To Dare to Jump into the Deep End

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Being my own worst enemy"

"This point being for instance 'fear'. Fears of failing, fears of 'what if this doesn't work out', fears of 'what will people think'... Fears related to 'success' and not being successful at something. So I'll rather opt for what is 'safe' and end up not actually moving or pushing myself in the direction that I actually should be. I'll rather actually more keep things the same, even though they should be, and I'd like them to be better. I can see this fear of failing, fear of doing and trying new things out of fear that the desired result will not be achieved, in person X. And I can see it in myself as well, as my 'stumbling block' that I've been having difficulty moving past. Almost a decision that 'I will not do or try anything where I cannot be certain that the end result will live or measure up to an idea of 'success' that I've already created in my mind. Cause I've decided that anything that doesn't measure up to that idea, is automatically a 'failure'."

So looking at this point a bit more of why there seems such a 'blockage' when it comes to self-movement, there's a memory that comes up of when I was little. I was at the pool with my family, and while I was afraid to step into the shallowest side of the kiddy pool as I was holding my mother's hand, my brother who was younger than me was over on the other side jumping into the deep end with not a worry in the world. While me, I had ALL the worries in the world. I was scared to just jump in. I was scared to even try. SO MUCH could go wrong. And I needed so much time, and a lot of coaxing to finally dip my toe into it.

It's kind of that same feeling that now stops me from just going for things for example, just doing something, just jumping into something that's unknown to an extent. Just taking that leap or just taking that step of moving myself into a particular direction that perhaps I'm not very used to. It almost feels like standing at the edge of a pool at the deep end and having to jump in, where everything inside of me is telling me that 'so much could go wrong!'. That I should not, and can not, just jump. It's insanity.

And I did perceive my brother as being slightly insane in fact lol. A little bit unhinged, and where I had too many worries, perhaps he had too few... Perhaps he should have had a bit more care and caution for himself. Although yes, where some things are just downright dangerous to 'just jump into it', other things aren't, and it's important to be able to let go of that veil of worries and see things for what they are. Most things that I'm wanting to try and do are not actually dangerous and do not require me to be so overly hesitant.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this personality design of being overly cautious and full of worries when it comes to doing and trying new or different things from what I'm used to

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself that there is caution in the mind as a veil of worries as self-sabotage and then there is real caution - where real caution is to assess reality based on common sense to see what's actually dangerous and what isn't, rather than assuming that everything must be dangerous within and as the worry personality in the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a personality based on this holding back/worry personality, of 'thinking' and 'pondering' -- locking myself internally into a dimension of thought where I then sit and just think, basically preoccupying myself from going ahead and just doing the thing, almost trying to convince myself that I can predict or simulate or create the same thing in my mind and that I therefore don't have to move myself in physical reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I am never able to really get to know something and myself within it and create something without doing it in physical reality  - and that the 'thinking' in the mind is really no comparison or representation of actual reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to just 'jump into' things within physical reality in terms of doing something and trying something out and moving into a certain direction by thinking that 'there are so many things that could go wrong!'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this thought of 'there are so many things that could go wrong!', connected with an experience of worry, when standing at the advent of something new or different

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must protect myself from 'all the things that could go wrong!' and therefore must not go for things or jump into things and just take the step forward into a direction, but must stagnate and remain in place locked into a mind personality of thinking - as self-preoccupation, to at least create some kind of illusion of movement, even if it's not real and is only internally within thoughts and feelings and emotions as 'energy movements'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is wrong to just take a step or do something without first thinking about it profusely - because if I'm not thinking first, then I am not applying caution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define caution as 'thinking profusely about doing anything before going ahead and taking a step forward or moving into a certain direction'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to rather live caution as having a 'cushion' for myself to land on when I do step into things - where it's not about holding myself back and sabotaging my physical movement - but more about providing a gentle guidance for myself as I walk through whatever I'm deciding to do and venture into

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define caution in and as emotional experiences of worry and doubt and insecurity and fear, where the result is me suppressing and holding back my physical expression and movement in this world and reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me holding back on moving myself in physical reality is me protecting myself from 'what could go wrong' - instead of realizing and seeing that it's actually me sabotaging myself from living and learning and getting to know myself and reality and life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back and sabotage myself from learning and getting to know reality and myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind instead of trusting physical reality and my simple assessment of physical reality in terms of seeing what is actually 'dangerous' and what is not -- which does not require 'thinking'

when and as I see myself going into the mind as the worry personality in relation to doing things in physical reality - then i stop and i breathe -- and I see and realize and understand that I am just busy holding myself back and sabotaging myself from getting to know and learning about reality and myself 

