The Power of FORGIVENESS

This is a continuation of my previous blog "The Harm and Damage Energy does to the Body"

It’s hard to believe that after over ten years of walking with desteni and applying self-forgiveness DAILY, that I’m only now really starting to understand what the word ‘forgiveness’ actually means lol. I mean of course I did look at the word before and tried to define it, but only now did I REAL-EYES what the word is as a LIVING WORD.

And it started with me noticing and recognizing this tendency I have to believe that I am ‘doomed’. Like, something will come up, or I will face something about myself that I hadn’t realized before. And for a moment I’m like ‘omg I’m so evil for doing this or being this way’. Which, yeah, fair enough, it’s true. I AM or HAVE BEEN ‘evil’, because, the mind is simply evil.  Everything about our human existence is ‘evil’, so yeah, when I start getting honest with myself, I’m gonna see some shit.

But I noticed that in the back of my mind, there is also a lot of resistance and reluctance to seeing the ‘shit’. Even though there’s a commitment to be as self-honest as I can be, there’s always at the same time been this strong resistance to really SEE the reality of myself. Because there’s this belief that I am effectively ‘damned’. That, in other words I do not have the ability to simply ‘change’, but that rather I am defined by whatever I am seeing and realizing. And that, when I see something ‘evil’ about myself, that means I AM evil.

So when I saw this point of ‘damnation’ within my mind I was like, ‘wait a minute, where’s my forgiveness??’ Why is it that even with all those years of applying and walking self-forgiveness, there’s still this belief within me that when it comes to the ‘evil’ inside me I can’t simply see it, realize it, forgive it and change? That somehow I must fear it because apparently I am ‘doomed’??

Which made me realize that clearly it’s within how I have and still actually am DEFINING the word ‘forgiveness’. Defining it as something that I cannot truly in fact give to myself. Something that I must strive to, and prove myself worthy of. Where, I must first prove that I am ‘good’ in order to ‘deserve forgiveness’. Lol, which is just crazy actually. I’ve defined ‘forgiveness’ in and as the religious construct in the mind. In terms of it being something that exists sort of in the ‘spirit realm’. Something that isn’t just HERE, directly accessible to me, but exists in some alternate dimension which I cannot actually get to.

It’s the accepted conditioning of the word as connected with the story of Jesus and the Bible and God and all that. All STORIES which really have nothing to do with actual practical reality. With what’s HERE. It’s more in the principle of ‘after you die’. Things like ‘forgiveness’ or ‘heaven’ or unconditional acceptance and love and absolution, will only be available to you after you die – and even there it’s a ‘maybe’. Cause again, it’s just stories that have nothing to do with REALITY.

The living word FORGIVENESS is actually simply about recognizing and realizing my power, ability and authority to GIVE myself all the things I’ve always wanted, through for instance living words. All those things that’s been defined in and as the religious construct – ‘heaven’, ‘unconditional love’, ‘acceptance’, ‘forgiveness’, ‘absolution’, ‘grace’, etcetera. All things that are of ‘Godliness’. So no wonder Jesus, along with forgiveness, have become defined in and as the religious construct, so that human beings would never recognize and realize the actual POWER of forgiveness, but would simply accept that it’s something ‘inaccessible’ for us ‘mere mortals’. Accepting our total disempowerment to create and give ourselves everything that we’ve always truly wanted on a beingness level. To truly stand as God and Creator.

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The Unwillingness to Give up on Something

This is a continuation of my previous post "I am a Pushover"

So when it comes to 'self-honesty', it's an interesting thing. Because, you'll only be 'self-honest' within the bounds of what you're 'willing' to be 'self-honest' about. There are things that you just won't want to 'touch'. Things that are so fueled by 'fear', that you're so afraid of 'losing', that you simply won't 'go there'. And things that are therefore 'veiled' from your own awareness.

Those are the things that make us 'evil'. Our points of 'possession'. Where we 'don't want to let go' of something. And there's a side of us that turns 'demonic' in a sense, as it tries to 'hide' and 'cling to' and 'safeguard' and 'defend', even from ourselves. Because no one, even ourselves, must ever 'touch' this point. Because that is how unwilling we are to 'give it up'.

We just can't even 'fathom' life without that point. It'll be our 'anchoring' point in this world. Like 'the one positive' that we have, and will cling to and defined tooth and nail. So it very much originates from like our 'deepest fear'. A fear we've come to accept and which we 'won't question'. Cause that point of fear is almost what the entirety of 'you' and 'your world' pivots around.

And then there's something that comes into your life and sort of gives you 'exactly what you were looking for'.  Your 'light in the darkness'. Your 'anchor'. Something that makes you feel less lost, makes you feel like you 'belong' and gives you a 'safe haven'. Something you accept as 'good' and therefore will never question the fear that's actually always been behind it.

And it's the things that are 'good' that we don't tend to question. The positive feelings. Cause, reality isn't 'good'. In fact, before this 'good' thing came into our lives, things were mostly 'bad'. And who wants to go back to that? So it takes a RADICAL level of self-honesty to start lifting that 'veil' and to start 'touching' that which would force us to face our deepest fear. To essentially let go of the 'one positive' and sort of plunge into that 'uncertainty' that's been hiding underneath.

Let me be Bad

This is a continuation of my previous post "I Give up my Self to Fear".

