Friday, January 24, 2020

The Unwillingness to Give up on Something

This is a continuation of my previous post "I am a Pushover"

So when it comes to 'self-honesty', it's an interesting thing. Because, you'll only be 'self-honest' within the bounds of what you're 'willing' to be 'self-honest' about. There are things that you just won't want to 'touch'. Things that are so fueled by 'fear', that you're so afraid of 'losing', that you simply won't 'go there'. And things that are therefore 'veiled' from your own awareness.

Those are the things that make us 'evil'. Our points of 'possession'. Where we 'don't want to let go' of something. And there's a side of us that turns 'demonic' in a sense, as it tries to 'hide' and 'cling to' and 'safeguard' and 'defend', even from ourselves. Because no one, even ourselves, must ever 'touch' this point. Because that is how unwilling we are to 'give it up'.

We just can't even 'fathom' life without that point. It'll be our 'anchoring' point in this world. Like 'the one positive' that we have, and will cling to and defined tooth and nail. So it very much originates from like our 'deepest fear'. A fear we've come to accept and which we 'won't question'. Cause that point of fear is almost what the entirety of 'you' and 'your world' pivots around.

And then there's something that comes into your life and sort of gives you 'exactly what you were looking for'.  Your 'light in the darkness'. Your 'anchor'. Something that makes you feel less lost, makes you feel like you 'belong' and gives you a 'safe haven'. Something you accept as 'good' and therefore will never question the fear that's actually always been behind it.

And it's the things that are 'good' that we don't tend to question. The positive feelings. Cause, reality isn't 'good'. In fact, before this 'good' thing came into our lives, things were mostly 'bad'. And who wants to go back to that? So it takes a RADICAL level of self-honesty to start lifting that 'veil' and to start 'touching' that which would force us to face our deepest fear. To essentially let go of the 'one positive' and sort of plunge into that 'uncertainty' that's been hiding underneath.

Thursday, January 23, 2020

I Am a Pushover

This is a continuation of my previous post "I Don't Want the Spotlight"

The more I am 'getting to know' myself, the more I'm realizing that I'm sort of a 'push-over' lol. Like a 'super-softie'. To the point where, I have trouble 'getting angry' or 'fighting back'. And I always thought I was being a 'weakling' because of that. And that I need to 'toughen up' sort of, and 'fight back' and 'stand up for myself', and 'have some character'. And I'd essentially 'judge myself' for being so...'easy' lol. Like you could just do anything with me and I wouldn't resist or fight back.

Surely I 'should have some backbone' and 'have some spunk in me'. And that's what anybody would tell you. But you know what? What if it's 'ok' for me to be like this? I mean what if that 'spunk' or 'backbone' or 'character' simply does not exist in me? Is that really so bad?

I'm starting to consider that there's maybe not actually anything 'wrong' with being 'soft' and 'gentle' and 'kind'. I mean it's kind of nice actually. I don't mind it lol. Why have 'sharp edges'? Is that REALLY 'necessary'? Sure in this world it does seem 'necessary', but it's not what's actually 'best'. But it's almost like us humans have 'embraced' that like 'harshness'. A 'reactiveness'. That point of like 'having character', as in like having some kind of 'expression' that you have to sort of 'fight for' in a way. where our 'communication' is almost like a 'fighting' for and with our 'expression' and 'character'.

So in the eyes of 'this world', yeah, I'm a big ol' 'pushover'. I 'lack character' and it's almost as though I don't even really 'exist' because of it. BUT I'm learning that, instead of judging it, and trying to change it, I need to actually just 'accept' it. Cause I mean at the end of the day, it's 'me'. And maybe I may not 'exist' in 'this world', but I do exist for me. And that's good enough.

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

I Don't Want the Spotlight

This is a continuation of my previous post "Is Existing in Fear 'Normal'?"

There's an interesting 'programming' that I learned to live throughout my life. A programming of 'shyness'. Of sort of the point of 'you should never think highly of yourself'. Don't ever think that you are 'the bees knees', or that you're 'great' or 'amazing'. Rather always sort of 'hold your head down' and think 'less' of yourself and hold yourself back. Like, there's always MORE 'reasons' to think 'less' of yourself, than there are to think highly of yourself.

But then it's interesting because, those that don't seem to have any issues with glorifying themselves, placing themselves on a pedestal and honoring themselves, sort of seem to do it 'for all the wrong reasons'. Like, that's not the stuff we should be honoring or glorifying! And meanwhile, those that are more 'shy' and 'bashful' and 'modest' seem to be possessing certain 'traits' and 'expressions' that in fact SHOULD be 'glorified', 'honored' and 'placed on a pedestal'. But then they will choose not to 'take the spotlight'.

