Safe Haven: A Self-Creation

This is a continuation of my previous post "To Be Self-Conscious"

Ok so we’re looking at this again lol. There’s so much ‘resistance’ around keeping the focus on this word I’ve found. But, not even the ‘obvious’ resistance. You know where you get all lethargic or when you just know that you’re busy distracting yourself and you just DON’T WANT TO do the thing you’ve set about doing.

This resistance is more ‘insidious’ I suppose. It’s like a gradual waning of the interest in working with it, and then before I know it, my interests are elsewhere and the word has been forgotten. And so have the realizations and understandings of its importance and the importance and relevance of working with it.

And the reasons for that are a couple different ones. There’s just the belief that ‘there are more important things to focus on’. And yes fair enough, I mean when you’re walking your process, there’s always going to be points that come up to look into. Points that grab your attention for a moment and seem quite ‘relevant’ and ‘important’ when and as they come up, because it’s just what’s ‘here’. And so you work with what is ‘here’.

But I guess mostly the ‘resistance’ stems from the fact that me CHOOSING and DECIDING to take on this word and explore and figure out for myself what it means to live and be and become this word, is truly a point of SELF-creation and SELF-direction. It is something I stand alone in. Something I can’t follow others in or trust others in. Like, this is purely me deciding to do this. And so there are a lot of doubts and insecurities that sort of activate in the mind because of that, which is what makes me eventually ‘lose interest’ in pursuing this. And why one moment I will realize and understand the absolute importance that I keep my focus on creating and living this word, and why the next I’ll have ‘forgotten’ all about it.

Because there’s lots and lots of fears in the mind with regards to ‘self-creation’. Or rather with regards to doing or deciding anything for myself. Being self-directive. The mind is more geared towards just being a ‘follower’, a slave, someone who doesn’t decide things for themselves but who follows and takes instructions and just ‘does what everybody else is doing’.

And specifically walking it consistently would be an act of self-creation. Actually keeping the focus on it, and saying YES this is what I am creating! Cause deep down there is quite a bit of self-doubt actually. Where, even though yes I do sort of see how and why It would be supportive for me to live this word, when it comes to ACTUALLY ‘creating’ through being consistent, there’s a doubt that comes up that maybe I can’t really trust myself. Maybe I can’t really entirely trust my own assessment of what’s ‘best’ and of what to create. So yeah, maybe I should just let it go a bit and focus on other things.

Sort of a point of thinking ‘who am I to create anything?’ ‘Who am I to decide anything?’ ‘I don’t know anything and I have never known anything so who the hell am I to think that I know what is best?’ Even though lol, obviously a ‘safe haven’ is best. I mean, why wouldn’t it be? Wouldn’t it be truly ‘best for all’ if earth, if existence, was a ‘safe haven’? Yet somehow this ‘doubt’ point is making me give up on something that I can clearly see for myself is BEST. Something I do see is worth creating. Yet so much in me is still sort of giving the ‘benefit of the doubt’ to the mind. The mind saying ‘oh no all this other stuff is more important’. And sure, yes it’s also important to work with the day-to-day kind of points that come up, of course. BUT equally if not much more important to keep the eye on self-creation. Cause I mean I can ‘work with’ or ‘work through’ points till kingdom come, but at the end of the day I’m the one who needs to actually create that kingdom lol. So I do need to live that DECISION of ‘THIS is what I am CREATING!’ consistently, until I have created it.

To practically live a word

 

In my process so far of living this word Safe Haven, what I've discovered is that pretty much EVERYTHING about me in terms of the 'me' I've come to accept and believe myself to be, is the complete opposite of this word. And that therefore it's been 'challenging' to sort of hold the word inside of me and consistently 'live' it.

I mean yes there is the practical ways to live the word in physical reality, which does help a lot. To just look at what it would practically speaking mean to live and apply this word. But I've found that there is also the 'internal' aspect of living the word, and that's where I've found it to be a bit more challenging. Because, on an internal level as I said my 'default' is to live and experience and perceive  and 'be' just the opposite as 'who I am' in the mind.

