This is a continuation of my previous post "Emergency color Reading"
I’ve been finding myself in this point of feeling like ‘I’ve got nothing to write about’ as the apparent reason why I haven’t been writing blogs consistently lately. Thinking that oh well maybe I’m just ‘processing things’ and ‘that’s why’. But, knowing the mind lol, that’s probably not why. Because, knowing the mind, it’ll always come up with new ways, new excuses, justifications and ‘reasons’ to get me to not simply do the things that are supportive. The things that are best. Like writing and blogging consistently.
So with this point of ‘not knowing what to write’, trying to force it, as in looking for topics or trying to ‘get myself to’ write about something, usually doesn’t get me anywhere, other than back to the same point of ‘not being able to’ write about anything. Where I’ll for instance start writing about some point I’ve been struggling with or looking at, but then that soon starts to feel like it’s just not quite ‘the’ point. Like usually when I write a blog, or when I do personal writing as well, there will be ‘a point’ that sort of ‘opens up’. And it will be clear and the words just flow, because it’s what is ‘here’. It’s ‘the point’.
But in these moments of ‘writer’s block’, it seems that no matter which ‘point’ I try to address and open up and write about, it’s just not quite ‘the point’. I am not quite ‘on point’. So then, after a little while of accepting this ‘writer’s block’, and the reasons, excuses and justifications in the mind that come with it, I finally realized or thought to myself, ‘oh, maybe the point of not having anything to write about is the point to write about’. Maybe there is something there that needs to be opened up, in terms of why it is I’m feeling this way or what might be ‘getting in the way’ of me simply doing my writing. And lo and behold, the words are flowing again lol.
So, what is it that’s self-honestly been getting in the way of my writing lately? Maybe the point of not really wanting to be self-honest. As in, not really wanting to ‘face’ or ‘see’ myself. So what of myself is it that I am not wanting to face or see? Is there anything that I am feeling guilty or shameful about? Something I have been judging myself for?
Interestingly, what it looks like is that I feel like I have been ‘slacking’ in my support of the group. Have not been doing certain things I had committed myself to do as points of support for the group. Simple points, like showing up for chats or reading blogs. So there is a ‘shame’ there that I haven’t been living up to my commitments and that in a way I’ve gone into a point of ‘neglectfulness’. Not recognizing or realizing the relevance and importance of these seemingly ‘small’ actions. ‘Small’ actions of support that contribute to and support ‘the group’. Because I’ve more been focusing on ‘myself’. Placing more importance on MY achievements and MY successes and MY life. And within that obviously disregarding the importance of the group.
Kind of seeing my actions and myself as an ‘island’ rather than realizing that the relevance and importance of my actions exists within how it supports the group. There is no ‘me as island’. That is the illusion of consciousness. In the illusion of consciousness it’s all about personal glorification, while the world burns, basically. The belief that my actions are my own, and the ‘rewards’ of my actions are my own, and I owe nothing to the group. While it’s all the reverse, as we don’t recognize all the ways that the group has been and is supporting us within all our ‘endeavors’. That, without the group, we wouldn’t be here. We wouldn’t even exist.
So basically I’ve been accepting and allowing thoughts to seep into my mind of personal glorification. Looking for personal recognition for my actions, successes and achievements and evolving my ‘I as consciousness’ through thinking about myself. Through comparing myself, and competing with others. Looking for a sense of ‘victory’, of value and worth, through my accomplishments.
So it’s interesting that I’ve clearly come to define words like value and worth, in the context of ‘competition’ and ‘comparison’. Where in fact my whole starting point in relation to ‘the group’ is that I am already inferior from the get go, and that I must prove my value and worth through the accomplishments and achievements I can prove to the group. Because obviously I am not experiencing unconditional support from the group. Unconditional support as in, it doesn’t matter what your accomplishments or achievements or successes are, you are supported as a member of the group in oneness and equality with everyone else in the group.
And with that, we’ve come full circle as I will obviously only ‘receive’ what I ‘give’. So if I want unconditional support, then I will have to give it first. And what that means is to stop comparing, stop competing. To ‘be there for’ everyone equally and not measure one person against another. To basically not have that prerequisite of ‘prove your worth first!’, where ‘support’ becomes synonymous with the ‘support’ that we give our celebrities in this world, which is more a sort of mix between inferiority and admiration. Of yeah I ‘support’ you, as in I give you all my attention and money. But it’s not unconditional because as soon as that celebrity isn’t popular anymore or they grow old or whatever, they lose all that apparent ‘support’ they were getting. So that kind of ‘support’ is more based on energy and so isn’t real.
So what kind of support would I like for myself? What would be best for me? That’s what I must start giving to others. In the principle of giving as I’d like to receive. Support that is equal, trustworthy, consistent, constant and unconditional. Where I basically must start becoming a lot more ‘considerate’ and ‘aware’ of others. Becoming a lot more in tune with who other people are so as to assess the kind of ‘support’ that they need. Because ‘equal’ and ‘unconditional’ doesn’t mean ‘all the same thing’. It means within consideration of each being individually and what is best for that being.
