The Meaning of Purpose

 

 I've noticed that when it comes to ideas that I have where 'I'd like to' express something, like make a vlog or a blog and just do something that is in line with me expressing my care for life and the process I'm walking, there will very easily be 'discouragement' or rather thoughts come up that it's 'purposeless'. That I shouldn't bother, it's silly, it's stupid, just let it go and drop it and focus on more important things. 

That's lead me to have another look at the word 'purpose' and how I'm defining it, in terms of what is it that I'm actually deeming 'important', valuable and worthy of my time. Because clearly, some programming in my mind is telling me that the things I want to do that would stand in support of life are 'purposeless'. So there's a problem here...

 

 Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word purpose in the context of the mind as survival – where the question ‘what’s the purpose of this?’ must always be able to be answered in terms of how will it generate money, or a following, or produce something that’s considered a ‘value’ within the mind, such as money or fame or popularity or success of some sort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must require ‘proof’ that whatever I’m doing will in some way contribute to a future success in terms of money and survival – or that it must be nearly ‘set in stone’ that what I’m doing will have that eventual result of ‘success’ as defined in terms of money and/or fame – otherwise it’s simply not worth doing at all and is a ‘worthless pursuit’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to find no ‘purpose’ and so no value or worth in things I do just for the sake of seeing that it may contribute to a better world, that it may be supportive in some way, where I am just expressing my ‘self’ as in my care for life and my care to contribute to a better world in whatever way possible, and where I don’t necessarily have a whole future business model all mapped out in terms of how I might become famous or make money from it or how I may even be able to be consistent in doing it – because all I have is that drive and that point of care to hopefully maybe do and contribute to something that matters

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that what matters isn’t scripted in any way, so it’s never going to be that ‘sure thing’ in terms of the mind’s definition of ‘money’ and ‘success’, and so to the mind it will never have ‘purpose’ – there will never be a ‘purpose’ or a value and worth in doing it and there’ll always be plenty of reasons for why you should just ‘give up’ and ‘not even bother’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that as long as ‘purpose’ is defined by and up to the mind, I will never see a ‘purpose’ in anything I do that matters, in terms of things I do as a ‘self’-expression – and that I must be the directive principle of the word ‘purpose’, in terms of for myself deciding what truly has value and worth in this world and what doesn’t – and so not just accept those thoughts that come up in the mind of ‘there’s no purpose to this’ or ‘this is worthless and a waste of time’ just because it does not directly relate to ‘survival’ and ‘money’ and ‘success’ defined within survival and money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept this preprogrammed definition of the word ‘purpose’, where the value or worth of something is defined by whether it’s able to contribute to ‘survival’ and ‘success’ as defined within the mind consciousness system where it’s defined within self-interest rather than what’s best or supportive for all – instead of being the directive principle of ‘purpose’ and aligning it with life as what’s best for all as who I really am and what I know to be what matters, where everything that contributes to creating a better world for all has value and worth, and the things that only consider self-interest do not have value or worth and so are ‘without purpose’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that the consequences of living the word purpose as defined by the mind consciousness system in terms of only seeing value and worth in what’s going to contribute to my survival in this world is that I’m contributing to and creating a world and reality that does not honor life as self-expression in every moment – a world of competition and separation that disregards and neglects what’s actually here such as nature and animals, where no care is given to that which really matters, and so a world doomed to self-destruct

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word purpose within a positively charged energy that tells me that 'something HAS purpose' - instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that everything has a particular 'purpose' -- it's to just find out what that purpose is by investigating the consequences of my actions and having a look at what I'm actually contributing to and creating through my actions and behavior

i forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that this belief that there are certain things that are 'purposeful' and other things that are 'purposeless' just shows me that I have been brainwashed and programmed to be a robot who only does things they've been programmed to believe 'have purpose' without understanding the actual purpose as in the consequences and what I'm actually busy creating - and so without being the directive principle in terms of actually investigating the consequences of my actions as to what 'purpose' my actions are actually serving, as well as deciding what it is I actually want to be creating

Self-commitment

When and as I see myself thinking that there’s no purpose to something I’m doing just because I cannot prove to myself or show how it might contribute to any future ‘success’ as defined by the mind in terms of money/fame/survival, and that I ‘shouldn’t even bother doing it’ and ‘should just give it up’ – then I stop and I breathe, and I see and realize and understand that I am living the word purpose as defined in and as the mind and have been accepting and allowing the mind to be the directive principle of ‘purpose’

And I see, realize and understand that it’s how I’ve been taught and preprogrammed to live the word purpose – and that thus real purpose aligned with life as what’s best for all in oneness and equality is to investigate and look into the actual consequences of what I place value and worth in and which actions and behavior I deem valuable and worthy and which ones I don’t, to not just trust the thoughts that come up in the mind that something is ‘worthless’ and ‘I shouldn’t bother’ but to actually look into ‘what would this contribute to?’ and so to see where this action will take me and what I will end up creating through it

