To Be Self-Conscious

This is a continuation of my previous post "Am I Being Laughed at?"

What does it mean to be 'self-conscious'? From my - extensive - experience lol, and what I've also recently only realized, is that there's this interesting sort of 'point' within it that seems like just this want to 'be a good person'. Like, 'I'm just trying to learn and grow and be a better person'. And so that's why I will question and doubt and compare myself incessantly. That's why I am compulsively asking myself the question 'who am I?' So that I may ALWAYS be aware of all my flaws and mistakes and shortcomings and all the ways I'm 'less than' and 'inferior'... so that I can from there 'learn' to 'be more like others' who are 'better than me'.

I believe that being 'self-conscious' helps me to be more 'self-aware' and so helps me to change those parts and aspects of me that are 'inferior' and 'not good enough' and so will help me to ultimately become a better person. Through the excruciating process of constantly seeing just how flawed and inferior I am as a person. So I mean, this self-conscious programming in the mind is thus entirely 'justified' by it's apparent 'benevolence'. There's almost a sense of 'humbleness' to it.

But something I never necessarily realized or looked at is all the ENERGY I am generating within and through participating in the self-conscious programming. Cause I mean, every time I ask myself 'who am I?', and every time I compare myself, and doubt myself and attempt to answer the question 'who am I?', I go into emotional reactions. I generate a LOT of experiences of insecurity, doubt, inferiority, sadness, depression, guilt, shame and regret. I create a lot of inner emotional conflict.

And so if anything, the mind has just made a game out of the point of 'wanting to be a better person' or 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' by turning it into this sort of infinite loop or process wherein I'll be sure to generate lots of energy as emotions and keep the 'engine' going. All while I'm thinking and believing that I'm becoming 'better'. While I'm actually becoming 'less', becoming 'diminished', every time I go into the emotions. Since I'm not recognizing or realizing that 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' and 'becoming a better person' is really just about the process of becoming physical and getting out of the mind. Which means I just need to stop energy. Simple.

In fact it's as simple as just dropping the belief that I need to still become 'better', and still need to 'change' and 'improve' lol. It's to just accept who I am here and just be without reactions. Without mind. Cause I mean if my 'process' of 'self-change' and 'self-improvement' is really just triggering and feeding into a whole bunch of emotional experiences within myself, then something about it doesn't actually make sense.

Just need to learn to stop comparing myself, and stop thinking and believing and perceiving myself to be 'less than' and 'inferior'. Stop thinking there's more for me to 'learn' and that I'm not already 'good enough' as I am. That maybe I must be more 'like other people'. Maybe it's all in reverse and maybe instead of trying to become 'better' I need to realize I'm not 'less' to begin with.




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Overwhelmed with Self-judgment

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Capitalist Mind-Set"

Every once in a while there’ll be this point coming up in my mind of like thinking that I’ve been replaced in process and then I’ll suddenly feel just very ‘down’ on myself and actually even go into this downward spiral of thinking where I just perceive myself as this complete ‘failure’. As ‘unworthy’ to even exist because I’ve apparently ‘failed’ in my ‘purpose’. Because yes I wouldn’t say my process so far has been ‘smooth sailing’ or hasn’t been like a straight line of consistent application. Even though yes I’ve always ‘been there’, walking with Desteni, I’ve abdicated responsibility on points, gone into ‘revenge of the ego’ and sort of turned a blind eye to specific ‘positive’ experiences that I was participating in.

And it’s like in that one moment, ALL the judgment in my mind comes up and just floods over me and I feel just overwhelmed with self-judgment, self-doubt, and self-rejection. Absolutely convinced that yes I am ‘unworthy’ because oh look at all the ways in which I am not who and how I believe I should be right now.

So clearly I am not having much ‘appreciation’ for myself. More looking at all the ‘bad’ and using that to define me, rather than looking at how to simply support myself. And also not having much appreciation for others as I use other people to compare myself and compete, and subsequently apparently ‘failing’, rather than simply appreciating what I can learn from people and how I can use others within who and how they are, to learn and grow and change and become a better person.

So kind of stepping out of that ‘competitive’ mind-set wherein life actually sort of feels like a war-zone and it’s ‘every man for himself’ and it’s ‘do or die’ and you ‘can’t fall behind’ and ‘gotta keep up’ and everybody around you is basically your enemy. And where it’s like you only get one shot and either you get it right or you fail and die a failure. Where there’s basically no such thing as ‘support’ or ‘compassion’ or ‘cooperation’. And you feel like you’re just a lone soldier standing alone and isolated on a cold battlefield.

