Sunday, May 31, 2020
This is a continuation of my previous blog post "It's All Already Here"
My relationship or rather reaction with the mind has always been conflictual. In that, I always REACT when anything comes up in terms of thoughts, emotions and feelings. And within that reaction I define myself within and as whatever it is that comes up, and also sort of make it worse.
So, I BATTLE the mind. And in a way I try to DOMINATE it. I try to suppress it and push it back/down. Because I believe that it is 'me'. And when, obviously with pretty much every thought and emotion/feeling that comes up, I see and realize that 'this is not my best potential', I go, "Noooooo!! This isn't the real me! This can't be the real me!!" And within that reaction of panic/fear, my reaction is to then fight back and try to suppress/dominate.
Rather than ACTUALLY realizing that 'this is not the real me'. Not within a reaction/judgment/fear. But a simple REALIZATION and UNDERSTANDING that, 'thoughts, emotions and feelings are not the real me'. And that, even though it seems 'intuitive' to resist, I actually must take the path of the least resistance. To allow these thoughts/emotions/feelings - whatever comes up - to move THROUGH me. Where I 'give way' to it. And I basically say "I'm not going to fight you". "No matter what you do, I will not resist you."
Maybe that is the living of forGIVEness. To have that 'give'. That bendability, flexibility, pliability. Of knowing that yes where I may bend and 'give way', I am never 'broken'. That I cannot 'break'. That no matter what happens, and no matter what I 'give way' to, no matter how 'overwhelming' and 'crushing' and 'threatening' it may appear, I will not actually disappear. That it may for a moment seem like I do when I don't put up that resistance and when I allow it to just sort of 'wash over me'. But I'll come out on the other side, with a greater connection to myself.
The way I have always lived is to actually take the road of the MOST resistance. To ALWAYS put up a fight. As a way of DEFENDING myself. Cause it's always felt like, if I don't, then that 'openness' and 'bendability'/flexibility/pliability will be 'dominated' and pushed down and suppressed. That there is ABUSE that will take place. And so that 'fighting' and 'resistance' has always felt like a very 'intuitive' response. A response of 'self-preservation'.
Because, there WAS abuse that took place. Yet, it was not understood as 'abuse' at the time. I did not 'stand' within me as a being, seeing and understanding and realizing what is going on in reality. Seeing and realizing how those beings in my life whom I trusted the most, were the most untrustworthy. Seeing and realizing how they existed within and as their mind, and seeing/realizing why they were who and how they were.
I rather 'trusted'. And then that trust was 'violated'. And then I felt 'violated'. Yet could never put my finger on why or how exactly I felt that way deep inside. Cause my 'self-preservation' response would not allow me to consider accessing that which had 'caused' me to become so 'violated' and that which would thus just make me go through the trauma all over again. I mean, how could I EVER, after what had happened to me, perceive who/how I was as flexible/pliable/bendable to be a 'good' thing?
Where rather, I should have realized that it wasn't that flexibility/pliability/bendability that was the problem. The problem was how it had been abused. It's the classic case of the trauma victim blaming themselves for what happened to them, while it's clear that obviously the abuse itself is the problem. BUT, a side that's also missed however, is how as a victim of trauma you are responsible. SO, how exactly are you as a trauma victim responsible for what happened to you??
What your reality was showing you, through the 'trauma', was things which you on a deep beingness level never wanted to take responsibility for. Things which you never wanted to realize or see or consider. Yet, things that do exist. You suffered at the hands of the things you were not willing to see, so that reality would show you how delusional you are.
Throughout my existence as a being, I tried to hold on to my 'innocence'. And would not consider 'abuse' to exist within me. Which, in a way, is 'cool'. But it also meant that I would not take responsibility for the abuse that DOES exist within reality. Thus, I would become a VICTIM of it, and so would in fact contribute to the cycle of abuse within existence. Because, even when abuse does not exist in and as you, you are still responsible for its existence. You're still responsible to DIRECT it. You can't just put blinders on and choose to just not see the things that happen to not exist in you. YOU have to still be a 'voice of change'. A voice of 'ENOUGH'.