Like if you read all the 'points' I've connected with the word Safe Haven in the photo, and you take the opposite of each point, you'd get how I basically exist within and as my mind. So I figured, 'Ok maybe I just need to more specifically define what a Safe Haven is exactly, to make it easier for myself to live it on that internal level'. Like creating a 'mind map' for myself, where basically every time I speak the word Safe Haven or bring it up or look at it within myself, it will automatically also bring up all these definitions I've connected with it. Just like, when you speak or think a word in your mind, there's all these preprogrammed definitions that come up along with it as the sort of 'placeholder' for that word within you, or how that word has been 'anchored' and defined and how it 'exists' within you. So it kind of seems only 'right' that you'd need to create similar 'place-holders' for the word(s) you're deciding to live.

But then again, looking at it now, even though it does make sense to clearly define what a word is or what it means for yourself, at the end of the day the only real way to live the word is on that physical 'external' level. To basically place more emphasis and focus on who you are and how you live on a physical practical level. Because if anything, that's the dimension that's always been missed with regards to how the mind defines words and how words have been programmed within us.

Where the words we live, or rather which we believe we're living, are more like abstract concepts and thoughts in our minds. Where we'll often believe we're living a word, like let's say honesty or integrity, but if and when we really start having a look at who and how we really are in our physical behavior and expression, we'll find we've actually been living the exact opposite of those words. Simply because, we never really got down into the nitty gritty of what these words are as LIVING words, as in physical things that actually EXIST. They're usually more connected with feelings and experiences on an external level. It's definitely one thing to BELIEVE that you're living a word, and a whole other thing to actually BE the word.

So maybe I should just forget about the 'internal dimension' of living the word altogether lol and purely focus on the physical. And in those moments where I maybe feel a bit 'confused' or where I feel my 'default' programming creeping up, I could just redirect my focus to my physical living and ask myself 'how can I in this moment physically live my word Safe Haven?' Because if anything, even that shift of focus from the mind to the physical is in itself already living the word, since everything about the mind is the opposite of a Safe Haven, while everything about the physical is actually a 'safe haven'.

 

 

Living Safe Haven on all Levels

This is a continuation of my previous post "To Live the Word CARE"

What came through for me in this interview is the point of, when it comes to creating something or ‘specifying’ within something, It’s not a matter of trying to ‘become it’, but more a matter of seeing what of you is already actually living that point and then just adding to what’s already here.

So I thought I would apply that approach to my word Safe Haven. To, rather than seeing it as something I still need to ‘bring here’ and create, instead look at how I might already be living it and then looking at what I can add to that and how I can expand on that.

In a way I can see that I do already live that ‘Safe Haven’ that I would like for myself, in relation to the people and beings around me. In terms of creating and providing that space where people can feel comfortable and know that they won’t be judged. That they have the space to be themselves and express themselves. That they are heard and considered. That they don’t have to feel afraid or anxious or threatened or intimidated or fearful or tense in any way. They are ‘safe’ with me. I will not do ANYTHING to harm them. I will not judge them. I will not react to them. And even if I do judge or react, I will not take it out on them. I will not be mean. I will not be spiteful. I will not get angry. I will not be nasty or bitchy or annoying or overbearing or ‘impose’ anything of myself onto them. I will do everything I can to support them or help them out. I do my best to treat them in a way that is of the utmost consideration and understanding. I try to essentially be as ‘soft’ and as ‘gentle’ and ‘caring’ with those around me as possible.

The thing is, that when it comes to myself however, I’m like the opposite lol. I am not that same ‘safe haven’ that I try to provide and be for others, to myself. So basically, what I’d need to ‘add’ to how I am already living this word, is ‘myself’ and so just also live it in relation to myself. Live it in all areas and all dimensions of ‘reality’ – internally as well as externally. So that I can truly BE the living word SAFE HAVEN, as a living statement of WHO I AM.

Cause it’s interesting that it’s almost as though I’ve been living the word safe haven as a polarity. Kind of believing that, well if I’m going to be gentle and soft and caring and considerate and understanding on the outside, then I have to be harsh and hard and uncaring and inconsiderate and judgmental on the inside. To ‘compensate’. As if I can’t just BE and LIVE  that ‘safe haven’ completely and entirely. No, there has to be the ‘negative’ to that ‘positive’. And so if I’m going to be the ‘positive’ in relation to others, well then I will just have to take the ‘negative’ out on myself.

