Working through my Resonant Design with QCK

One thing I've found QCK sessions, or my work with 'resonance', are useful for is FEAR. What I mean by that is that personally I'd say I am a very 'fearful' person, and I have never found a very effective way of dealing with those fears. I've tried many things growing up with all these intense experiences of anxiety, insecurity and nervousness that I'd so often go through, not to mention the thoughts accompanying those experiences! Oh the thoughts! lol Fear can really send your thoughts into a tailspin, and it's a rough ride when you're not able to assess what is purely your mind's imagination and what is reality. And that rabbit hole goes deep too. Meaning, the levels on which fear can have a hold on your perception of reality. It's just extensive. And so is the process you have to walk to sift through all those levels and ultimately get to a point of groundedness. And my process has been a loooong one.

What QCK has just supported me with is to discern what's 'my mind' from what's real. To learn and find out that even, and mostly, those experiences that 'felt so real' were actually not reality at all, but were just sort of 'remnants' or 'resonants'. My 'resonant design', made up of whatever memories I've stored in unconscious ways that are now distinctively 'resonating' through my mind in the form of 'experiences'.  That all might sound a bit complicated, but it's to say that you end up taking so many things about how you see and perceive the world and how you experience yourself for granted, because most of it is, well, just not real. And the key is to find the memories that are anchored and stored away and are busy resonating. Cause if you don't, you're always sort of wandering in the dark inside your own mind, in all of these experiences, just trying to find a slice of the 'real you'.

And it took me long enough, but as I mentioned in my previous post, being pregnant has urged me to start using QCK to take on every point inside myself I could see I was stuck on. And that wasn't in the least because just the whole physical sensation of being pregnant and whatever that does to the body (especially in the beginning!) seemed to amplify and magnify many of my mental/emotional patterns (especially the extremely uncomfortable ones). Aside from that, there was also my resolve - with realizing I am becoming a PARENT! - that 'all this ends with me'. I may have been allowing all of this uncomfortable stuff inside myself for way too long, but I will not saddle a child, my child, with it too. 

It really only took a few good, deep sessions with myself to find a way and clear a path for myself through things I've been stuck in within my mind for what seems like forever. At least most of my life. So many experiences I took for granted, believed to be real, and allowed myself to suffer through for so long, now just 'debunked' and cleared up in the span of maybe a few weeks. And for someone who has a 'fearful mind', I couldn't be more grateful that for the first time I was able to understand the mechanics of it all, instead of being swept away by the currents of fear resonating from the depths of my unconscious. I could give things a place and place myself into perspective. No longer thinking 'there's something grievously wrong with me', which is what you often end up feeling and believing when you suffer from massive anxiety and panic-attacks. The solution to all these things was now just a session away, and it's been glorious.

If you're at all curious about QCK and you feel like it might support you, don't hesitate to reach out to kim_amourette@hotmail.com. I'm also on Facebook if you feel more comfortable sending me a message there. Dealing with anxiety is tough, and if I can in any way be a point of support in that journey, through QCK, and working with others the way I've worked with myself, then I am here.

Kim Amourette

Relaxation is...

 

So there's this one point that keeps coming back in my process. Which is that I need to RELAX. And it keeps coming back meaning that I will see the utmost importance of having to relax for me specifically, as i will in a moment see the extensive amount of stress and pressure I and my body is on in general and how it's destroying my body specifically. And I'll be like 'oh shit I need to find a way to relax!' and realize that needs to be my absolute priority in my process. 

But then somehow, that 'utmost importance' sort of fades and after a while I find myself at the same point only worse this time because I did not listen and so have now put even more strain on my body - rather than having actually focused and worked on the solution, being: relaxation. I always find more, and other things important. Like oh I need to do writing and self-forgiveness, and color readings, and this and that and the other thing.  Focusing on all these different things that I 'need to do' and completely losing track of what I realized as actually important.

So this time what came up was this experience of just being so 'tired'. My body being tired. Me being tired. So tired that I'm ready to just give up and call it quits. I'm ready to die. 'I can't go on fighting anymore'. And it kind of frightened me in a way, this experience. Because, I don't get depressed. But this was like legit depression on a very physical level. And so I had a look at what have I been doing to myself to get myself to that point? For that to be my actual experience on a physical level. And I realized I've been working myself up so much again. So much stress and so much pressure again, that I'd been accepting and allowing within me on a constant bases.

So this prompted me to look at: Ok how to RELAX? And what does it mean to 'relax'? Is it just doing some meditation techniques every once in a while or is there more to it? I realized that to relax for me is mostly to accept myself. To stop looking for 'more'. To be content with where I'm at and where my life is at. To stop trying to force things because I'm thinking that my life should be different. So what if I'm working a 'dead end job'? So what if I am working six days a week? So what if that is all there is and possibly will ever be to my life?

To relax is to be content with how things are. To not be in that survival mode of thinking about the future and having and needing to create something 'more' and 'better'. I mean yes I can obviously create something different for myself and direct my life, but it won't be based on any survival based energy drive. It'll be a point of self-expression and -enjoyment. And for that, I need to first settle in and be content with where I'm at right now, and embrace that. Because, maybe all the things that I've been focusing on to try and 'make more of my life and self', isn't even really what is best for me per se and isn't really aligned with my self-expression. Because part of my starting point has been this point of 'I want more'. And that can really smother self-expression and -enjoyment.