Being a victim is NOT a solution, cause you're just allowing the abuse to still go on. You're just saying 'I'm not responsible'. But so what if you're 'not responsible'? How can you say that choosing to not see the things that are actually unacceptable isn't your part and responsibility in allowing those things to keep on existing? The abuse that happened to you, happened to you because you ALLOWED it to exist by saying 'I'm not responsible'. You never stood up as a being as a statement of 'THIS ENDS HERE'.
In a way you were the eternal 'child'. And never stepped into a point of 'maturity', where you are able to take responsibility for things that you aren't necessarily directly 'responsible for'. Where it doesn't even matter what is who's 'fault' per se, and who is doing what, because you stand as a point of 'responsibility' to direct it all. You are the 'parent' taking responsibility for reality. So no matter the abuse that exists, you consider yourself to be responsible to find effective ways to stop the abuse. You become the principle of what you will accept and allow within and as reality, and what is simply UNACCEPTABLE.
And if anything, it's those who most victimize themselves to the abuse, that need to stand up. Because it's us who are the ones that will not allow abuse to exist. We do not allow it to exist within and as ourselves, so why have we been accepting and allowing it within reality?? It's us who need to become the 'parent' and no longer just stand idly by, watching the abuse happen, believing that somehow we're doing 'enough' as long as we try to just hold on to our own innocence. Because if you do not stand up and say STOP, it will never stop. It will continue to be accepted and allowed, throughout cycles and cycles of it. Because you are not stepping in to say 'NO, THIS IS NOT OK' and you are not being the parent you are supposed to be. And not realizing that those who deliberately abuse, will not simply stop and change. They won't suddenly 'realize what they're doing' and realize they need to change. DIRECTION is needed within reality, and it's those who realize what is going on who need to find ways to stand as the DIRECTIVE PRINCIPLE.
Wednesday, May 27, 2020
This is a continuation of my previous post "The Internal War of Manipulation"
Seems that I’ve copied this ‘personality design’ or mind programming of rather thinking that, ‘no, it’s NOT all already here’, from my mother. Because, ‘I am not good enough’. A belief in my ‘inferiority’ – and therefore the ‘need’ for me to MAKE SURE that I ‘get what I want/need’. Because, no it’s not just going to fall on my lap and it’s not going to just come to me easily – cause I’m just not pretty enough, or interesting enough for that. I NEED to control and manipulate in order to get and have what I want and need.
I mean I have believed that my entire life, when it comes to males. That, I’m just not pretty enough and I’m just not interesting enough, so no male would really WANT me necessarily. So I need to put in extra work somehow. Can’t just expect them to come flocking or even stick around for too long. So there’s always a point of ‘doubt’. Like when Paul showed interest in me and we hooked up and got into a relationship. There was always a doubt in the back of my mind. A doubt that it would last long. A doubt that he is really that interested in me, that he really wants to be with me. Because of that mantra in the back of my mind that ‘I am just not good enough’. I’m just not that pretty and just not that attractive. That basically there’s no way he’d be ‘naturally’ attracted to me. Like, to who I ‘naturally’ am. There’s just so many ‘shortcomings’ that I have. My ‘genes’ are just not that good. So I guess there’s just not a lot of confidence in myself.
Cause I mean yeah my mom was like a really tall girl and tended to be also a bit ‘clunky’, like not necessarily a slender supermodel body, but more a ‘towering giant’ body. She had really thin hair and a round face and a big nose, and a dead grey tooth right at the front. So to her that felt like her ‘beauty’ – her ‘be-you-ty’ was ‘diminished’. That who she was inside, as her ‘be-you-ty’, was ‘diminished’. Because, oh look at all of these ‘flaws’ and these ‘shortcomings’ in terms of how ‘beauty’ is defined in this world.
