Tuesday, December 31, 2019

To Transcend the Mind you have to Walk Through it

This is a continuation of my previous post "To be Responsible is to ACT"

Even when you don't know whether you're 'wrong' or 'right', you have to just 'trust yourself'. I've been going through a bit of 'darkness' lately, basically because I wasn't 'trusting myself'. I was existing in 'doubt' of 'who I am'. And 'doubt' is like this place of 'limbo' in between 'good' and 'evil'. Am I good, or am I evil?!

I mean basically, when you exist in 'doubt', then you CREATE 'good' and 'evil'. So I was seeing all this 'evil' existing inside of me, and I figured I owed it to myself - to my self-honesty - to embrace all of it. To 'walk through it' instead of just suppressing it, which is what had been doing all my life.

And it turns out that it was only by walking through the 'darkness' and embracing all the 'evil', that I learned to trust myself, only to then realize that none of it was actually 'real'. But, it was 'real enough' for me since I had actually created it as an 'alternate reality' within my mind. So, since I had created it, I had to face it.

So if you 'doubt' who you are, then guess what? You get to walk through the 'hell' you've created as you were 'hoping' to be deserving of 'heaven'. Because, there is no 'hope'. Hope is fear, and fear is hell. So if you 'hope', you're going to 'hell' lol.

Self-trust only 'emerged' for me when I went, "alright, I guess I'm evil then", and gave up on 'hope'. When I embraced my deepest, darkest fear. My self-created 'hell'. So unfortunately, I realized, you can't 'transcend' the mind without walking 'through' it. Can't realize that it isn't 'real' without facing all the things you've believed and accepted to be 'real'.

Monday, December 30, 2019

To be Responsible is to ACT

This is a continuation of my previous post "And what if I am a Piece of Shit?"

I always believed that, as long as I don't actually do anything, I can't do anything wrong! lol I was always very afraid of 'failing', of making mistakes, of 'screwing up' and of 'doing the wrong thing' and then later realizing that 'omg, I fucked up!' And that attitude then sort of placed me in a position of looking at all the people who WERE doing things and who WERE expressing themselves, and then playing 'judge'. Judging them for the mistakes or the misguided decisions I saw them make.

Cause now THEY're the 'abusers'. Cause, THEY're the ones doing all the things. Not me though. I'm not hurting a fly! Cause I'm not doing shit lol. I'm just miss goody-two-shoes who never does anything wrong. Just a 'dear little soul', sitting nicely in the corner, 'well-behaved', and never doing anything out of her own 'volition'.

But then, who am I actually living for? Certainly not for me, if I'm not willing to simply take responsibility for my actions, or non-actions. Cause that's what living is, isn't it? What it means to be alive. It's to express yourself and to take responsibility for the consequences of those actions. To stand accountable and responsible. AND to take action to direct things in a way you see is best. I mean if you are really a living being, and you see that things aren't right, then you will act to 'make them right'.

And yeah you might make some mistakes, and you might realize that some things you did were a bit 'misguided'. But that's why you make sure that you do your 'due diligence'. That you investigate and research things before taking action. Don't just act on impulse. Or on your thoughts, feelings or emotions. Just look at what's here, apply common sense, and then act. Even though you may still not have ALL the information. Some things, yeah, you need to realize by doing, and then investigating again. Some things are just a 'learning process'. So, better to ACT and take responsibility for the consequences, than to not do anything at all. At least then you can say, "I've lived."

Sunday, December 29, 2019

And what if I am a Piece of Shit?

This is a continuation of my previous post "To be Self-Honest"

I always felt like a victim of 'strictness' and 'judgment'. Cause, "it makes me feel so bad about myself! So it must be bad!" And all those in my world and reality whom I felt judged or criticized me or pointed out my flaws or suggested that I 'try harder' or 'be better', I would blame for apparently 'abusing me'. For being 'too harsh' and 'inconsiderate' or 'controlling'. For not 'caring' enough about me.

I see now that such was actually the extent of my ego that I would simply invent and use any reason and excuse to not listen and actually consider the words that were spoken to me, which did in fact always hold some 'truth'. I would 'feel offended', making myself all 'sensitive', as though I 'can't handle' any 'harsh truth'. I mean what better way to make sure I never actually change?! By creating a 'personality' out of simply not listening to anything that might in any way show me what I'm accepting and allowing.

If anything what I have realized is that the ONLY thing that will in fact support me to change, is to be 'strict' and 'harsh' with myself. To stop 'sugar-coating' and beating around the bush and being all 'careful'. To stop assuming that I am 'too sensitive' to handle anything 'harsh'. I mean fuck, if I am truly 'life' itself, then I should be able to handle EVERYTHING. So any idea about being 'emotionally sensitive' is just an excuse to continue kidding myself and not take responsibility for all the actual SHIT that exists within and as me. And truly, none of it is in any way pretty, or nice, or 'good'. The reality is that I am an abuser, a deceiver, consumed by self-interest and devoid of care. A true 'piece of shit'. And the only way to change any of that, is to first of all get real with myself and stop pretending that I am just a 'dear little soul'. To step out of the position of the victim and stand in the point of the creator. As in, the one who's created this disgrace of a reality. The one who's responsible for all this, and the one who needs to stop it.

Friday, December 27, 2019

To be Self-Honest

So how about we just assume that I have 'failed'? Because, this 'fear of failing' point is really the one thing that makes me go into ego.  As I then go and compare myself to others and then within that comparison there is always going to be a 'winner' and a 'loser' and I am always going to want to be the 'winner' and fear of being the 'loser'. And I mean it's to basically just not go into comparison at all.

