Saturday, February 29, 2020
this is a continuation of my previous post "The Imprisoned Self-Awareness"
The act of 'thinking' can give a sense of security. Like oh you're thinking, you must be considering many things and taking much into account, thus apparently creating a 'security' for yourself. The security of 'I've though of everything!' Without thoughts, it's like you're naked. It's just you in the moment and nothing else.
And because thoughts is like this voice in your head, or like something systemic, like a machine, it certainly feels and seems as though it's in some way 'trustworthy'. Like it will 'pull you through' and 'guide the way'. Like a map that knows how to navigate the roads of the world.
But, what are thoughts really? Ideally I suppose, sure, they should be like a map. Something you can 'consult' or use to put things in a certain structure, like creating a map where you bring a bunch of information together and hold it there within a containment so you can look at it all.
But I'm starting to realize that how thoughts exist currently, or rather how I've accepted them to exist within me, is definitely NOT in a way that's supportive or 'guiding' or even useful. If anything, the way that my thoughts exist is more like a reflection of the directionlessness and lostness and 'chaos' of the 'inner me'. Where, sure, I'm thinking about things, and that machine of thoughts is always turning, but it's not in any way 'organized' and it certainly does not give me oversight, like a map would, of anything.
It's actually more like, because my starting point as the 'inner me' is not stable and is more like 'all over the place', my thoughts will also be 'unstable' and 'all over the place'. And so will at the end of the day only contribute to the problem and make it worse, rather than actually give me stability and structure.
So I suppose my mistake was always to place my thoughts first, before myself, and say "lead the way!". Rather than realizing that thoughts are just a tool and that it's me who needs to 'lead the way'. I need to live stability and structure and direction as myself first, and then I may be able to use thoughts to look at points. But I can never think that thoughts have any power or ability in and of themselves. If anything, thoughts will more just mold and shape themselves around and according to the direction that I give myself internally and will thus simply be a reflection of who I am inside.
Friday, February 21, 2020
This is a continuation of my previous post "Overwhelmed with Self-Judgment"
What does it mean to be aware? I’m starting to realize that what I always thought was ‘awareness’, was really just FEAR. Fear of the things that I see with my eyes as what exists in this world and reality. What I believed was ‘awareness’ was actually more ‘memories’. Pictures and images in my mind, connected with fear, as constant ‘reminders’ of the apparent world and reality that I exist in. Confusing awareness with ‘knowing’, as knowledge and information, which is ALWAYS connected with emotion.
So I was never actually ‘aware’. I was just existing in massive amounts of fear. And I was trusting the mind, as the very thing that was placing me in that prison of fear, to make me ‘aware’ of the reality I exist in through knowledge and information. Which was more like a constant ‘reminder’ that I should exist in FEAR and that basically ‘reality = fear’.
While really, meanwhile, my actual SELF-awareness was suppressed. The self-awareness as in just the point of being ‘here’ and realizing ‘I am here’. The only awareness that’s real. That just gets locked away somewhere. Deemed ‘unimportant’. And ‘awareness’ gets hijacked by the mind by defining it within survival as fear. Where, to be ‘aware’ basically means that you must always fear your reality. You must always be on ‘high alert’, ready to protect and defend yourself against a possible attack. Like in the military, where you learn to fear your environment and use fear and adrenaline to survive.
I mean, the mind really is like you’re being programmed as a ‘soldier’. To never be relaxed and never ‘let go’. Never ‘let your guard down’. Always be on top of everything, always know what’s going on, always be ready to fight and always expect an attack. And above all, SURVIVE! And ‘awareness’ is just a tool within that fight for survival. Cause those who are the most ‘aware’, are the most ‘prepared’. I mean this is really some primitive programming. Like prehistoric, caveman type programming. But then, that’s the unconscious mind.
And I may never have been consciously aware of it, because I’ve lived a life of privilege wherein I was able to pretend as though survival isn’t something I need to worry about. But for plenty of beings in this reality, this is their conscious experience. Because we live in a world of inequality. Wherein some get to live in the future, while others still exist in the dark ages, or prehistoric times. It’s all still here.
Thursday, February 20, 2020
This is a continuation of my previous post "The Capitalist Mind-Set"
Every once in a while there’ll be this point coming up in my mind of like thinking that I’ve been replaced in process and then I’ll suddenly feel just very ‘down’ on myself and actually even go into this downward spiral of thinking where I just perceive myself as this complete ‘failure’. As ‘unworthy’ to even exist because I’ve apparently ‘failed’ in my ‘purpose’. Because yes I wouldn’t say my process so far has been ‘smooth sailing’ or hasn’t been like a straight line of consistent application. Even though yes I’ve always ‘been there’, walking with Desteni, I’ve abdicated responsibility on points, gone into ‘revenge of the ego’ and sort of turned a blind eye to specific ‘positive’ experiences that I was participating in.
And it’s like in that one moment, ALL the judgment in my mind comes up and just floods over me and I feel just overwhelmed with self-judgment, self-doubt, and self-rejection. Absolutely convinced that yes I am ‘unworthy’ because oh look at all the ways in which I am not who and how I believe I should be right now.
