Just Stop Trying Already

This is a continuation of my previous post "Yearning for Love"

So, it’s interesting. Looking into my eyes earlier in the mirror. The right eye I saw there was lots and lots of fear there. Like, my being just infused with fear actually. A relationship with fear that is very very integrated and infused into my very being. But then when looking into the left eye, I saw this ‘little devil’ in there. Like, something deliberate. I had to look again because it was so unexpected. I have seen it before but its sort of hard to wrap my head around it. It’s this ‘programming’, or whatever it is. ‘Something’ inside of me that’s DELIBERATELY causing me to be so… conflicted all the time internally. Like something that is revelling in undermining me in every imaginable way.

Something or someone whose mission it is to sabotage and undermine every little effort that I make. Anytime I ‘try’ to take any step forward or literally ‘try’ to do anything at all, it will make sure to undermine me and go against me and essentially make sure that I will end up in as many inner conflict as possible – feeling like things that should be easy are super super hard, or even impossible, for me.

And it’s interesting because it certainly isn’t anything that I ‘consciously’ see myself doing. That ‘deliberateness’ in terms of sabotaging and undermining me. But I mean it’s there, in my eyes, so obviously it’s ‘me’. And if I’d have to venture into ‘why’ it’s there and why it might be ‘deliberate’, then what it looks like to me is that it’s almost like a ‘gatekeeper’. Keeping me away from what is already ‘here’. From what I’d see and realize if there wasn’t this ‘something’ inside of me keeping me from it. If I for instance were to just ‘let go’ and stop ‘trying’ lol. Stop ‘walking process’. Stop trying to put one foot in front of the other and stop trying to ‘do’ anything at all. If I’d just ‘be’.

I’d realize that everything is already here. Existence is already here. I just need to BREATHE, and not move a muscle essentially. If anything, any ‘muscle’ that I move, will just trigger this ‘little devil’ lol. Who will make sure that I end up getting lost in all sorts of experiences and beliefs and perceptions that ‘oh I’ve got such a LOOOOONG process to walk. And that I must TRY TRY TRY to just get somewhere.’ And that ‘oh it’s such a struggle! Such a battle!’ Trying to get to what is actually already right here for me. If only I’d just stop ‘trying’ lol. Stop giving that little devil so many opportunities to step in and ‘lead me astray’.

But I mean obviously there is a ‘reason’ why I’ve got this little demon inside me. Cause as I said it’s a part of me so, even though it’s unconscious, I am CHOOSING to exist like this. So that must mean that on some level I KNOW what I will see or be if I did ‘let go’. If I stopped ‘trying’ and just ‘breathed’. And that I actually RESIST it, for some reason. Maybe I resist ‘responsibility’. Because I know that if I became aware of existence here in and as me, that I’d see and realize my responsibility within and as it all. I wouldn’t be able to play the victim card anymore. I wouldn’t be able to ‘fuck around’ anymore. I would be RESPONSIBLE, for EVERYTHING. There’d be no escaping it. It would be undeniable. The undeniable truth of me, staring me right in the face. The very one that I have obviously spent my existence avoiding, trying to just keep myself away from that very moment of seeing it.

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Yearning for LOVE

This is a continuation of my previous post "To Make Mistakes"

There’s been this interesting ‘point’ that’s come up in me lately and that seems entirely something ‘new’ to me. It’s a point of like a sense of ‘romance’ or ‘love’ and ‘relationship’, but not exactly in terms of feelings. More like a particular expression. Or like a ‘movement’ to want to explore and define and live these words. In fact I’m seeing that on a deeper level there is this ‘yearning’ for it. Cause it’s almost like everything in my life and life-experience has always been the opposite of these words. Even with being in a relationship, I’ve never allowed myself to access any form of ‘romance’ or ‘love’. In fact my relationships have always been quite conflicted lol. Where I would more just stir up conflict in some form than participate in any positive feelings or experiences.

So that’s why, with this ‘expression’ of ‘romance’ coming up in me, it’s sort of confused me. Where obviously a part of me is also going, ‘but, romance and love and all that, that’s just mind-stuff so this can’t really be genuine. It has to be a mind point in some way!’ And sure, it may be. But at the same time the ‘yearning’ is definitely showing me that I’ve certainly deprived myself of something quite significant throughout my life. And maybe right now my mind is interpreting that as ‘romance’ and ‘love’ and is defining it within preprogrammed definitions that I already have of what those words are.

Cause yes, I mean, I have never ‘loved’ myself. And that is probably what I am really yearning/looking for here. To ‘love’ myself. To be in a ‘romantic relationship’ with myself lol. I’ve always very easily bestowed and given all my ‘love’ to others. Really wanting to give EVERYTHING of myself to another, to the point that there was nothing left of/for me, as that to me was what it meant to truly ‘love’. And it’s created a sort of ‘emptiness’ within me. Being a completely ‘empty’ individual. Because I give everything away. So now I’m left deeply yearning for real love and romance, for ME.

