I've been here before...

This is a continuation of the previous post "Forcing yourself to Face what's Here"

Ever since starting this process, or 'decision', to face the things that I tend to avoid I have realized that if you want to really 'live' in awareness of the things that you've faced, it takes a lot of effort lol

I found that when you push yourself to really 'see' who you are and you go through the process of letting go and 'starting over', it kind of feels like a rebirth. Like you start afresh, with a new perspective, a new drive and a new awareness.

But, similar to when you were 'newly born' as a baby, there's also a tendency to sort of 'let things happen'. Like this point of, "OK I got here, now it's just coasting from here on out". It's a point of 'forgetfulness' in a way. Forgetting that actually, you've been here before. At this exact same point of being 'reborn', but then you just kind of 'allowed things to happen' and here you are again - having gone through another cycle of being programmed and conditioned into becoming something and someone that isn't who you really are.

Just because you got real and faced some things and are now 'here' doesn't mean shit. The real proof is going to be in whether or not you are going to stay 'here'. Will you make absolutely sure that the same shit doesn't just happen again, or will you go into forgetfulness?

The mind is extremely clever and cunning in its design. If you don't push yourself in every moment to 'stay real' and be honest with yourself, it is so easy to get lost again. Because, a part of you - a big part of you - WANTS to go into the mind. It WANTS to forget and be blissfully unaware. The mind just provides the platform for it. At the end of the day it's you who chooses to use that platform.

Forcing yourself to Face what's Here

This post is a continuation of "What I must do as a Human Being on Earth"

These past few posts have been a bit 'hard to swallow' information. Some 'harsh truths' that I myself had been neglecting. And when you realize that you had been living in 'blissful ignorance', those 'harsh truths' feel like a bottomless pit that you have to 'dig out' to really face all the things you had been avoiding.

But with each point I found that, when I first realized it was something I had been avoiding, it seemed like I was staring down a massive black hole that would swallow me up if I dared plunge into it. Then as I forced myself to really face exactly what I had been avoiding to face for so long, it was painful. There was the kind of deep shame and regret that came up which seemed like it would be endless.

But I also found that, I'm still here. It didn't actually 'swallow me whole'. And I'm sure there will be lots more to face and plenty of painful things to realize and go through. At the end of the day all I have is the realization that, "Hey, I'm still here!"

There is a strength in that. To know that you can face reality. That you have the integrity to not look away. That you can stand through the storm no matter how heavy it is. I figure if there is one thing that I can make my 'legacy', if anything at all, then it would at least be this. It would be that I was at least honest enough to face all the shit that's here. That I at least faced and owned up to all the lies that I've been telling myself and that I was at least humble enough to do that small thing.

It may not be a glamorous or pleasant point to walk, but at least it will be real and at least I will have done something real. And if there is anything I can respect myself for, it will be that.

What I must do as a Human Being on Earth

This is a continuation of the previous post "The Hell we make Ourselves"

Imagine the entire future of earth being solely in YOUR hands. Imagine the absolute specificity that would be required from you. In my post "To be Passionate" I looked at how that absolute specificity actually already exists in how the body functions. In order for it to function properly and live and thrive, the heart must be constantly pumping. The cells must be constantly moving. Every little process must be in every moment 'on point' and 'giving its all', not missing a beat. I mean, THAT is specificity. Everything must be 'in tune with' and 'tuned into' it's purpose, and function solely according to that purpose - to support the body's overall health.

I know that I myself am definitely not living that specificity yet. Cause there are just so many moments wherein I am not present. Moments wherein I 'drift off' into imagination or some thought-pattern or feeling or emotion. Where I 'lose touch' and 'lose track' of what's here and of my 'purpose', to take care of this world and support it's overall health. Just like the cells in the body have that purpose, such is also my purpose as a human being on planet earth. To truly be aware in every moment of what my 'role' is in the whole of this existence and what I must do to ensure the optimal functioning and thriving of existence.