To just be honest with me. Comparison must not exist within me at all anymore. Because what comparison then also does is it makes me doubt myself. Because, oh well other people don't seem to be doing what I'm doing so what if I'm 'wrong'. Cause it brings in this dimension of fear of being 'wrong', fear of being 'laughed at' and 'mocked' because oh look at Kim what is she doing. She's clearly not where we are and she's still there while we are over here. And omg haha Kim is such a loser.

So it just makes me doubt myself in what I'm doing. In my self-honesty. Cause now basically I am afraid of being self-honest cause well what if my self-honesty is - in comparison with others - not good enough? What if my self-honesty is inferior to others' self-honesty? What if I go and be honest about whats actually going on within myself, what actually exists within me, and the things that I'm really looking at inside of myself - and it turns out that 'wow', you know, I'm actually so much more deceptive and dishonest than others. Or, that all this stuff, others already walked through a long time ago, and here I am still sort of wading through this shit. Like, really what am I doing? Am I really THIS slow? THIS incompetent?

But then, that's self-honesty isn't it? It ain't pretty, but it's what's here. And what does it matter how it 'compares'? If you're really self-honest, then you don't care about that. Then the whole world can see 'who you are', all of you, and you will just stand.

Thursday, December 26, 2019

Who you Really Are

This is a continuation of "How Honorable are you?"

So I mean, the problems are immense and immeasurable. When you start lifting up that 'carpet', there is just all the shit that you've been hiding from yourself, been 'blissfully unaware' of. And it is VAST.

And I've found that when I am seeing it, the 'real shit', I end up sort of staring lifelessly at it, not really knowing what to do with myself, other than just forcing myself to really SEE that which I've been dishonest about all this time. And obviously feeling more and more ashamed and regretful of what I've allowed.

Because yes the reality is that I AM an abuser. I AM deceitful, dishonest, dishonorable, self-interested, self-involved and every evil thing imaginable. That's me! And so yes, the only 'honorable' thing I can do at this point is to just not look away, but to at least be honest with myself about who I 'really am'.

But, at the end of the day, this is no solution either lol. I can keep 'feeling bad' and 'crying' over spilled milk, and yes at least I'm not pretending anymore so that's 'something'. At least that means that I CAN be honest and 'real'. But it doesn't mean that I am 'changed'.

Actual change can only happen when you are face to face with the evil that is you, and you forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for living that evil, for believing that it is 'you', for having 'become' it. And for believing that it is truly who you are and 'all that you are', rather than realizing that it is a 'programming' of 'energy' which, yes, you've accepted, but isn't who you really are.

There is actually 'more' to you. You've just never allowed yourself to see it because you accepted yourself as this programming. As this shameful, unworthy, inferior version of 'you'.

Tuesday, December 24, 2019

How Honorable are you?

This is a continuation from my previous post "To Love is to be Limited"

And that's why relationships can't be based on 'love'. They have to be an 'agreement'. And an agreement is something you can only make with yourself. I mean, you can 'agree' on something with another person, but at the end of the day you are the one who decides whether it gets honored. So an 'agreement' is really just something wherein you prove how 'honorable' you are.

Where you prove whether you can stop your addictions that cause you to abuse other people and live in a way that is best. And it's in a relationship with another person, where you would live 'love' the most, that the real abusive nature of that 'love' will become apparent, and that you will abuse the most.

It's in a relationship with another person that you will REALLY see yourself - see the real abuse that you've been accepting in the name of 'love'. And where you will then have to make a choice, about 'who you are'. Because when you are standing face to face with you as the 'abuser', you realize that there really is no 'middle way'. You either STOP completely, and be honorable, or you continue lying to yourself and continue hiding the abuse under 'love'.

Because, if you can change yourself in that relationship with that one person, then you can live that change anywhere. Then you will truly have 'changed'. Cause self-change isn't some 'grand' thing that you show to the world. It's something that's actually only real within those closest, most intimate and personal relationships in your reality. Because that's where the 'real you' exists. And where the real you will be 'reflected'.

Monday, December 23, 2019

To Love is to be Limited

this is a continuation of my previous post "Love is an Addiction"

But maybe underneath that 'gullible', 'pacified', 'tractable' and 'agreeable' personality of 'love', there is something quite the reverse. Something 'wild', and 'aware' and 'primitive'. Something that 'bites' lol and that has it's own 'will'. And that won't be 'contained' by 'love' or 'fear'.

Something that is 'without rules'. Like a wild animal. Something that exists 'beyond' this world and that doesn't 'need' anything in and of this world. Something that doesn't follow 'orders', in the form of 'thoughts' and 'feelings'. Something that has no 'limitations' and is without 'definitions'.

Cause honestly, what 'love' really does - the real 'purpose' of 'love' - is that it 'locks you in'. It makes you 'accept' the 'system'. Because you believe that there is some 'greater meaning' to what's here. Something that somehow makes things 'make sense' - even though they don't actually make any sense at all.

Love is the 'reason' that exists in your mind as to 'why' you shouldn't just unconditionally and absolutely give up on everything. Because, you know, "Oh, it's meant to be", or "God put you here for a reason", or "the universe intended for things to be this way". Yeah, there's all some 'greater reason' to why things are fucked up. It isn't just that they're fucked up.

Cause I mean, if it was, well then there was NO WAY in hell that you would ever accept any of this. If it wasn't for that apparent 'greater meaning', you would have long given up on everything and you would have said "FUCK THIS SHIT". But, ah, the suffering we accept in the name of 'love'.

Sunday, December 22, 2019

Love is an Addiction

this is a continuation of my previous post "Love makes Blind"

Love is an addiction. Pure and simple. An addiction to a 'feeling'. A feeling that 'takes you away' from 'here'. It is, just like any other addiction, an escape mechanism. A means to escape reality. To not stand with your both feet firmly on the ground, on the same 'level' as reality.

