Do you CARE?

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "I'd like to go back now please"

A point that I've been looking at recently, is to 'place myself first'. From the perspective that, I've realized that although I have always put my focus on who and how I am in relation to my environment, I need to actually be focusing on who and how I am in relation to myself. I never realized that, while I can be the sweetest, most gentle, understanding, supportive and careful person in relation to everybody around me, I am actually the meanest, most spiteful, nasty and hateful person in relation to myself. In terms of the thoughts and the energies and reactions that I allow and do onto myself is just awful, and it's all of the things that I would never allow myself to do onto anyone else.

Because I always believed that, as long as I am good to others, it really doesn't matter how I treat myself inside. Kind of thinking 'it's just me anyways, what does it matter'. Thinking/believing that I don't matter, that I come last and that all of my nastiness and spitefulness and hatefulness I can just take out on myself, where it apparently 'doesn't matter'. So I've come to realize that my process of proving myself to be 'worthy of life', is not in relation to others, but in relation to myself. My challenge is in relation to myself, which is what I've extensively taken for granted and neglected and abused throughout my life. I'm fine in relation to others lol, it's in relation to myself that I need to prove that I can be a 'decent' person. That I can be all the things that I am always trying so hard to be to everyone else. 

And so, this ushered in my process of 'placing myself first', of making a commitment with myself, and learning to prove to myself that I stand as what's best for all of life, as ME. But with that, an interesting point has come up. The point of 'care'. As in the belief that, if I'm going to be placing all my focus and attention on 'me' and am going to 'place myself first', that I will be 'selfish' and that it means that 'I don't care about anyone else'. So that's been a point of conflict that's come up within me. Of 'oh no, I don't want to be selfish!' I wouldn't want people to think that I don't care!

So I've had to ask myself - or realize - 'what is care really?' And what does it really mean to care? Cause when I am 'placing myself first', I'm not just placing 'me' in separation of everyone else first. I am placing 'life as me' first. So that means that what I am placing first, is the life that is within me and equally as one within everybody else. The 'life' that is at the core of each and every one. The life that, when it comes to human beings, is layered within the mind. Where we as humans may for instance believe that we 'care' because we participate within particular feeling/thought/emotional/behavioral constructs, yet actually if we really had a look, when it comes to 'life on earth in oneness and equality' we don't actually care. We don't actually do anything. We don't actually discuss solutions. We don't actually take action to bring about a world that is best for all. To bring about world change. 

So it's interesting, that that belief or perception exists, that to participate within thought/feeling/emotional/behavioral constructs and to 'be just like everybody else' means that I care - because I am apparently placing all of my focus on everybody around me and so apparently 'not being selfish'. Yet reality is actually in reverse, because at the end of the day if I have a look at my actions, I am not actually actively bringing about a world that is best for all, and so I don't actually care. Because if I really cared about life on earth, about the life within the 'life-forms' around me, then I would be taking action in every moment to address the MASSIVE problems we are facing in this world. I would NOT be 'like everybody else'. Because, 'everybody else' - or rather 'nobody else' - is actually talking about those problems. Nobody else seems to be taking anything seriously in terms of what's happening in this world and reality. 

Nobody else, or should I say me lol, within how I've always used to define the word 'care' - to only exist in the context of separation. In the context of only my family and my loved ones and close ones and immediate environment. As though I'm not entirely part of existence. Part of this world and part of life as a whole. Where care is more a construct of thoughts/feelings/emotions/behavior. More a sort of façade and something I BELIEVE I'm doing, yet am not ACTUALLY doing.

So to 'focus on me' and 'place myself first' - is more actually to focus on 'all of life' within and as me. To not be 'distracted' with just my immediate 'personal' environment. But to always place 'all of life' within me, within and as the point of 'oneness' - wherein yes I stand 'alone', as in 'all-one'. And yes I am 'selfish' but in the context of 'my-self-as-life' so it's a good kind of selfishness. It is a selfishness that's based within real CARE. 