It is actually shocking to think that I have never even considered or realized myself as being like a 'cell' within the body. Because, that is literally what I am - a cell in/on the body of earth. My actions, participation and interactions have an impact on the world that I live in, in the exact same way that the actions of the cells in the body impact the body. So why would I expect all the cells in the body to 'do their job' to keep me healthy and alive, while not having that same expectation of myself? Why should I not be equal to a cell in the body and what is expected of that cell?

The Hell we make Ourselves

This is a continuation of the previous post "Giving your all within going for what you want"

When you get arrogant, there are consequences. You may not be aware that your actions are having consequences, until it is 'too late'. The thing about arrogance is the inability to see consequences. You think you've 'got something', and that that 'something' is a 'sure thing'. You stop questioning yourself. And when you stop questioning yourself you become blind to what's happening around you.

You stop seeing that things are always in movement. Everything is always moving even if it doesn't seem like it. Arrogance makes you not move 'with' things. It makes you stagnate. It makes you stop breathing and stop living. It makes you also assume that, just like you came to a halt, so did the world around you. And so you don't see that in fact, life is always 'on the move'. Just cause you gave up, doesn't mean that the world stopped turning.

You sink into a 'lazy couch' inside of yourself, from where you don't see any 'urgency' to move 'with' your reality, to pay attention to your reality. Unfortunately, when consequences play out, it becomes an 'emergency'. But then there is no action that can reverse or undo those consequences. Then there is just the bottomless pit of regret for not having been more humble.

Arrogance is like shooting yourself in the leg. But by the time you realize you've shot yourself in the leg there's nothing you can do anymore. You now need to make peace with the consequences and not to mention the anger at yourself for having done it to yourself. There is nothing worse than realizing that what is happening is completely your own doing and that there is nothing you can do about it now because you should have just not been so arrogant.

The only way to 'beat' arrogance, is to just keep breathing. Breath is the pace in which life moves, which is 'in every moment', always present, always aware. Never coming to a halt. It is a constant flow and if you don't move 'with' that flow, in humbleness, you might end up in your own self-created hell.

To stay humble in every moment is a constant reminder to yourself. To constantly remind yourself that "life is moving" and, "My reality is moving, so I must be here, present and breathing."  To be moving with and as the flow of life or you'll get swept away the moment you sink into a seemingly 'sure thing' and stagnate.

Giving your all within going for what you want

This is a continuation of the previous post "To be Passionate"

One 'trap' of the ego that I fell into which I did not realize - because I did not question it - is arrogance. Thinking that I've got something. Thinking that life will come to me instead of understanding that I must go to it, because I'm 'special'.

I don't really have to put in the work. I don't have to really challenge or push myself. In a way 'I'm already there'. I'm just that special. Meanwhile thinking and believing that I'm humble.

Of course I would think that I am humble, because I am not in fact humble in reality. If I was humble in fact, there is no way that I would EVER think that I am. I would just be it. Cause I would realize that it takes HARD WORK to be anything real. It takes hard work and never assuming that you've 'reached' anything. It has to be here. Meaning it has to be evident. Not just a thought, belief or assumption. It has to be living proof.

I believed that I just deserve good things. I don't need to really work for it and prove myself worthy. I just deserve it, because I am special. That's arrogance.

To be humble is to realize and understand that I 'deserve' nothing. To not 'assume' anything. If I want something, I need to work for it. I must be PASSIONATE about it. As in state, "Yes, this is what I want! And I will do anything to make it a reality!"

Guess I'll need to revisit my definition of 'passion' which I shared in my post "To be Passionate" lol. To be passionate is to go for what you want BUT to not be 'patient'. To not expect or assume that things will come to you. To rather 'take matters into your own hands' and 'give it your all' to make it happen.

There is humbleness in that. You have to humble yourself to say "I don't have this yet" or "I don't deserve this yet" BUT I will do anything to make this happen because it's what I WANT.