'Love' is like a cloud that you sit on within yourself and that you allow to take you away, as you 'believe' that 'things will just work out by themselves'. You believe that there's some 'magical force' at work within reality. A 'force' called 'love', which is 'greater' than you and everyone and which in a way 'takes care of things'. It's like a 'cradle' that 'protects' us. And you may not 'see' it physically within reality, but you certainly 'feel' that it exists.

And you trust that 'feeling' to such an extent that you believe it's perfectly fine to sort of 'tune out' of reality and sink back inside of yourself. Because, 'surely everything will be fine'. You believe that your world and reality doesn't really NEED your constant, complete presence, awareness and involvement. Because there's this belief that in a way everything is always 'encased' within a 'cradle' of 'love'. Something that 'holds everything together', like glue.

But then that's also why, when things start to 'fall apart', it comes as such a surprise. The feeling, after all, was telling you that 'things will be fine'. When in reality, clearly, things are not 'fine'. In reality, things did in fact need your constant awareness, presence and involvement. Because, YOU were supposed to be that 'glue' that 'holds everything together' and that 'makes everything work out'.

Friday, December 20, 2019

Love makes Blind

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Standing in the Dark"

Love. Love conquers all. Love always wins. Love is like magic. Love transcends all. Love is the answer. Love is what binds us together. Love is what will save us. Love will keep you safe. As long as there's love, there's hope."Believe in love."

How about, love makes you blind? Love disempowers you. Love makes you gullible, agreeable, and complacent. Love makes you not see reality as it is and therefore makes you place your trust in things that are going to actually end up abusing you and take advantage of you. And obviously you will have 'deserved' it, because you allowed yourself to believe in 'love'.

You allowed yourself to be and become gullible and blind. Believing that 'things will work out in the end', because of 'love'. That people are deep down 'good', because of 'love'. That no matter what challenges you go through and how much you have to suffer, it'll all work itself out in the end, because of 'love'. Because such is the 'power of love'...

You didn't see, or direct, the abuse that has really been going on 'under your very nose', because of 'love'. Because 'love' made you see and perceive things in a 'better light'. It made you perceive people as better than they actually are, and so it made you agree to the abuse that was actually being committed.

Love is truly the most 'evil' thing in the world. And really what is love but a resistance to see reality as it is? To make up 'stories' and 'fairy-tales' where there's things like 'happily ever after' and a 'prince in shining armor' and 'soulmates' and 'magic' and 'meant to be'.

Maybe we should be asking ourselves why 'love' was something that's been so mercilessly 'shoved down our throats' when we were very young. Have a look at EVERY goddamn children's story. It's ALL about 'love'. The 'moral' of every story. As if we 'need' it. But why should we 'need' to be 'convinced' to 'believe' in something? Why can't we just be here and see reality plainly as it is?

Thursday, December 19, 2019

Standing in the Dark

This is a continuation of my previous post "When Reality is Unfair"

So is there light in the darkness? No. Not really lol. Not yet at least. You'll first have to go through your 'trial by fire'. To walk through the darkness to prove that you can face everything and stand. Can you truly face EVERYTHING that you have accepted and allowed? ALL of your consequences. The actual reality of 'you'. That which you've been suppressing for aeons of time.

And most importantly, can you do what's necessary to be done to prove that you have changed in the physical? To prove that you are no longer an abuser of life as directed by the mind, but that you ARE life and act in ways that are best for life.

It's scary. Standing in front of 'change'. Because, things can't be the same anymore. Everything will have to change. So there will be insecurity, and fear, and uncertainty. And that's something you sort of just have to embrace. And accept that these will be your companions for a while. As you walk from the 'old' into the 'new'.

Because you're not going to be following your 'old programming' anymore and you don't yet have a 'new one' in place, it's going to be a little bit like walking in the dark, 'feeling' your way as you go. Creating the 'new' as you go. And all you have as your tools to 'see where you're going' and give yourself direction, is your self-honesty in the moment.

So, you better start trusting yourself lol. Since there's no one who will 'help you out' in the darkness of you. Cause keep in mind, that the mind, and everything in and of this reality has been programmed to be 'against' that darkness.

Wednesday, December 18, 2019

When Reality is Unfair

This is a continuation of my previous post "Anything that's Real, We still need to Create"

And it's safe to say that any reactions you have to ANYTHING whatsoever shows you're not taking responsibility and so aren't HERE. And that things are going to have to happen in your world and reality, for you to REALIZE what you're not taking responsibility for.

And it's going to seem 'unfair' and even 'cruel' or 'merciless'. Because, you're doing all the 'right things', and, you are 'doing your best' to 'be a good person'. BUT there's just that 'one point' that you're not quite wanting to be self-honest about. Your one small 'sin', that doesn't seem like a 'sin' to you. And that's why your reality is going to show you.

It is going to take you to the absolute 'worst' point imaginable, to push you to the point where you 'have to' let go. Where you have no choice but to 'give up'. Cause there's just no way left to turn lol. And all you can do at that point is to try and support yourself to have more or less a 'safe landing' lol To apply self-honesty, and self-responsibility, so that you can realize and see what you need in order to direct what you can.

Cause if you're at that point of physical consequence - you're going to crash lol It is happening. You can just keep the plane more or less 'stable' as it's crashing. And make sure you change, in a way you're never going to allow things to get to that point again.

And don't judge yourself. It's gonna be hard enough without you judging yourself for it. Just accept it lol. It's the point you want to be at and get to. So embrace the things you're going through and realizing and understanding as you get to the point of truly 'letting go'.

