have existed in and as death. And within that essentially living the decision that I'm probably going to have an early death.

Because to tell the truth, death has felt like a sort of 'comfort' to me lol. At least I am realizing now. As in the point of 'death', of emptiness, darkness and nothingness has been the only thing that has in any way felt 'stable' to me. Something that I can 'control'. Something that doesn't scare me necessarily, that doesn't trigger fear and disempowerment within me. Like, yes it may be darkness and emptiness and nothingness, but at least it doesn't make me feel all unstable, scared and disempowered like just about everything in this world does. And it's the point of anger, of 'standing still' in and as 'death' within myself, that's the ONE singular point wherein I feel like I actually exist, as weird and contradicting as that may sound. The anger/darkness is a form of 'stability'. A point of 'here-ness'. Like a 'table' that I can come back to. Like 'oh yes I am here. This is where I exist'.

And in a way it is a sort of realizing that 'death' is 'life'. That they are one and the same thing. They're both just 'here'. There's death and life, and then there's the mind. So in a way death/life is LIFE as HERE and the mind is DEATH. Because it's the mind that makes me lose myself. It's the mind that creates illusions, which trigger emotions like fear, which makes me lose myself, and lose my 'here-ness' and my stability - and makes me feel, and be, effectively 'dead', as in unable to connect or relate to what is HERE as reality. Unable to see myself in what is HERE.

So maybe it's not such a bad thing to want to be 'dead'. The anger, yes, that's a problem, and is a consequence of having so much FEAR. And is showing me I need to start really taking responsibility for all my fears. Can't just be allowing myself to 'lose myself', but I must rather realize that there is a 'table' that's here for me to always come back to. There is an actual stability, a 'here-ness' within and as me. That darkness, that 'nothingness'/'emptiness', that's real. That's the real me. I am not ACTUALLY 'lost'. The lostness is an illusion fabricated by the mind through its many creative and ingenious ways to trigger FEAR. Through THINKING, which I do a lot of lol.

I've always been a 'thinker'. So yes, quite problematic lol. And it's always been so casually pointed out to me, that 'oh I'm a thinker'. Like it's something that's Ok. Like it's not hugely problematic in terms of how much power I give away to the mind through the act of thinking, to the point where I would eventually believe myself to be truly 'lost' within and through FEAR. Like, no, it's not Ok to be a 'thinker'. You should really STOP thinking. Stop giving all that power away to the mind. You just make yourself feel disempowered and angry and feel lost within it all. Better to just be HERE. In the darkness. In breath. There where I can be certain that I exist. Where I sit at the table of existence, in and as life, and in and as death. Where there is no fear and no anger, and no thoughts. Where there is no MIND.

The Power of FORGIVENESS

This is a continuation of my previous blog "The Harm and Damage Energy does to the Body"

It’s hard to believe that after over ten years of walking with desteni and applying self-forgiveness DAILY, that I’m only now really starting to understand what the word ‘forgiveness’ actually means lol. I mean of course I did look at the word before and tried to define it, but only now did I REAL-EYES what the word is as a LIVING WORD.

And it started with me noticing and recognizing this tendency I have to believe that I am ‘doomed’. Like, something will come up, or I will face something about myself that I hadn’t realized before. And for a moment I’m like ‘omg I’m so evil for doing this or being this way’. Which, yeah, fair enough, it’s true. I AM or HAVE BEEN ‘evil’, because, the mind is simply evil.  Everything about our human existence is ‘evil’, so yeah, when I start getting honest with myself, I’m gonna see some shit.

But I noticed that in the back of my mind, there is also a lot of resistance and reluctance to seeing the ‘shit’. Even though there’s a commitment to be as self-honest as I can be, there’s always at the same time been this strong resistance to really SEE the reality of myself. Because there’s this belief that I am effectively ‘damned’. That, in other words I do not have the ability to simply ‘change’, but that rather I am defined by whatever I am seeing and realizing. And that, when I see something ‘evil’ about myself, that means I AM evil.

So when I saw this point of ‘damnation’ within my mind I was like, ‘wait a minute, where’s my forgiveness??’ Why is it that even with all those years of applying and walking self-forgiveness, there’s still this belief within me that when it comes to the ‘evil’ inside me I can’t simply see it, realize it, forgive it and change? That somehow I must fear it because apparently I am ‘doomed’??