What's important for me is to not have 'more', but to actually let go and sort of sink into what is HERE and, it sounds cliche but, finding the 'more' in what's already here. And for me that means walking through and releasing the points of stress and pressure and finding that point of 'relaxing'. Through for instance, as and while I am working, being in the moment. Not going into that 'rushing' experience I so easily slip into. Where I'm busy working on a million things at once. And am juggling many different ideas of all the things I could still do. And I'm already thinking about the next thing. And am really sort of on my tail 'as though the very whips of my masters were behind me'.

A lot of which also has to do with memory programming where during my childhood I was in a way 'rushed' in that sense, or rather felt that I was. And felt as though I could not relax, because relaxing and 'taking it easy' was in a way seen as 'laziness'. So now there is the greatest resistance to taking it slow and easy and steady within 'relaxing'. Where for instance I pay attention to what I am realistically able to handle, or simply move at the pace of the physical breath and don't rush myself through my tasks using adrenaline energy, trying to get everything done at once. So that I found was something that's come up with forcing myself to take it slow. A fear of being seen as 'lazy', and a belief that people would JUDGE my 'relaxing' as 'laziness' and something 'bad'. Even though, I'm still getting the job done. I am just moving at a slightly slower pace as I am just being more considerate of what I am realistically physically able to do from moment to moment without straining myself. And so am not 'miss perfect' anymore who magically gets everything done and more, but am also more 'relaxed' with how I do my tasks. 

Another point that's come up that's been contributing to my constant stress-level, is a 'fear of people'. But that's something to open up for my next blog.

but what will happen to me?!

 This is a continuation of my previous post "I am NOT Responsible"

this is a programming of basically intense fear.  Intense fear which sort of compacts and compresses me inside until I feel really really small. And I am just this tiny point of fear inside myself that is existent in the point of 'but, but what about me?? What will happen to me??' As a point of just being very fearful of what might happen to me. Very fearful of my own 'fate'.

And it's so all-consuming that within this fear, i separate myself from basically all of existence, all of life and become just so super 'small' and 'tiny' inside myself. Just smaller and smaller within this one point of fear of 'but, but,...', 'what about me??'

It is like the epitome of separation and consciousness.  The epitome of self-interestedness because I am literally only concerned and worried about ME. MY fate, MY future, MY experiences. What will happen to ME. And it's interesting because by going into this fear, I only separate myself even more and more from my environment - and within that separation end up creating just more and more fear as well as I start to feel more and more isolated and alone and abandoned. Completely ALONE within myself, trapped within fear for myself.

I mean at the end of the day all that it is, is just self-interest. Yet I have always defined myself according to this experience of intense FEAR. Believing that point of absolute self-interest as separation to be 'me'. BELIEVING myself to BE separated and isolated and alone. Not realizing or recognizing that I am actually not alone at all. That other beings are here with me. But I've just separated myself in an alternate dimension in my mind composed of nothing but FEAR, that I don't even see REALITY - but only see what the fear makes me FEEL.

But I mean I CHOSE to separate myself from life, from reality, by participating in and defining myself in and as this point of fear in the mind. By even creating some sort of personality design out of it, believing the experience and the thoughts to be who I truly am. I chose to not stand here, in equality and togetherness with life as the beings around me, but to rather make everything about ME in the mind. Only MY existence. Saying basically that 'I don't care about anything or anyone other than ME'. As long as I am alright and as long as nothing bad happens to ME. A complete obsession with ME ME ME, and fuck everybody else.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as this mind programming of ultimate self-interest as this intense experience of fear connected with these panicky thoughts of 'but what about me?' and 'what will happen to ME!' -- wherein, at the end of the day, I will always only worry or care about myself in and as the I of consciousness, in separation of all of existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this experience of intense fear and panic, connected with thoughts of 'whats going to happen to me?!' is who I really am -- that this is my actual voice inside myself  -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it is just a mind programming of and as separation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to separate myself from all of existence as me by choosing to go into and participate in and define myself in and as this programming of panic and fear and worry about myself --- instead of seeing and realizing what I am doing as extreme self-interest, and rather worrying about all of existence as me and so standing and realizing myself in and as equality and togetherness

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to worry about and concern myself with the fate of all of existence in oneness and equality and realize that what happens to others happens to me as existence -- and so to not accept this experience of fear and panic wherein i separate myself from all of existence and seclude and isolate myself into this little tiny bubble of 'self-awareness' in and as the mind, feeling all alone in and as fear

I forgive myself that i have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I am not actually alone or isolated or separated but that I just never cared enough about other beings in oneness and equality with myself to see and realize it -- as I've always only really cared and worried about ME, as in MY survival and comfort and experiences and fate and safety

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that real safety and comfort and security only exists if it's for ALL in oneness and equality -- and that as long as I am only worried and concerned about ME in and as the I of consciousness, as MY 'survival', I'll always actually end up feeling fearful as in unsafe and uncomfortable and alone and isolated and abandoned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this point of absolute self-interest and to believe that this is who I really am because it's what exists inside and as me -- and because it's what I accepted and allowed to exist in and as me

