Friday, July 10, 2020

To Be Different

This is a continuation of my previous post "Tourettes"

There’s this pain in my side, on the left side of my abdomen, that’s come up today. And I thought I'd also just share here how I work with pains in my body to find the related mind-point. Looking into it, with gauging the intensity/location of it, it’s quite a superficial pain so not penetrating into the depths of the organ there, so its not necessarily a ‘deep’ issue. But it is in my ‘internal organs’ area so indicating that it is part of sort of ‘who I am’ inside. My definition of myself. So something that’s ‘mildly’ paining my existence of ‘who I am’ lol. And when I pressed the point what came up was something I’d been looking at earlier actually. This belief I’ve always had of myself as being ‘different’.

Something that’s always made me feel kind of ‘sad’ and ‘defeated’/’deflated’ within myself. Which was also the sensation/inner experience that came up within me when pressing the point on my body. One major point that’s always been sort of on the forefront of myself, has been this desire to ‘relate’ to other people. Yet, at the same time always coming back to the point of not being able to shake the perception and experience that there’s just ‘something’ that’s ‘different’ about me. That for whatever reason, I seem to be unable to connect with and relate to other people in the way that people seem to generally relate and connect with each other.

I would talk about how I experience myself and how I see things with people, to try and understand or try and figure out what is going on. To try and get to the bottom of what it is and why my experience of myself in this world always seemed just ‘different’. Just in how my mind operated and the things that were in my conscious mind awareness. It’s like, in a way I was like everybody else, but at the same time I wasn’t, in some substantial kind of way.

Not just in how I experienced myself, but also just my general expression. How I respond to things. My ‘social behavior’. And the way my mind processes things. It was always a little ‘off’ lol. Just that little bit ‘different’. Just that little bit ‘shifted’ from what’s ‘normal’. But even just that ‘little bit’ of difference, made all the difference lol. It’s made me go, “WTF is going on here!” for much of my life. And I’m sure it’s what ultimately pushed me to start walking my process with Desteni, to just try and get to the bottom of WTF is going on so I could stop feeling so ‘out of place’ and ‘weird’ and ‘shifted’ all the time. So I could finally answer that question mark that has haunted me and get some sense of stability within myself in terms of just knowing who I am.

So anyways lol, this pain in my abdomen was essentially showing me that I am still busy ‘defining’ myself according to this belief of ‘I am different’, connected with emotional experiences of separation, disconnection, sadness and aloneness. I had already walked some self-forgiveness and had supported myself to come to a realization that pretty much the reason why I’ve always felt so ‘different’, so separated, disconnected, out of place, left out and alone was primarily because I just never had an understanding of things. Not understanding why my mind is the way it is and what the mind is to begin with. Not understanding or seeing how the mind exists and that what made me ‘different’ was more a consequence of certain things that happened in the development of my mind and the integration between my mind, being and body that took place even in the womb.

I’m not ACTUALLY ‘different’. In terms of the mind and how it’s structured and operates, sure, just like with human beings who suffer from mental illnesses, I’m ‘different’. But at the end of the day I am a being, who has been programmed within a mind consciousness system here on earth. And who now must walk their process of self-responsibility. Of figuring it all out for myself. And because of my ‘unique’ and ‘different’ mind my process may be a little different as well. But I mean, the mind is the mind. The system and structure and the building blocks of it is exactly the same in everybody. Sometimes things just happen within a beings life that cause some form of ‘trauma’ to the mind and that create these sort of ‘shifts’ where the mind just develops a little differently than normal. It’s just ‘tough luck’, cause you still need to walk your process with and through your mind the way that it is. At the end of the day it’s what you’ve accepted and allowed so it’s now yours to take responsibility for.

For support with body-pains and with identifying the related mind-points, find me on Space of Grace where I do QCK sessions.


Thursday, July 9, 2020


This is a continuation of my previous post "You're a Fucking Bitch"

Looking back on my life in general, there were many moments, many memories I have, wherein I seemed to deliberately place myself in situations that just caused me greater stress and anxiety and emotional inner conflict than I was already experiencing. Where I was for instance doing things because of some belief or idea in my mind of ‘oh this is what I’m supposed to be doing’ and completely ignored the fact that what I was doing was making me feel extremely uncomfortable. Like there was just a complete disregard for my own feelings and inner experiences and on top of that as well a tendency to almost deliberately make myself feel uncomfortable and uneasy. Like a bullying of myself in a way.