Tuesday, December 17, 2019

Anything that's Real, We Still Need to Create

This is a continuation of my previous post "When it's too Late"

I mean sometimes the consequences of your 'too-late-ness' can be tough. REALLY tough. And, anything you don't take responsibility for, will have to become consequences eventually so that you can SEE, at least, that you 'should have' taken responsibility. So that you can LEARN, that your 'default setting' is the mind, which is consequence. And that if you want to start preventing consequence you will need to RADICALLY change. You will need to change every little thing about you.

And the only way to do that, to be 'ahead of the game', is to give up on EVERYTHING lol. To give up on everything you think you 'have' and stand at the point of 'nothingness'. To be nothing. To have nothing. To want nothing. To know that you never actually 'have' anything. And if you want something, then you have to 'create' it, with your bare hands, step by step, until it is unquestioningly and undeniably HERE. Anything that you have not deliberately created yourself, is simply not 'real'.

How can you even 'have' anything in this world, with it being how it is right now? How can anything you 'have' be of any value in this world? We still need to create real VALUE. A value that's based on LIFE. And likewise, anything else that's 'real', we still need to create. Real love, real care, real worth, real connection.

How do you even 'create' those things, in the physical? As long as you do not clearly SEE and KNOW exactly what it means for it to be real, you can assume that it's not. So, you might as well just 'give up' on all the things you believe to be real. At least then you'll have a clear starting point to start CREATING.

Monday, December 16, 2019

When it's Too Late

This is a continuation of my previous post "Life is about Greatness"

You don't want to be at that point of realizing that you've been replaced. It is the greatest, deepest pit of regret and shame you will ever find yourself in. To realize that you were given every opportunity, but you squandered it. Because, you chose to 'fuck around' in the mind. Because there was a point you were just not quite willing to let go of, just yet. Because you thought, "What's the harm in delaying things just a little bit more?"

Because you just did not push yourself hard enough to realize and recognize your own importance and relevance in life and existence. And now it is 'too late'. And there is nothing you can do. You do NOT want to be at the point of 'too late-ness'. To see all the ways you 'could have' and 'should have' been 'if only' you'd pushed yourself more. AND, to see who and how you 'could have been' lived by someone else. Someone who did push themselves. Someone who was more self-honest and principled than you were. Someone who 'stood' where you did not.

All you can do at that point is humble yourself before life and existence and hope that it's not ACTUALLY 'too late'. As in, that there is still a 'chance', a 'purpose' for you. And, I mean, if you can prove that you can 'stand', that you are committed and dedicated - then life will find a new position for you.

I've stood at that point. Of realizing I had been replaced. That my initial 'purpose' had been 'carried over' to someone else. Someone who simply turned out to be more self-honest. And let me tell you, it is quite the wake-up call lol

BUT what I have found is that now at least I 'know where I stand'. And that means that at least I have a 'starting point'. To start walking from 'where I'm at', rather than from where I feel or believe I'm at. And it's a point that 'keeps me real'. A point to remind me not to lose myself in delusions of grandeur, but to stay humble, and walk with my both feet on the ground.

Sunday, December 15, 2019

Life is about Greatness

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Retain your Identity like Water"

Life will find your replacement. Make no mistake about 'why' you are here. You are here to serve a specific purpose in the name of life. But if you fail to 'deliver', life will simply, replace you.

If you are not living up to your 'job requirements' that are stipulated for the position you were 'hired for', then you will be replaced by another who will. Because yes you are, indeed, replaceable.

And unfortunately, 'not having been aware' of what was exactly expected of you, is no excuse. It was part of your job to find out. You were supposed to work hard, and perform, and prove yourself worthy of the position. Just like you would with any job really.

So why is it that, when it comes to process, and life, and our potential, we don't treat it with the same 'importance'? Believing that somehow, it is something that will be 'given' to us, and we don't really have to try that hard.

Or perhaps that is simply our approach to anything. To never put our everything into anything. To only do 'the bare minimum', just to 'get by'. To just go for 'good enough', rather than 'greatness'. And, fair enough, that's kind of the preprogramming. To only strive to be 'good enough'. 'Just make sure that you are part of things, and that you keep your head down, and you'll be fine.'

But, if you want to be part of LIFE, that preprogramming doesn't work. Life is about greatness, or nothing at all. There is no 'good enough'. Either you are the 'best that you can possibly be', or you are 'worthless'. And which one you're going to be is entirely up to you, and the effort you're willing to put in.

Saturday, December 14, 2019

Retain your Identity like Water

This is a continuation of my previous post "What are you Waiting for?"

One neat little trick to test or check your self-honesty is who are you in the face of criticism? Are you able to stand in the point of knowing who you are regardless of what anybody may think, or will you feel threatened, intimidated, cornered and then lash out like a wild animal?

And this 'standing in the face of criticism' also includes, are you able to humble yourself and consider the words that are being spoken and have a real honest look at yourself? Are you able to learn, or are you going to get stuck in arrogance? In beliefs you have about who you are. That you'll defend tooth and nail.

Criticism only feels 'harsh' when you are 'harsh' inside. When you are starkly trying to hold on to your self-beliefs. To learn, you have to be soft and malleable. Not like a sponge lol The whole sponge metaphor is bullshit. That's how you develop resentment and distrust, when you 'unquestioningly' accept and agree to things, and 'absorb' like a 'sponge'.

Maybe a better metaphor would be to be like water. Water will still retain its 'identity' as 'water' even though it is at the same time very 'fluid' and 'flexible' and will take on pollutants and anything you throw at and in it. But no matter how polluted water gets, it is always in a constant movement, because that is it's 'identity'. To be fluid and moving and flexible. It doesn't take offense to the 'pollution'. It takes it in, purifies what it can, and leaves the rest.

