Living in the System

Having listened to these two interviews, what stood out for me from it is essentially my relationship with 'the system'. How I'm essentially disconnecting myself from the world-system of 'survival'.

I mean, I spent over two years on the Desteni Farm, where I then met Paul, and pretty much right after leaving the Farm moved all the way to Canada to start my life with him. And I never actually considered or realized what a HUGE step that actually was for me. To go from one extreme to the other. From the farm, where I essentially enjoyed a life of unconditional support and relaxation and 'calm', to Canada, where everything, including my 'married life', was entirely new to me and I'd have to integrate into the system almost from the ground up.

I didn't realize back then what a massive amount of stress and pressure I actually started experiencing, especially when I started my first job there. So looking back, it's no surprise that shortly after I stepped into my first job in the system, I started having issues with my intestines.

And the thing is that, yes there was a lot of stress with being in that new environment. In a different system from what I was used to, having to speak a different language, being surrounded mostly by people I didn't know. But it was also the relationship that I had already come to create and establish with regards to 'the system' and 'living and working in the system', already way before that. Where even growing up and looking at my parents and grandparents I saw the way they lived and existed in so much stress and fear, where they'd become essentially 'systematized' in their very expressions because of it. And I decided within myself that I don't want that for myself. I don't want my 'spirit' to be 'crushed' and molded and shaped and transformed into a system like that. I want to remain a 'free spirit'.

I decided basically to reject 'the system', and to reject my parents' and grandparents' way of living. So I created as little 'ties' to the system as I could. Evading as much responsibility as possible. I 'vowed' that I wouldn't get married, I wouldn't get a degree and do the whole 'professional life' thing, I wouldn't have kids. I wouldn't do any of the things my parents did, so that I could remain 'free from getting sucked into the system'.

I mean, it's how I then ended up with Desteni lol, so I guess it wasn't all bad. But basically within making those decisions, I created a disconnect from the system AS me. Defining myself as entirely separate from 'the system', instead of realizing that it was never actually 'the system' that was the issue. The issue that I was reacting to with regards to my parents was their stress and fear which they allowed to define and direct and consume them. The fact that they didn't sort of have a 'freedom' about them, and their self-expressions. That so much of them was entirely encapsulated and enclosed by FEAR.

So I created a 'problem' out of the wrong thing, and therein ended up separating myself from myself as essentially my potential to be an effective and efficient living being in this world. By not realizing or considering that 'the system' cannot 'make me' go into fear and stress. And 'the system' is not responsible for that fear and stress. The fear and stress is my own choice in terms of what I accept and allow within and as me. 'The system' is just that; a system. It's a sort of structure or place-holder for 'life on earth'. A collection of 'agreements' that might allow for us all to 'live together'. Not saying that right now we've got a functioning structure lol, but it's got potential.

So, now having this already 'broken' relationship, of 'rejection' and judgment, with 'the system', just created added stress within me as I started living in the system - being in a married relationship, and performing in a job. Now I'm not just working with whatever fears and stress I may have unconsciously copied from my parents in relation to the system, but I'm also dealing with my own stressful and emotionally charged relationship with words like 'wife', 'being a worker', 'survival', 'having a job', 'having a career', 'professionalism', 'earning money', 'paying bills', 'getting by', 'being part of society', 'doing my duties'.

So I've got some 'balancing out' and 'clearing out' and 'aligning' to do in relation to the system and specifically my accepted and allowed relationship with these words, so that my relationship with it is not one of fear but one of oneness and equality - recognizing the system as an extension of myself  and standing in and as my potential to be an effective and efficient living being in and as this world(-system).