Which made me realize that clearly it’s within how I have and still actually am DEFINING the word ‘forgiveness’. Defining it as something that I cannot truly in fact give to myself. Something that I must strive to, and prove myself worthy of. Where, I must first prove that I am ‘good’ in order to ‘deserve forgiveness’. Lol, which is just crazy actually. I’ve defined ‘forgiveness’ in and as the religious construct in the mind. In terms of it being something that exists sort of in the ‘spirit realm’. Something that isn’t just HERE, directly accessible to me, but exists in some alternate dimension which I cannot actually get to.

It’s the accepted conditioning of the word as connected with the story of Jesus and the Bible and God and all that. All STORIES which really have nothing to do with actual practical reality. With what’s HERE. It’s more in the principle of ‘after you die’. Things like ‘forgiveness’ or ‘heaven’ or unconditional acceptance and love and absolution, will only be available to you after you die – and even there it’s a ‘maybe’. Cause again, it’s just stories that have nothing to do with REALITY.

The living word FORGIVENESS is actually simply about recognizing and realizing my power, ability and authority to GIVE myself all the things I’ve always wanted, through for instance living words. All those things that’s been defined in and as the religious construct – ‘heaven’, ‘unconditional love’, ‘acceptance’, ‘forgiveness’, ‘absolution’, ‘grace’, etcetera. All things that are of ‘Godliness’. So no wonder Jesus, along with forgiveness, have become defined in and as the religious construct, so that human beings would never recognize and realize the actual POWER of forgiveness, but would simply accept that it’s something ‘inaccessible’ for us ‘mere mortals’. Accepting our total disempowerment to create and give ourselves everything that we’ve always truly wanted on a beingness level. To truly stand as God and Creator.

www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com

My CV for LIFE

I suppose the point that I can stand as in terms of how I can be of service and support for human beings, is the point of ASSERTIVENESS. The point of 'getting off your ass' basically. Because I have always lived disempowerment and laziness, as in just not ever doing anything with and in my life. Always finding it just very difficult to get myself moving or motivate myself or get myself to do anything that I don't necessarily HAVE to do.

I was lazy in many and in fact most, if not all, areas of my life. And existed basically in a state of 'giving up' on just about everything. Not having that 'umpff', that drive within me to make something of myself or of my life, or to even take care of myself and my environment. Not really seeing the purpose or the 'point', or any real 'reason' to make much of an effort within anything. Not seeing the value in most of all myself, nor any real reason to care about myself and what I do in and with my life.

Rather I'd be very much a 'victim' to feelings and emotions. Just kind of letting myself go and being the 'toy' of whatever energy comes up in me. Never sort of 'taking a stand' to direct or decide 'who I am', because I just never found anything 'worthwhile' to stand up for. Essentially living the statement of 'I don't see the value in life' and 'I don't see the value in me'.

And yes, I am still busy walking and changing this point. 'Standing up' and 'taking charge' and 'being assertive' in all areas of my life.

But I have managed to change a few points already.

1. In terms of caring for and directing my physical environment. Which started with creating a living space for myself that I felt satisfied and happy with, rather than just being 'OK' with 'whatever'. Then introducing the concept of 'cleaning' lol. Slowly but surely building a consistency and thoroughness in terms of how I clean. And coming to understand the importance of 'cleaning' as actually more a symbolic point actually. Where, sure technically or theoretically you don't 'need' to clean certain things or areas in your space every week, but just the act of cleaning it anyways is an act of care. It's me stating 'I care', and that's why I do it. And it's also a point of 'being on top of things'. Not letting things slide. But taking action and moving myself and 'taking care' of my environment, in a physical, literal sense. So I've changed in this point, yet still in the process of perfecting it.
2. Then there's the point of self-creation, as in 'pursuing' something in this world and reality. and moving and pushing a point into creation. Sort of 'making it happen one way or the other' and not just waiting around for it to maybe possibly one day happen on its own. Which started with first figuring out who I actually am in terms of what I do want to create for myself. Finding my 'starting point' as the point of 'value' within and for myself. A point within me wherein I can see 'value' to express myself from that point. Whereas how it used to be is that I would just express myself based on how I thought I 'needed to', to make other people happy or get them off my back or just kind of 'go along' with things. I first allowed myself to let go of all the things I was doing just because I felt I 'had to' for whatever reason, so that I could start with a 'clean slate', by turning inwards and really just getting to know myself unconditionally. Placing myself first and starting from there. Finding out what I enjoy, what I find important, what my real genuine self-expression is. And then from there I have to push myself to create a 'future' in this world. 'Carve my path' so to speak, and truly ASSERT myself and 'engrave' who I am within and as this reality. Just like what companies and brands do and have done. They 'brand' themselves, like a stamp, into reality and into the consciousness and the minds of human beings. Also a point I've changed in, yet am still in the process of perfecting.
3. The third point is with regards to walking my process. Being more 'hands-on'. More 'structured'. More driven and dedicated and not so much 'flying by the seam of my pants'. Not so much assuming that 'oh I'm special and I will realize myself as life at some point regardless, without having to necessarily really push myself', but rather really pushing and more realizing and considering that actually, the odds are always against me. And I have to be on top of my game every day, in every moment. Not being too shy to face points that make me uncomfortable and not too lazy to walk whatever writing or self-forgiveness or redefining words is required. I could use some work in this department still as well, where I realize I don't use ALL tools at my disposal. Specifically when it comes to learning from other people's process through listening to Eqafe recordings, Bernard's recordings and reading others' blogs. That is an area where I have not been pushing myself and require some more specificity. So again, a point I have been changing, yet still perfecting.
4. Another point is with regards to my 'self-trust', which is where I have reeeeaaaaal issues. This has been a more tricky point for me. I am very lazy when it comes to my self-direction and self-expression. In that I would rather have something else direct me and tell me how to express myself. In this I've been relying a little too much on muscle testing because I find it easier to just test on things than to sort of figure things out by myself. It's like this point within myself where I'm like "nah I'll rather just follow directions and just do what's expected of me than to actually go through the hassle of basically learning to express myself". Going through the process of getting to know my expression and how to effectively express the 'real me'. It's a bit scary and my reaction in the face of fear is to give up and search for something outside of myself to place my trust in. So this one I'm very much still in the beginning stages of changing.

