This is a continuation of my previous blog "The ONE person your mind is built around"
I do this thing sometimes, where I get REALLY obsessed with buying something. Like I’ll get it in my head that I want a new set of curtains, and then will spend HOURS upon hours looking for the PERFECT bargain. And I may see the exact curtains I want somewhere, but then I will hold off on buying those and continue looking for a better price for the same thing. Like, the whole purchasing experience of those curtains needs to be PERFECT.
I need to KNOW that I got what I wanted at the BEST possible price. I am a true bonafide ‘bargain hunter’, although I never realized or saw myself as such. And the thing is, that it’s certainly obsessive compulsive behavior. Because I truly do get ‘lost’ within it. And there is this sense of urgency and importance within it. Like it’s REALLY important that I find these perfect curtains, as soon as possible.
So, it’s interesting that such an obviously frivolous point has such a grip on me that I would perceive it as something that is HUGELY important. Like it is IMPERATIVE that I find the right set of curtains NOW and that I buy them asap! And most of the time it starts out ‘innocently’ enough. Like as just a thought of ‘I’m just curious what kind of curtains I can find cause I’m kinda sorta interested in getting some new ones at some point’. Which is actually a point of self-expression as it’s coming from the starting point of wanting to create a specific living space for myself. And oftentimes I do approach it in this sort of ‘nonchalant’ way. But then sometimes, it goes overboard and a point of OBSESSION steps in. Where it’s like I’m being sucked into a rabbit hole and lose all touch with reality. And when I come back out of it, I feel groggy and don’t know where I am for a moment lol.
You know how it is. I’m sure many are familiar with for instance watching Youtube lol where you ‘innocently’ start watching one video cause you’re just ‘curious’, and before you know it, it’s like six hours later and you’ve gone down some Youtube video binge-watching rabbit hole. It’s that same kind of energy that ‘sucks you in’ because it has this sense of ‘importance’ and ‘urgency’ to it. Like ‘it’s important that I do this right now’. Even though, when you just take a step back to consider the whole thing, it’s clear to see that it’s not important or urgent AT ALL and that there definitely are more urgent things in this world we should be occupying ourselves with.
So, what is that energy about? Why do we get ‘sucked/suckered in’ to it? If we look at the words connected with it – URGENCY and IMPORTANCE – it appears to be about ‘purpose’. There’s a FEELING of purposefulness that drives us to watch hours and hours of those stupid Youtube videos, or that drives me to spend hours and hours window-shopping. So we’re LOOKING for PURPOSE. But then end up spending ALL of our time and effort on things that are actually entirely without real purpose, and so eventually end up feeling ‘empty’ as we know deep down that we ‘wasted our time’.
So, perhaps a redefining of the word PURPOSE is in order here.
The way that I have defined this word is actually within and as ‘purposelessness’ lol because what comes up when I speak this word is this sort of overwhelming sense of ‘purposelessness’. Like, ‘there is nothing’. There is no meaning to existence. And ‘purpose’ is like this ‘push’ for ‘meaning’, but then the more I ‘push’, the more ‘meaningless’ and ‘purposeless’ everything actually feels. It’s like a meaningless, futile, redundant want or attempt to create something ‘more’ than what things just are. And the more you try to do that, the more you just are faced with the fact that there is no ‘more’ and that you’re just fooling yourself. Like, in a way the word ‘purpose’ makes me feel stupid lol. Cause it’s like a deliberate self-deception. Deliberately trying to create something that isn’t there – that isn’t actually real. I mean, that’s just stupid.
And clearly from my writing, I am defining purpose within and as 'having'. Or rather, as something 'out there' that I must 'have' or 'preoccupy myself with'. Something that will GIVE me purpose, because I myself am entirely lacking of it. I perceive my very existence as totally without purpose or meaning and believe that there is something 'more' outside of myself - in the form of some new curtains or Youtube videos - that will give me purpose and meaning. But then an interesting thing is that, once I HAVE those things - I bought the curtains and watched the videos - and it has become part of 'me' so to speak, suddenly again I feel without purpose and must now look for the next thing that's apparently 'outside of me'.
So this definition of 'purpose' exists within a belief that I myself am without any importance, meaning, relevance, significance or substance -- and that I must therefore 'fill myself up' in order to gain and obtain all those things, through 'buying' and 'watching' and doing whatever I believe holds the key to a 'life of purpose'. And the thing is, it's ALL 'out there'. It's all within the things that I 'do' or 'have' or 'am' on that external level in this physical world and reality. It's all based on this assumption that 'if I can just do/have/be all these things in this world, then I'll be able to connect with 'purpose''. Meanwhile not ever looking inside myself and not considering that perhaps purpose might exist within me. Because, you know, I'm not important, relevant, significant, meaningful or substantial at all. I'm just, 'me'. Whatever. No, whatever's 'out there' in this world - that's what's REALLY important. I mean, I just exist as a slave. I'm just supposed to MINE the GOLD that is in and of this world. I'm just supposed to move the money and the goods and products. The real value, importance, significance and substance is all OUT THERE. And I only get to EXPERIENCE that value and importance as a thought in the mind.