To be passionate

 This is a continuation of the previous post "Building Heaven on Earth"

With realizing and understanding that for the longest time I have been existing in 'laziness', I had a look at the word 'passion'. I asked myself, "What does it actually mean to live passion?" It was clear that I have never lived this word so I really had no reference within myself to know what it means to be passionate.

To be passionate sounds a lot like patient actually. That must be how the word is programmed in human consciousness. Where, passion is about something separate from you. Some idea or want or desire in your mind that you want to then manifest in physical reality. And, to manifest something and bring something to fruition, you must be patient. You must wait for all your efforts to finally bear fruit so that you can have and experience what you were 'passionate about'.

But real passion is to be fully 'here' as self. It's to 'put your all' into something. Into anything and everything. To, in every breath you take and every step you take, do it with a 'lust for life'. With a realization that 'I am here'. "I am here in this moment of breath and I will be fully present, fully aware and give and put my all in this one moment." To truly experience this moment and me in this moment in the entirety of how it exists. To truly LIVE in this moment. To know that I only exist in this moment so nothing else matters. So I dedicate and commit my absolute all to just this moment that is here. If I could take everything of myself and bring it here into this moment. There's no past, no future, and the moment is a present I put all of myself into and give to myself.

Passion is to be in and as the physical body, because the body is here. The body doesn't exist in past or future. It doesn't exist in memories. It doesn't 'reminisce'. It doesn't have moments of drifting away or not being aware or not being fully 'here'. It is always in every moment of breath, completely and solely 'here', with full awareness and with all of itself. It doesn't think about and isn't concerned with what it's going to be doing from one moment to the next cause its only concern is to just exist 'here'.

I mean imagine if the body would forget about itself and its functioning in the moment to go and preoccupy itself with what it's going to be doing sometime in the future or what it's done in the past. All its systems would shut down. It would stop breathing and die. Because it needs that moment-to-moment awareness, that absolute presence in and as only the moment, in order to live and be and function. To maintain itself and keep all its cells in their course. To keep the heart and the blood pumping and take care of every single little process that's happening and going on in itself, making sure to not leave anything out.

The body is the living example of real passion. A real involvement in what is going on in the moment. A real care for every little thing that exists in the moment. And a real commitment to do what needs to be done.

Building Heaven on Earth

This is a continuation of the previous post "To be Present"

Especially in relation to the group I was not seeing and realizing how I'm really living. And by 'the group', I mean 'life on earth'. I was totally oblivious that I had been separating myself and had moved further and further away from the group. And that I had come to live and exist in 'the illusion of self'.

The 'illusion of self' is where you start paying more attention to your 'self' than to 'the group', or rather where your 'self' exists as something separate from 'the group'. Where you don't realize that really, the group is all that exists. There is actually no 'self'. Or that, self IS the group and the group IS self. There's no distinction and no separation.

Only when self is the group and the group is self will you place the group before yourself and will you place another before yourself. As long as 'self' exists as a separate entity we can never manifest a heaven on earth because we're unable and unwilling to set aside our personal wants, needs and desires to do what needs to be done.

The 'self' will always 'want, need and desire' and will always place those 'wants, needs and desires' before anything else. The only reason our systems are so fucked up in this world is because it all exists and revolves around protecting and safeguarding the 'self'. It's not about the group, it's about 'self'. But, the problem is that no one can really agree on anything because all of our 'selves' are so different, depending on your religion, language, upbringing, social standing and background. There is so much separation in this world and so many people fighting for their separation that all we're left with is inequality and conflict.

The only solution is to recognize 'the group' AS 'self'. Instead of asking ourselves, "what can or must the group do for ME?", we need to ask ourselves "What can I do for the group?" And within that we need to realize and understand that what we do for the group as life, we do for ourselves because we are part of that group. When we take care of the group, we are taking care of ourselves as part of that group. When we build a heaven on earth for all of life on earth, we are building one for ourselves.