I see and realize and understand that the mind is programmed to automatically judge everything that’s aligned with life and that’s best for all as ‘purposeless’, and everything that contributes to self-interest as ‘purposeful’ – and that thus it’s up to me to investigate all things and be the directive principle of the word purpose in terms of self-honestly having a look at what actually contributes to creating a world that’s best for all and what actually only contributes to its inevitable destruction

As I see and realize and understand that oftentimes the mind will deem something ‘purposeless’ and ‘not worth doing’ while its those things that actually come from a place of innocence and self-expression and genuine care

I commit myself to live the word purpose  in terms of making sure that my actions and behavior is aligned with ultimately contributing to and creating a world that is best for all – supporting those behaviors and actions that are aligned with life and changing the ones that aren’t

Tourettes

This is a continuation of my previous post "You're a Fucking Bitch"

Looking back on my life in general, there were many moments, many memories I have, wherein I seemed to deliberately place myself in situations that just caused me greater stress and anxiety and emotional inner conflict than I was already experiencing. Where I was for instance doing things because of some belief or idea in my mind of ‘oh this is what I’m supposed to be doing’ and completely ignored the fact that what I was doing was making me feel extremely uncomfortable. Like there was just a complete disregard for my own feelings and inner experiences and on top of that as well a tendency to almost deliberately make myself feel uncomfortable and uneasy. Like a bullying of myself in a way.

In fact most of the things I did, in terms of the people I chose to hang out with and the activities we participated in, actually made me feel very anxious. And if I had listened to myself and done what was best for me, I simply would not have chosen  those friends/activities. Yet, I did all of it because I believed it’s what I wanted. It’s only now, being more aware of who I am in my mind, that I am realizing and seeing that I was living this programming of being harmful towards myself – in terms of basically rather than doing what made me feel good, comfortable and pleasant, I did that which made me feel uncomfortable, anxious, nervous, ashamed and conflicted within myself. And I felt good about that! Lol

And then I’d also sometimes ended up blaming other people for judging me, instead of realizing that I placed myself in that situation to begin with, kind of throwing myself to the vultures, being vulnerable to be judged. Because sure, judgment is a thing. People judge. And yes if you’re going to behave and express yourself in a certain way, people are going to judge you in a certain way. So it’s almost like I deliberately did things that would cause others as well as myself to judge me, so that I could then go and feel ashamed and embarrassed and disappointed within myself, over and over and over again.

It’s kind of similar to people who have Tourettes. You see them reacting immediately to their own behavior and expression with shame, guilt and embarrassment. But it’s like they can’t help themselves. There’s something inside of them that needs/wants to do it. It’s that addiction to ‘self-harm’. Something inside them that yes, DELIBERATELY, places them in situations wherein they WILL end up feeling bad about themselves in some way.

So why do this? What’s going on here? What I traced it back to within myself  is this sort of attachment to ‘relationships’. Or rather, a more intense one than within your average human. A more intense sense of ‘I just want to be friends’ or ‘I want you to like me’. It’s kind of a ‘relationship demon’. And it’s interesting because ‘relationships’ actually means self-compromise. Cause the more you want or try to create relationships with others, the more you’re willing to not be yourself just so you can please others. It’s a form of self-abuse. Cause you’re just not considering yourself in any way whatsoever, as you’ll do anything just to be ‘liked by others’.

And I mean me personally have never been able to imagine NOT having this desire for relationships. To be able to ‘just be myself’ when I’m around other people. Also the concept of ‘agreements’ was always something unfathomable to me. Only now are my eyes starting to open to the possibilities of existing beyond this ‘relationship preprogramming’. To consider that it’s possible to be ‘together’ with another person, yet not in a ‘relationship’, but in an ‘agreement’. And for me to honor my relationship with myself instead.

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I shall not express myself

This is a continuation of my previous post "Fighting for Righteousness"

so it's kind of weird, this thing. This point within me wherein I seem to have learned not to express myself. Not to ever 'express' the real me sort of speak. Like, anything that I do express always comes from a starting point of 'careful deliberation' in the mind. From 'thinking' wherein i decide 'how I should express myself'. So there is like a almost 'complete' suppression of me as the directive principle. Cause it's always my thoughts that are that directive principle. It's like at some point in my life I 'accepted' that I should not express me. And that I must express only thoughts.

So I suppressed like the 'genuine' part of me. That which would 'genuinely' express itself, without thoughts and without thinking. And it's like hiding under just this 'wall' of like almost an attacking of myself. Or like, basically all the 'reasons' for why I cannot and should not express myself. Which is like judgments of myself and like thoughts about all the things I believe I've done wrong and so this wall is kind of like a 'punishment' of myself. Or like this point of believing that I don't 'deserve' to express myself because oh look at all these things that I am doing wrong. All these reasons why I don't deserve to be genuine and 'free' and 'me'.