To have that same ‘unconditional/total/complete giving of myself’, but for ME. Not for anyone ‘else’. To give up my life/self, for ME. And give everything, to ME. It’s completely opposite to what I’ve been living so far so it feels entirely alien to even consider it.  Cause I mean, I HAVE to ‘give’ to me, if I want to be able to let go of my desires and attachments with regards to relationships with ‘other people’.

Cause a point that’s also been coming up lately is a want to sort of change and transform my relationship with Paul into an ‘agreement’. In terms of essentially it being a ‘friendship’. Or like ‘friends with benefits’. Where, I’m now at a point where I am ‘done’ with this whole relationship programming within myself, and I am starting to see the solution of agreements of like just two individuals standing together as like just best friends. Where, there’s none of that emotional/feeling bullshit going on. There’s just the supportive qualities that you’d find in a friendship, like equality, sharing, communication, understanding – with sex as a bonus lol.

And for me, this is a big thing lol. No it’s HUGE. Considering the extent to which I’ve always had this obsession with ‘relationships’ in my mind, where I wouldn’t even see or consider it a possibility to be ‘just friends’. It simply did not exist within me, that a male and female in a ‘relationship’ could be ‘friends’, with sex just being a ‘benefit’, but nothing ‘special’. That you could even have such a ‘relationship’ where there is no emotional/feeling bullshit. No co-dependence. No manipulation. No deception. No anxieties or insecurities. No trying or having to be or express yourself in a particular way. No having to be ‘attractive’ for the other person. No worrying whether they ‘still like/want you’. No having to go into personality designs related to being the ‘male’ or ‘female’ in the relationship. No having to ‘fulfill’ some kind of ‘role’. No mutual blame or expectations. No resentments. No suppressed anger or reactions. But where each individual stands alone within self-responsibility, and both just ‘stand together’.

So it’s cool, that it’s opening up for me. Just need to now walk this, SLOWLY but SURELY, into creation. Learning to more create a relationship with ME rather than with another person. And be able to ‘let go’ of the other person, just like how you would within a friendship. Where you can just let the other person BE lol and there’s not that intense ‘attachment’. There’s just a realization and understanding that you don’t NEED each other, but you do enjoy each other’s company. And it doesn’t have to be more than that.

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To Make Mistakes

This is a continuation of my previous post "Safe Haven: A Self-Creation"

I had this very interesting dream last night about these two 'ghosts' who came into my house. Although they were actually flesh and blood, so I could see them and interact with them. And because they were 'physical', I felt less scared and just sort of invited them into my home because I wanted to see what they were about. It was a mother and a son, and I was in a bookstore. And they were playing this 'game', or were on some sort of 'mission' to solve these riddles using the books in my store. And I was indulging them in their requests and assisting them in what they were doing and wanted to just be supportive.

But there was this sense of 'urgency' that they should succeed in solving these riddles. Like, 'life or death' kind of urgency. Although, I mean, they were just riddles. There didn't seem much 'danger' to it. I don't even really remember if they ended up solving them all, but at a point they wanted to 'celebrate'. They got all 'wild', sort of forcing me to join in with them as they were really going overboard in this 'celebration'. Until suddenly the mother fell down and hit her head and was bleeding out. The son got really sad and felt guilty because they made the 'mistake' of celebrating too hard and now he felt it was 'his fault' that this happened.

Being the bystander, I realized in that moment that this is why they were 'ghosts' and why this whole thing happened. It was them being 'doomed' to relive their past 'real-life' mistake in the interdimensional existence over and over and over again. Always replaying the same exact event and scenario, with always the exact same outcome - as a form of 'punishment' for having made the mistake.

This dream quite specifically shed some perspective on a point that I have been working with. Or rather points that have opened up in my life recently where I'm having to sort of really 'trust myself' in my decisions. Doing and venturing into things that previously I even considered to be 'wrong' in some way because of newfound awareness and realizations. And what's come up is quite an extensive amount of fear of 'making a mistake'. Fear that if I do these things, I'll be making some horrible mistake and it'll all be quite 'bad'.

Cause the way that I've always handled 'mistakes' is in the same way that the ghosts in my dream handled theirs. To always keep replaying it over and over again in my mind as punishment for having made the mistake. So then obviously with this approach, 'making mistakes' becomes something quite daunting, since the 'consequence' is infinite imprisonment and infinite reliving of the same mistake. Like constantly continuously hitting myself over the head, yelling at myself 'Look at what you've done! Look at this mistake you've made!'

But in a way the dream also showed me the 'solution'. Within the 'ghosts' being 'physical'. Usually ghosts scare me because they are 'interdimensional'. You can't really see or touch them and so also not really 'work with' them in a way that you can with physical reality. So there's a sense of powerless there when it comes to 'ghosts'. A not knowing how to handle or deal with them.

But them being physical allowed me to sort of walk with them through the process of this 'mistake' that they were busy living out. I mean yes the mistake was still made and the consequences still quite unfortunate. But it could have all been prevented. If they had just been more stable within their minds. If they for instance had realized that they were just solving riddles and realized there's no 'urgency', it's no 'life or death' situation, and so hadn't placed all that 'pressure' and 'fear' and 'stress' on what they were doing. And if they then hadn't also gone into the opposite of going overboard with their 'celebration' as the positive energy.  Then the whole thing wouldn't have played out as it had.