In fact most of the things I did, in terms of the people I chose to hang out with and the activities we participated in, actually made me feel very anxious. And if I had listened to myself and done what was best for me, I simply would not have chosen  those friends/activities. Yet, I did all of it because I believed it’s what I wanted. It’s only now, being more aware of who I am in my mind, that I am realizing and seeing that I was living this programming of being harmful towards myself – in terms of basically rather than doing what made me feel good, comfortable and pleasant, I did that which made me feel uncomfortable, anxious, nervous, ashamed and conflicted within myself. And I felt good about that! Lol

And then I’d also sometimes ended up blaming other people for judging me, instead of realizing that I placed myself in that situation to begin with, kind of throwing myself to the vultures, being vulnerable to be judged. Because sure, judgment is a thing. People judge. And yes if you’re going to behave and express yourself in a certain way, people are going to judge you in a certain way. So it’s almost like I deliberately did things that would cause others as well as myself to judge me, so that I could then go and feel ashamed and embarrassed and disappointed within myself, over and over and over again.

It’s kind of similar to people who have Tourettes. You see them reacting immediately to their own behavior and expression with shame, guilt and embarrassment. But it’s like they can’t help themselves. There’s something inside of them that needs/wants to do it. It’s that addiction to ‘self-harm’. Something inside them that yes, DELIBERATELY, places them in situations wherein they WILL end up feeling bad about themselves in some way.

So why do this? What’s going on here? What I traced it back to within myself  is this sort of attachment to ‘relationships’. Or rather, a more intense one than within your average human. A more intense sense of ‘I just want to be friends’ or ‘I want you to like me’. It’s kind of a ‘relationship demon’. And it’s interesting because ‘relationships’ actually means self-compromise. Cause the more you want or try to create relationships with others, the more you’re willing to not be yourself just so you can please others. It’s a form of self-abuse. Cause you’re just not considering yourself in any way whatsoever, as you’ll do anything just to be ‘liked by others’.

And I mean me personally have never been able to imagine NOT having this desire for relationships. To be able to ‘just be myself’ when I’m around other people. Also the concept of ‘agreements’ was always something unfathomable to me. Only now are my eyes starting to open to the possibilities of existing beyond this ‘relationship preprogramming’. To consider that it’s possible to be ‘together’ with another person, yet not in a ‘relationship’, but in an ‘agreement’. And for me to honor my relationship with myself instead.

Monday, July 6, 2020

You're a Fucking Bitch

This is a continuation of my previous post "LIFE in the DARKNESS"

I’ve always had this big fear of people thinking I’m a ‘bitch’. You know, someone who is snappy and reactive and takes their anger and frustrations and reactions out on those around her. So I’ve always done my darnest to be suuuuuuuper nice. Nice and friendly and cheerful and pleasant and enjoyable and whatever you want, as long as you don’t ever think that I am a ‘bitch’. I mean I’m talking about an actual phobia here. Like I am TERRIFIED of being judged as a ‘bitch’.

But the thing is, that I have also noticed a pattern of there being reactions of anger that in moments want to come up in relation to the people in my reality. Moments of wanting to voice an ‘opinion’ on something, which on the surface seems ‘innocent’ enough but when I have a closer look is actually coming from suppressed anger and frustration. And so if I’d actually allow myself to speak that ‘opinion’ in that moment, yes it would come across as ‘bitchy’. Because even though I may not be aware of my hidden, suppressed anger hiding behind the comment, other people would surely pick up on it.

So why are these moments of hidden/suppressed anger as snide/bitchy comments wanting to come up? Because I’m trying to be so nice all the time lol. Cause for most of the time I am not actually being myself. I’m not allowing myself to relax and be myself, as I’m trying to always ‘hold it all together’ within ‘just trying to be a nice person’. It’s like all that ‘niceness’ and all the worrying about what people think of me creates this ‘pressure’ inside myself that comes out as ANGER.

And it’s funny actually because even though I’ve always been such a ‘nice’ person, someone who never gets angry at anyone, I’ve always had ‘resting bitch-face’ lol. In a way my face always showed the anger that I was busy suppressing. Or rather the anger inside myself that was the result of me suppressing my expression and not allowing myself to be myself. An anger which I then also did not express obviously.

My physical body was essentially showing that even though I try so hard to be such a ‘nice person’, I am actually not happy about it lol. And so I’ve created this ‘polarity’ within and as myself of on the one hand being ‘super nice’ and on the other hand being actually very grumpy and so ‘bitchy’ I guess. And both going hand in hand, since I’m really only grumpy and bitchy BECAUSE I think I need to be ‘nice’ and can’t just be ‘me’.

