Tuesday, May 12, 2020


This is a continuation of my previous post "My Process Compass"

I've aways been very...'innocent' lol. Meaning that, because my whole life my primary experience has always been FEAR, as basically not wanting to take responsibility for ANYTHING, I also never really 'did' anything necessarily. I never really 'lived'. And so I never had much 'life experience'. I was, 'innocent'. Sort of sheltered by my own fear of everything.

But then I've always looked at people and felt like, I SHOULD have more experience. I SHOULD be more like other people in this world who live their lives and experience things and do things and make mistakes and go through emotions and reactions and who wear their heart on their sleeves and express themselves and do dumb things and develop personalities around that. I should be more 'seasoned' lol. Seasoned by life and the shit you go through as a human in this world.

I felt that, looking at other people, they seem to be more 'rich' somehow. 'Rich' in experience and memories and feelings and emotions and personalities and character, etcetera. I had none of that lol. I was like a blank slate. Very much still a small child or a baby within myself. As though I've never really lived, never been through anything. Completely sheltered off from life in this world.

I TRIED to give myself that experience lol. I TRIED to deliberately place myself in dangerous situations, make friends with people living dangerous lives, get swept away by the tides of life. But to no avail. It wasn't 'real'. It was just me trying to make my life more interesting, and I was aware that I was doing it. It was kind of pathetic really lol.

I kind of feel like my whole life was pretty much about me trying to make myself more 'human' lol. Trying to chase after that 'human experience'. Trying to be less 'innocent'. Less 'aware of myself'. Cause I guess I felt there must be something 'wrong' with me when everybody else seems so different. There's also been just a lot of beating up on myself for living such an 'innocent' existence. As though it basically just showed me exactly how PRIVILEGED I've been, to be THAT sheltered. THAT protected from EVERYTHING.

And obviously, instead of embracing that privilege and recognizing that everyone should be so privileged and that it simply means it's now my responsibility to make sure that happens in this world, I rather just didn't want to face the guilt and responsibility and decided I'll try and drown out the awareness.

I mean, imagine, that's basically why people in first world countries, who 'have it good' and are almost living in a way that is a 'heaven on earth', don't do anything to change the rest of the world. Countries like Belgium where I grew up. Where people are so privileged they're already living in an 'ideal world'. They'll rather stick their head in the sand cause they don't want to face the responsibility that comes with being so privileged. Not to mention the guilt from not having done anything all this time but having taken it all for granted even when you could clearly see all the suffering in the rest of the world.

And I see now that the experience of 'overwhelming fear' has always just been a deliberate self-distraction. Deliberately making me feel disempowered and victimized so as to undermine my realization of responsibility. To make me feel like 'I just can't. I'm too weak'. Cause I mean, the realization has always been there within me. That I am RESPONSIBLE for EVERYONE that is not as privileged as I am. Which is safe to say pretty much every being in this world. And it's taken me how long? About ten odd years to finally ADMIT to myself what I've really actually been aware of from the start. Making myself go deliberately in circles, as if there's some 'process' for me to walk, when all I needed to do was just 'get real' with myself and what I really already know within me but just don't want to face, cause I'm just so used to sticking my head into the sand.

Bernard's words "the first will be the last" make sense to me now. In that, because I was the FIRST, as in hyper-privileged compared to everyone else in this existence, and already had it all from the get-go, I will now have to wait until all beings in this existence exist in a heaven on earth. I will have to take responsibility for each one and walk with them, walk their life and existence into change and self-realization. Allowing everyone else to go before me. Changing the meaning of the word 'privileged' from 'turning a blind eye to the suffering of others' and 'sticking your head into the sand', to 'being in a superior position and therefore responsibility to support others' and 'having the responsibility to show everyone else the way'. There really is no other way, if I ever want to be able to live with myself and look myself in the eyes with respect.

And to the people living in Belgium, and who've lived a life of privileged like I have. Yes there is great guilt and shame, but there is also FORGIVENESS. To be the directive principle and allow yourself to START OVER, and live in a way that is truly honorable. We can't change the past and what we've allowed. But we can decide to live differently and honor our 'privilege', showing the way to the rest of the world. Cause we are the ones who see what is possible. What a 'heaven on earth' might be like, and that's our responsibility to show everyone else.


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