That's how you have to be with criticism. Take it in unconditionally, 'purify' it as in learn from it what you can, and just leave the rest as that which isn't supportive.

Friday, December 13, 2019

What are you Waiting for?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Are you Worthy?"

I haven't just been 'lazy' on a physical level. I was lazy on a BEINGNESS level. I realized pretty early on that I was 'more intelligent' than most people. And, I wasn't 'intelligent' in terms of having the ability to retain and regurgitate a lot of information. In terms of 'memorizing' and stuff. I was intelligent in that I could see that people were all just living out 'programming'. That people were very 'predictable'.

I realized that I never needed to make much of an effort to be 'good at things'. And that, when it came to people - because they were living such predictable programming, I realized it was just a matter of 'pushing the right buttons' to get the right response. It was easy. 'Life' was easy. I never felt 'challenged' by anything. And when I did put effort into something, people were amazed, in awe, flabbergasted!

So, to be honest, I never saw much of a reason to really put effort into things. If you're only competing against yourself, there's not much of a competition.

Sounds pretty arrogant, doesn't it? That's cause it is! lol Laziness. Arrogance. It's the same thing. You get to the point of laziness when arrogance has reached an absolute peak. When you stand all alone on that mountain top, and you think "what is there left for me to climb?" So then you just sit down. And you wait. And you do nothing.

But there is one 'life lesson' I wish I had understood. "With great power comes great responsibility." You think that 'being more intelligent' makes you 'special'? You think that this is what life - your life - is all about? Just one big competition for ultimate 'specialness'? Just a 'race to the top' and who gets to the top 'wins the game' and doesn't have to 'play' anymore?

IF you have such 'great intelligence', then it's not 'yours to keep'. Whatever skill, talent or ability you have, is to benefit and serve existence as a whole. THAT is the real purpose of your skill, of your existence. You are a part, an expression of existence. And your expression is supposed to support and compliment existence AS yourself. So what are you doing using it as something to separate yourself from existence so you can create the illusion that you're "special"?

Maybe this apparent 'superior intelligence' point really did have a real potential. Maybe it just meant that I happen to be good at 'seeing' or 'being real'. But I will never know, because I 'perverted' it so I could participate in the illusion of 'specialness'. I squandered that potential because I wanted to feel 'special'.

Thursday, December 12, 2019

Are you Worthy?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Live by Principles so you can be Trusted"

What I have found is that when it comes to things like self-love, self-care, self-appreciation, self-respect, self-worth and self-acceptance - they're things you have to 'earn'. You have to 'prove yourself worthy'. They're not things that you 'just' give to yourself.

And that, when you feel 'worthless' or 'rejected', it's silly to go "Oh, just accept yourself" or "just recognize your own worth" or "you just have to appreciate yourself more". Even though that's what we do. That's the stuff that we say to each other and to ourselves. But, does it ever work?

It doesn't. And maybe that's our only 'saving grace' too. Our only point of self-honesty. That we can't just accept the appreciation or acceptance, until we know we've earned it. And, trust me, you'll KNOW when you've earned it. You'll be able to look at yourself and not be able to NOT have respect and regard for yourself. It will be HERE.

And, until it is undeniably here, you are still only in the process of earning and proving yourself worthy. Which is fine. I mean really all you can do is just be honest about it. At least then you have self-honesty. And a starting point. And that's at least 'something'. It means you exist, at least. It means you're real.

Then you can start your 'real' process. Building yourself up from scratch. Proving that you are life. Purifying yourself and passing through the eye of the needle. Living words, like self-love, self-respect and self-appreciation, in a way that makes them undeniably here.

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Live by Principles so you can be Trusted

This is a continuation of my previous post "Checking in with the Real You"

The thing, or the 'problem', with the positive stuff, is mostly that you lose your sense of responsibility. It just takes you away from 'here'. You lose your 'footing' as you start 'floating' in a way on that 'vibe' of whatever energy you're 'vibrating' on.

Almost, and actually very much lol, as though you're starting to exist on a different plane. Or an alternate existence. An existence where all that 'exists' is the energy you chose to seep into. And, it's a 'seeping', because it just happens so gradually. Not like you cross a clear and obvious line from one dimension or reality to the next. It's more like a 'trickle'. Slowly but surely your awareness, and 'you' pretty much, starts seeping into this 'pocket', or 'bubble' of energy - lured in by the call of whatever desire you're still suppressing.

You may think you're being self honest, but you're not lol

So then, how do you measure self-honesty? How do you make sure that you remain self-honest in every moment? That you stay 'here', present, responsible. To basically avoid having to at some point realize that you got lost in an alternate dimension and then have to face the consequences of not having stood in responsibility for all the ripple effects of every action in every moment. Cause, that's tough. To have to stand at that point of consequence.

The only way you measure anything really, which is in the physical. You need to have principles in place. Principles to live by. If you can live by those principles, then you know you're self-honest. Without principles, there's no responsibility for anything. And you'll be directed, influenced and defined by desires.

Principles is what 'makes the world go round'. Literally lol. Every 'law' nature and the physical reality follows is a principle. Because, it is that which is 'lived by'. That which is never compromised. That which can be trusted. It's why human beings cannot be trusted. Because they don't live by principles.

The one principle I abandoned, where I created a lot of 'tough to face'-consequences for myself, was to walk with the group. Where I started thinking that 'I'm better off alone'. And started trusting more in 'myself' than in 'the group'. That may sound strange, but yes actually the group does 'know better'. And if you find yourself veering off 'on your own' - that's ego my friend. It takes a certain humbleness to walk with a group. And that humbleness is what I abandoned.