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that if anything it's just based on misguidedness and illusions - because if I realized how the mind really works and what real safety and security is, then I would not be participating in this programming, but I'd worry about all of existence and work on creating a world that is best for all in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in any way even consider believing the illusions in and of this mind programming - that somehow I am just keeping myself safe and just looking out for me -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that if anything, I actually end up feeling even more unsafe, as in fearful and separated and isolated and alone -- and that to create real safety, is not through participating in FEAR, but through actually caring about and considering my environment, as all of existence as me, and so actually creating and establishing a 'safe' environment, that is best for everyone --- because at the end of the day, fear only creates fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a reality of FEAR by participating in FEAR in and as the belief that I am just trying to create 'safety' for myself -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it's actually all in reverse and that what I am busy creating is separation, isolation, abandonment, aloneness as that is what I am busy participating in

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to, rather than thinking and worrying about ME, to instead think and worry about EXISTENCE -- and so include 'all' in and as 'me' -- and so within and as that 'worry' I'm not just sort of losing myself in an experience of fear, but am rather practically looking at what needs to happen or what I need to do to support all of existence and create a world that is best for all as me

I forgive myself that I've never accepted and allowed myself to recognize 'all' in and as 'me' and so to worry about 'all' in and as 'me' -- actually considering all of existence when I consider 'myself', rather than existing in separation

When and as I see this mind programming come up in me, where I go into this intense point of fear and I feel like I am small and tiny inside myself just in this point of fear and panic of being so worried about and thinking about myself and my fate and survival and fearful that something might happen to me --- then I stop and I breathe, and I see and realize and understand that even though it FEELS like this is the 'real me' because it is basically the epitome of consciousness, as this intensified and compressed energy of fear in the deepest part of me -- it's actually a mind consciousness system program that's the illusion of safety and security and comfort wherein i essentially believe that I am 'just looking out for myself' and 'just trying to keep myself safe'

where I see and realize and understand that real safety or security will not come about through participating in fear and that if anything, by participating in fear and panic, I'm actually creating the opposite of safety and security - as separation, isolation, abandonment and aloneness --- and that real safety and security is through considering and 'worrying' about all of existence, and placing all of existence first, making sure that I am actually physically creating a world that is best for all of existence, where safety and security are a real actual reality

I see and realize and understand that real safety and security comes about through standing as all of existence and considering all of existence as me, where there is no separation between 'me' and 'existence'

I see and realize and understand that this mind programming of intense fear and self-interest isn't really who I am but more just something I've been duped into -- wherein I am not being aware or am not considering or seeing what I am actually busy creating by participating in it - because I never understood the mind or who I really am as I never took responsibility for myself as existence --- and that if anything, I've just been a puppet in and of the mind, essentially powering the unified mind consciousness system, and have never existed as who I really am as existence itself in oneness and equality

I commit myself to worry and care about all of existence and to stand as all of existence as me and to live 'safety' and 'security' in terms of worrying about and concerning myself with what's actually practically needed to create a physical world that's best for all -- wherein safety and security are actually REAL for all of existence

I commit myself to, rather than making myself really tiny and small in and as this alternate dimension in the mind of fear and panic in and as the I of consciousness -- to rather make myself BIG and expand myself in terms of standing as all of existence and realizing all of existence as me, and taking responsibility for all of existence as me and for 'looking out for' and 'taking care of' all of existence as me

I commit myself to actively work on creating and developing real safety and security in and as this physical existence -- to live in such a way where I consider all of existence as me and am a living example of what life on earth should be and of who we really are as beings -- living in the name of all of existence in oneness and equality

I commit myself to live the words safety and security in a way that is real and practical and considers all of existence as me -- and in a way that will therefore expel fear




www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.destonians.com
www.eqafe.com

To Be Genuine

This is a continuation of my previous post "To Accept Failure"

I've always thought of myself as a very genuine person. Someone who does her best to be open and honest and straightforward. Who doesn't harbor nasty thoughts about others and who can be trusted. This is who I 'genuinely' believed I was as a person. But with the support of my body, I realized that the reality was quite the opposite. With the support of my body, meaning that it's only cause I noticed this weird pimple, but-not-quite-a-pimple, looking thing on my left upper leg today and then looked into the related mind-point of it that this realization opened up. The realization that 'I am not genuine AT ALL'.

That in fact, all of my being 'genuine', and 'open' and 'honest' and 'trustworthy', has actually always been based on one singular point within myself. That point being the 'desire to be a good person'. And if there is one thing that is extremely disingenuous or that cause one to be disingenuous, it's that. The desire to be a good person, so that my soul may go to heaven after I die. That's what it comes down to.

Where, I am not open with others because I truly care about them. I am not honest or kind or understanding because I truly care about others. My real motivation is this one point inside me that everything sort of revolves around. 'Please God I want to be a 'good person' so that I may be rewarded in the end.' And that one point existing within me basically makes everything I do, no matter how 'good' or 'right' it all may seem, completely disingenuous and deceptive.

Because, when I am interacting and communicating and hanging out with other people, I am not truly WITH them, with my presence and awareness and full being in that moment, connecting with that person, and expressing who I am, all of me, in and as that one moment. No, I am actually in some alternate dimension in the back of my mind thinking about 'my soul' and 'my future' and 'after I die' and 'I just want to be good' and 'I hope I go to heaven'. Where, it's all truly about ME, ME, ME and whether my dear little soul will be saved in the end. Always really looking out for number one.