And I also had those kind of qualities. I was taller than the other girls. I had a really long face and a bigger nose and my teeth were a bit crooked. So I assumed that ‘I am not beautiful’ – that I am ‘less me’ lol because of these specific ‘traits’ that I don’t have on an external level. And so I then separated myself from who I am ‘naturally’. Within the BELIEF that ‘I am not be-you-ti-full’. And it’s also not just from what I developed in this lifetime, or even what I copied from my mother. This kind of ‘acceptance of inferiority’ and ‘diminishment of self’ goes back through my generational lineage. It was already in my mind and body when I was born. All already downloaded within and as me. I was PREPROGRAMMED to be ‘inferior’.
All the points of self-diminishment and self-suppression that have been over time accepted and allowed throughout the generations that have gone before me, manifested in my mind and body – like a blueprint that I would just grow into, while on top of that then also developing my own points of self-diminishment. Because yes as they say, who you are inside will ‘shine through’ and that your ‘inner beauty’ will radiate into your ‘outer beauty’. And when ‘who you are’ on the inside is compromised, within and through the mind, the ‘outer you’ will also be. So then you have to walk a process of correcting all the accepted and allowed points of compromise. Correct the inner ‘you’, if you want to be ‘be-you-ti-full’.
Tuesday, May 26, 2020
This is a continuation of my previous post "I don't Understand it, therefore it isn't Real"
If I had a 'middle name', it would probably be something like 'inner turmoil' lol. Just feeling kind of 'trapped' and 'lost' in my own inner 'experiences'. And I always assumed it must be because maybe I just 'don't love myself' or maybe even 'hate myself', because lots of these inner experiences were quite emotionally charged. Lots of despair, sadness, depression, lostness, powerlessness, resistance and so on.
And as a result I just overall didn't seem like a very 'stable' kind of person. Being prone to making decisions I'd later regret or feel ashamed about, easily feeling 'overwhelmed' by 'how I FEEL' and going into high ups and downs of feelings and emotions. I suppose you could also call it 'not having a backbone', being 'spineless', 'not having character'. But what it is, is basically living according to feelings and emotions, rather than living based on principles and common sense.
And that's something that goes back all the way to childhood. How I was 'raised' and how I learned to 'be' by example of my parents. My parents were people who didn't actually communicate much. Not with words anyways lol. They 'communicated' through emotions and feelings. And that's something that went back all the way to their childhood as well. Where, they never learned how to EXPRESS themselves. How to communicate who they are and what they want, through WORDS. Because their parents also didn't provide the space for it. It was more a type of 'be quiet and just do what you're told' kind of upbringing. So when you cannot express yourself in WORDS, you tend to find different ways of expressing yourself - of 'communicating' with your environment in a way that may more or less get you the things you want.
You learn to get what you want without being direct and straightforward about it. It's called 'manipulation' lol. And that's where your emotions and feelings come in. They come in when you realize as a child that the main motivating factor behind your parents' decisions, is their feelings and emotions. Where they place a lot of trust in how they FEEL. They don't necessarily care about 'what's best' and they don't necessarily 'feel like' investigating or asking themselves what would be the best thing to do for the child. Doesn't mean they're 'bad' either! It just means that when it comes to making decisions, there isn't much 'self-questioning' involved. More an acceptance that, 'if it feels right, it must be right'.
So you realize that your parents don't actually listen to the words that you speak. They only 'listen' to your emotions and feelings. It seems to be the only thing they really respond to. So, if you want to get anything from them, it means you need to know how to 'push the right buttons'. You need to become proficient in the art of manipulating through emotions and feelings. Emotions and feelings needs to become your 'primary language'. Becoming 'sensitive' to how people respond within their mind to whatever emotion or feeling you are displaying. And as a child, you are very good at it. It almost literally feels like you are 'pushing buttons'. Because, well, that's what you're doing and that's WHY you're doing it. Why you're using emotions and feelings.