So, I have already been living my living word safe haven, just in a way that’s polarized. And so have accepted and allowed the mind to take my beingness potential as the living of this word, and channel it into a polarity to generate energy, causing me to at the end of the day not truly LIVE the word  in awareness as a self-directed action. As I still allow things that are in fact the OPPOSITE of ‘safety’ or a ‘safe haven’ within myself. Doesn’t matter if it’s ‘just in relation to myself’. If I accept and allow things like judgment or anger or punishment to exist, in any way and on any level whatsoever, then ‘safety’ cannot exist.

So from this perspective, I need to stop thinking of my ‘inner self’ as something ‘separate’ from the rest of reality. As if it doesn’t matter what I allow inside of me cause it’s apparently ‘just me’. And I need to start realizing and recognizing that it’s all one and equal. Inner self, outer self, inner reality, outer reality. One and equal. There is no ‘separation’ or ‘differentiation’. Something can only be REAL if and when I live it within and without, on all levels of existence.

Living my Living Word

This is a continuation of my previous post "My Living Word"

Working with the word Safe Haven has been interesting so far. My initial exploration of the word was more on an internal level, of 'what does it mean to be and stand as a Safe Haven?' But then I also looked at 'how can I practically, physically live this world?', which was a little more challenging since it's not so easy as just basically 'feeling' or 'seeing' the word within me.

Safe Haven for me is very much about focusing on myself, in terms of creating a 'safe space' for myself, both internally as externally. A place where I am 'free from harm'. A 'harbor'. A place where I can relax and be myself.

On an internal level that means to sort of draw everything into me, like drawing ships into my harbor, rather than me being 'drawn out' within for instance focusing on others over myself and thinking about 'the world around me' more than myself. With living Safe Haven it's more like, all those points I tend to get 'drawn to' within my thoughts, when I sort of 'drift off' within thinking about other people and then lose my awareness of myself within that - I have to instead draw all those points into myself. Draw 'other people' into myself, and so making my awareness of myself my primary focus. And, rather than me getting pulled towards it, I pull it towards me.

On an external level, a point I have considered is to just literally create a 'safe haven' for myself. In terms of creating a living space and environment that makes me feel 'safe'. Considering 'me' and what I need, within how I organize and set up and create my living space. Which is in fact equally important as the internal dimension. It's living the word on all levels of 'who I am', in oneness and equality.

And it's certainly counter-intuitive I have noticed, just because I'm not used to living in this way. I am used to 'getting lost' within thinking and worrying about 'other people'. I'm used to sort of neglecting my physical living space and not really consider what I actually need, to support myself. I am used to not making myself the 'center focus' of everything, and I'm used to NOT feeling safe within myself and my reality. So it's definitely been opening up fascinating points for me so far.


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My Living Word

This is a continuation of my previous post "My CV for Life"

In lieu of the latest Destonians chats, I’ve been working with the word ‘Safe Haven’ as the word that I want to stand as and live for myself, and my ‘support word’ to start changing points faster. It took me a while to find that word lol but once I sort of allowed myself to sink into my body and breath, it’s what came up and it just sat well within me. Even made me tear up lol so I was like ‘alright this must be the word’.

Safe Haven because, so much of ‘me’ is just plain fear actually. Where I mostly feel unsettled within myself and tend to overthink and go into worries, insecurities, doubts and just a lot of inner conflict, all from the starting point of fear, basically. So just never had a ‘safe haven’ within and as myself. Like a knowing that ‘I am here’ and I don’t need to worry. And I will be fine, cause I’m ‘safe’ within myself, no matter what.

And I’ve been applying this word in relation to points wherein I am not trusting myself. Which is a point I’ve kind of accepted is almost impossible to change. The lack of self-trust, where I would rather turn to something outside of myself to direct me and tell me what to do and how to be and how I’m doing. Because, obviously if you don’t feel ‘safe’ within yourself and you don’t have a ‘safe haven’, you also won’t be able to trust yourself cause you feel like you won’t be there for you if you ‘fall’.

So every time I am seeing myself go into a point of wanting to rather place my trust in something other than just myself, I’ve been bringing up this word ‘Safe Haven’, as basically the point of knowing that ‘no matter what happens, I am here. And so I can relax and don’t need to worry’. And it’s been supporting me to ‘calm the waters’ within myself. To stop being so frantic lol, and panicky, and being so afraid of ‘making mistakes’. Just to, rather than getting all caught up in the fear that’s going on within me, place my focus on just living this word Safe Haven within and for myself.

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