So obviously, when I realized this, it was quite a shock actually. Cause I truly believed I am a 'genuine person' lol. Turns out I'm actually quite deceptive, self-interested, manipulative, self-involved and abusive. Hiding behind these lies I tell myself about who I am so that I can keep that feeling of 'hope' alive, that all will be well for me in the end. That 'I'll get to go to heaven in the end cause I'm a good person'. Not actually LIVING the word GENUINE, but more BELIEVING that I am this word, so I can feel good. I mean it's the ultimate self-interest. The ultimate deception. I'm like the last person who deserves to 'go to heaven', turns out.

So, what does it really mean to be 'genuine', and to live GENUINE as a living word? It means to basically let go of FEAR. Cause fear is where self-interest starts. And just like the 'self-interest programming', I've also copied the 'fear programming' from my family. It's again going back to times of war. Times where my ancestors went through horrible things, experienced lack and loss and many things that made them go into this sense of fear and panic as the survival mind. You know, that point where you just want to SURVIVE, and all you can think of is yourself and just finding some point of safety and comfort for yourself. That's what war does. It drives people into ultimate self-interest through ultimate fear as SURVIVAL.

It creates that attitude of 'I must build walls around me to protect myself and my possessions. I cannot ever truly relax or be open or let my walls down because this world is a dangerous place that I must always protect myself from.' An attitude which I then copied from my family without question. Where even now, long after the war, I am living that same mind-set of 'Cannot relax. Must keep my walls up to protect myself and survive.'

But I mean fear is no excuse. It never was. Because war is only the manifested consequence of allowing fear to create division and separation and self-interest. And so the snake eats its own tail. So to be genuine is to find ways to, REGARDLESS of fear and panic, relax, and be open and unconditional. To live the SOLUTION. The solution to end all war, rather than recycling the problems over and over and over again through FEAR.






www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.destonians.com
www.eqafe.com

LIFE in the DARKNESS

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Pain of Living"

So these two moles on my arm that I am having checked out. When I look into it for myself in terms of what is there, I can see that there is a 'system' there. A 'deep' system, of lots of anger and disempowerment. Anger at feeling disempowered. And it's become this 'personality design' within and as me. Something that exists on that 'deeper level' that's always sort of there but that I haven't been able to quite pinpoint, because it's always been so much just 'me'.

And I mean with seeing the extent of this system, it wouldn't surprise me that it turns out to be cancer lol. I mean there is just a LOT of anger there. A lot of suppressed anger, and even almost this point of having decided that I am going to die, in a way. Like just because I am so angry, there is a decision there that I'm just going to die or something. Die out of spite, basically. Not that I've ever been 'suicidal' in that sense, or have had thoughts of wanting to die in any way. The anger is more like I feel so angry, so seething and furiated, because of feeling SO disempowered, that it feels as though my only point of 'power' has been that one 'decision' of 'ok then I will just die'. To take the anger out on myself within the decision that I'm going to die.  That I will hold myself in the point of anger as though I am actually already dead. Already not really living. Already living the point of 'death'.

Enveloped by darkness, standing in a point of 'nothingness' and 'emptiness'. Because everything else about this world and reality scares me and makes me feel disempowered. And I don't really know how to live and exist in this world without feeling that way. And it angers me. Quite a lot, evidently. I just haven't been very aware of the anger there. I've been aware of the fear, yes. Of all the insecurity and the feeling disempowered. That, I am always aware of. But then anger I am only now becoming aware of. So maybe from that perspective it is specific that I am now having these moles checked out, for me to start really becoming aware of the programming and systems connected with them. Being just lots of FEAR and ANGER.

For me to start assisting and supporting myself to change this personality design, because clearly it is not best for me. It's always made me feel as though I am not really 'here' in this world. Always in some form of inner conflict. Like, I can see this world with my eyes, but on the inside I cannot relate and cannot connect and feel as though in a sense I am already dead. Like here's no real life in me to connect with the 'life' that I am seeing in and as this world.  I have been existing in this world, but have never actually lived. I have existed in and as death. And within that essentially living the decision that I'm probably going to have an early death.

Because to tell the truth, death has felt like a sort of 'comfort' to me lol. At least I am realizing now. As in the point of 'death', of emptiness, darkness and nothingness has been the only thing that has in any way felt 'stable' to me. Something that I can 'control'. Something that doesn't scare me necessarily, that doesn't trigger fear and disempowerment within me. Like, yes it may be darkness and emptiness and nothingness, but at least it doesn't make me feel all unstable, scared and disempowered like just about everything in this world does. And it's the point of anger, of 'standing still' in and as 'death' within myself, that's the ONE singular point wherein I feel like I actually exist, as weird and contradicting as that may sound. The anger/darkness is a form of 'stability'. A point of 'here-ness'. Like a 'table' that I can come back to. Like 'oh yes I am here. This is where I exist'.

And in a way it is a sort of realizing that 'death' is 'life'. That they are one and the same thing. They're both just 'here'. There's death and life, and then there's the mind. So in a way death/life is LIFE as HERE and the mind is DEATH. Because it's the mind that makes me lose myself. It's the mind that creates illusions, which trigger emotions like fear, which makes me lose myself, and lose my 'here-ness' and my stability - and makes me feel, and be, effectively 'dead', as in unable to connect or relate to what is HERE as reality. Unable to see myself in what is HERE.