So clearly I am not having much ‘appreciation’ for myself. More looking at all the ‘bad’ and using that to define me, rather than looking at how to simply support myself. And also not having much appreciation for others as I use other people to compare myself and compete, and subsequently apparently ‘failing’, rather than simply appreciating what I can learn from people and how I can use others within who and how they are, to learn and grow and change and become a better person.
So kind of stepping out of that ‘competitive’ mind-set wherein life actually sort of feels like a war-zone and it’s ‘every man for himself’ and it’s ‘do or die’ and you ‘can’t fall behind’ and ‘gotta keep up’ and everybody around you is basically your enemy. And where it’s like you only get one shot and either you get it right or you fail and die a failure. Where there’s basically no such thing as ‘support’ or ‘compassion’ or ‘cooperation’. And you feel like you’re just a lone soldier standing alone and isolated on a cold battlefield.
But that’s the mind. The mind is all about that life. All about competition and comparison and a ‘fight to the death’. And it’s a challenge to change that to how things could be and to what is actually best for all. Which is to exits in simply an appreciation of life. And within that appreciation, you get to learn from others and so grow and change and become better, through others. Where in fact there’s only the principle of ‘none are free until all are free’, and so you work together, learn from each other, support each other and take care of each other and you stand in ONENESS and EQUALITY.
Monday, February 17, 2020
This is a continuation of my previous blog "Moving at the Speed of Light"
What you allow yourself to do onto another is what you allow within yourself. It's a little considered principle but it's essentially how you create your reality and your experience within and of your reality. What are the emotions and the thoughts that you allow towards those around you? In which ways are you disregarding, neglecting or not considering the effects on those around you, of even the slightest reactions you allow within you?
Heaven is created through how you live for others. And hell is created in the same way. The things you ALLOW to be done onto others, through your unawareness of your own actions, are the things you create for yourself. Do you have a tendency to wear your emotions 'on your sleeve'? Where it's just you and 'how you're feeling' inside yourself, everyone else be damned?
I mean there's nothing wrong with being honest with yourself about what you're going through. However it's this sort of 'self-interested' mind-set, the 'capitalist' mind-set of 'all that matters is what I want, need and desire' and 'I am an island', and the ways in which you therein don't consider those around you, that makes you poison your reality.
Because, your reality isn't in fact 'just you'. You aren't in fact 'an island'. Your reality consists of you, and everybody else in it. So if you're not considering those in your reality as equal to you, you're just going to end up experiencing exactly what you're creating. But you won't even be aware that you're creating it, cause you haven't been aware of this connection between you and those around you. And that if you're asking 'why is this happening to me?!!', all you need to do is have a look at what you're doing - or not doing - to or for those around you.
Cause a heaven on earth is going to have to include all of us. And it's going to require us to start considering each other, and step out of the 'capitalist mind-set' of 'I am an island'. And place ourselves in each other's shoes and live not just for ourselves.
Monday, February 10, 2020
This is a continuation of my previous post "Desperate for Connection"
When you start staring down into ‘yourself’ and into all the ways and all the points wherein you’re not entirely being ‘self-honest’ or ‘real’ with yourself, all you see is just an infinite and vast amount of dishonesty. Just so many points wherein you’ve given up your power to the mind, and lost touch with yourself, and abdicated self-responsibility.
And I’ve found that, being faced with all of it, I’ve gone into this point of ‘panic’. A panic related to a fear of ‘not making it’. Which has made me rush into trying to change as much as possible and as fast as possible. Trying to walk my process of self-change at quantum speed. Often juggling many different points at once and trying to include as much of the mind as possible when doing my writing and applying self-forgiveness. Really pushing myself to ‘get it done’ as soon as possible.
And because I’m in panic-mode, every little point that comes up from moment to moment, seems of the utmost importance to give my attention to. It’s like every little point that comes up is saying “hey look at this point that you still need to change about yourself! Better get on that Kim, you’re slacking!” And along with that, also going into reactions of judgment of ‘every point I haven’t yet changed’ or of ‘every point I thought I had changed but here it is coming up again!’
And because of all this chasing after the mind in an experience of panic, I never actually feel like I am really on top of anything. Really directing anything. Cause all I can see is just more, and more and more piling up in front of me and, to be honest, I actually kind of feel like I just can’t do it. And I just can’t handle it all. I feel like a little kid, just overwhelmed by expectations, but feeling totally unequipped to live up to them. But not by a lack of trying.
So safe to say my movement within my process has not been…, well I just haven’t been moving all that much actually. Even though I’ve been trying to move at the speed of light, I have only moved incrementally. Cause I’ve been stuck in this pattern. Of believing I could take on the mind all at once. Which has really only made me feel all the more disempowered within myself.
Cause the reality is that my ‘power’ is more within the ‘small’. Within standing in just one singular point. That’s where I can really direct anything and ‘be on top of’ things. When my focus only has to be on just one point that I am changing, and isn’t slung all over the place, trying to focus on multiple points at once. Real power is within taking on just one point at a time, and walking that one point into change.