But that’s the mind. The mind is all about that life. All about competition and comparison and a ‘fight to the death’. And it’s a challenge to change that to how things could be and to what is actually best for all.  Which is to exits in simply an appreciation of life. And within that appreciation, you get to learn from others and so grow and change and become better, through others. Where in fact there’s only the principle of ‘none are free until all are free’, and so you work together, learn from each other, support each other and take care of each other and you stand in ONENESS and EQUALITY.

I am Not Special

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Self-Interest Demon"

When it comes to process, things are in a way 'predetermined' within the principle of 'if I were in your shoes I would have lived the exact same life'. Like what process 'is', is life sort of taking back it's power and realizing itself through us as beings. So where previously our lives were 'predetermined' based on mind consciousness system programming, now they're predetermined based on life and what it takes for life to birth itself in the physical. It's sort of just a shift in 'starting point' for existence, in terms of 'why' we live the lives that we do.

So, everything is 'specific'. No one is 'special'. In fact, if I had lived your life, I would have made the exact same decisions you have, I would have come to the same conclusions and realized the same things. And the only reason any of us are 'walking process' or are 'destonians' is because of our 'location points'. With what you've walked in your life, in your preprogramming, and in your existence, with where and how you grew up, that's what made you 'hear' the Desteni message. Not because you're 'special'. But because of your unique 'location point' in existence. Anyone in your shoes would have been the same.

So is there such a thing as 'free choice'? Yes and no. Like you can always 'choose' self-interest I guess, but that 'choice' in itself exists within and as the mind. So it's not really 'you' as the directive principle anyways. So like, yeah, everything is specific. And that's oneness and equality isn't it? As LIFE. No 'specialness', no 'separation', no 'competition', no 'individuality'. Just 'all as one as equal', as ME. Like, it's already HERE. We just haven't realized it yet.

I'm just a Player in the Game

This is a continuation of my previous post "I can be Evil if I Wanted to"

And like, as long as there exists 'competition' in you, as in 'comparison', you're GONNA always be the 'loser' lol. Cause it's the point you have to eventually face as the 'consequence' of your 'creation'. So if you think you're 'winning', you're definitely losing. So, best to just stay out of that game and just not compare yourself at all. Because, comparison is in fact a sure way for you to abdicate SELF-responsibility. To lose sight of your 'self'.

'Comparison' creates this illusion that somehow we're not just creating and deciding EVERYTHING about ourselves and about how we exist in every singular moment. As though our existence is somehow decided and created by something else. And we're all just sort of existing by a 'luck of the draw'. In one big 'game' or 'competition', wherein we thus must compete against each other to 'make it to the end'. Whatever that 'end' may be.

And you basically believe that, "oh but, I didn't do this. I didn't choose any of this. I'm just a player in this big game, at the mercy of the 'rules' of the game which I certainly did not decide." When, I mean, you DID in fact decide all of it, you just haven't been honest with yourself about it. And at this point, there's just layers and layers of self-dishonesty. So, yes, now, it is going to have to be a 'process' for you walk through and 'peel off' all those layers so you can realize, "oh, lol, I DID create all of it."

And it's quite unfortunate actually. Because yes, there is an 'innocence'. In that, how we've come to create ourselves was very much sort of 'programmed' or 'impulsed' by the 'world' we grew up in. The reality we happened to have been born into. But at the same time there is a responsibility, and that is the point we have always missed. And so, here we are.

To be Self-Honest

So how about we just assume that I have 'failed'? Because, this 'fear of failing' point is really the one thing that makes me go into ego.  As I then go and compare myself to others and then within that comparison there is always going to be a 'winner' and a 'loser' and I am always going to want to be the 'winner' and fear of being the 'loser'. And I mean it's to basically just not go into comparison at all.

To just be honest with me. Comparison must not exist within me at all anymore. Because what comparison then also does is it makes me doubt myself. Because, oh well other people don't seem to be doing what I'm doing so what if I'm 'wrong'. Cause it brings in this dimension of fear of being 'wrong', fear of being 'laughed at' and 'mocked' because oh look at Kim what is she doing. She's clearly not where we are and she's still there while we are over here. And omg haha Kim is such a loser.

So it just makes me doubt myself in what I'm doing. In my self-honesty. Cause now basically I am afraid of being self-honest cause well what if my self-honesty is - in comparison with others - not good enough? What if my self-honesty is inferior to others' self-honesty? What if I go and be honest about whats actually going on within myself, what actually exists within me, and the things that I'm really looking at inside of myself - and it turns out that 'wow', you know, I'm actually so much more deceptive and dishonest than others. Or, that all this stuff, others already walked through a long time ago, and here I am still sort of wading through this shit. Like, really what am I doing? Am I really THIS slow? THIS incompetent?

But then, that's self-honesty isn't it? It ain't pretty, but it's what's here. And what does it matter how it 'compares'? If you're really self-honest, then you don't care about that. Then the whole world can see 'who you are', all of you, and you will just stand.