SO clearly on some really deep deep level I have made the DECISION or have accepted the decision that 'who' and 'what' I am is 'worth-less'. 'Just a slave'. That at the core of who I am, there is NOTHING. While everything around me, 'outside of me', is EVERYTHING. And that 'everything' is better than 'nothing'. That, in fact, 'everything' is what I should strive to be. And I should strive to get away from the 'nothing' inside of me. I should strive to 'amalgamate' with the 'everything' outside of me.
Obviously this definition of purpose exists in separation of myself. Something I can’t really do much with in a way, because it does not include ‘me’. In fact it includes everything BUT me. It’s like ‘anti-me’. Basically saying to me, “you are bad, mkay. Just live for everything but yourself cause you don’t matter and you barely even exist so just forget about ‘you’, you got that?!” I mean, yikes. Thanks a lot.
And I mean it’s not hard to see that clearly I have never taken responsibility for this word purpose and how I live and define it, cause if I had then obviously I would have been included in the definition of it lol. Instead I allowed myself to accept that ‘I am a slave’ and so allowed someone or something else to decide that the word ‘purpose’ will in a way be the placeholder of my decision to abdicate my self-responsibility. The ‘reminder’ that I do not live for me. I have abdicated that long ago. I am owned. I do not belong to me anymore and so I do not get to decide. It’s all already been decided for me the moment I came into this world. I never took my power to create and decide, so something or someone else did it for me. And I simply became part of its creation.
And how I’ve lived ‘purpose’ is as the ‘drive’ within me, which has been preprogrammed, to operate and function and ‘do’ and ‘be’ everything that I have done and been throughout my life and existence in this world. Everything inside of me which has motivated and steered and driven me to give ‘meaning’ to my life. But that very DRIVE to ‘live’ and ‘move’ and ‘be’ and ‘do’ has been preprogrammed. It’s been my ‘slave-programming’. And if I take that away, well then, what’s left? Nothing. Because that is how much I have ever truly driven and steered and motivated myself – not at all.
So I suppose the word purpose as a living word would instead be to actually look for what IS real and to make sure that I am NOT fooling myself. But that everything about me is always completely grounded within actual reality. And that I can truly say, “I am REAL”. So essentially to live PURPOSE is to kind of just ‘be myself’, and accept myself as I am. To not try to be ‘more’, and not look for ‘more’. But to just stand in and as what is simply REAL. Cause that is where the real MEANING is. It’s not something ‘made up’. It’s not something I make myself believe or experience. It’s what is undeniably, verifiably and unquestioningly real. So it’s the meaning that I AM as my existence – as the fact that I am HERE and I am REAL. There’s no ‘looking for’ or ‘trying to find’. It’s all right HERE, in and as the simplicity and effortless of just existing and ‘being myself’.
But it’s actually not only just ‘being’ – it’s to also give myself and create meaning in terms of living words. In terms of self-creation. Where I DECIDE and create what is real. Where I thrust myself forward and become ‘more’, while still just being ‘me’. Where, living ‘purpose’ is essentially to walk the process of getting to know myself, and bringing myself out of the illusion of the mind, and walk the process of self-creation through living words.
And most of all, since I have never been the directive principle of myself and must effectively start from scratch, I must ‘walk’ VERY slowly. Perhaps specific that the word purpose sounds a lot like PORPOISE. As the moment I find myself RUSHING, like within my curtain-shopping or YouTube-watching frenzy, then I am being driven, motivated and steered by who or whatever it is that I allowed to program me into a slave. It’s within slowing everything down, and taking it VERY slowly, that I can walk myself – myself as purpose – into existence.
Or, well maybe it’s not exactly about being SLOW. It’s more about taking things at my own pace. Like the porpoise. He just does his own thing. Doesn’t rush himself. Doesn’t compare himself with others and doesn’t judge himself for how fast or slow he’s going. He’s just doing his thing, in his own way, at his own pace. And sure the world around him may be screaming at him ‘omg, go faster! You’re going too slow!! What are you doing?!!’ But he’s like ‘Nope! This is about as fast as is comfortably manageable for me. This is my pace. It’s not a race. You do you. And I do me.’ He’s in touch with who he is inside, and has embraced that. And now just does what is best for him. He lives himself as his purpose.
There’s also clearly an exquisite acceptance of itself that the porpoise lives (which I now realize is actually ‘tortoise’ that I’m referring to lol. Somehow my brain mixed up some words, yet still specifically within that showed me the solution of living ‘purpose’!). An acceptance of its actual abilities and capacities as the ‘pace’ in which it’s moving and is able to move. A living statement of ‘this is ME!’ No comparison – no use comparing itself anyways. It’s like existing in and as its own little universe. Not really bothering necessarily with what exists ‘outside’ of that universe – in terms of not being influenced by it. It moves at it’s own speed and exists at it’s own pace, and in a way expects the rest of the world to ‘keep up’ and ‘adapt’, instead of it being the other way around. It’s like ‘this is me and I’m OK with that, and I don’t care what you think or feel about that. You better accept it cause I’m not picking up my pace or changing the way that I move and express myself.’