Like for instance something that will come up is that 'I wasted too much time walking my process', that I am 'too late'. Specifically compared to others, it's this belief that I should be punished for that or at least judged for it, and so must sit in this 'containment' until the judge and jury has decided that I may be released. Until I've 'done my sentence' in a way. Like if this 'real me' really is 'pure' and 'innocent', then I must be 'found innocent' and basically must have done nothing 'wrong'. But the thing is that I can always find so many things 'wrong' that I've done. So many ways in which I did not sort of measure up to the 'ideal'. Take Sunette for example. She would be the 'ideal'.

Like, from what I 'know' of her, she walked her process and transcended her mind in like a few years, and then started portaling. Whereas me, more than ten years later from when I began my process, here I am still only moved in 'increments'. Like sure I've changed from when I started, but I don't have the ability to portal, so like I am not yet as 'self-realized' as Sunette has been for years. So she's always like a reminder that I've just been 'wasting my time' and that I am just not disciplined enough, not driven enough, not self-honest enough, not self-responsible enough. Or at least that I haven't been. So then, do I really 'deserve' to sort of 'freely express myself'? When my 'track record' clearly shows that I never actually 'cared' enough about life to try harder?

But then, life is me isn't it? And the point of 'not caring about life' is the mind. So then at the end of the day it doesn't matter 'how long it took me' and 'how long I've wasted time', cause to care about life, as me, is to simply allow myself the freedom to express myself genuinely, unconditionally. Where, 'how long' it took me to get there doesn't matter. Cause only the mind would use something like that to still just 'prolong' that time. Only the mind would use numbers like days, months, years, hours, to 'calculate' and 'reason' why you would or would not 'deserve' something. And only the mind would use the concept of 'deserving' in the first place. For life, as me, the only thing that matters is that you're 'here'.

Doesn't matter how you 'compare' or what you've done in the past. None of that 'matters' because life is about being 'here'. Life doesn't 'hold grudges'. Life doesn't even have a 'memory'. Life is just 'expression'. Life doesn't care about you trying to 'rectify' or 'do penance' or 'atone'. Life is about unconditionally letting go and starting over. In every moment. All these words like atonement and even 'forgiveness' are things the mind uses to create 'the past' as 'memory'. To create the illusion that you are 'shackled' to something. Something that 'haunts' you and 'burdens' you and therefore you cannot just 'be you'. You cannot just express yourself genuinely and innocently. You have to have these 'memories' that just trail behind you and accumulate as you live your life and just sort of becomes more and more 'shit' that you now have to somehow 'rectify'.

And it's quite well done, this 'system'. This 'system' that makes these 'memories' seem like it's really 'who we are'. Where you look at your memories and go, "yeah, that's me". And you accept this 'prison'. Cause it 'makes sense' to you that 'life' is like this. That you have these things called memories, that somehow make up or define who you are. These things that sort of build this wall around you, and make it impossible for you to be 'free' in your expression.

To be Self-Honest

So how about we just assume that I have 'failed'? Because, this 'fear of failing' point is really the one thing that makes me go into ego.  As I then go and compare myself to others and then within that comparison there is always going to be a 'winner' and a 'loser' and I am always going to want to be the 'winner' and fear of being the 'loser'. And I mean it's to basically just not go into comparison at all.

To just be honest with me. Comparison must not exist within me at all anymore. Because what comparison then also does is it makes me doubt myself. Because, oh well other people don't seem to be doing what I'm doing so what if I'm 'wrong'. Cause it brings in this dimension of fear of being 'wrong', fear of being 'laughed at' and 'mocked' because oh look at Kim what is she doing. She's clearly not where we are and she's still there while we are over here. And omg haha Kim is such a loser.

So it just makes me doubt myself in what I'm doing. In my self-honesty. Cause now basically I am afraid of being self-honest cause well what if my self-honesty is - in comparison with others - not good enough? What if my self-honesty is inferior to others' self-honesty? What if I go and be honest about whats actually going on within myself, what actually exists within me, and the things that I'm really looking at inside of myself - and it turns out that 'wow', you know, I'm actually so much more deceptive and dishonest than others. Or, that all this stuff, others already walked through a long time ago, and here I am still sort of wading through this shit. Like, really what am I doing? Am I really THIS slow? THIS incompetent?

But then, that's self-honesty isn't it? It ain't pretty, but it's what's here. And what does it matter how it 'compares'? If you're really self-honest, then you don't care about that. Then the whole world can see 'who you are', all of you, and you will just stand.