The 'problem' comes in when you yourself grow up into 'adulthood'. Because the mind does a fascinating thing where it creates these 'layers'. That's why when you think back on your childhood, you see the memories more like you're watching a movie. There's a separation there. Why the 'adult you' feels so different and disconnected from the 'child you'. And why, if you were to look at these different 'stages' or 'phases' of your life, it's almost as though they exist in total isolation from each other. As though your 'growing up' almost happened at the flick of a switch. Like, *flicks switch*, 'oh you're in puberty now', *flicks switch*, 'oh now you're an adult'. And your memories of 'back when you were a teenager' almost feel like you're talking about a person that isn't 'you'. Let alone when you think back on 'when you were a child'.
So you tend to 'forget' that way back when you were a child, 'emotions' and 'feelings' wasn't something that 'just came naturally'. That you haven't always been this way. That these emotions and feelings inside you are more a consequence of poor 'child-rearing' that goes back generations. Where, somewhere along the line, maybe people went through something really traumatic, like war for example, which creates a real PHYSICAL instability, lostness and chaos. And something like that can have a great impact on the internal experience of a person. Of just people becoming more intensely afraid, emotional and reactive. I mean, war changes people. It causes people to become more isolated within themselves, more 'withdrawn'. They just don't feel 'safe' anymore to live and relax and express.
I mean, I can see how that can lead to a diminishment in actual verbal communication, and would cultivate a more emotionally reactive human. If I'd have to try and 'trace back' where this misalignment in raising children more based on feelings and emotions rather than principles and common sense may have occurred. And why it is perhaps that my parents, and their parents before them, are not used to communicating much and are rather more withdrawn, shy and reserved.
In a sense I guess you could even say that 'emotional manipulation' is a consequence and result of 'war', just like how FBI/CIA type operations are also a result of war. Where things become more 'covert', more 'hidden'. Within 'Central Intelligence Agencies', that are designed to essentially 'manipulate'. Because people are so traumatized by war that they become 'introverted' or 'inverted'. They hide things, cause they don't feel 'safe' anymore. There's no more openness, no more freedom and no more trust. And so we all end up manipulating each other. We all learn to hide and not trust each other. Because there's no 'open communication'.
So I mean, we were fucked from the start. We never stood a chance. Maybe at some point in this world, human beings raised their children based on principles and common sense. But war and trauma over time have eroded that. Where now, all you are born into is manipulation as emotions and feelings. And maybe there are still beings in this world who do raise their children through open communication, common sense and principles. But I'd say that war has influenced my generational lineage and has in a way 'broken' us as humans. And so I grew up knowing ONLY manipulation as emotions and feelings. And never even considered that there could be another way.
I was STILL, in my life, living out the war that my ancestors went through, as experiences of instability, lostness and chaos. Living out an 'internal war' of feeling destabilized and lost within emotions and feelings. Never realizing or seeing or understanding that this whole 'I don't accept myself' or 'I don't love myself' is more just a problem of defining myself according to emotions and feelings, than having to do with actual self-acceptance or self-love. And more importantly, it's a consequence of having FORGOTTEN that all these emotions and feelings inside of me are things I just cultivated when I was little to try and speak my parents' language so that I could get what I wanted from them. I just went into 'forgetfulness' and at some point started believing that it is 'me'. Just like my parents did I guess.
Wednesday, May 20, 2020
So why is it, that all those people, or most of them anyways, in the first world countries, are so...'passive' when it comes to the suffering in this world? All those 'privileged' human beings, who are born in wealthy or at least middle-class families, in positions of ABUNDANCE. Who have and get everything they need and want and lack nothing. Who are raised in - more or less - stable families, and get the support they need to 'make it' in life. To go to school, get a degree, find a job, and start a family of their own, without ever really needing to worry about 'survival' necessarily, as everything in life is pretty 'easy' and 'straightforward'.
What is it that makes us so disconnected and separated and aloof in relation to the suffering in this world? Suffering that is VERY real, for many many beings. While we are in the ULTIMATE position of power, to really do something about it. What is it inside of ourselves, in our very minds, that cause us to 'accept' things as they are? Rather than STAND UP, SPEAK UP, DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING, as any sane person would do, when faced with the horrifying and atrocious suffering that's part of 'life on earth'.