 Changing inequality and conflict starts with placing the group before self. With having a genuine care for the group and for all beings in the group. We also need to realize that when we try to protect and safeguard our wants needs and desires from others and separate ourselves therein from the group, we are not actually safeguarding anything. If we don't safeguard life then what are we left with? What will be left of our wants, needs and desires when there is no more life on earth?

To be Present

This is a continuation of the previous post "To be Truly Self-Honest"

So what matters and what is real is 'space and time' as the physical reality. And I have come to realize that I have been telling myself lots of lies about 'who I am', like thinking and believing that I am humble and self-honest, and have therein lost sight of who I actually am in reality.

Where, when it came to the actual reality of myself, I realized that I am in fact the opposite and the reverse of how I've been defining myself. That in fact, every thought I had about 'who I am' in my mind, was to just hide and veil a reality of myself that I didn't want to face or see.

I didn't want to see or realize for instance that when it comes to reality, I suppress myself extensively. I go into so many coping- and escape-mechanisms that I end up not really 'living'. Not really expressing myself in my world and reality. Not actually 'doing' much. Not pushing my boudaries, putting myself out there, taking risks and stepping outside of my comfort zone.

Having definitions in my mind about 'who I am' very much provides me with a comfort zone wherein I can think and believe that 'I am alive', while not actually truly living. If it wasn't for the thoughts in my head I would have had to face the 'real shit' of myself, which is that I have chosen to be 'comfortably numb'. I have chosen to be limited, unaware, secluded and apathetic.

So in other words, as long as you have any thoughts in your head about yourself, you are not being truly self-honest. You can be sure to know that you are busy fooling yourself and you should look into how you're actually living the reverse of what you think of yourself. Such is the game that the ego of the mind plays.

In the ego of the mind, things are more 'positive'. Things are 'fine' and 'good' and 'Okay'. In reality, shit is constantly hitting the fan. In reality, things are not 'fine'. Things are not 'good as they are'. And they sure as hell aren't 'positive'. And in fact, the more 'positive' you perceive yourself, the more you actually know deep down that the reality of yourself is something so horrible you just don't ever want to face it.

The positive has a numbing effect. It makes you in a way sink back into a lazy couch inside of yourself. It gives the perception that 'everything's fine', 'don't worry', 'you're doing great the way you are'. Whereas in reality, there is actually a constant sense of urgency. A sense and realization that in fact it's 'not okay' and it's 'not fine' to just 'sit back, relax and smell the flowers'. That in fact you need to get moving and be aware and alert and present in every moment of breath. You cannot miss a beat!

You have to constantly push and challenge yourself and motivate yourself to step outside of your comfort zone and stay present and aware. If you don't have that sense of urgency in walking your process, then you're existing in a comfort zone. Then you're giving your power away to positivity in the mind and are choosing to be 'comfortably numb'.

To be truly Self-Honest

This is a continuation from the previous post "How is Blame a Laziness of Self?"

I mean imagine, taking responsibility for E-VER-Y-THING. Meaning, NOTHING is 'someone else's fault or responsibility'. It's all on YOU. Even when someone else is reacting, it's on YOU. If someone else is reacting in some way, it's cause YOU dropped the ball somewhere.

It's the kind of responsibility you don't really want to accept. Cause it means facing and owning up to ALL the moments that you dropped the ball. All the moments you weren't aware, didn't take responsibility and weren't self-honest. Not only that, but mostly also facing the consequences from not having been aware. Because, time and space waits for no one.

It's easy to excuse and justify why you didn't take responsibility for something with, "But, I wasn't aware." But at the end of the day not being aware isn't really an excuse because, well, you should have made sure you were aware. You should have pushed and challenged and motivated yourself to become aware of yourself and your reality so that certain consequences wouldn't play out.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I've always had a tendency to be lazy. Not only that, I've also had a tendency to manipulate myself very cleverly to justify that laziness. To end up feeling and believing that what was actually just plain laziness and resistance to put effort into things and push myself, was because I was victimized or because someone else was to blame or because somehow I just wasn't really responsible.

