The Potential Me vs the Actual Me

This is a continuation of my previous post "Let me be Bad"

So there's basically a 'potential you', as in the 'best version of you', but then there's also the 'actual you', as just the 'reality' of how you're existing. And it's kind of like you're existing in the middle of these two, deciding in every moment which one you 'really are'.

But I've found that, when you're not entirely clear with yourself about 'where you're at' within it all, it's sort of easy or 'easier' to 'revert' to 'what you're used to' and 'who and how you've always been'. Which is essentially the 'you' in the mind. Cause it's kind of like, you're not entirely clear about the fact that, you do face a 'choice' in every moment. So you kind of just go into 'default mode'.

So it's good to 'clarify' with yourself what exactly your 'potential' is and what your 'default mode' is. So you can 'empower' yourself to be an 'educated voter' lol when it comes to yourself. For instance my 'default mode' is to go into thoughts and energies of comparison, self-glorification, superiority, specialness and self-importance. But I know that my 'potential', as in simply 'what is best' lol but also sort of my 'best self' and who I know I am deep down sort of, is in fact entirely 'self-less'. To in fact have no 'self' but to be very much 'involved' with 'others' and the reality around me. To thus not even 'exist' at all as my 'self' IS 'other beings'. Living more 'externally' than 'internally'. And yet, somehow throughout my life I've ONLY been existing 'internally'.

And this is also the thing, that your default mode is like the complete opposite of your potential. So the more you 'give in' to the 'default', the further you're moving away from your potential, and the more difficult it'll become to move into your potential. But then that's just the way it's been designed. You didn't think realizing yourself would be 'easy', did you? lol

So you want to basically be able to 'tell' when you're clearly just existing 'by default', so it doesn't end up 'going under the radar'. So you don't end up 'slipping' into it, unnoticed. So you want to just get REAL familiar with your 'programming'. Or, I do anyways lol, cause I am just talking to myself mostly here. And I have definitely been noticing just how 'lenient' I have actually been. Sort of just letting things 'fly under the radar' and go 'unchecked'. Things I really should be directing a lot better. Because too many times I do find myself 'lost' within the mind because of the thoughts and energies I believed were 'harmless'. But then having to realize that I did also 'lose' whatever 'potential' I was at some point seeing for and of myself.

So realizing how important it is to clarify for myself exactly what my 'potential' is, so I can effectively 'make my choice' in those moments when I tend to 'lose myself' the most.

Let me be Bad

This is a continuation of my previous post "I Give up my Self to Fear".

I've always participated in 'emotional manipulation' based on 'moral righteousness' when it comes to my relationships with people. As in, always doing my 'very best' to 'be a good person' and 'do the right thing'. Being the 'perfect wife', the 'perfect friend', the 'perfect daughter', and I'm sure if I had children I'd try to be the 'perfect mother'. 'Perfect' as in, always 'doing my best' to 'do the right thing'. Maybe I'm not actually 'perfect' in fact, but the fact that I 'try my hardest' and essentially give up my 'self' just to try and 'do what's right', sort of gives me a 'moral high-ground'.

I get to now use 'guilt' as 'manipulation', making other people feel like they 'owe me' because of all the things I 'do for them'. Because 'oh look what a good person I am' and 'all I do is just trying my best to do what's right' and 'I just care so much'. When, all I'm ACTUALLY doing, is that I'm just 'giving up myself', for 'relationships'. For 'other people'. And then basically expecting people to do the same for me, using guilt as 'manipulation' to try to make that happen.

I mean this whole 'I'm just trying to do what's right' and 'I'm just trying to be a good person'. It's a personality. It's not who I really am. It's just something that I have 'learned' or 'copied', because I was 'manipulated' in the same way. But it's not actually the 'real me'. I don't actually have to 'care that much' about other people. I don't have to lay down my life and give up my self just to 'do right by people'. I don't have to be a 'good person'. Cause it's all actually just manipulation, to try and get other people to give me what I'm not giving myself. And to try and 'compensate' for the fact that I'm not caring about myself as I'm too busy trying to be everything for everyone else.

Cause in fact, I am not actually 'perfect', or 'good' or 'righteous'. No matter how hard I 'try', there's actually always going to be parts of me that are 'bad' and 'evil'. Parts of myself where I don't actually 'care'. Where I'm not actually 'considerate'. Where I'm actually quite 'selfish' or 'ignorant' or 'self-involved'. And, instead of trying to constantly be 'good', I just need to accept that I'm 'not'. And basically drop the belief that I need to be anything for anyone else, cause that's manipulation.