I mean, by all accounts, you would almost think, that we truly just 'don't care'. That we are entirely devoid of life and feeling, and lack even the slightest sensitivity to see or pick up on another's pain. How do we sleep at night?! Literally. How?!
Let me answer that question, with myself as the best example. I was born in a first world country. In a family of abundance. We never lacked anything. I was always given everything I needed or wanted. I never had to worry about 'survival'. My life was easy. As if it was programmed that way. I was aware that there was 'suffering' in the world. I was aware that in some far away lands, there was 'war', and people were suffering as a consequence of it. That there was 'poverty', somewhere. That there were even entire countries - called 'third world countries' - where EVERYONE existed in poverty and even starvation. A LACK that is beyond comprehension. I watched the news, I saw the photos and the videos.
I KNEW, on some level in my mind, that all that 'existed'. But to be honest, on some other level within myself, I didn't really BELIEVE it. I mean that's kind of weird to say actually because as they say, 'seeing is believing'. And, I did SEE, physically, with my own eyes. Yet, I did not 'believe'. I could not FATHOM that anyone else's life could be so different from mine. That there were people out there who did not know the kind of safety and security and stability that seemed to be an absolute given in my world and reality. I mean even everyone around me seemed to enjoy that same sense of safety, stability and security. All, equally. Life was good for everyone that I knew. So then, how could it be so different elsewhere?
I grew up in Belgium. And in Belgium, in most of Belgium, the inequality isn't so great as in most of the rest of the world. 'The middle-class rules the country.' That's from a popular Belgian song. It means that sure while there were people who made more money than others, it didn't really matter all that much what kind of job you did. Everyone was 'taken care of'. There was a sense of 'equality' within how much money and means everyone had. And so everyone was 'happy'. Everyone was able to 'enjoy life'.
That was the 'world' that I grew up in. A world wherein everyone can be equally happy. And in that world, the concept of 'suffering', or 'starvation', did not exist. And it was almost like living in a bubble. Where even though there were images coming through on the TV of people living entirely different lives - lives so opposite to ours - the images never really 'registered' as being anything 'real' or anything substantial because I simply 'couldn't relate'. I could not 'understand', as it's never been part of my 'frame of reference'.
It's sort of weird to say, but yes I could not understand, and so it didn't seem 'real'. And so I could continue to 'ignore' and 'brush it off', like it's of no consequence. Like all that REALLY matters, is just the comings and goings of my own life, and the lives of those around me. NOT the fact that somewhere out there, lots of people are seriously suffering, in ways that even my worst nightmares can't describe.
BUT, although my mind did not BELIEVE what my eyes did SEE, and although therefore it seemed entirely justified to just ignore it all, deeeep deep down within myself there was an awareness. An awareness that it IS all real. And that awareness became a 'guilt'. Something that was eating me up inside. Something that made me feel wretched within myself. The guilt of knowing that all this is going on, but I am doing NOTHING about it. And that I can tell myself that 'I don't understand' and 'I don't believe' as much as I want, but at the end of the day the guilt does not go away. Until I actually STAND UP and do whatever I can to FIX and SOLVE and CHANGE those things in this world that SHOULD NOT exist.
Tuesday, May 19, 2020
This is a continuation of my previous post "In my Image and Likeness"
Two things I have never very much lived in my life is UNDERSTANDING and ACCEPTANCE. To, when it comes to ‘problems’ and ‘issues’, shortcomings and flaws, be instead rather judgmental and reactive. Something I realized is that, when I’m looking at this world, and within myself into my own mind, looking at human beings’ behavior as well as my own – even though I may try so damn hard to be and live and exist in ways that is best – the reality is that all I can see is PROBLEMS. All I see is all the ways we’re NOT living as the best version of ourselves. How I’m not living the best version of myself. And how us human beings as a whole are not living the best version of ourselves.