I see and realize and understand that to get to know reality is to do new things and try different things and allowing myself to step into specific directions that I'm not familiar with - and to get out of the mind

I see and realize and understand that I do not need thoughts and 'thinking' to be able to see reality - and that thinking is more just preoccupation based on emotions like doubts and insecurities and fears and is not actually a representation of actual reality

I see and realize and understand that applying caution is not to think about things within worry and fear, but to just look at physical reality simplistically and assess whats actually realistically dangerous and what isn't 

I commit myself to trust the physical body rather than the mind when applying and practicing 'caution' when it comes to doing things and 'jumping into' things and moving into certain directions  - and so to live real caution rather than caution based on the mind as thinking and emotional experiences

and so I commit myself to through doing so, get to know reality and myself - by actually doing things in physical reality

Being your own worst enemy

 It is interesting, this point was brought home to me through the principle of what your reality is showing you is what you accept and allow, your reality being a mirror to you.  To have a look at specific people in my reality and what they mirror back to me, what stands out is very particular programming of 'being your own worst enemy'. Programming of self-sabotage. Where, there's not much wrong with your environment per se. Your environment is here, and gives you plenty of opportunity for you to create, yet, it's you within yourself who is more choosing to deteriorate rather than move forward and create.

So it's more through seeing what is happening to people in my environment, and in some ways to myself, that I am seeing what I am accepting and allowing in and as me. As in a choice to deteriorate, and hold back, rather than move forward and create. 

Let's take person X as example. Person X does an interesting thing where it is by no lack of trying or talent or skill that they seem to keep cycling in the same unsupportive and dire circumstances and situations. It's more their emotional patterns that cause them to not support themselves properly to move forward in their life and create a supportive physical environment for themselves. They're actually quite driven and decided to make the best of themselves and to 'get ahead' in life and succeed. But a pattern wherein they sabotage themselves in for example, is a 'blame' of their situation, of the world around them, of the universe, and of other people, as to why it is that they cannot seem to move forward or change anything to their circumstances. It is a point of believing that 'I am in this situation because reality is not cooperating'. And so a self-pity as well, which sometimes can spill over into suicidal tendencies even, when the anger and self-pity becomes overwhelming.

I know that to a large extent I have changed this particular programming within myself, where I am quite aware that everything about me and my life is in my hands. That, if I do not move, nothing will. And that thus, I must find a way. Even if everything seems impossible for me to change and do anything. I must find a way, because reality will not do anything for me. In fact, given the current world system, the chips are always stacked against me, if I have any integrity at all and want to create and do anything that involves integrity.

Yet clearly, my reality being a mirror, there are some aspects of it that I have not yet grasped or understood and changed. Because yes, even though I do have this understanding that everything is in my hands, there has still at the same time been this point of 'stuckness' that I've found myself in. Where, I'm not particularly moving either way. Even though, I want to and am trying to. There are some dimensions there of self-sabotage that I have not yet been able to change. Where, I have in a way even given up on trying to find different ways. Given up on truly supporting myself, because no matter what I did, I seemed to always end up feeling stuck. 

So perhaps, working with my reality within the mirror principle may give me some new perspective. And in a way it is a point of expanding my responsibility as well. To take responsibility for the lives of those around me by realizing and seeing how they mirror some points within me that I am accepting and allowing (without being consciously aware of it).

So yes with person X I'm very much working with a pattern of basically feeling stifled, held back and sabotaged at every turn and effort by reality. A sense of 'I am doing and trying everything that I can, but it's reality that isn't cooperating somehow. There is something about the end result of my actions that is out of my hands.' But it's actually a point where I 'give up' and don't push through or venture beyond. And that point has nothing to do with reality but is more a point inside myself that I've decided is too overwhelming or overpowering for me, and I just cannot move past it.

This point being for instance 'fear'. Fears of failing, fears of 'what if this doesn't work out', fears of 'what will people think'... Fears related to 'success' and not being successful at something. So I'll rather opt for what is 'safe' and end up not actually moving or pushing myself in the direction that I actually should be. I'll rather actually more keep things the same, even though they should be, and I'd like them to be better. I can see this fear of failing, fear of doing and trying new things out of fear that the desired result will not be achieved, in person X. And I can see it in myself as well, as my 'stumbling block' that I've been having difficulty moving past. Almost a decision that 'I will not do or try anything where I cannot be certain that the end result will live or measure up to an idea of 'success' that I've already created in my mind. Cause I've decided that anything that doesn't measure up to that idea, is automatically a 'failure'.

To be continued...