Who you Really Are

This is a continuation of "How Honorable are you?"

So I mean, the problems are immense and immeasurable. When you start lifting up that 'carpet', there is just all the shit that you've been hiding from yourself, been 'blissfully unaware' of. And it is VAST.

And I've found that when I am seeing it, the 'real shit', I end up sort of staring lifelessly at it, not really knowing what to do with myself, other than just forcing myself to really SEE that which I've been dishonest about all this time. And obviously feeling more and more ashamed and regretful of what I've allowed.

Because yes the reality is that I AM an abuser. I AM deceitful, dishonest, dishonorable, self-interested, self-involved and every evil thing imaginable. That's me! And so yes, the only 'honorable' thing I can do at this point is to just not look away, but to at least be honest with myself about who I 'really am'.

But, at the end of the day, this is no solution either lol. I can keep 'feeling bad' and 'crying' over spilled milk, and yes at least I'm not pretending anymore so that's 'something'. At least that means that I CAN be honest and 'real'. But it doesn't mean that I am 'changed'.

Actual change can only happen when you are face to face with the evil that is you, and you forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for living that evil, for believing that it is 'you', for having 'become' it. And for believing that it is truly who you are and 'all that you are', rather than realizing that it is a 'programming' of 'energy' which, yes, you've accepted, but isn't who you really are.

There is actually 'more' to you. You've just never allowed yourself to see it because you accepted yourself as this programming. As this shameful, unworthy, inferior version of 'you'.