This laziness was able to exist within and as me simply because I was not aware of it. But all the same it made me miss opportunities and waste time and by the time that I did become aware of it, it was almost 'too late'. I could have gone on wasting my entire life and at the end when I would have realized that I squandered every opportunity I ever had, not an excuse or justification in the world would have mattered. What would have mattered is that I simply did not use the time and space that was available to me, and the regret and shame I would have faced would have been insurmountable.

That tendency for self-manipulation and laziness as a form of 'giving up of myself' isn't 'who I really am'. It's something I developed as a 'coping mechanism' to things that I faced when I was younger. Yet even that is not an 'excuse' or 'justification' for it cause at the end of the day what matters is the physical reality wherein I am accountable for my actions or lack thereof.

How is Blame a Laziness of Self?

This is a continuation from the previous blog post "What does it really mean to care for others?"

A place where I can already see that I can start applying that self-honesty and humbleness is in relation to my thoughts and reactions to other people. I've noticed that when it comes to other people I have actually been thinking and believing myself to be 'self-honest' and 'humble' yet when I had a real honest look at my actual thoughts then I had to realize that I'm actually not at all!

There's a lot of thoughts and reactions I 'let slide'. Mostly it's reactions and thoughts of judgment where I'm judging someone for not being more like who I believe I am or should be. That means that what I judge about people is when I perceive they're not being humble. There's a reaction of annoyance or even hate that comes up in me, it's a pretty intense reaction.

So, why is there such an intense reaction to this particular point? Really it's cause I see them do what I am actually secretly doing in my own mind. I am not humble at all within my mind. I do the equivalent of boasting and attention-seeking in my mind. I react so intensely to others doing it because it's just something that I am not honest about with myself. So, my reaction is there to show me what I am not being self-honest about. I mean, as I realized in the previous post, I don't know how to really be humble because I've just never done it.

So one way I can practically start applying and living humbleness in these situations is to, whenever I find myself reacting to how I see someone else behaving, immediately look at what my reaction is showing me about what I'm not being honest about with myself. To immediately realize that this reaction is about me, not the other person. It's for me to learn from about myself.

Humbleness is thus like the reverse of blame. Where, in blame you point fingers outward, like arrows shooting out, but with humbleness all the fingers or arrows point towards self. There's very much a self-responsibility. There's also a lot more effort involved with being humble, because now I actually have to take ownership of what I used to just blame or project on others.

Blame is very much like laziness. It's laziness of self. Maybe that's why it's called 'B-lame'. It's easy to blame another person. It takes a lot more effort to actually look into "OK why am I reacting this way, what can I learn from this reaction and how can I do things differently?"

I've definitely been very lazy throughout my life. Never really put much effort into my life and was rather chasing quick energy fixes instead of working and building on something that will pay off in the long run. I'm realizing that that laziness also exists on an internal level in terms of just not being humble. But it's funny that I would then go and think of myself as 'humble' when it's actually the complete reverse.

What does it mean to truly care for others?

This is a continuation of the previous post "Making Beingness Potential Real".

The decision and resolve to 'get to know other beings' through using colors came from a place of seeing and realizing that I have a tendency to exist in ego, as in be very self-involved, self-conscious and self-centered in how I think. Where, I'm just often thinking about myself and 'who I am', spending a lot of time creating illusions essentially in the mind wherein I am basically separating myself from my actual reality - from other people.

I realized that with starting to do color sessions with people I was finally getting to know the people in my reality on a real level. I finally felt like I could 'relate', just with seeing a bit deeper than the surface. Oftentimes when I'd test out colors for someone and I'd have a session with them, all the ego bullshit fell away as I could see that on the inside they were "just like me". It's easy to compare and compete and create illusions about who I am and who others are when all you see is just the outside picture presentation - which never represents who someone really is inside.