So maybe it's not such a bad thing to want to be 'dead'. The anger, yes, that's a problem, and is a consequence of having so much FEAR. And is showing me I need to start really taking responsibility for all my fears. Can't just be allowing myself to 'lose myself', but I must rather realize that there is a 'table' that's here for me to always come back to. There is an actual stability, a 'here-ness' within and as me. That darkness, that 'nothingness'/'emptiness', that's real. That's the real me. I am not ACTUALLY 'lost'. The lostness is an illusion fabricated by the mind through its many creative and ingenious ways to trigger FEAR. Through THINKING, which I do a lot of lol.

I've always been a 'thinker'. So yes, quite problematic lol. And it's always been so casually pointed out to me, that 'oh I'm a thinker'. Like it's something that's Ok. Like it's not hugely problematic in terms of how much power I give away to the mind through the act of thinking, to the point where I would eventually believe myself to be truly 'lost' within and through FEAR. Like, no, it's not Ok to be a 'thinker'. You should really STOP thinking. Stop giving all that power away to the mind. You just make yourself feel disempowered and angry and feel lost within it all. Better to just be HERE. In the darkness. In breath. There where I can be certain that I exist. Where I sit at the table of existence, in and as life, and in and as death. Where there is no fear and no anger, and no thoughts. Where there is no MIND.

The Internal War of Manipulation

This is a continuation of my previous post "I don't Understand it, therefore it isn't Real"


If I had a 'middle name', it would probably be something like 'inner turmoil' lol. Just feeling kind of 'trapped' and 'lost' in my own inner 'experiences'. And I always assumed it must be because maybe I just 'don't love myself' or maybe even 'hate myself', because lots of these inner experiences were quite emotionally charged. Lots of despair, sadness, depression, lostness, powerlessness, resistance and so on.

And as a result I just overall didn't seem like a very 'stable' kind of person. Being prone to making decisions I'd later regret or feel ashamed about, easily feeling 'overwhelmed' by 'how I FEEL' and going into high ups and downs of feelings and emotions. I suppose you could also call it 'not having a backbone', being 'spineless', 'not having character'. But what it is, is basically living according to feelings and emotions, rather than living based on principles and common sense.

And that's something that goes back all the way to childhood. How I was 'raised' and how I learned to 'be' by example of my parents. My parents were people who didn't actually communicate much. Not with words anyways lol. They 'communicated' through emotions and feelings. And that's something that went back all the way to their childhood as well. Where, they never learned how to EXPRESS themselves. How to communicate who they are and what they want, through WORDS. Because their parents also didn't provide the space for it. It was more a type of 'be quiet and just do what you're told' kind of upbringing. So when you cannot express yourself in WORDS, you tend to find different ways of expressing yourself - of 'communicating' with your environment in a way that may more or less get you the things you want.

You learn to get what you want without being direct and straightforward about it. It's called 'manipulation' lol. And that's where your emotions and feelings come in. They come in when you realize as a child that the main motivating factor behind your parents' decisions, is their feelings and emotions. Where they place a lot of trust in how they FEEL. They don't necessarily care about 'what's best' and they don't necessarily 'feel like' investigating or asking themselves what would be the best thing to do for the child. Doesn't mean they're 'bad' either! It just means that when it comes to making decisions, there isn't much 'self-questioning' involved. More an acceptance that, 'if it feels right, it must be right'.

So you realize that your parents don't actually listen to the words that you speak. They only 'listen' to your emotions and feelings. It seems to be the only thing they really respond to. So, if you want to get anything from them, it means you need to know how to 'push the right buttons'. You need to become proficient in the art of manipulating through emotions and feelings. Emotions and feelings needs to become your 'primary language'. Becoming 'sensitive' to how people respond within their mind to whatever emotion or feeling you are displaying. And as a child, you are very good at it. It almost literally feels like you are 'pushing buttons'. Because, well, that's what you're doing and that's WHY you're doing it. Why you're using emotions and feelings.

The 'problem' comes in when you yourself grow up into 'adulthood'. Because the mind does a fascinating thing where it creates these 'layers'. That's why when you think back on your childhood, you see the memories more like you're watching a movie. There's a separation there. Why the 'adult you' feels so different and disconnected from the 'child you'. And why, if you were to look at these different 'stages' or 'phases' of your life, it's almost as though they exist in total isolation from each other. As though your 'growing up' almost happened at the flick of a switch. Like, *flicks switch*, 'oh you're in puberty now', *flicks switch*, 'oh now you're an adult'. And your memories of 'back when you were a teenager' almost feel like you're talking about a person that isn't 'you'. Let alone when you think back on 'when you were a child'.

So you tend to 'forget' that way back when you were a child, 'emotions' and 'feelings' wasn't something that 'just came naturally'. That you haven't always been this way. That these emotions and feelings inside you are more a consequence of poor 'child-rearing' that goes back generations. Where, somewhere along the line, maybe people went through something really traumatic, like war for example, which creates a real PHYSICAL instability, lostness and chaos. And something like that can have a great impact on the internal experience of a person. Of just people becoming more intensely afraid, emotional and reactive. I mean, war changes people. It causes people to become more isolated within themselves, more 'withdrawn'. They just don't feel 'safe' anymore to live and relax and express.