And yes it certainly seems to be the exact reverse of what I always believed 'care' to be - in terms of ONLY being distracted by the people in my immediate environment, as MY family, MY friends and MY self, and sort of ruling out the rest of the world. And so it's the opposite of what I've basically learned throughout my life to believe is 'right'. Yet at the same time it is common sense and there is no denying that. It is just absolutely weird that it seems so far removed from the sort of 'human way of existing'. It is 'weird', yet it is the only thing that makes sense. Weird indeed.

I'd like to go back now please

 

 

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Support"

 I've noticed an interesting point or 'program' come up lately. Alongside this process I've been walking of sort of sinking deeper and deeper into the nitty gritty of reality. The real deal, and really coming to grips with the severity of the issues in existence as myself.

There is this point, as almost this belief that 'oh I could just go back to being completely ignorant and suppressed and blissfully unaware of what's really going on if I wanted to'. Like a 'back-door' or a 'fail-safe' in the mind. As if I have a choice. I mean obviously I do always have a choice, whether to 'face the music' of and as reality, or whether to pretend to be blind and unaware. You do always have the choice to 'go back' and choose the mind and pretend that process isn't real, and all the things you've realized and seen and walked were 'just a dream' in a way. And that what's real is the mind, where things feel cozy and comfortable and there's not a cloud in the sky.

And in a way so far my process has been 'easy'. Walking the conscious mind, the subconscious mind has been 'easy'. But it's with walking the unconscious mind, or the quantum physical, or whatever it is that I've been walking more recently, that things have been more 'tough'. And that I've come to understand as well that this is not going to be a 'walk in the park'. And that there is a lot of pain and suffering within existence, a lot of deep separation and a lot of 'challenges' ahead.

So anyways I've just been noticing this very 'subtle' experience or sneaky little thought sitting there way in the back of my mind. Which also seems specific to my mind perhaps, in terms of how I've always lived in total disconnection. Never quite grasping the seriousness or 'realness' of my actions, and the fact that every action has a consequence. Many times within my process, the main reason why I kept 'falling' back into specific experiences and create timeloop after timeloop, was this sneaky little thought of 'oh whats the harm'. Not realizing or recognizing the seriousness of process. Not having my feet on the ground. And almost believing that at the end of the day, 'nothing really matters'. Not really believing in 'consequences'. Because in the mind, there is no such thing as 'consequences'. Energy as emotions and feelings operates on the very 'principle' that you can 'lose yourself' and there will be no consequences. That 'it's fine' to lose yourself in this feeling/emotion/energy. While, reality is like the opposite of that lol. EVERYTHING has consequences. And that can be a tough pill to swallow when you come from lala-land as all the numerous delusions in the mind and are used to believing you can get away with anything.

But I did realize that how this sneaky little bastard of a thought is specific to my mind, is that it is just based on FEAR. And that fear is also coming from the mind as some sort of self-protection mechanism. Where the mind will be like 'oh no! You don't want to become aware of reality! You don't want to walk that process! It will be horrible!' lol. And then it will come in with that sneaky thought of 'you can always go baaaack...' as the point of 'comfort'. The 'looking for comfort from my fear'. Instead of simply realizing the fear, realizing it's not real, and just continue walking.

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Support

 

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Emergency color Reading"

I’ve been finding myself in this point of feeling like ‘I’ve got nothing to write about’ as the apparent reason why I haven’t been writing blogs consistently lately. Thinking that oh well maybe I’m just ‘processing things’ and ‘that’s why’. But, knowing the mind lol, that’s probably not why. Because, knowing the mind, it’ll always come up with new ways, new excuses, justifications and ‘reasons’ to get me to not simply do the things that are supportive. The things that are best. Like writing and blogging consistently.

So with this point of ‘not knowing what to write’, trying to force it, as in looking for topics or trying to ‘get myself to’ write about something, usually doesn’t get me anywhere, other than back to the same point of ‘not being able to’ write about anything. Where I’ll for instance start writing about some point I’ve been struggling with or looking at, but then that soon starts to feel like it’s just not quite ‘the’ point. Like usually when I write a blog, or when I do personal writing as well, there will be ‘a point’ that sort of ‘opens up’. And it will be clear and the words just flow, because it’s what is ‘here’. It’s ‘the point’.