Tuesday, December 10, 2019

Checking In with the Real You

This is a continuation of my previous post "The True Test is the Positive"

Let's talk about something exciting today - for a change lol

There was this post on facebook:

The first words I saw were 'me', 'connection' and 'miracle'. At first I thought "Pffft, this is stupid". But then I figured, well, everything is specific. And it may not be something 'magical' and 'profound', but it is 'specific'. As in, pertaining to 'where you're at'. Things are also specific in that they don't just show you 'where you're at' but also what you should maybe be realizing.

Those three words I picked out actually very much make sense when I look at 'where I'm at' right now. In that, even though I've had to face and realize some 'tough' things about myself recently, it's definitely brought about a 'new' point of connection that I'm experiencing, and it definitely feels like a 'miracle' to me lol

So let's do this again and let's see what comes up now. This time it's 'do', 'me' and 'miracle'. Or how about 'gratitude', 'alignment' and 'care'. Or 'strength', 'care' and 'power'. You can keep going but, the words you pick out will be specific. As in, they 'resonate' with you. You can even let your eyes glide over it and you'll see different words, but only the ones that are specific for you will really 'stand out'. Especially when you've already done it a few times, you already know where all the words are lol so you'll still 'see' all those words. Yet only the actual relevant and 'specific' ones will stand out.

Like I said, it's nothing magical or 'special'. But it does give you a chance to 'check in with yourself' in a way that's just fun and simplistic. Check in with the 'real you' so to speak. And what that real you wants you to know and become aware of.

Monday, December 9, 2019

The True Test is the Positive

This is a continuation of my previous post "Why don't you just Change?"

The same goes for the 'internal change'. As long as you're still digging around for 'why' you're like this or that or 'why' you're not yet like this or that, you're essentially looking for excuses to not simply change.

Because, change is something you DON'T WANT lol So, yeah, you're GOING to try and find excuses to not go there. Your mind's going to bring out the big guns. Cause, what does change REALLY mean?

Change means that you have to give up on, not just the things that 'don't feel nice', but actually mostly the things that do. And the only reason why the 'unpleasant' things exist is because there are the 'pleasant' things that you just don't want to give up. If you really wanted to change, you'd be changed already.

The real problems is the desires. And not even the obvious ones. I'm talking about the desires that have become 'part of you'. That's created just a constant 'feeling' experience which you believe is just 'you'. The desires which you don't even recognize as desires. I'm talking about the just 'general' experience of yourself in any given moment.

I mean it's scary stuff, actually. In a way it's 'easy' to give up on and change the negative stuff. It's the positive that you gotta watch out for. That's the 'real' stuff. The stuff you don't actually want to let go of. The stuff that's really going to test you.

ARE you going to actually let go of the things you don't WANT to let go of? Cause I mean, we're talking about addictions you've spent your whole life developing here. Addiction to energy. To feeling energy, however subtle. And, it's subtle!

It takes some radical self-honesty to face the positive in a way where you truly transcend it. Not only that but, your 'reflex' of going into these positive experiences is so 'natural' and 'automatic', that you have to constantly and continuously stop yourself and 'slap yourself in the face' so to speak. Splash some cold water in your face so you 'stay sober' and remain 'here'.

This is the REAL process. Where you have to walk through the eye of the needle. And prove to yourself, life and existence that you can truly give up on the mind.

Sunday, December 8, 2019

Why Don't you Just Change?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Where to Start with Practical Change?"

 There's a tendency to want to keep writing about 'why' things are the way they are. 'Why' am I still in a point? 'Why' am I not yet changed?

But there's an interesting thing about this 'why' point. It messes with your self-direction. Instead of moving in a straight line from point A to point B, asking "Why am I still in point A?" and "Why am I not yet at point B?", just 'scrambles' your ability to simply put one foot in front of the other towards point B.

And in fact, it's a deliberate self-sabotage programming. Asking, "Why?" It actually comes from a resistance to just go to point B full steam ahead. Because, you can actually see that it would be easy. That it's really just a matter of 'doing' what needs to be done. And that if you just made the decision, you'd already be at point B.

But there's a part of you that doesn't want to go there. A part of you that wants to hold on to the 'old' and that's not ready to change. That part of you will do whatever it needs to keep you in your 'comfort zone'. And it knows just how to do that.

One major way it does that is by taking your focus away from where you want to go as point B, by creating a whole lot of 'internal objections'. There's suddenly all these 'internal movements' that start taking place. And you feel like you need to direct all of it, and it's taking up a lot of your focus. Before you know it, you're more caught up into the apparent 'why' things are or aren't happening, than actually making it happen.

Because the truth is, that you simply don't want to 'make it happen'. You're just looking for excuses to hold yourself back and not make the simple decision to change.

Saturday, December 7, 2019

Where to Start with Practical Change?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Forgetting Why we Do what we Do"

The performing monkey. You catch a glimpse sometimes of what's really hiding behind everything. And in that one moment letting go of all of it seems like the only thing that makes sense. After all, how could you just go back to things when you see so clearly that it's always been a lie? It seems like, that one realization is like a new breath of life. And you can start all over again. 

But the reality is different. Yes, you have a deeper understanding, and you realized something. And yes, it was substantial and transcendental. BUT, you don't actually transcend the mind by realizing something in just one moment. Because, what is the mind? The mind is a machine that stands equal with the physical body. It's infused into every little part and particle of 'you' within and as the body.

And, just like the body will continue pumping blood and doing it's 'normal routine', so will the mind simply continue it's routine. And, so will you within your body and mind, go back to your routine.