I mean, I can see how that can lead to a diminishment in actual verbal communication, and would cultivate a more emotionally reactive human. If I'd have to try and 'trace back' where this misalignment in raising children more based on feelings and emotions rather than principles and common sense may have occurred. And why it is perhaps that my parents, and their parents before them, are not used to communicating much and are rather more withdrawn, shy and reserved.

In a sense I guess you could even say that 'emotional manipulation' is a consequence and result of 'war', just like how FBI/CIA type operations are also a result of war. Where things become more 'covert', more 'hidden'. Within 'Central Intelligence Agencies', that are designed to essentially 'manipulate'. Because people are so traumatized by war that they become 'introverted' or 'inverted'. They hide things, cause they don't feel 'safe' anymore. There's no more openness, no more freedom and no more trust. And so we all end up manipulating each other. We all learn to hide and not trust each other. Because there's no 'open communication'.

So I mean, we were fucked from the start. We never stood a chance. Maybe at some point in this world, human beings raised their children based on principles and common sense. But war and trauma over time have eroded that. Where now, all you are born into is manipulation as emotions and feelings. And maybe there are still beings in this world who do raise their children through open communication, common sense and principles. But I'd say that war has influenced my generational lineage and has in a way 'broken' us as humans. And so I grew up knowing ONLY manipulation as emotions and feelings. And never even considered that there could be another way.

I was STILL, in my life, living out the war that my ancestors went through, as experiences of instability, lostness and chaos. Living out an 'internal war' of feeling destabilized and lost within emotions and feelings. Never realizing or seeing or understanding that this whole 'I don't accept myself' or 'I don't love myself' is more just a problem of defining myself according to emotions and feelings, than having to do with actual self-acceptance or self-love. And more importantly, it's a consequence of having FORGOTTEN that all these emotions and feelings inside of me are things I just cultivated when I was little to try and speak my parents' language so that I could get what I wanted from them. I just went into 'forgetfulness' and at some point started believing that it is 'me'. Just like my parents did I guess.

Being UNDERSTANDING when all you see is PROBLEMS

This is a continuation of my previous post "In my Image and Likeness"

Two things I have never very much lived in my life is UNDERSTANDING and ACCEPTANCE. To, when it comes to ‘problems’ and ‘issues’, shortcomings and flaws, be instead rather judgmental and reactive. Something I realized is that, when I’m looking at this world, and within myself into my own mind, looking at human beings’ behavior as well as my own – even though I may try so damn hard to be and live and exist in ways that is best – the reality is that all I can see is PROBLEMS. All I see is all the ways we’re NOT living as the best version of ourselves. How I’m not living the best version of myself. And how us human beings as a whole are not living the best version of ourselves.

And I’ve asked myself, ‘how can I be more understanding, of myself and others?’ But all that comes up is that I just can’t be. That, this world is fucked, we are fucked, I am fucked. We’re all fucked. I mean look at us. Just the way we exist in our minds. The DELIBERATE evil and the harm that we do to one another. The ignorance we exist in. All I am left with within myself when looking at it all, is just an ANGER. An anger that it is this way. An anger that things are not already ‘perfect’ – the way I KNOW we can be. It’s like a deep disappointment, that’s turned into anger, with our inability to live up to my expectations.

It’s like the expectations, as the ‘image of perfection’ I know we can be and achieve, is the bone I’m not willing to let go of. Almost like I’m thinking and believing that ‘as long as I keep my eyes on that image of perfection and stay focused on that, it will be our motivation to get us there’. It’s kind of like a delusion, to have that expectation and to actually believe that it works that way. It’s delusional from the perspective that what is missing is an ACCEPTANCE and an UNDERSTANDING that, well simply put, we are NOT that image of perfection. That the reality of who we are as beings is that we ARE ‘imperfect’. That we’ve got all these flaws and shortcomings, so very clearly shown within and as ‘life on earth’. We are NOWHERE NEAR ‘perfect’. In fact, that ‘perfection’ doesn’t exist. That ‘potential’, the ‘perfect image’, it doesn’t exist. It’s just not who and how and what we are. At all. And it’s like I am basically trying to find and see something that isn’t there. Which would obviously result in massive disappointment.

The reality is, that we ARE fucked. We are FUCKED beyond belief. There is no ‘hope’. There is no ‘glimmer of light’. There is no ‘potential’. And that’s not me being pessimistic. It’s a FACT. The ‘perfect image of potential’, that’s what only exists in my mind. It’s simply not HERE. It’s been something I’ve been hoping for, fighting for, searching for, like the light in the tunnel. But it’s like, the closer I’m moving towards that light – or think I’m moving – the more the ‘darkness’ seems to be moving in on me. Because the light is an illusion. It isn’t really there, and I will never really reach it.

And I’ve effectively been chasing that light within my mind my entire life. Thinking/believing that it must be real, because I can see it in my mind. Positively duped. Duped with the CURSE of knowing that we need to change, and even seeing a solution, as the ‘image of perfection’, but being absolutely SABOTAGED and DISEMPOWERED in being able to do anything because of how the ‘solution’ has been defined in the illusion in the mind. The illusion in the mind where everything is just images and pictures. It’s not ‘real’. It’s like these very limited, superficial ‘concepts’ of what and how things are. Like a comic book, or a movie. Where everything is reduced to a single image. A snapshot. Everything is ‘represented’ and ‘captured’ within an image. But an image doesn’t show you the intricacies of reality. It’s not ‘alive’. It’s more like a one-dimensional, limited, presumptuous ‘idea’ of what reality is. Like being stuck in a picture frame, experiencing, seeing and perceiving reality on that superficial level of the picture in the frame. It’s just literally ‘not alive’, therefore it is not ‘real’.

