This is a continuation of my previous post "Yearning for Love"
So, it’s interesting. Looking into my eyes earlier in the mirror. The right eye I saw there was lots and lots of fear there. Like, my being just infused with fear actually. A relationship with fear that is very very integrated and infused into my very being. But then when looking into the left eye, I saw this ‘little devil’ in there. Like, something deliberate. I had to look again because it was so unexpected. I have seen it before but its sort of hard to wrap my head around it. It’s this ‘programming’, or whatever it is. ‘Something’ inside of me that’s DELIBERATELY causing me to be so… conflicted all the time internally. Like something that is revelling in undermining me in every imaginable way.
Something or someone whose mission it is to sabotage and undermine every little effort that I make. Anytime I ‘try’ to take any step forward or literally ‘try’ to do anything at all, it will make sure to undermine me and go against me and essentially make sure that I will end up in as many inner conflict as possible – feeling like things that should be easy are super super hard, or even impossible, for me.
And it’s interesting because it certainly isn’t anything that I ‘consciously’ see myself doing. That ‘deliberateness’ in terms of sabotaging and undermining me. But I mean it’s there, in my eyes, so obviously it’s ‘me’. And if I’d have to venture into ‘why’ it’s there and why it might be ‘deliberate’, then what it looks like to me is that it’s almost like a ‘gatekeeper’. Keeping me away from what is already ‘here’. From what I’d see and realize if there wasn’t this ‘something’ inside of me keeping me from it. If I for instance were to just ‘let go’ and stop ‘trying’ lol. Stop ‘walking process’. Stop trying to put one foot in front of the other and stop trying to ‘do’ anything at all. If I’d just ‘be’.
I’d realize that everything is already here. Existence is already here. I just need to BREATHE, and not move a muscle essentially. If anything, any ‘muscle’ that I move, will just trigger this ‘little devil’ lol. Who will make sure that I end up getting lost in all sorts of experiences and beliefs and perceptions that ‘oh I’ve got such a LOOOOONG process to walk. And that I must TRY TRY TRY to just get somewhere.’ And that ‘oh it’s such a struggle! Such a battle!’ Trying to get to what is actually already right here for me. If only I’d just stop ‘trying’ lol. Stop giving that little devil so many opportunities to step in and ‘lead me astray’.
But I mean obviously there is a ‘reason’ why I’ve got this little demon inside me. Cause as I said it’s a part of me so, even though it’s unconscious, I am CHOOSING to exist like this. So that must mean that on some level I KNOW what I will see or be if I did ‘let go’. If I stopped ‘trying’ and just ‘breathed’. And that I actually RESIST it, for some reason. Maybe I resist ‘responsibility’. Because I know that if I became aware of existence here in and as me, that I’d see and realize my responsibility within and as it all. I wouldn’t be able to play the victim card anymore. I wouldn’t be able to ‘fuck around’ anymore. I would be RESPONSIBLE, for EVERYTHING. There’d be no escaping it. It would be undeniable. The undeniable truth of me, staring me right in the face. The very one that I have obviously spent my existence avoiding, trying to just keep myself away from that very moment of seeing it.