Caught in a Lie

This is a continuation of my previous post "Living Safe Haven on all Levels"

You know in those comedy movies where you have a scene wherein someone is placed on the spot and they tell a lie and then the whole scene is about them just trying to build on that lie because once they’ve started lying, there’s no turning back and then the whole thing just spins out of control, and you think to yourself how stupid it is that now this whole movie is about basically the consequential playouts of that one lie and if they had just not started lying none of those consequences would have continued to play out?

I kind of found myself in a scene like that today where I felt like I was on the spot and confronted with a task I had forgotten to do, and instead of simply truthfully saying ‘yes I’m sorry, I forgot’, the first thing that came out of my mouth was “No, I didn’t forget”.  And then obviously when I was further pushed with more questions I had to continue lying that I ‘hadn’t forgotten’, cause now it’s a lot more daunting to be ‘honest’ about not only that ‘I’d forgotten’ but also that ‘I was lying’. Now it’s TWO major character flaws that would be exposed.

And even though it didn’t have too many consequential playouts – none that I could immediately assess anyways – it still rattled me afterwards. Because, to be ‘honest’ has always been one of my values throughout my life. At some point I sort of vowed and decided that I was going to always be as honest as I possibly can be. To, even when it’s difficult to admit to something, still push myself to just be open and honest about myself. Because I realized that, ‘honesty lasts the longest’. When you are honest, even though in the moment you may appear ‘flawed’, in the long run people will come to know you as a trustworthy individual. And that’s a lot more valuable than having just a momentary sense of having ‘gotten away with something’ or a moment of avoiding someone seeing a flaw in you. And also, like in the movies, once you start shrouding yourself in lies, trying to keep up with all those lies takes a lot more effort lol. Whereas when you are honest, you have nothing to hide, and therefore you can just breathe and ‘be yourself’.

So I mean clearly, even though I have this ‘value’, it can still be ‘influenced’ and manipulated by the mind in these kinds of moments when for example a fear comes up of ‘consequences’ that might be connected with ‘being honest’. So it just shows me that this ‘value’ does not stand within me as a living word but is more something I’ve been living in separation of myself. Something I’ve been trying to ‘live towards’ or ‘live up to’. But I haven’t entirely defined and redefined the word honesty for myself.

Cause clearly how I used to define it is more in relation to ‘other people’. To not have secrets and not hide things from ‘others’. Standing in a polarity with ‘dishonesty’. Yet, never really asking myself or realizing why ‘dishonesty’ exists in the first place. Dishonesty exists because there is fear of things like punishment or judgment. Dishonesty is when we fear how another may react to our ‘honesty’. So dishonesty if anything is just a consequence of there not being a supportive environment in this world for ‘honesty’.

So obviously ‘honesty’ can only really exist as a living word, when there is no such thing as judgment or punishment. When I have a space and environment, a ‘safe haven’, where I can be unconditionally honest about everything that exists in me and everything that I am, without getting any ‘backlash’ for it. So therefore, given the current state of this reality, this kind of honesty can only exist in relation to myself. Only I can give myself that safe haven, that supportive environment that is free of judgment and punishment, to make me feel like I don’t have to be dishonest to protect myself. AND only I exist within me so the only ‘honesty’ that can be real, that can be tested and verified, is that ‘inner honesty’. Where, I see and know who I really am. Another cannot possibly see into the core of me, or take responsibility for my self-honesty. Only I can really see the real me.