To Be Self-Conscious

This is a continuation of my previous post "Am I Being Laughed at?"

What does it mean to be 'self-conscious'? From my - extensive - experience lol, and what I've also recently only realized, is that there's this interesting sort of 'point' within it that seems like just this want to 'be a good person'. Like, 'I'm just trying to learn and grow and be a better person'. And so that's why I will question and doubt and compare myself incessantly. That's why I am compulsively asking myself the question 'who am I?' So that I may ALWAYS be aware of all my flaws and mistakes and shortcomings and all the ways I'm 'less than' and 'inferior'... so that I can from there 'learn' to 'be more like others' who are 'better than me'.

I believe that being 'self-conscious' helps me to be more 'self-aware' and so helps me to change those parts and aspects of me that are 'inferior' and 'not good enough' and so will help me to ultimately become a better person. Through the excruciating process of constantly seeing just how flawed and inferior I am as a person. So I mean, this self-conscious programming in the mind is thus entirely 'justified' by it's apparent 'benevolence'. There's almost a sense of 'humbleness' to it.

But something I never necessarily realized or looked at is all the ENERGY I am generating within and through participating in the self-conscious programming. Cause I mean, every time I ask myself 'who am I?', and every time I compare myself, and doubt myself and attempt to answer the question 'who am I?', I go into emotional reactions. I generate a LOT of experiences of insecurity, doubt, inferiority, sadness, depression, guilt, shame and regret. I create a lot of inner emotional conflict.

And so if anything, the mind has just made a game out of the point of 'wanting to be a better person' or 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' by turning it into this sort of infinite loop or process wherein I'll be sure to generate lots of energy as emotions and keep the 'engine' going. All while I'm thinking and believing that I'm becoming 'better'. While I'm actually becoming 'less', becoming 'diminished', every time I go into the emotions. Since I'm not recognizing or realizing that 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' and 'becoming a better person' is really just about the process of becoming physical and getting out of the mind. Which means I just need to stop energy. Simple.

In fact it's as simple as just dropping the belief that I need to still become 'better', and still need to 'change' and 'improve' lol. It's to just accept who I am here and just be without reactions. Without mind. Cause I mean if my 'process' of 'self-change' and 'self-improvement' is really just triggering and feeding into a whole bunch of emotional experiences within myself, then something about it doesn't actually make sense.

Just need to learn to stop comparing myself, and stop thinking and believing and perceiving myself to be 'less than' and 'inferior'. Stop thinking there's more for me to 'learn' and that I'm not already 'good enough' as I am. That maybe I must be more 'like other people'. Maybe it's all in reverse and maybe instead of trying to become 'better' I need to realize I'm not 'less' to begin with.




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To Transcend the Mind you have to Walk Through it

This is a continuation of my previous post "To be Responsible is to ACT"

Even when you don't know whether you're 'wrong' or 'right', you have to just 'trust yourself'. I've been going through a bit of 'darkness' lately, basically because I wasn't 'trusting myself'. I was existing in 'doubt' of 'who I am'. And 'doubt' is like this place of 'limbo' in between 'good' and 'evil'. Am I good, or am I evil?!

I mean basically, when you exist in 'doubt', then you CREATE 'good' and 'evil'. So I was seeing all this 'evil' existing inside of me, and I figured I owed it to myself - to my self-honesty - to embrace all of it. To 'walk through it' instead of just suppressing it, which is what had been doing all my life.

And it turns out that it was only by walking through the 'darkness' and embracing all the 'evil', that I learned to trust myself, only to then realize that none of it was actually 'real'. But, it was 'real enough' for me since I had actually created it as an 'alternate reality' within my mind. So, since I had created it, I had to face it.

So if you 'doubt' who you are, then guess what? You get to walk through the 'hell' you've created as you were 'hoping' to be deserving of 'heaven'. Because, there is no 'hope'. Hope is fear, and fear is hell. So if you 'hope', you're going to 'hell' lol.

Self-trust only 'emerged' for me when I went, "alright, I guess I'm evil then", and gave up on 'hope'. When I embraced my deepest, darkest fear. My self-created 'hell'. So unfortunately, I realized, you can't 'transcend' the mind without walking 'through' it. Can't realize that it isn't 'real' without facing all the things you've believed and accepted to be 'real'.

To be Self-Honest

So how about we just assume that I have 'failed'? Because, this 'fear of failing' point is really the one thing that makes me go into ego.  As I then go and compare myself to others and then within that comparison there is always going to be a 'winner' and a 'loser' and I am always going to want to be the 'winner' and fear of being the 'loser'. And I mean it's to basically just not go into comparison at all.

To just be honest with me. Comparison must not exist within me at all anymore. Because what comparison then also does is it makes me doubt myself. Because, oh well other people don't seem to be doing what I'm doing so what if I'm 'wrong'. Cause it brings in this dimension of fear of being 'wrong', fear of being 'laughed at' and 'mocked' because oh look at Kim what is she doing. She's clearly not where we are and she's still there while we are over here. And omg haha Kim is such a loser.

So it just makes me doubt myself in what I'm doing. In my self-honesty. Cause now basically I am afraid of being self-honest cause well what if my self-honesty is - in comparison with others - not good enough? What if my self-honesty is inferior to others' self-honesty? What if I go and be honest about whats actually going on within myself, what actually exists within me, and the things that I'm really looking at inside of myself - and it turns out that 'wow', you know, I'm actually so much more deceptive and dishonest than others. Or, that all this stuff, others already walked through a long time ago, and here I am still sort of wading through this shit. Like, really what am I doing? Am I really THIS slow? THIS incompetent?

But then, that's self-honesty isn't it? It ain't pretty, but it's what's here. And what does it matter how it 'compares'? If you're really self-honest, then you don't care about that. Then the whole world can see 'who you are', all of you, and you will just stand.