I mean my entire life I've pretty much existed on that 'ego' level. Never really interacting much with people. Rather choosing to separate myself somehow from the larger group and so spending a lot of time 'on my own'. It's really only now that I am starting to lift that veil and am starting to comprehend that reality is so much more than that and that I have actually been missing out on so much. Turns out there is so much more than 'me' lol

In a way it's surprising and weird that that green beingness color that I had a look at in the previous post tested out for me, considering that it's the complete opposite of this ego-programming that I've been living in my life. With that color's signature expression it's the complete reverse. Within that beingness expression, there is no 'me' in that there is only an eternal care for others - no, for ALL others. For everything that is and makes up this world and reality. There is zero self-involvedness, zero self-centeredness.

It feels like that is far removed from where I am at now but at least it gives me a 'goal' to move towards. And in the meantime, I am asking myself, "What does it actually really mean to be self-less?" What does it mean to give all of myself to care for others? I feel like I don't even have a reference point for that within myself because I've just never done that. Yet, at the same time when I saw the beingness color, my initial response was, "makes sense", like on some level I do recognize that that is 'me', just on a really, really deep level.

So I'd say that a place for me to start changing from this ego-programming and move towards living the beingness color, is to apply more self-honesty and humbleness.

Making a Beingness Potential Real

Looking to understand things. Wanting to understand the universe and how everything operates and exists from the perspective of having and creating a solid 'foundation'. Realizing and understanding that if you don't understand how or why something exists then you won't be able to become master of it as in you won't be able to truly take responsibility for it or direct it. Wanting to be 'intelligent' as in 'seeing everything' so that everything can be directed, so that everything can 'have it's place' in existence and everything can be equally supported and cared for and given attention to. "Nothing left out." "Everything accounted for." "I see everything and hold everything as all of existence within me so that I can make sure that I can immediately direct anything that isn't existing in a way that's best.

There is a 'seriousness' as a deep sense of responsibility to stand as this point - to make sure that all of existence is taken care of and no one and nothing is left behind. There's a renouncing of oneself as an 
'individual' in order to be able to properly give all of existence the attention it needs and a solemn vow to oneself to apply the humbleness needed for this task.


This is pretty much the 'signature expression' of this color that tested out as one of my 'beingness colors'. With beingness colors though, yes it shows a part of 'who you really are' on a very deep level, but at the same time that part is also yet unrealized. It's a 'potential' of what you're able to live and stand as and express in this world and in existence. But if you don't do the work of figuring out how to live it in fact then it will only remain a 'potential' rather than it being a 'reality'.

With this particular color for example, I wouldn't say that I am already living it. It's still a potential for me that I haven't yet fully realized. So, how do I start making it a reality?

First of all there is the point of 'renouncing my individuality'. Right now there is still a desire to 'feel special', to be 'someone' of importance, to be an 'individual'. Whereas, in order to really live this color, there cannot exist a 'me'. I cannot be an 'individual'. In a way, or rather in all ways, I must exist as existence. Placing all of existence within and as me, where in a way that is my 'individuality', my 'who I am' - all of existence.

Then there is the point of getting to know everything and being 'intelligent' as in understanding how everything exists. Right now I feel like my understanding is actually very limited because the truth is that I just never really bothered to get to know other beings. I've actually been very self-centered throughout my life, more involved with who I am than with getting to know the reality around me.

Also the point of 'making sure that all of existence is taken care of' and 'giving all of existence the attention that it needs'. I mean, existence is just a big mess right now. There are so many beings that are and have been neglected and abandoned. It's in fact only a select few who live like royalty and who get the 'royal treatment' and all the attention in this world, while the majority is overlooked, disregarded, neglected, unseen, uncared for and abandoned. It's going to be quite a task to really get to know each part of this reality and then 'finding a place for everything' as in equally supporting and caring for everything, but definitely something I have not put much effort into throughout my life at all.

I've kind of started the process of living this color through using colors to get to know human beings better, where it's my resolve to truly get to know the beings in my reality on a real and deep level - to really 'see' who they are and how they exist within themselves. That is at least one area wherein I saw I can start expanding myself.