But in these moments of ‘writer’s block’, it seems that no matter which ‘point’ I try to address and open up and write about, it’s just not quite ‘the point’. I am not quite ‘on point’. So then, after a little while of accepting this ‘writer’s block’, and the reasons, excuses and justifications in the mind that come with it, I finally realized or thought to myself, ‘oh, maybe the point of not having anything to write about is the point to write about’. Maybe there is something there that needs to be opened up, in terms of why it is I’m feeling this way or what might be ‘getting in the way’ of me simply doing my writing. And lo and behold, the words are flowing again lol.

So, what is it that’s self-honestly been getting in the way of my writing lately? Maybe the point of not really wanting to be self-honest. As in, not really wanting to ‘face’ or ‘see’ myself. So what of myself is it that I am not wanting to face or see? Is there anything that I am feeling guilty or shameful about? Something I have been judging myself for?

Interestingly, what it looks like is that I feel like I have been ‘slacking’ in my support of the group. Have not been doing certain things I had committed myself to do as points of support for the group. Simple points, like showing up for chats or reading blogs. So there is a ‘shame’ there that I haven’t been living up to my commitments and that in a way I’ve gone into a point of ‘neglectfulness’. Not recognizing or realizing the relevance and importance of these seemingly ‘small’ actions. ‘Small’ actions of support that contribute to and support ‘the group’. Because I’ve more been focusing on ‘myself’. Placing more importance on MY achievements and MY successes and MY life. And within that obviously disregarding the importance of the group.

Kind of seeing my actions and myself as an ‘island’ rather than realizing that the relevance and importance of my actions exists within how it supports the group. There is no ‘me as island’. That is the illusion of consciousness. In the illusion of consciousness it’s all about personal glorification, while the world burns, basically. The belief that my actions are my own, and the ‘rewards’ of my actions are my own, and I owe nothing to the group. While it’s all the reverse, as we don’t recognize all the ways that the group has been and is supporting us within all our ‘endeavors’. That, without the group, we wouldn’t be here. We wouldn’t even exist.

So basically I’ve been accepting and allowing thoughts to seep into my mind of personal glorification. Looking for personal recognition for my actions, successes and achievements and evolving my ‘I as consciousness’ through thinking about myself. Through comparing myself, and competing with others. Looking for a sense of ‘victory’, of value and worth, through my accomplishments.

So it’s interesting that I’ve clearly come to define words like value and worth, in the context of ‘competition’ and ‘comparison’. Where in fact my whole starting point in relation to ‘the group’ is that I am already inferior from the get go, and that I must prove my value and worth through the accomplishments and achievements I can prove to the group. Because obviously I am not experiencing unconditional support from the group. Unconditional support as in, it doesn’t matter what your accomplishments or achievements or successes are, you are supported as a member of the group in oneness and equality with everyone else in the group.

And with that, we’ve come full circle as I will obviously only ‘receive’ what I ‘give’. So if I want unconditional support, then I will have to give it first. And what that means is to stop comparing, stop competing. To ‘be there for’ everyone equally and not measure one person against another. To basically not have that prerequisite of ‘prove your worth first!’, where ‘support’ becomes synonymous with the ‘support’ that we give our celebrities in this world, which is more a sort of mix between inferiority and admiration. Of yeah I ‘support’ you, as in I give you all my attention and money. But it’s not unconditional because as soon as that celebrity isn’t popular anymore or they grow old or whatever, they lose all that apparent ‘support’ they were getting. So that kind of ‘support’ is more based on energy and so isn’t real.

So what kind of support would I like for myself? What would be best for me? That’s what I must start giving to others. In the principle of giving as I’d like to receive. Support that is equal, trustworthy, consistent, constant and unconditional. Where I basically must start becoming a lot more ‘considerate’ and ‘aware’ of others. Becoming a lot more in tune with who other people are so as to assess the kind of ‘support’ that they need. Because ‘equal’ and ‘unconditional’ doesn’t mean ‘all the same thing’. It means within consideration of each being individually and what is best for that being.