That's why, realizations are worthless. If you really want to change, you need to start getting practical. Figure out how the machine works in real-time and start changing the real-time moments.

How does the machine around the performing monkey programming operate in real-time? And what are the behaviors that I can start practically changing in moments? What behaviors am I doing from a starting point of 'performing', where I'm creating a 'separation' from my expression?

It's not easy, walking this 'real-time' process. Catching myself 'in the act'. Because, as I said, it's all routine. And I've never questioned that routine before. It was 'working for me'. Very dysfunctionally, sure, but it was working enough for me to not feel the need to question it.

Friday, December 6, 2019

Forgetting Why we Do what we Do

This is a continuation of my previous post "Are you Changing on a Physical Level?"

A programming that I have lived in my life is that of a 'performing monkey' lol You know one of those monkey's used by street artists where the monkey has to dance or perform some stupid trick - and it does that because that's the only way to get any food from it's owner?

I've been working with my 'desire for recognition' and when I looked at "what's behind this?", that's what I found lol The 'performing monkey' programming. A conditioning to 'perform' in order to 'get what I want and need'. There's a strong 'need to survive' behind it. Like the monkey you see performing tricks. It's not doing that because it likes the attention or it likes to 'show off'. It's doing that because that's what it has to do to survive.

So imagine my surprise upon seeing this programming 'hiding' behind the desire for recognition. Surprise because, clearly I have become the 'performing monkey' to such an extent that I've forgotten all about the fact that it's not actually 'me'. I don't ACTUALLY want the recognition or attention. I'm doing it for survival. That's where it all started. That's why I started doing it.

Imagine the acceptance of oneself as a slave that has to take place for that monkey to actually believe that it's 'enjoying' the attention. Not just acceptance of oneself as a slave but most importantly the overwhelming despair and hopelessness that would drive that monkey to 'forget' it's real reason for doing what it's doing.

It's very sad really. I did not realize I was living such a sad story. A sadness that feels more like a 'pit of despair'.

Will that monkey ever be able to stop performing? Will it ever realize that its 'owner' is long gone so it doesn't have to perform anymore? Will it ever drop the fear of survival and take a chance on life  the way it always should have been?

Well, this monkey is at least starting to realize it's sad, shackled little life that it's been living. And, that's a start isn't it?

Thursday, December 5, 2019

Are you Changing on a Physical Level?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Directed, Influenced and Defined by Desires"

Transcending desires really is just a matter of changing habits. To stop yourself from doing those things which you know are coming from a place of 'addiction'. An addiction to a feeling. So it's to just identify when and where and how you go into behaviors that are motivated by a desire for something. And then, like you are a common addict lol, you need to 'cut yourself off'.

When it comes to those desires, I have actually mostly been focusing on the 'internal stuff' - the thoughts and the reactions that come up in my mind. I've been trying to stop that. But actually now I'm realizing that if I don't change the behavioral patterns then I'm not changing anything at all. If anything I'm actually keeping the fact that I'm not actually changing a secret from myself.

Because, in my mind I'm changing! Or at least that's what it looks like. Actually more often than not what happens is that I end up just suppressing the thoughts and reactions so it 'looks like' I am changing. The change that truly matters is in my physical actions.

The physical is where you 'prove' who you are. It's where real self-honesty exists. You can do what you want in your mind. Thinking and believing that 'you've changed' on the inside. But if you're not changing on a physical level then you're just bullshitting yourself. And, the mind happens to be particularly good at that.

That's why focusing more on physical change is always key, to make sure that you're being self-honest. That the change is real. I've just never really done that lol. I've more hidden myself away in the mind. Hiding my own awareness from me, just so that I could continue participating in certain desires while deluding myself that "I'm changing".

I mean at the end of the day the only one you're fooling is yourself. And it's only so long that you can play that game with yourself before you realize you've just been wasting all this time running in circles cause you basically refused to give up on certain desires. I mean, why not just be direct and honest with yourself about who you are and what you're doing. Do you want to give up on these desires, yes or no? Why make it more difficult for yourself by saying 'yeah I want to change' when in reality you're not actually doing what it takes to in fact change?

Wednesday, December 4, 2019

Directed, Influenced and Defined by Desires

This is a continuation of my previous post "To Earn your Freedom"

There's actually quite a few 'desires' that I've been 'serving' as my 'masters'. Things I haven't really been honest about with myself. Desires that have just become 'part of me' and so I haven't been questioning them. Only now I'm starting to actually see that yes in fact I have been giving my power away to these desires and I haven't been 'standing' as a self-directed individual.

And with looking at the extent to which I've defined myself in those desires, it's actually looking like quite a challenge when I think about transcending them. So, just like I realized in my previous post, all I can do at this point is humble myself before the desires and at least just be honest with myself that yes I have become a slave to them. And no, I am not in fact real, as I am directed, influenced and defined by desires.

And, within being honest about it, get myself out of the point of laziness as I'm now having to 'become equal to my master' and so put the work and effort in that's required. Cause when you're at a point of self-honesty, you kind of have no choice but to push through and change. It's easy to not change things about yourself when you're not aware of them. But once you become aware, there's no going back. There is a responsibility that comes with seeing and being aware.

So now the process becomes, how to transcend and change a desire? The first step in that would be to pinpoint all the habits that support and sustain the desire. And then change those.

Tuesday, December 3, 2019

To Earn Your Freedom

This is a continuation from my previous post "There's Something Wrong Here..."