I've always participated in 'emotional manipulation' based on 'moral righteousness' when it comes to my relationships with people. As in, always doing my 'very best' to 'be a good person' and 'do the right thing'. Being the 'perfect wife', the 'perfect friend', the 'perfect daughter', and I'm sure if I had children I'd try to be the 'perfect mother'. 'Perfect' as in, always 'doing my best' to 'do the right thing'. Maybe I'm not actually 'perfect' in fact, but the fact that I 'try my hardest' and essentially give up my 'self' just to try and 'do what's right', sort of gives me a 'moral high-ground'.

I get to now use 'guilt' as 'manipulation', making other people feel like they 'owe me' because of all the things I 'do for them'. Because 'oh look what a good person I am' and 'all I do is just trying my best to do what's right' and 'I just care so much'. When, all I'm ACTUALLY doing, is that I'm just 'giving up myself', for 'relationships'. For 'other people'. And then basically expecting people to do the same for me, using guilt as 'manipulation' to try to make that happen.

I mean this whole 'I'm just trying to do what's right' and 'I'm just trying to be a good person'. It's a personality. It's not who I really am. It's just something that I have 'learned' or 'copied', because I was 'manipulated' in the same way. But it's not actually the 'real me'. I don't actually have to 'care that much' about other people. I don't have to lay down my life and give up my self just to 'do right by people'. I don't have to be a 'good person'. Cause it's all actually just manipulation, to try and get other people to give me what I'm not giving myself. And to try and 'compensate' for the fact that I'm not caring about myself as I'm too busy trying to be everything for everyone else.

Cause in fact, I am not actually 'perfect', or 'good' or 'righteous'. No matter how hard I 'try', there's actually always going to be parts of me that are 'bad' and 'evil'. Parts of myself where I don't actually 'care'. Where I'm not actually 'considerate'. Where I'm actually quite 'selfish' or 'ignorant' or 'self-involved'. And, instead of trying to constantly be 'good', I just need to accept that I'm 'not'. And basically drop the belief that I need to be anything for anyone else, cause that's manipulation.

I can be Evil if I Wanted to

This is a continuation of my previous post "In it but not Of it"

Do you know why there are full-blown 'psychopaths' and 'sociopaths' and 'abusers' in this world? Cause it exists in all of us. And I'm not talking about the 'innocent' stuff, like jealousy, or anger or rage. Which is more like these 'intense emotions' that take us over and, if pushed just a little further over that edge, might drive us to 'murder' someone for example, sure.

I'm talking about the pure 'inhuman', 'incomprehensible' and 'pure evil' type of 'cruelty'. The kind of cruelty that is 'unwarranted'. That's not necessarily fueled by 'emotions' or 'reactions', but is born from purely just the 'ability' to 'do evil'. A point of 'spitefulness' born from our 'freedom' to 'choose'. It's a very 'small', and seemingly 'irrelevant' point within us. But it's there.

I mean it's basically the consequence of not ever having existed in self-responsibility. And if you'd strip us down, that's all that's really left. That 'vile', secret, spiteful energy of 'I can be evil if I wanted to'. 'Free choice'. It's in fact a sort of pure hate  that comes from never having really existed. From the awareness of the extent to which we have abdicated ourselves as beings. Which at this point really is the only thing that's 'real' about us.

It's the awareness deep, deep down, that all we've ever existed as, all we've ever 'been good for' is to just charge these systems that are in fact the opposite of who we really are. So it's like all our compressed shame, anger, disappointment and disempowerment with ourselves channeled into the one point of 'spitefulness'. Sort of like we're saying "can't be my true self, so might as well just be evil". It's the ultimate having 'given up' on ourselves.

And if we can't be honest with ourselves about that point, then we can't possibly be 'real'. Then nothing of what we do or who we believe ourselves to be, is real. If we can't come to grips with how 'fucked' we actually are. And how 'unlikely' it actually is for us to ever be 'life'.

Who you Really Are

This is a continuation of "How Honorable are you?"

So I mean, the problems are immense and immeasurable. When you start lifting up that 'carpet', there is just all the shit that you've been hiding from yourself, been 'blissfully unaware' of. And it is VAST.

And I've found that when I am seeing it, the 'real shit', I end up sort of staring lifelessly at it, not really knowing what to do with myself, other than just forcing myself to really SEE that which I've been dishonest about all this time. And obviously feeling more and more ashamed and regretful of what I've allowed.

Because yes the reality is that I AM an abuser. I AM deceitful, dishonest, dishonorable, self-interested, self-involved and every evil thing imaginable. That's me! And so yes, the only 'honorable' thing I can do at this point is to just not look away, but to at least be honest with myself about who I 'really am'.

But, at the end of the day, this is no solution either lol. I can keep 'feeling bad' and 'crying' over spilled milk, and yes at least I'm not pretending anymore so that's 'something'. At least that means that I CAN be honest and 'real'. But it doesn't mean that I am 'changed'.

Actual change can only happen when you are face to face with the evil that is you, and you forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for living that evil, for believing that it is 'you', for having 'become' it. And for believing that it is truly who you are and 'all that you are', rather than realizing that it is a 'programming' of 'energy' which, yes, you've accepted, but isn't who you really are.

There is actually 'more' to you. You've just never allowed yourself to see it because you accepted yourself as this programming. As this shameful, unworthy, inferior version of 'you'.