And the thing with my mind, is that it’s full of pictures. My mind is like a television, or a comic book. Always spinning ‘stories’ through pictures. Presenting me with ‘ideas’ of what and how reality is, where I then am actually very blind as to what reality really is. More seeing things in a very one-dimensional, superficial, and kind of ‘story-telling’ way, also seeing myself as just a character in a story that must in a way be watched like a movie for it to be ‘real’, or believed/perceived to be real. Many, many stories I’ve spun for myself, in my mind as my walking television.

And it’s definitely coming from and based on a desire to create ‘more’ of reality than what is HERE. To have that polarity of ‘the light’ on the one hand and ‘the darkness’ on the other hand, rather than just being HERE. But to basically have that ‘movie-plot’ within the mind wherein there’s ALWAYS that ‘epic battle’ between the dark and the light. And that’s why my point is that I pretty much just need to relax lol.

Becoming aware of my ANGER

This is a continuation of my previous post "Living Balance"

Did I say anger? I meant HATE. Growing older, into more of an ‘aDULLt’, I’m not so much aware of it now actually – how I used to in fact HATE everything and everyone. I couldn’t STAND when people expressed themselves. I couldn’t STAND myself when I expressed myself. So I never expressed myself. And still don’t. But have long forgotten that I don’t express myself because of all this HATE within me.

The hate came out particularly nasty when I became a teenager. I became a little hateful, judgmental demon. And in my early adolescence it just became more and more compounded within me. The absolute HATE of EVERYONE. Just a ball of hate I was. An interesting thing then happened into early adulthood, in that I became more POSITIVE. And suppressed all the hate that was really there and had been there since almost the beginning. Suddenly I ‘care’ about people and about relationships and suddenly things are ‘positive’. Which has been the greatest deception ever because lo and behold, the HATE is still actually all there – just on dimensions and levels within myself that are hidden from my immediate awareness.

But that hate, actually originated within FEAR. From the fact that I was dealing with massive, intense and incredible amounts of fear within myself, which I didn’t know what to do with. Fear and disempowerment, a lot of it, on such deep levels. Hate was just a particular energy that seemed to allow me to take ALL that fear and disempowerment inside myself and sort of channel or compensate or transform it into something that I could ‘control’, in a way. Something I could direct like arrows and bullets, towards other people, and to myself. It made me feel like I had a sense of ‘power’, rather than just feeling disempowered and afraid all the time.

I mean obviously this is what then caused a great problem. This ‘illusion of power’.  This REACTING to fear with HATE, rather than RESPONDING to it with self-honesty. Since, HATE is now the manifested problem in this physical world and reality. HATE is the human condition. This desire to destroy and attack and abuse and diminish through real-hate-I-on-ships. This taking out our ‘frustrations’ onto one another. Because deep down we actually feel extremely fearful and diminished and disempowered and small but don’t know how to deal with our fears effectively so we take the ‘easy route’ into REACTIONS, like anger and hate.

While, what we should be doing is turning inward and just being real and honest with ourselves about what we’re ACTUALLY going through, no matter how overwhelming or lost or confused we may be feeling. Showing ourselves some LOVE lol. As in some attention and support and care, urging ourselves to open up about what’s going on inside instead of suppressing it all just cause we think it’s too much. Allowing ourselves to stand in and as the fear and the confusion and overwhelmedness. And saying to ourselves “it’s OK. I’m here. It’s alright that you’re going through this. We’ll find a way through.”

And to at least, when we do go into reactions of anger or hate, see them as flag points to urge ourselves to, instead of lashing out, look inward to the point of fear and disempowerment it’s originating from, to work on releasing the source of the problem and so actually live a solution, rather than living in suppression and making everything worse. Cause at the end of the day, even though it may seem like a ‘quick fix’ or a ‘quick route’ to ‘power’, and a way to ‘deal with’ fear and disempowerment, anger and hate is NOT a solution. We need to start taking the difficult route of self-honesty and self-responsibility. Cause we will literally self-destruct if we don’t.

The ONE person your mind is built around

I remember that I believe it was Jack who once said that your mind is essentially sort of built around just one person, and that if you can let go of the relationship with that one person then you'll essentially let go of your entire mind consciousness system. And that it won't be the person you'd suspect.

So when I looked into this point, I realized that there was actually someone when I was very young and in my first years of school. She was a nun who was in charge of the playground and the lunch room and the after school daycare sort of thing. And she was MEAN lol. Like she oftentimes seemed to just really enjoy punishing children and embarrassing them and she could just get so pissed and just mean. And I did have the feeling that she just didn't like me specifically very much. That there was something about me that she just 'didn't like' or maybe even 'couldnt stand'.

