The Self-Interest Demon

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Unwillingness to Give up on Something"

The self-interest demon is the 'who' and 'what' I really am. Like, underneath all the 'trying' to 'not be self-interested', I am in fact self-interest personified. And the self-interest demon, only cares about self-interest. Only cares about ENERGY. In fact, it IS pure energy. Always moving around. Sort of a 'catch me if you can'.

Something that sort of can't be 'contained' or 'told what to do'. Something that doesn't follow any 'rules' or structure in any way whatsoever. It JUST WANTS ENERGY. It doesn't care about what 'makes sense'. It doesn't care about your rules or beliefs or ideas or, god forbid, 'intentions'. It sort of 'can't be tamed'.

So, if you do want to 'tame it', you better be very smart about it. Cause it will SABOTAGE every attempt. You better fully understand what you're dealing with. And don't underestimate it. You better recognize, the full extent and existence of this thing.

And you might judge it, and try to deny it. Cause it's not a pretty sight. I mean it's a demon lol. An addiction. But the only way is by accepting it. Like accepting 'ok I guess this is me'. Sort of just being real with yourself about what's really going on. Which might not be what you might have believed about yourself.

Only from that point of acceptance can you start to sort of 'direct it'. Being 'fully aware' that the 'nature' of the self-interest demon is to exploit your every 'weakness'. Which is every little point wherein you're not standing one and equal with it. Points of judgment, suppression and self-delusion.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself about this self interest demon within me

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide this self interest demon within myself, underneath beliefs about 'who I am' as positively charged self-delusions  - like the belief that 'I care' and 'I do what's best' and 'I have good intentions' and 'I am a responsible adult'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest and real with myself about the fact that 'deep down' I am actually addicted to ENERGY and I care about nothing else than to satisfy my wants, needs and desires for ENERGY

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the point of 'self-interest' within and as me is completely without principles, without 'morals', without 'rules', or 'self-awareness' or 'self-restraint' and so cannot in fact be 'trusted' -- but must be 'accepted' and 'directed', without judgment or reactions to it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the self-interest demon within and as me shows me my self-delusions - as it WILL NOT LISTEN to anything, unless I stand one and equal with it and direct it as my equal

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept the self-interest demon and stand one and equal with it - and to not make illusions about 'who I am', but rather accept and realize that this self-interest demon is the 'real me' as who and what I have become, as addicted to energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make illusions about 'who I am', within denial and judgment and suppression of the self-interest demon as 'who I really am' - just because I don't want to truly see and face the actual 'reality' of me -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in fact, the self-interest demon FEEDS off of this self-dishonesty as it uses and exploits my 'weaknesses' to generate energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the self-delusions in the mind as these positively charged beliefs I have of myself, which actually just serve to hide the self-interest demon - instead of being real with myself and accepting the self-interest demon as one and equal with and as myself and directing it as my equal

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that anytime I go into any positively charged self-delusions, I am only feeding the self-interest demon  - and that I need to simply accept and stand one and equal with it and be real with myself about how I actually exist 'deep down'

When and as I see myself accessing positively charged self-delusions in the mind, as beliefs about myself and 'who I am', then I stop and I breathe, and I see, realize and understand that I'm just in denial of the reality of myself, which is that the 'who' and 'what' I have become and am existing as, is in fact a self-interest demon as an addiction to ENERGY

and I see, realize and understand that by going into these self-delusional self-beliefs, I am just feeding the self-interest demon as it feeds off of my 'weaknesses' as the points wherein I am simply not being honest and real with myself

and that I just need to accept and stand one and equal with this self-interest demon in and as me, so that I can practically, realistically direct it

I commit myself to be real with myself instead of creating illusions as beliefs in my mind about 'who I am' - and to accept the self-interest demon as the 'reality' of 'who' and 'what' I am and have become, and stand one and equal with it, and to direct it from the starting point of that oneness and equality -- actually grounding myself by being 'down-to-earth' and 'real' with myself about 'who' I actually am and what's actually required of me so I can direct me effectively in reality

Get on Top of your Shit

This is a continuation of my previous post "Excitement vs Enjoyment"

I am very much used to 'directing' myself and my life based on 'what I feel like'. I will usually just do things from moment to moment, based on what I in that moment 'feel like' doing. So very used to 'trusting' emotions and feelings when it comes to how I live and how I see myself and reality.