And isn't this the perfect programming though? To make sure that the things that are actually best, are never seen or considered. And that we will only place our attention onto that which sort of represents the 'worst' in us. Because those that actually 'care' and are the 'solution', think they're not 'important' enough and 'don't deserve the attention', and will give themselves all sorts of 'reasons' as to 'why' they should rather 'take a step down' or 'hold back' or 'be in the background', rather than being the one in the 'spotlight'.

And like, you'll even have an 'aversion' to it. Like, "me? The spotlight? NO! No way! Not me! Never!" But, have you ever asked yourself 'why' you think this way? Why do you NOT think you're 'all that'? Why are you NOT honoring yourself and recognizing your 'importance', and your 'greatness'? Is it truly 'benevolent' of you to hide behind 'shyness', or is it just a programming?

Tuesday, January 21, 2020

Is Existing in Fear 'Normal'?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Who Am I?"

And so it's basically about the point of 'passion'. Cause passion is in a way something 'fragile' or 'vulnerable'. Like there will always be so many 'reasons' that the mind can come up with to make me abandon my 'passion'. To make me abandon myself. Like reasons for why my passion is stupid and why i shouldn't go there and shouldnt do it and why i shouldnt be 'passionate'. Why its better to just hide behind fear and be 'dead' inside. Since that's what fear really does. It kills the 'life' inside you, which is 'passion'.

It's that point of 'innocence'. A sort of innocent 'movement' towards something because 'in your heart' that's what's 'real'. And it will be something that you sort of stand alone in, and that seems to 'go against' the 'status quo' and the 'normal', because simply put, in this world people are 'dead'. People exist in fear and that's consider the 'normal'. Passion as 'innocence' is abandoned, cause it's 'too vulnerable', 'too real', 'too fragile'.

And here I am, having abandoned my passion just the same. Even when I did become aware of it. And even when I did realize that it's the only thing that's real. I just went right back into the 'normal' as 'fear'. Knowing that I 'lost' something, and that I'm not quite 'me'. But not being able to even see 'how' or what's going on exactly. Not even being aware that I made that decision, to abandon my passion.

Cause it's hiding, and has been hiding throughout my entire life, behind layers and layers of mind consciousness system programming that is the very opposite of my 'passion'. And so now I must still walk through those layers. And start understanding why and how I've created those layers and chose to abandon my passion. Walk through years and years and years of programming. And keep reminding myself of who I really am. Of my passion, hiding underneath it all. Because before I know it, I lose myself in the programming again and 'forget'. So I walk DIP, and write my blogs, to support myself to 'be on top of it'.

Monday, January 20, 2020

Who am I?

This is a continuation of my previous post "I'm the Best Slave"

My whole life I've been petrified of being 'wrong' in any way. It mostly started, and probably originated actually, in school. Where I would watch the 'bad kids', which were basically just the ones who didn't one hundred percent 'behave', get humiliated and scolded and punished by the 'teachers'. And I just remember feeling sorry for them and thinking, "I don't EVER want to be in that position!" "I don't ever want to be the 'wrong' one or the 'bad' one, who gets all the shit rained down on them".

I was just absolutely freaking PETRIFIED of what I saw those teachers do to those 'poor kids'. It was horrifying sometimes. Just the DELIBERATE things they would do. Like saying and doing things that were clearly intended to make the children 'feel bad'. Not just bad, feel 'horrible' actually. Feel small and insignificant and humiliated and embarrassed. And I just was really, really afraid of that. To have that 'wrath of the Gods' lol come down on me. And they did seem to be 'Gods' back then.

There are maybe one or two teachers that I can recall who didn't have that 'mean side' to them. Out of maybe the forty that I've known, growing up. And I mean, that's fucking sad. But anyways, I've basically since then I guess been living with this petrifying fear of being 'wrong' or 'bad'. Like a 'I will almost pass out' kind of fear lol.

And the thing with this fear is that, oftentimes I can't actually 'know' whether I'm 'wrong' or not. In school it was easy cause you just had to behave a certain way and do certain things. Sort of just 'keep your head down'. But like, what about on an existential level?? How can I possibly KNOW whether I'm 'doing the right thing'? Cause I got no one on the side line telling me that I'm 'doing great' or sort of saying like 'yeah this is good' or 'this is bad' or 'this is right' and 'this is wrong'. And that's where the fear of being 'wrong' can be OVERWHELMING lol. Cause, since there's no specific 'parameters' or 'markers' in terms of what exactly is 'wrong' or 'right', that fear sort of has all the freedom to just spin out into eternity.

But then this is just the 'disease' of self-interest isn't it? Of 'consciousness'. To be 'interested' in 'one-self' and the 'who', 'what' and 'how' you 'are'. Looking for those 'definitions' making up the 'who am I'. To be 'conscious' of 'oneself'. Cause that's basically what this is. Being 'self-conscious'. But, I mean at the end of the day it's all just fear. Or in my case a PETRIFICATION, programmed during childhood. So even though it's all about 'who I am', it's not actually who I really am. It's just a 'program' of 'thinking' based on FEAR.