So in a way, as I am smiling at people within the ‘nice person’ character, I am actually at the same time angry at them because I feel like I HAVE TO be ‘nice’ to them or they’ll judge me for being a ‘bitch’. What a mind-fuck. So yes all those times when people asked me what I’m angry about because of my ‘resting bitch-face’ and I didn’t see what I might have been angry about at all and so believed people were just judging my appearance, they actually weren’t far off. They were just seeing an anger that was physically manifested as it was so suppressed and so unconscious within me. I was in no way even aware of it myself.

So obviously the real problem here is the ‘nice person character’, or rather ‘personality design’. This whole, ‘oh everybody needs to like me’, and ‘it’s important I get along with everybody’ and ‘everyone needs to be my friend’ bullshit. Cause it just feels so disingenuous to be at once so ‘friendly’ and so resentful in relation to people. That behind ‘please be my friend’, there exists an ‘I fear/hate you and don’t actually want to have anything to do with you’.

No wonder that I have the hardest time actually making REAL friends. Like, actually connecting and relating with people on a real and genuine level. It’s always with a ‘fake smile’ that I interact with people. A forced smile, motivated by fear.

So I need to basically find a way to sort of be Ok with myself. Not looking for any ‘friendship’ from the people around me. So I can be ‘genuine’. And it’s funny that I always wanted to be genuine, so that people would like me better. While being genuine is more about just liking yourself and being your own friend, not really being bothered with ‘other people’.

Saturday, July 4, 2020


This is a continuation of my previous post "The Pain of Living"

So these two moles on my arm that I am having checked out. When I look into it for myself in terms of what is there, I can see that there is a 'system' there. A 'deep' system, of lots of anger and disempowerment. Anger at feeling disempowered. And it's become this 'personality design' within and as me. Something that exists on that 'deeper level' that's always sort of there but that I haven't been able to quite pinpoint, because it's always been so much just 'me'.

And I mean with seeing the extent of this system, it wouldn't surprise me that it turns out to be cancer lol. I mean there is just a LOT of anger there. A lot of suppressed anger, and even almost this point of having decided that I am going to die, in a way. Like just because I am so angry, there is a decision there that I'm just going to die or something. Die out of spite, basically. Not that I've ever been 'suicidal' in that sense, or have had thoughts of wanting to die in any way. The anger is more like I feel so angry, so seething and furiated, because of feeling SO disempowered, that it feels as though my only point of 'power' has been that one 'decision' of 'ok then I will just die'. To take the anger out on myself within the decision that I'm going to die.  That I will hold myself in the point of anger as though I am actually already dead. Already not really living. Already living the point of 'death'.

Enveloped by darkness, standing in a point of 'nothingness' and 'emptiness'. Because everything else about this world and reality scares me and makes me feel disempowered. And I don't really know how to live and exist in this world without feeling that way. And it angers me. Quite a lot, evidently. I just haven't been very aware of the anger there. I've been aware of the fear, yes. Of all the insecurity and the feeling disempowered. That, I am always aware of. But then anger I am only now becoming aware of. So maybe from that perspective it is specific that I am now having these moles checked out, for me to start really becoming aware of the programming and systems connected with them. Being just lots of FEAR and ANGER.

For me to start assisting and supporting myself to change this personality design, because clearly it is not best for me. It's always made me feel as though I am not really 'here' in this world. Always in some form of inner conflict. Like, I can see this world with my eyes, but on the inside I cannot relate and cannot connect and feel as though in a sense I am already dead. Like here's no real life in me to connect with the 'life' that I am seeing in and as this world.  I have been existing in this world, but have never actually lived. I have existed in and as death. And within that essentially living the decision that I'm probably going to have an early death.

Because to tell the truth, death has felt like a sort of 'comfort' to me lol. At least I am realizing now. As in the point of 'death', of emptiness, darkness and nothingness has been the only thing that has in any way felt 'stable' to me. Something that I can 'control'. Something that doesn't scare me necessarily, that doesn't trigger fear and disempowerment within me. Like, yes it may be darkness and emptiness and nothingness, but at least it doesn't make me feel all unstable, scared and disempowered like just about everything in this world does. And it's the point of anger, of 'standing still' in and as 'death' within myself, that's the ONE singular point wherein I feel like I actually exist, as weird and contradicting as that may sound. The anger/darkness is a form of 'stability'. A point of 'here-ness'. Like a 'table' that I can come back to. Like 'oh yes I am here. This is where I exist'.

