This is a continuation of my previous post "In my Image and Likeness"
Two things I have never very much lived in my life is UNDERSTANDING and ACCEPTANCE. To, when it comes to ‘problems’ and ‘issues’, shortcomings and flaws, be instead rather judgmental and reactive. Something I realized is that, when I’m looking at this world, and within myself into my own mind, looking at human beings’ behavior as well as my own – even though I may try so damn hard to be and live and exist in ways that is best – the reality is that all I can see is PROBLEMS. All I see is all the ways we’re NOT living as the best version of ourselves. How I’m not living the best version of myself. And how us human beings as a whole are not living the best version of ourselves.
And I’ve asked myself, ‘how can I be more understanding, of myself and others?’ But all that comes up is that I just can’t be. That, this world is fucked, we are fucked, I am fucked. We’re all fucked. I mean look at us. Just the way we exist in our minds. The DELIBERATE evil and the harm that we do to one another. The ignorance we exist in. All I am left with within myself when looking at it all, is just an ANGER. An anger that it is this way. An anger that things are not already ‘perfect’ – the way I KNOW we can be. It’s like a deep disappointment, that’s turned into anger, with our inability to live up to my expectations.
It’s like the expectations, as the ‘image of perfection’ I know we can be and achieve, is the bone I’m not willing to let go of. Almost like I’m thinking and believing that ‘as long as I keep my eyes on that image of perfection and stay focused on that, it will be our motivation to get us there’. It’s kind of like a delusion, to have that expectation and to actually believe that it works that way. It’s delusional from the perspective that what is missing is an ACCEPTANCE and an UNDERSTANDING that, well simply put, we are NOT that image of perfection. That the reality of who we are as beings is that we ARE ‘imperfect’. That we’ve got all these flaws and shortcomings, so very clearly shown within and as ‘life on earth’. We are NOWHERE NEAR ‘perfect’. In fact, that ‘perfection’ doesn’t exist. That ‘potential’, the ‘perfect image’, it doesn’t exist. It’s just not who and how and what we are. At all. And it’s like I am basically trying to find and see something that isn’t there. Which would obviously result in massive disappointment.
The reality is, that we ARE fucked. We are FUCKED beyond belief. There is no ‘hope’. There is no ‘glimmer of light’. There is no ‘potential’. And that’s not me being pessimistic. It’s a FACT. The ‘perfect image of potential’, that’s what only exists in my mind. It’s simply not HERE. It’s been something I’ve been hoping for, fighting for, searching for, like the light in the tunnel. But it’s like, the closer I’m moving towards that light – or think I’m moving – the more the ‘darkness’ seems to be moving in on me. Because the light is an illusion. It isn’t really there, and I will never really reach it.
And I’ve effectively been chasing that light within my mind my entire life. Thinking/believing that it must be real, because I can see it in my mind. Positively duped. Duped with the CURSE of knowing that we need to change, and even seeing a solution, as the ‘image of perfection’, but being absolutely SABOTAGED and DISEMPOWERED in being able to do anything because of how the ‘solution’ has been defined in the illusion in the mind. The illusion in the mind where everything is just images and pictures. It’s not ‘real’. It’s like these very limited, superficial ‘concepts’ of what and how things are. Like a comic book, or a movie. Where everything is reduced to a single image. A snapshot. Everything is ‘represented’ and ‘captured’ within an image. But an image doesn’t show you the intricacies of reality. It’s not ‘alive’. It’s more like a one-dimensional, limited, presumptuous ‘idea’ of what reality is. Like being stuck in a picture frame, experiencing, seeing and perceiving reality on that superficial level of the picture in the frame. It’s just literally ‘not alive’, therefore it is not ‘real’.
And the thing with my mind, is that it’s full of pictures. My mind is like a television, or a comic book. Always spinning ‘stories’ through pictures. Presenting me with ‘ideas’ of what and how reality is, where I then am actually very blind as to what reality really is. More seeing things in a very one-dimensional, superficial, and kind of ‘story-telling’ way, also seeing myself as just a character in a story that must in a way be watched like a movie for it to be ‘real’, or believed/perceived to be real. Many, many stories I’ve spun for myself, in my mind as my walking television.
And it’s definitely coming from and based on a desire to create ‘more’ of reality than what is HERE. To have that polarity of ‘the light’ on the one hand and ‘the darkness’ on the other hand, rather than just being HERE. But to basically have that ‘movie-plot’ within the mind wherein there’s ALWAYS that ‘epic battle’ between the dark and the light. And that’s why my point is that I pretty much just need to relax lol.