Sunday, January 19, 2020

I'm the Best Slave

This is a continuation of my previous post "Things are Not Alright"

COMPARISON is like saying "oh I'm just a slave. And I'm just trying to be the best slave I can be, so therefore I compare myself to all the other slaves to try and figure out how to be a good slave". I mean, cause to be a 'creator' obviously there'd be no comparison. Cause you would stand alone. You would be 'unique'. Only a 'slave', something that doesn't 'exist' in and of itself and something that isn't the 'master' of it's own existence, would thus 'compare itself'.

And I've been coming to grips with the extent to which I have indeed accepted and allowed myself as a 'slave'. Truly doing nothing but compare myself with 'other people' from that starting point of 'I just want to know how to be and what to do so I can be good'. So I can 'fit in', and basically 'do my job' as a 'good slave'. And just how little I've ever really done anything that was 'self-directed', if anything at all.

Cause, when it comes to thoughts and feelings and emotions, I've never been like, "wait a minute... this isn't me!" I just accepted that, just because they're in a way 'already here', they must be me. They must be 'reality'. Accepting myself as 'the created', or 'the creation'. And, not even as 'creation' actually, because then at least I would realize the oneness and equality of everything in and as me. No, I am only 'the created'. A thing that has no self-power, no self-will or self-direction. A 'victim' of who- or whatever it is that might have 'created me', AND of that which I'm supposed to be as 'the created'.

So how does that 'slave', the 'created', something that doesn't in fact 'exist', become 'the creator' - become self-willed, self-aware and 'real'? That's where DIP comes in. I mean it literally walks you through that process of what it means to be truly 'self-aware'. Through a process of 'specificity'. And, there's really no other way. You have to get SPECIFIC with exactly HOW you are 'not real', and with what it means to be 'real'. Taking ownership of every little aspect of yourself.

And the 'mind of the slave' is like 'allergic' to specificity lol. And so will RESIST that process immensely. But, if you want to be 'real', it's just something you need to 'get over' and 'get used to' basically. Cause it's going to be there every step of the way. So, resistance is like your 'marker' in your process of becoming real.

Friday, January 17, 2020

Things are not Alright

So the point that's been becoming abundantly clear is that, I am so extremely self-dishonest that I truly do not 'deserve' to be a part of existence. That if I don't in every moment 'force' myself into self-honesty, I WILL find ways to 'fuck around', and avoid the point of self-honesty at all cost.

Like, my 'default' mode is 'rampant self-dishonesty'. And so it takes RADICAL discipline and effort to change that. There's just no other way. It's really like 'give me a hand and I'll take an arm' sort of situation here. Like, give me ANY leeway, ANY small little opening or opportunity to sabotage, and hide, and avoid and twist and deceive, and I will. I simply 'cannot be trusted' lol.

And so there's just a constant tendency to sort of go into 'love and light'. To give sort of a 'positive spin' on things and hang out more in the 'positive' and 'lightheartedness'. Where, 'oh, things are not so bad', and 'oh, I am actually quite an innocent being', and 'oh it's all just the mind. It's not really my fault'. It's kind of like looking for a 'pat on the back'.

Like, Ok I went through all that bad stuff and I felt bad about myself. Let's not do that again. So the 'programming' there is like having that constant 'see-sawing' and 'back-and-forth' of 'oh I'm bad', 'oh no I'm good', 'oh no I'm bad', 'oh no I'm actually good'. Rather than just staying in the 'bad' so to speak. Cause the 'bad' is sort of just pointing out your 'mistakes' or your 'flaws' basically. The stuff you KNOW you 'did wrong'. The things about you that you know you need to change and just aren't 'alright'.

But it's just this constant 'movement' or 'tendency' towards the sort of 'comforting' and 'approval' and 'reassurance'. For someone or something to just tell you that "oh it's all alright actually. Don't worry about it". When, actually, you know what. Yeah, you should be 'worrying' about it. As in you should be actively trying to change it. And so, in a sense, you should feel 'uncomfortable' about it, as a 'reminder' that 'things are not alright' and that there is an 'urgency' to change yourself.

But the 'programming' is basically to believe that the 'good', the 'positive', the 'lightheartedness', is the 'normal'. The 'default'. That's how I 'should experience myself', at the end of the day. And that the 'bad', is always only for a moment. That's why it's often so 'unfathomable' when things happen that sort of completely take away all chance of going back to that 'positive normal'. Like a relationship break-up, or losing your job, getting some terminal illness, losing something/someone valuable in your life, things like that. When really, those kind of events are only showing you that your 'positive normal' is a LIE. And that the ACTUAL 'default' is the 'negative'.