I give up my Self to Fear

This is a continuation of my previous post "Who are you Doing it For?"

I have lived my life in fear. There's been other 'experiences', too, but FEAR has in fact always been there. Always the shadow looming in the background. The thing I always experienced, and actually knew I was experiencing it, yet never admitted to experiencing it.

And if only I had ever admitted to myself just how much - in fact everything - of myself is in fact just 'fear', I would have come to this conclusion long ago. That, what does it matter? Nothing really seems 'relevant' at all when at the end of the day I live in fear. When at the end of the day, I am not the 'master' of myself. Fear is.

Fear, constantly reminding myself that I am 'but a powerless slave' in this world and existence. Because I know not how I was created, how I got here, how any of this works. Therefore I must exist in fear. The mark of the slave. Of the 'un-free'. Fear of that which I 'do not understand'. And there are many things, that I don't understand.

But then, I've never put much effort into getting to understand my world and reality. Equally to how I've abdicated my life to fear, have I given myself up to 'feelings'. Which are the things that 'blind' you actually. The things that thus effectively keep you in fear. So basically, if you find yourself in 'fear' a lot, look at where you tend to follow your 'feelings'. Cause it's in the face of 'feelings' that your 'resolve' is influenced. Your 'standing' and 'self-directive power'. It's in the face of feelings that you are 'tested', as to whether you're standing or not.

Whether you're going to be 'tempted' and 'swayed' to follow energy, or whether you're going to stand and act based on principle. It's the 'who you are' in relation to feelings that actually determines the 'power' fear has over you. It determines your 'propensity' to 'blindly follow' something. And, the thing with feelings is that you're basically 'willingly' signing yourself over. You are a 'willing slave' to the experience.

Who are you Doing it For?

This is a continuation of my previous post "I'm just a Player in the Game"

Or rather, 'what' are you doing it for? But, you'll use specific people in your reality to 'conceal' the 'what'. 'What' am I doing it for, means what is the energy I am actually chasing. The energy that is actually motivating my 'actions'.

Because, until your actions are purely based on 'principles', they're motivated by energy as feelings and emotions. And so they cannot yet be 'trusted', since essentially you're only doing it because you 'feel like it'. Which is fine. Just, get to know the 'point' as your 'what' are you doing it for.

Are you doing it to prove something to someone? Are you looking for recognition? For acceptance? Fame? Glory? Or do you 'just want to fit in'? It's important to ask about 'why' you're really doing something. About the 'what' that you really 'want'. Cause there's always going to be a point of 'self-interest'. ALWAYS. And if you're not seeing it, that just means you're hiding it.


I mean I've found that to be my sort of 'downfall'. When I start doing things 'for' other people. Like when there's thoughts seeping into my mind about 'what are people going to think' or 'whats this or that person going to think'. It just sort of makes me 'lose my footing' in a way. It starts changing and altering my expression. Because now the motivation isn't just 'me' but it's this 'thing'. And 'it' starts driving me . And it's like I can sense that something is 'off', but I can't quite put my finger on, or I'm having a hard time sort of getting back to 'me'. To what's 'natural'.

So it's been quite important for me to ask myself these questions of who am I actually doing it for and what is it that I'm looking for here. To really push that point of self-honesty. Cause I mean it just sucks when you're 'not being yourself'. It just sucks all around lol. Cause it's like you know it, but you kind of feel trapped in this whole sort of 'system' inside of you. Where you kind of feel like the little ball in a pinball machine. Not really knowing where 'you' really are in all of it. And you know it should be so easy to just 'let go' of it, but you just don't know where to start.

But at the end it comes down to, 'do you trust yourself?' Are you 'here' with yourself? Or are you looking towards other people for reassurance? And with 'self-trust' it's really just like, you just gotta at some point trust yourself lol. Self-trust isn't something you necessarily have to work hard to develop or create. You need to just sort of decide to 'just do it'. To sort of just 'stand' within all the things that you do and just sort of be 'here', and stop the 'doubt'.

I'm just a Player in the Game

This is a continuation of my previous post "I can be Evil if I Wanted to"

And like, as long as there exists 'competition' in you, as in 'comparison', you're GONNA always be the 'loser' lol. Cause it's the point you have to eventually face as the 'consequence' of your 'creation'. So if you think you're 'winning', you're definitely losing. So, best to just stay out of that game and just not compare yourself at all. Because, comparison is in fact a sure way for you to abdicate SELF-responsibility. To lose sight of your 'self'.

