The Unwillingness to Give up on Something

This is a continuation of my previous post "I am a Pushover"

So when it comes to 'self-honesty', it's an interesting thing. Because, you'll only be 'self-honest' within the bounds of what you're 'willing' to be 'self-honest' about. There are things that you just won't want to 'touch'. Things that are so fueled by 'fear', that you're so afraid of 'losing', that you simply won't 'go there'. And things that are therefore 'veiled' from your own awareness.

Those are the things that make us 'evil'. Our points of 'possession'. Where we 'don't want to let go' of something. And there's a side of us that turns 'demonic' in a sense, as it tries to 'hide' and 'cling to' and 'safeguard' and 'defend', even from ourselves. Because no one, even ourselves, must ever 'touch' this point. Because that is how unwilling we are to 'give it up'.

We just can't even 'fathom' life without that point. It'll be our 'anchoring' point in this world. Like 'the one positive' that we have, and will cling to and defined tooth and nail. So it very much originates from like our 'deepest fear'. A fear we've come to accept and which we 'won't question'. Cause that point of fear is almost what the entirety of 'you' and 'your world' pivots around.

And then there's something that comes into your life and sort of gives you 'exactly what you were looking for'.  Your 'light in the darkness'. Your 'anchor'. Something that makes you feel less lost, makes you feel like you 'belong' and gives you a 'safe haven'. Something you accept as 'good' and therefore will never question the fear that's actually always been behind it.

And it's the things that are 'good' that we don't tend to question. The positive feelings. Cause, reality isn't 'good'. In fact, before this 'good' thing came into our lives, things were mostly 'bad'. And who wants to go back to that? So it takes a RADICAL level of self-honesty to start lifting that 'veil' and to start 'touching' that which would force us to face our deepest fear. To essentially let go of the 'one positive' and sort of plunge into that 'uncertainty' that's been hiding underneath.

To be Self-Honest

So how about we just assume that I have 'failed'? Because, this 'fear of failing' point is really the one thing that makes me go into ego.  As I then go and compare myself to others and then within that comparison there is always going to be a 'winner' and a 'loser' and I am always going to want to be the 'winner' and fear of being the 'loser'. And I mean it's to basically just not go into comparison at all.

To just be honest with me. Comparison must not exist within me at all anymore. Because what comparison then also does is it makes me doubt myself. Because, oh well other people don't seem to be doing what I'm doing so what if I'm 'wrong'. Cause it brings in this dimension of fear of being 'wrong', fear of being 'laughed at' and 'mocked' because oh look at Kim what is she doing. She's clearly not where we are and she's still there while we are over here. And omg haha Kim is such a loser.

So it just makes me doubt myself in what I'm doing. In my self-honesty. Cause now basically I am afraid of being self-honest cause well what if my self-honesty is - in comparison with others - not good enough? What if my self-honesty is inferior to others' self-honesty? What if I go and be honest about whats actually going on within myself, what actually exists within me, and the things that I'm really looking at inside of myself - and it turns out that 'wow', you know, I'm actually so much more deceptive and dishonest than others. Or, that all this stuff, others already walked through a long time ago, and here I am still sort of wading through this shit. Like, really what am I doing? Am I really THIS slow? THIS incompetent?

But then, that's self-honesty isn't it? It ain't pretty, but it's what's here. And what does it matter how it 'compares'? If you're really self-honest, then you don't care about that. Then the whole world can see 'who you are', all of you, and you will just stand.