Needless to say, this has always made 'taking responsibility' quite a struggle for me. Because, I'd obviously never, or VERY RARELY, actually 'feel like' doing the dishes, or cleaning up around the house, doing my homework, or basically doing anything that's required to be done in physical reality to make sure that 'things are taken care of' and to actually create and direct my life and my reality in the context of what I ultimately want. Which is to for instance, have a successful career, own and live in a nice house, have a successful relationship and family, and in the greater picture, build a world that is best for all.

Essentially, I was trading in that 'bigger picture', as what I actually REALLY want, for what was pretty much the 'illusion of want'. These momentary 'experiences' as feelings and emotions. Cause, I'd just NEVER 'feel like' doing basically anything that might in any way really contribute to creating that 'bigger picture'. Like literally, what I 'felt like doing' was most of the time just 'wasting time'. Things to 'distract' and 'entertain' myself for a moment. In a way I was very 'short-sighted'. Kind of only seeing what was right in front of me as 'immediate' and 'instant' gratification, rather than 'keeping my eye on the prize'.

Cause to actually CREATE that 'bigger picture' and truly MANIFEST what you ultimately want, you need to essentially ignore any 'feeling' experiences that come up in the moments. You need to be less 'energy-based', and more 'structural'. You need to give yourself 'instructions' and move yourself based on those instructions.

And it's quite the paradigm shift actually. Because I was following whatever my feelings were telling me I should do, based on a 'trust' that 'somehow' my feelings know something I don't. A trust that feelings are like some 'cosmic connection'. Like a link to the universe that's guiding me to my ultimate goal. And I sort of believed that as long as I just follow my feelings, I'll eventually get to wherever I want to be at. But I'm starting to figure out that it doesn't actually work that way lol.

And that, if anything, feelings are more like just 'coping mechanisms'. It's like I am still a little kid who just kind of feels confused and overwhelmed by reality, and my feelings are just how I 'pacify' myself. Things I do to make myself feel just a little better. There is no 'cosmic connection' or 'greater meaning' to feelings.

'I' need to be that cosmic connection and 'greater meaning'. 'I' need to be that which guides and instructs 'me'. Giving myself the 'structure' that I need and according to which I can move myself, so I can eventually create and manifest what I want to. I must abdicate all feelings so I can have an 'oversight' of what actually needs to be done. So I can be 'on top of my shit'.

The True Test is the Positive

This is a continuation of my previous post "Why don't you just Change?"

The same goes for the 'internal change'. As long as you're still digging around for 'why' you're like this or that or 'why' you're not yet like this or that, you're essentially looking for excuses to not simply change.

Because, change is something you DON'T WANT lol So, yeah, you're GOING to try and find excuses to not go there. Your mind's going to bring out the big guns. Cause, what does change REALLY mean?

Change means that you have to give up on, not just the things that 'don't feel nice', but actually mostly the things that do. And the only reason why the 'unpleasant' things exist is because there are the 'pleasant' things that you just don't want to give up. If you really wanted to change, you'd be changed already.

The real problems is the desires. And not even the obvious ones. I'm talking about the desires that have become 'part of you'. That's created just a constant 'feeling' experience which you believe is just 'you'. The desires which you don't even recognize as desires. I'm talking about the just 'general' experience of yourself in any given moment.

I mean it's scary stuff, actually. In a way it's 'easy' to give up on and change the negative stuff. It's the positive that you gotta watch out for. That's the 'real' stuff. The stuff you don't actually want to let go of. The stuff that's really going to test you.

ARE you going to actually let go of the things you don't WANT to let go of? Cause I mean, we're talking about addictions you've spent your whole life developing here. Addiction to energy. To feeling energy, however subtle. And, it's subtle!

It takes some radical self-honesty to face the positive in a way where you truly transcend it. Not only that but, your 'reflex' of going into these positive experiences is so 'natural' and 'automatic', that you have to constantly and continuously stop yourself and 'slap yourself in the face' so to speak. Splash some cold water in your face so you 'stay sober' and remain 'here'.

This is the REAL process. Where you have to walk through the eye of the needle. And prove to yourself, life and existence that you can truly give up on the mind.