Because 'mistakes' only happen as a consequence of not being AWARE of physical reality. And that usually only happens because you were in some dimension in your mind, caught up in energy and beliefs and experiences - rather than working with the physical reality. So you want to just make sure that you are not 'lost' in the mind, and have your feet on the ground. That your decisions are grounded in what is practical and measurable and within consideration of about as much as you are able to consider. And then STILL mistakes can be made, just because there were dimensions in and of the mind that you weren't yet aware of.

Mistakes are there to learn from. I mean, we can even learn from the mistakes that others before us have made. But somehow, instead of that being the case, it seems that we just keep repeating the same mistakes without ever really learning anything. Our parents have to watch us as we go through 'puberty' and through the rest of our lives, basically repeating the same mistakes that they did, or worse, even though they did try to warn us along the way. Because there is something in the way that we handle and deal with mistakes that's just not effective. It's like, we don't open our eyes to really learn from what is here. To be like, ok let me just walk through the timeline of this mistake to understand why things happened the way they did. And, let me walk through the timeline of my parents' lives to understand why they did what they did. And the timeline of the whole WORLD to understand why things happened the way they did. We don't tend to use mistakes in that kind of practical and self-supportive way.

So obviously since we don't use mistakes in the way they were intended to be used, but rather use them to just fuel into REACTIONS, we end up fearing them, instead of inviting and welcoming them. Because actually physical reality is a lot more FORGIVING than we are in our minds. Even within its CONSEQUENCES, physical reality does not judge or react when you make a 'mistake'. It unconditionally allows you to 'figure things out', and test out what works and what doesn't THROUGH mistakes and consequences. So really, we BETTER learn to welcome and invite consequences and mistakes, so we may learn faster

Safe Haven: A Self-Creation

This is a continuation of my previous post "To Be Self-Conscious"

Ok so we’re looking at this again lol. There’s so much ‘resistance’ around keeping the focus on this word I’ve found. But, not even the ‘obvious’ resistance. You know where you get all lethargic or when you just know that you’re busy distracting yourself and you just DON’T WANT TO do the thing you’ve set about doing.

This resistance is more ‘insidious’ I suppose. It’s like a gradual waning of the interest in working with it, and then before I know it, my interests are elsewhere and the word has been forgotten. And so have the realizations and understandings of its importance and the importance and relevance of working with it.

And the reasons for that are a couple different ones. There’s just the belief that ‘there are more important things to focus on’. And yes fair enough, I mean when you’re walking your process, there’s always going to be points that come up to look into. Points that grab your attention for a moment and seem quite ‘relevant’ and ‘important’ when and as they come up, because it’s just what’s ‘here’. And so you work with what is ‘here’.

But I guess mostly the ‘resistance’ stems from the fact that me CHOOSING and DECIDING to take on this word and explore and figure out for myself what it means to live and be and become this word, is truly a point of SELF-creation and SELF-direction. It is something I stand alone in. Something I can’t follow others in or trust others in. Like, this is purely me deciding to do this. And so there are a lot of doubts and insecurities that sort of activate in the mind because of that, which is what makes me eventually ‘lose interest’ in pursuing this. And why one moment I will realize and understand the absolute importance that I keep my focus on creating and living this word, and why the next I’ll have ‘forgotten’ all about it.

Because there’s lots and lots of fears in the mind with regards to ‘self-creation’. Or rather with regards to doing or deciding anything for myself. Being self-directive. The mind is more geared towards just being a ‘follower’, a slave, someone who doesn’t decide things for themselves but who follows and takes instructions and just ‘does what everybody else is doing’.

And specifically walking it consistently would be an act of self-creation. Actually keeping the focus on it, and saying YES this is what I am creating! Cause deep down there is quite a bit of self-doubt actually. Where, even though yes I do sort of see how and why It would be supportive for me to live this word, when it comes to ACTUALLY ‘creating’ through being consistent, there’s a doubt that comes up that maybe I can’t really trust myself. Maybe I can’t really entirely trust my own assessment of what’s ‘best’ and of what to create. So yeah, maybe I should just let it go a bit and focus on other things.

Sort of a point of thinking ‘who am I to create anything?’ ‘Who am I to decide anything?’ ‘I don’t know anything and I have never known anything so who the hell am I to think that I know what is best?’ Even though lol, obviously a ‘safe haven’ is best. I mean, why wouldn’t it be? Wouldn’t it be truly ‘best for all’ if earth, if existence, was a ‘safe haven’? Yet somehow this ‘doubt’ point is making me give up on something that I can clearly see for myself is BEST. Something I do see is worth creating. Yet so much in me is still sort of giving the ‘benefit of the doubt’ to the mind. The mind saying ‘oh no all this other stuff is more important’. And sure, yes it’s also important to work with the day-to-day kind of points that come up, of course. BUT equally if not much more important to keep the eye on self-creation. Cause I mean I can ‘work with’ or ‘work through’ points till kingdom come, but at the end of the day I’m the one who needs to actually create that kingdom lol. So I do need to live that DECISION of ‘THIS is what I am CREATING!’ consistently, until I have created it.