So with this on my resume as my 'experience', I would say that the position I could stand in is in assisting and supporting others who are like me. Human beings who are also living that statement of 'I don't see the value in me' and are living this point of disempowerment and laziness within themselves and their lives. This is the 'pillar' I can stand as, of being a leading example of how to change this self-accepted programming. How to change from being disempowered and lazy, to being assertive and effective.

I hope that you will consider me in this role. I am looking forward to being a valuable part of your team.


Kim Amourette

No More Excuses

This is a continuation of my previous post "Give Me SEX!"

So with reading a color for ‘the universe’ yesterday, I had to come to terms with and face the EXCUSES that I have been using and hiding behind all this time to not simply change. To not simply be and stand as what I know is the best version of me.

Because the thing is that, in every moment I am actually always aware of what the best version of me is. But yet I accept something that’s less than that. Because of, ‘reasons’ lol. Because ‘I’m not ready to let go of the past’, ‘I still feel guilty about things’, ‘I need to forgive myself more’, ‘I need to understand myself better’ or ‘I’m still too deep into the mind’. All seemingly logical reasons for why I CAN’T stand as the best version of myself here in this moment. Why I can’t just make that decision that whatever ‘process’ I believed I still need to walk is DONE, and wherever I was walking towards is HERE.

Cause the thing is that you CAN actually make that decision. You are completely able and capable to unconditionally let go of the past in every moment and simply STAND as the best version of you. The only thing that’s standing in your way is your ‘reasons’, as your ‘excuses’ for why you APPARENTLY ‘can’t’. And it’s this ‘narrative’ in the mind which I have found sort of ‘difficult’ to just stop listening to. As in the ‘listening to’ it is just automatic. And it’s only once I read this color that I realized that ‘no, actually this reasoning in the mind is really just mind-programming designed to keep me down. Who I really am is the DECISION to change in just one moment’. It’s the ABILITY and CAPABILITY to say NO to what is not best, no matter what.

Reasons as excuses and justifications in the mind are mind-programming designed to make me believe that I am really actually powerless. That ‘for this and this and that reason’ I do not have the ability to decide who I am from moment to moment. I mean the mind is quite a magnificent creation in how it does this. In how it strips beings of their power, through nothing but BELIEF. In stopping you at every turn and having a program in place for every movement you make. To make sure that you are effectively and efficiently completely trapped in the mind, to the point that you BECOME the mind. But at the end of the day this is also one of those ‘reasons’ the mind would use. Just an excuse that you use and accept to not just stand up.

Cause an interesting thing is that these ‘programs’ in the mind are only effective and only ‘work’ because to an extent it was already existing within us on some level. We were in fact already ready and willing to not take responsibility for ourselves, so the mind just gave us an ‘excuse’ to abdicate responsibility, through programming that we’d accept and allow. So the ‘programming’ is just a more systematized version of who we already are inside ourselves. So that’s why we still do need to ‘face’ the programming and forgive it and stand one and equal with it. And why we do need to walk that process of forgiveness, taking responsibility for what the mind’s programming is showing us about who we really are inside. In terms of what already existed within us which we never took responsibility for.