'Comparison' creates this illusion that somehow we're not just creating and deciding EVERYTHING about ourselves and about how we exist in every singular moment. As though our existence is somehow decided and created by something else. And we're all just sort of existing by a 'luck of the draw'. In one big 'game' or 'competition', wherein we thus must compete against each other to 'make it to the end'. Whatever that 'end' may be.

And you basically believe that, "oh but, I didn't do this. I didn't choose any of this. I'm just a player in this big game, at the mercy of the 'rules' of the game which I certainly did not decide." When, I mean, you DID in fact decide all of it, you just haven't been honest with yourself about it. And at this point, there's just layers and layers of self-dishonesty. So, yes, now, it is going to have to be a 'process' for you walk through and 'peel off' all those layers so you can realize, "oh, lol, I DID create all of it."

And it's quite unfortunate actually. Because yes, there is an 'innocence'. In that, how we've come to create ourselves was very much sort of 'programmed' or 'impulsed' by the 'world' we grew up in. The reality we happened to have been born into. But at the same time there is a responsibility, and that is the point we have always missed. And so, here we are.

I can be Evil if I Wanted to

This is a continuation of my previous post "In it but not Of it"

Do you know why there are full-blown 'psychopaths' and 'sociopaths' and 'abusers' in this world? Cause it exists in all of us. And I'm not talking about the 'innocent' stuff, like jealousy, or anger or rage. Which is more like these 'intense emotions' that take us over and, if pushed just a little further over that edge, might drive us to 'murder' someone for example, sure.

I'm talking about the pure 'inhuman', 'incomprehensible' and 'pure evil' type of 'cruelty'. The kind of cruelty that is 'unwarranted'. That's not necessarily fueled by 'emotions' or 'reactions', but is born from purely just the 'ability' to 'do evil'. A point of 'spitefulness' born from our 'freedom' to 'choose'. It's a very 'small', and seemingly 'irrelevant' point within us. But it's there.

I mean it's basically the consequence of not ever having existed in self-responsibility. And if you'd strip us down, that's all that's really left. That 'vile', secret, spiteful energy of 'I can be evil if I wanted to'. 'Free choice'. It's in fact a sort of pure hate  that comes from never having really existed. From the awareness of the extent to which we have abdicated ourselves as beings. Which at this point really is the only thing that's 'real' about us.

It's the awareness deep, deep down, that all we've ever existed as, all we've ever 'been good for' is to just charge these systems that are in fact the opposite of who we really are. So it's like all our compressed shame, anger, disappointment and disempowerment with ourselves channeled into the one point of 'spitefulness'. Sort of like we're saying "can't be my true self, so might as well just be evil". It's the ultimate having 'given up' on ourselves.

And if we can't be honest with ourselves about that point, then we can't possibly be 'real'. Then nothing of what we do or who we believe ourselves to be, is real. If we can't come to grips with how 'fucked' we actually are. And how 'unlikely' it actually is for us to ever be 'life'.

In it but not Of it

This is a continuation of my previous post "I am the Best"

"To be in it but not of it". That statement always did make sense to me, but it's only now that I'm realizing or learning what it means on a practical level. To be in something but not of it.

To be 'in' a certain 'programming', like a 'relationship' for example. Because yes, relationships are a 'program' of this world and of the mind. So whatever relationship you're 'in' sort of reflects the 'programming' that you've accepted and allowed within and as you. And it'll show you EXACTLY what you've accepted and allowed.

So, even though it often won't be 'pleasant', you have to sort of 'accept' that 'Ok, this is me'. Stop fighting it. Stop expecting things to be 'different' or 'better'. Stop thinking you 'should get better' lol. Cause you're getting exactly what you 'deserve'. Well, not really 'deserve', but more like you're being 'served' exactly what you 'decided', or 'agreed to', or 'allowed', throughout your years of living a preprogrammed existence. So, just sort of find the 'core' of the programming and stand one and equal with that.

What is this relationship showing you, in terms of 'how' it's existing? And, have you actually really taken responsibility for the totality of it? Have you really faced the thing you've become that has created this relationship the way that it is? I mean, find the words to describe the relationship and the 'dynamics' that are playing out, and you'll find the programming you're still living and haven't taken responsibility for.

And if you're finding that there's 'conflict' in you with regards to how it's existing, then just give up the battle. Just be like "Ok, this is me". And sort of, 'play the game', the way you've designed it. Play the role you've created for yourself, and 'accept' the game as it is. Get to the place where there's no more blame, cause it's all only what you've accepted and allowed. All arrows point to you. To me that's what it means to be 'in' it, but not 'of' it.