Laziness is the suppressed version of self-judgment. So - find the self-judgment, set yourself free from the judgment itself and then you won't need laziness to hide in. Remember, that - the desire that forced you into judgment, and eventual laziness is still your master. Don't judge your master - serve your master, until you are equal to your master and then decide to direct you.
Bernard Poolman

"To admit to yourself that there is a master you are serving." It's to bring the desires you've been holding on to, hiding and suppressing, 'here'. Be real about the fact that, yes, as long as 'who and how you are' is influenced and directed by these desires, you are a slave to it. So, you must stand in that self-honesty. Stand as the slave that you are and have allowed yourself to become.

As how things are right now, you are in the service of these desires. That's all that you are. And if you ever want to be any 'more' than that, you're going to have to start from 'where you're at'. How does a slave break free from its master? By being arrogant and thinking that he's better than a slave? Fat chance. That will just get you in trouble!

It's by keeping your head down, 'playing the system', and 'earning' your freedom. And in the meantime, yes, joining movements and putting in effort to - in a peaceful way - change 'slavery' altogether. Changing the greater system that's creating this 'slave-master' relationship.

But when it comes to changing that direct slave/master relationship, there has to be a humbleness. An 'accepting your place'. As a slave, you don't have any power to just stand up and say "fuck this, I'm outta here!" And, the more you fight, resist and struggle, the more you're going to be shown your place! So, you have to humble yourself 'before your master'. And say, "I will work hard and do what it takes to earn my freedom!"

Because, freedom is something you must be 'granted'. It's not something you can just take. When you try to 'take' it, there's going to be war. And in a way doing it that way is more like a laziness. You just don't want to put the work and effort in. You'll rather just react, act out, throw a tantrum, and expect reality to shape itself according to your wants and needs. With a lot of unnecessary suffering and consequences as a result.

Real freedom is something that you've worked hard for. Something you know you 'deserve' and have 'earned', because of the work that you've put in. Where you've walked a process to prove that you stand equal to your 'master' and that you have now mastered yourself.

Monday, December 2, 2019

There's Something Wrong Here...

This is a continuation of my previous post "Bringing the Darkness Here"

Laziness is the suppressed version of self-judgment. So - find the self-judgment, set yourself free from the judgment itself and then you won't need laziness to hide in. Remember, that - the desire that forced you into judgment, and eventual laziness is still your master. Don't judge your master - serve your master, until you are equal to your master and then decide to direct you.
Bernard Poolman

I couldn't make sense of this quote at first. But I knew that laziness has been a big part of my life so I knew that it must apply to me somehow. It's only now, after realizing that I was in fact still very much living that laziness - although I believed I wasn't - that I am understanding what this quote is actually saying and how it applies to me.

Laziness is when there is something that you're not entirely wanting to let go of. A desire you're trying to protect and 'hold on to'. But at the same time you're not being honest with yourself about the fact that you are still holding on to it - so it becomes a point of self-judgment within you. And the self-judgment becomes a self-suppression. Because, you're hiding a part of you, from yourself.

So in a way you start living a 'half-life', since you're only partly 'here'. That suppressed part of you becomes like an anchor that weighs and drags you down. But it's invisible. You're not even noticing that there's something holding you back. I mean you do, but you also don't. You do kind of sense that there's something 'wrong'. There's just 'something', but you can't put your finger on it.

To 'cut through' or 'hack' this laziness point, you just need to pretty much 'come clean' about the point of desire that you've been unwilling to let go of. Be real with yourself that you have not been taking responsibility for a specific part of you because, you simply have not been wanting to. Recognize and see that this point of desire has been and is your 'master'. Maybe it's just a really seriously intense desire and maybe that means that it's going to be a bit more difficult to transcend it. And you may not see how or be able to, at this moment, 'just let go of it'. And that's actually fine. Just for now admit and realize that this desire is your 'master' and that you must serve it. Until you stand equal to it. As in, until it no longer influences you and you are able to move freely without it being there to hold you back.

Being honest with self is always the first - and most important - step towards transcendence.

Sunday, December 1, 2019

Bringing the Darkness Here

This is a continuation of the previous post "I've been here before..."

Ever since deciding that 'I will face all that is here' it hasn't been an easy ride because, well, I am having to face EVERYTHING that I have been suppressing and pushing away underneath and behind 'positive illusions'.

In every moment it seems there is 'something' that I am trying to avoid looking at. I can tell because it literally seems like there is this 'dark spot' or more like a 'dark hole' somewhere deep within me. Where, it's not quite 'here' for me to see, but I can always tell. Because, you can't hide anything from yourself. You can try, but there is always a part of you that is 'painfully' aware of what you're trying to hide. This sense of 'darkness' that just sort of looms on the edges of your awareness.

When I notice that 'edge of darkness', no matter how subtle sometimes, I try to bring it 'here' so that I can really see exactly what it is I am trying to keep myself from seeing. There is lots of fear that comes up as well. Like a petrifying fear of "omg I am going to die!" lol But you don't actually. It just kind of feels like you are, since you're 'stepping into the darkness'.

'Bringing the darkness here' means to stand in and as it. To become it. To really fully embrace all of it, no matter how dark or painful, no matter how much fear comes up. To kind of stand in the point of, "alright, if I'm going to die, then so be it".

Sometimes it's even physically difficult to bring that darkness out of it's 'dark hole' and bring it 'here', where it feels like you've hidden it away physically, and it may actually take some kind of physical 'dying' just to be able to bring the point here. Sometimes it feels like my heart might stop, or I might throw up or something. Or I have to 'retch' it out of me, by physically 'retching' lol It's like I've decided on a deep physical level that this part of me is 'wrong' and therefore must always remain in suppression.

But when I then do stand in and as it, it doesn't feel as 'bad' anymore. Suddenly it actually feels more like I've just gotten closer to 'me'. And yes it may be dark but it's a deep knowing that 'I am home'.