And I’ve asked myself, ‘how can I be more understanding, of myself and others?’ But all that comes up is that I just can’t be. That, this world is fucked, we are fucked, I am fucked. We’re all fucked. I mean look at us. Just the way we exist in our minds. The DELIBERATE evil and the harm that we do to one another. The ignorance we exist in. All I am left with within myself when looking at it all, is just an ANGER. An anger that it is this way. An anger that things are not already ‘perfect’ – the way I KNOW we can be. It’s like a deep disappointment, that’s turned into anger, with our inability to live up to my expectations.
It’s like the expectations, as the ‘image of perfection’ I know we can be and achieve, is the bone I’m not willing to let go of. Almost like I’m thinking and believing that ‘as long as I keep my eyes on that image of perfection and stay focused on that, it will be our motivation to get us there’. It’s kind of like a delusion, to have that expectation and to actually believe that it works that way. It’s delusional from the perspective that what is missing is an ACCEPTANCE and an UNDERSTANDING that, well simply put, we are NOT that image of perfection. That the reality of who we are as beings is that we ARE ‘imperfect’. That we’ve got all these flaws and shortcomings, so very clearly shown within and as ‘life on earth’. We are NOWHERE NEAR ‘perfect’. In fact, that ‘perfection’ doesn’t exist. That ‘potential’, the ‘perfect image’, it doesn’t exist. It’s just not who and how and what we are. At all. And it’s like I am basically trying to find and see something that isn’t there. Which would obviously result in massive disappointment.
The reality is, that we ARE fucked. We are FUCKED beyond belief. There is no ‘hope’. There is no ‘glimmer of light’. There is no ‘potential’. And that’s not me being pessimistic. It’s a FACT. The ‘perfect image of potential’, that’s what only exists in my mind. It’s simply not HERE. It’s been something I’ve been hoping for, fighting for, searching for, like the light in the tunnel. But it’s like, the closer I’m moving towards that light – or think I’m moving – the more the ‘darkness’ seems to be moving in on me. Because the light is an illusion. It isn’t really there, and I will never really reach it.
And I’ve effectively been chasing that light within my mind my entire life. Thinking/believing that it must be real, because I can see it in my mind. Positively duped. Duped with the CURSE of knowing that we need to change, and even seeing a solution, as the ‘image of perfection’, but being absolutely SABOTAGED and DISEMPOWERED in being able to do anything because of how the ‘solution’ has been defined in the illusion in the mind. The illusion in the mind where everything is just images and pictures. It’s not ‘real’. It’s like these very limited, superficial ‘concepts’ of what and how things are. Like a comic book, or a movie. Where everything is reduced to a single image. A snapshot. Everything is ‘represented’ and ‘captured’ within an image. But an image doesn’t show you the intricacies of reality. It’s not ‘alive’. It’s more like a one-dimensional, limited, presumptuous ‘idea’ of what reality is. Like being stuck in a picture frame, experiencing, seeing and perceiving reality on that superficial level of the picture in the frame. It’s just literally ‘not alive’, therefore it is not ‘real’.
And the thing with my mind, is that it’s full of pictures. My mind is like a television, or a comic book. Always spinning ‘stories’ through pictures. Presenting me with ‘ideas’ of what and how reality is, where I then am actually very blind as to what reality really is. More seeing things in a very one-dimensional, superficial, and kind of ‘story-telling’ way, also seeing myself as just a character in a story that must in a way be watched like a movie for it to be ‘real’, or believed/perceived to be real. Many, many stories I’ve spun for myself, in my mind as my walking television.
And it’s definitely coming from and based on a desire to create ‘more’ of reality than what is HERE. To have that polarity of ‘the light’ on the one hand and ‘the darkness’ on the other hand, rather than just being HERE. But to basically have that ‘movie-plot’ within the mind wherein there’s ALWAYS that ‘epic battle’ between the dark and the light. And that’s why my point is that I pretty much just need to relax lol.