And that 'thing about me' from what I can tell looking back, was that I was kind of a very 'expressive' child. In that, when I got excited, I couldnt really contain my joy and excitement. I didn't have much 'boundaries' or 'shame' about me lol. And for her, being a nun, I can imagine why and how that particular expression wouldn't have sat well with her. As in I would have represented everything that she had learned to suppress within herself. In terms of for instance sexuality, having that freedom of self-expression, of expressing without boundaries and shame. Cause after all, isn't religion all about sexual suppression and just the suppression of your whole self underneath all these moralities and rules and beliefs and shit? Cause you're basically living for the afterlife and you're supposed to not actually live while you're actually alive, so that you can get into the afterlife... or something like that.

Anyways, even though at first glance she didn't seem to have played that big of a role in my life, since she wasn't really part of my 'primary' environment and relationships, she did actually imprint within me quite a bit. In that, I can see how it was in relation to her, and as a result of noticing her reactions to me, that I started to suppress that 'free and wild expression' and started to feel like I should feel ashamed about it and should not be expressing myself in that way.

And that I then, from that relationship, essentially developed an entire mind as personality designs around the 'suppression of my expression', which has been what my mind is essentially about. Like the sort of 'core design' of my mind system. The suppression of my self-expression, and most specifically related to sex and sexuality. Just a whole bunch of suppression lol.

In a way I even BECAME a 'nun' within myself, in terms of being just so sexually repressed and existing in so much shame about my sexuality and self-expression that I'd have issues expressing myself sexually at all, in terms of masturbation and sex. So it looks like I essentially copied and 'took on' that point that existed within her, of and as the 'suppression of self-expression'. And, not just 'suppression' but also 'punishment'. The 'punishment of self-suppression'.

So it's just interesting, this particular design of having this one person in your life, whom you're not even necessarily related to or have developed any particular relationship with, but who has basically primarily and almost single-handedly contributed to you developing a particular mind consciousness system and becoming something and someone that is like the farthest away from who you really are lol. I mean, go figure.

And an important question in all this is as well: How and why is it that I could go from being absolute freedom and boundlessness of expression to absolute suppression?? Like, what was it about that one relationship with that one person, where let's be honest I didn't even really create that much of a relationship with them, that could 'hook' into me to that extent that it would essentially make me abandon all of who I really am?

And I mean for me the point I'm seeing is 'fear' and 'authority'. In that I was pretty afraid of her and did perceive her to have quite the authority over me, and so did care about her 'opinion' of me since it was very much connected to my survival lol. Cause like, if she didn't like you, she could make your life hell. And I really didn't feel like getting humiliated in front of the entire school and having her wrath come down upon me like that. But then, maybe I should have just been OK with that, and should have just embraced it, placing who I really am first, before this fear of her 'authority'. And so expressing and being and honoring myself no matter what.

I mean clearly I just didn't care all that much about who I really am, or value myself all that much, if I so easily just suppressed myself, all for FEAR. I mean, what abandonment of myself. Which, in itself, was also already preprogrammed in a way in terms of the relationship to 'fear' that I had already come to develop even earlier on in my life. Don't you just love the mind??!

I Can't Do This

This is a continuation of my previous post "Who am I as a COACH?"

I’ve come to realize that there is this programming within my mind of believing and perceiving myself to be disempowered in relation to the mind. That I am just unable and incapable of really moving and directing and changing particular points, that ‘I just can’t do it’. That when it comes to fears and emotions, but mostly the thoughts connected with them, I feel quite disempowered and incapable.

And it seems that mostly what my problem is and has been, is that I kind of expect myself to ‘easily’ transcend or ‘let go’ of these sort of mind points, and then I get frustrated with myself and go into a ‘giving up’ and a sort of ‘laziness’ when it doesn’t seem to be that easy, telling myself that ‘I guess I just can’t do it’. When there is ‘something else’ blocking me and getting in my way, as this ‘wall’ that I keep bumping into. Something that seems to be a bit more ‘stubborn’ or more ‘ingrained’ within me in some way.

A ‘deeper design’ which, if I’m honest with myself, I’ve actually for the most part been suppressing and hiding from myself. So this ‘I can’t do this’-programming is more a consequence of my expectation to sort of be ‘perfect’. Not really recognizing or realizing that when it comes to the mind, sometimes it just takes a little bit of a process to sort of ‘unearth’ a programming. To really understand it in a way that supports me to actually transcend it. I mean especially when it comes to these kind of things that I’ve been suppressing my entire life. Stuff that exist on an unconscious or deeper level.

Cause the thing is, that when I go into this ‘I can’t do this’-programming, I end up going into and developing coping mechanisms wherein I try to escape and hide from all the fears and the thoughts and the experiences that I now believe I cannot change or transcend and am disempowered by. And that’s where I REALLY make myself stagnate and become ‘stuck’.

While, the solution is really just a simple ‘shift’ in perspective. From EXPECTING myself to ‘just transcend the points already’ and ‘be perfect’, to TRUSTING that, with the proper tools – like self-forgiveness and living words – I can do it. It may not be immediate and it may take me a bit of time to really investigate and understand and find the point of ‘direction’, but as long as I apply myself and apply my tools, I will get there.

AND to also be careful to not allow myself to go into those coping mechanisms, and be more aware of when and how I have a tendency to go into them as that’s the real trap of disempowerment. And be more aware of, when the coping mechanisms do come up, where they’re actually coming from as the ‘I can’t do this’-programming, and correct myself in those moments – moving from EXPECTATION to SELF-TRUST.