Getting Divorced

 

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad because paul said we should divorce

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that divorce is bad and that it means abandonment and aloneness and loneliness and depravity and lack

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear divorce

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that divorce is evil because then why did we get married?

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that divorce is a consequence of marriage and the fact that marriage is not properly understood within humanity

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I never understood marriage properly as I got married based on an illusion as ideals, expectations, hopes and dreams

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that divorce is at least something that lets people start over when they’ve made the mistake of marriage without understanding what marriage entails, which is in a way a mercy

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to grant myself this mercy of being able to start over by fearing divorce and by labeling and defining it as something negative or something that ‘shouldn’t happen’ --- instead of simply admitting and being real about the fact that I am not a perfect person and that I make mistakes, often through ignorance and not properly educating myself and making impulsive decisions, and that therefore it’s definitely necessary sometimes to just ‘start over’, and that therefore ‘divorce’ is not a ‘bad’ thing as it’s more like a mercy for the stupid people in the world like me --- as in people who still have a lot to learn with regards to relationships

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to simply be grateful that I get to start over after I’ve realized I’ve made a mistake and to stop clinging on to the idea that maybe what I did wasn’t a mistake and maybe I can still ‘make it work’ just because I’ve allowed a ‘stigma’ and judgment around ‘divorce’ in my mind --- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it’s always better to start over from scratch after you’ve made a mistake and this should be a normal thing rather than something to judge or feel guilty about

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it should be honored, the opportunity to get to start over, because it is a realization of what I ‘did wrong’, and a resolution and commitment to do it better this time --- realizing and using what I’ve learned to create something better --- like a painter re-starting a painting, to re-apply the techniques and skills I’ve learned  and am learning in order to be more purposeful in what I am creating

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that mistakes should not be shamed or stigmatized or judged, even in relationships, but should be recognized as stepping stones for the individual to learn and perfect themselves --- as we’re all learning in some way or another as human beings in this world, what it means to create effective relationships and how to live effective lives

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that people used to not be able to get divorced… not even that long ago, and were expected to choose a person to be in a relationship/marriage with and then be with that person for the rest of their lives, as a religious thing --- and that this caused a lot of suppressed mis-understandings or lack of understanding within people with regards to what relationships even are and how to live and establish effective “romantic” and “partnership” relationships, as people were essentially not allowed to ‘start over’ or let alone discover and explore themselves in terms of who they really are when it comes to ‘relationships’/sex/marriage/having kids/commitment/etcetera --- it was really just a ‘one-and-done’ deal

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and recognize the damage religion has caused to ‘relationships’ and humanity’s potential to create real, effective, fulfilling relationships --- and that a lot of my own personal experience with and within my marriage and relationship has been influenced by the past as in preprogrammed belief systems, judgments and stigma related to religious programming going back generations in my society and family --- which makes divorce a good thing because at least I get the chance to make mistakes and learn and start over and get to know who I am when it comes to marriage and relationships and how to create effective relationships in that process – provided I don’t make the same mistakes over and over again

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to ‘start over’ in relationships by having all these belief systems and ideas around ‘marriage’ and ‘being in a relationship’, like the belief or idea that it’s supposed to be ‘forever’ and that it’s supposed to be ‘real love’ which is supposed to ‘last for eternity’ and we’re supposed to be ‘made for each other’ or that we’re supposed to fix things if it’s not working --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that all those beliefs are more like coping mechanisms as a way that humans have tried to create this ‘positive spin’ on the fact that they were essentially stuck together with another person with no way out once they got married, telling themselves there’s some divine reason they’re together or because they’re ‘soulmates’, which again is apparently a ‘match made in heaven’, to essentially talk themselves into believing that being ‘stuck’ in a relationship is a good idea

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if a relationship simply isn’t aligned with who I am then there’s no point in continuing it or let alone wasting precious time and energy on trying to ‘make it work’ --- cause a relationship is supposed to make me more effective, rather than doing the opposite, providing obstacle after obstacle which then has to be ‘overcome’ and ‘fixed’ where I end up focusing more on constantly trying to ‘fix the issues’ in my life than on actually moving forward and expressing with focus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel scared of starting over and to have accepted and allowed myself to use marriage and my relationship as some kind of comfort blanket and something I’m trying to hold on to, to stave off this fear of starting over alone

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and project these fears as worst case scenarios in my mind of what will or might happen if I get divorced – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have no idea what the future holds and what it ‘will be like’ and that I’ll have to take it one step at a time --- which doesn’t mean I wont get to ‘live’ and have fun and enjoy myself and express and be me

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically scare myself into thinking and believing that marriage and staying in an ineffective relationship is a better idea, by going into this worst case scenario thinking pattern/personality wherein I seem to assume that ‘everything will be horrible’ or that I simply don’t have the capability or capacity to deal with and handle these real-life kind of situations of having to live and deal with the system and society in a different way --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in a way that’s part of the programming where I am terrified of ‘not being in a relationship’ which then serves as motivator to justify ineffective relationships --- because apparently relationships/marriage is this ‘cocoon’ that protects one from ‘the system’ and the world, instead of realizing and seeing and understanding that at this point I have barely gotten to know ‘me’ outside of this ‘cocoon’ throughout my life so I honestly can’t tell how I’d ‘deal’, who knows I might be completely bad-ass at it

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have trust and confidence in myself when it comes to ‘being alone in the system’ and to see, realize and understand that any fears or negative future projections that I have are a lie because I have barely ever truly been alone before so I can’t even know myself  and know my capabilities

 

 

So I see, realize and understand that any reactions I’m having to the concept of ‘divorce’ are more like preprogrammed reactions based on ‘stigmas’ connected to religious programming as well as coming from fears in relation to ‘being alone’ and being a ‘single woman’ in the world system, wherein I am not seeing ‘me’ because I actually have very little experience with being alone and ‘single’ in this world, especially in Canada, so I honestly can’t know how I would handle or deal with it

 

I commit myself to have trust and faith in myself, rather than having ‘faith’ in these preprogrammed religious beliefs around ‘relationships’ and ‘marriage’ which at the end of the day really just seem to justify and support the world system as this scary demonic thing that we must all exist in fear of basically, and then enter into these relationships based on Stockholm syndrome where we find ‘comfort’ in ‘being stuck’ and where ‘togetherness’ becomes co-dependence and emotional anxiety-based attachment

 

I see and realize and understand that divorce is not a ‘bad’ thing because it actually allows people to start over after toxic/ineffective/harmful relationships, which is a form of grace and mercy

 

So I commit myself to embrace this ‘divorce’ with open arms and to recognize  and accept and embrace it as a chance to ‘start over’ which I realize is not a bad thing but something I should honor and appreciate --- and to just continue to find my way, knowing that this is just a second chapter in my journey of getting to know myself and realizing who I really am as life in this world and how to create effective relationships