And in a way it is a sort of realizing that 'death' is 'life'. That they are one and the same thing. They're both just 'here'. There's death and life, and then there's the mind. So in a way death/life is LIFE as HERE and the mind is DEATH. Because it's the mind that makes me lose myself. It's the mind that creates illusions, which trigger emotions like fear, which makes me lose myself, and lose my 'here-ness' and my stability - and makes me feel, and be, effectively 'dead', as in unable to connect or relate to what is HERE as reality. Unable to see myself in what is HERE.

So maybe it's not such a bad thing to want to be 'dead'. The anger, yes, that's a problem, and is a consequence of having so much FEAR. And is showing me I need to start really taking responsibility for all my fears. Can't just be allowing myself to 'lose myself', but I must rather realize that there is a 'table' that's here for me to always come back to. There is an actual stability, a 'here-ness' within and as me. That darkness, that 'nothingness'/'emptiness', that's real. That's the real me. I am not ACTUALLY 'lost'. The lostness is an illusion fabricated by the mind through its many creative and ingenious ways to trigger FEAR. Through THINKING, which I do a lot of lol.

I've always been a 'thinker'. So yes, quite problematic lol. And it's always been so casually pointed out to me, that 'oh I'm a thinker'. Like it's something that's Ok. Like it's not hugely problematic in terms of how much power I give away to the mind through the act of thinking, to the point where I would eventually believe myself to be truly 'lost' within and through FEAR. Like, no, it's not Ok to be a 'thinker'. You should really STOP thinking. Stop giving all that power away to the mind. You just make yourself feel disempowered and angry and feel lost within it all. Better to just be HERE. In the darkness. In breath. There where I can be certain that I exist. Where I sit at the table of existence, in and as life, and in and as death. Where there is no fear and no anger, and no thoughts. Where there is no MIND.

Thursday, July 2, 2020

The Pain of Living

This is a continuation of my previous post "Just Stop Trying Already"

I went to the doctor to have some moles checked out today. And sitting/lying there as he is giving me needles with anesthesia, I suddenly became ‘painfully’ aware of how ‘pain’ is such a gruesome, yet everyday part of our reality.  And how some people go through unspeakable pains and physical suffering, due to getting sick in some way. And how I probably at some point as well will have to face unimaginable physical suffering. I mean I can only ‘imagine’ what death must feel like when all your organs are shutting down and you feel the life leave your body.

That kind of pain is something that I have been fortunate enough to have sort of been sheltered from throughout my life so far. But it’s certainly PAIN which brings the awareness into the body and in a not-so-nice way forces you to see what is REAL. When you are in physical PAIN, suddenly all your fears and anxieties and all your thoughts and emotional states magically fall away. Suddenly all of that becomes entirely irrelevant. Because it is. None of that has anything to do with actual reality whatsoever.

You become aware that you are just a physical being and that all that matters is the physical body and whether it is taken care of. And PAIN shows that we don’t actually take care of the physical reality. PAIN is a consequence of the fact that we, as humanity, have always placed the physical body’s importance inferior to for example our mind. Our emotions and feelings and our fears and thoughts and whatever it is that occupies our mind. Whatever it is we BELIEVE to be of the utmost importance. Until PAIN comes along and shows us BEYOND a doubt that it is not.

We could be living forever. We could have found the antidote for pain. We could be existing without physical suffering of any form in this world. But our priorities always lay elsewhere. We rather used and abused the physical body, and this physical reality, for the sake of our MIND. For the sake of getting to experience whatever made us feel important and special in our MIND. And then we have pain, and illness and disease, and death – to remind us that at the end of the day, who we believe we are and what we believe to be real in our mind is not what matters. It never mattered. But now it is too late.

Now we have to face and deal with pain. Each and every single one of us. I will face it. And you will face it. It is our consequence, for having taken this physical existence for granted. We’ve only created more and more and more pain and suffering, instead of finding ways to make it less and ensure that life on earth is as little suffering as possible.

And we thought we could get away with it. With, oh maybe if we just direct all the suffering to some people, so that a select few can experience relative comfort with less suffering. Where some people in this world will suffer in unspeakable ways, and nobody cares, while others live in comfort and luxury and have enough money to have their physical body taken care of. But at the end of the day we face the same reality. One wherein every physical system has been greatly neglected and taken to it’s worst, most inferior possible form. So at the end of the day we all suffer, because we did not consider equality. And we did not consider what is best for all. Or what even fucking makes sense.