Being your own worst enemy

 It is interesting, this point was brought home to me through the principle of what your reality is showing you is what you accept and allow, your reality being a mirror to you.  To have a look at specific people in my reality and what they mirror back to me, what stands out is very particular programming of 'being your own worst enemy'. Programming of self-sabotage. Where, there's not much wrong with your environment per se. Your environment is here, and gives you plenty of opportunity for you to create, yet, it's you within yourself who is more choosing to deteriorate rather than move forward and create.

So it's more through seeing what is happening to people in my environment, and in some ways to myself, that I am seeing what I am accepting and allowing in and as me. As in a choice to deteriorate, and hold back, rather than move forward and create. 

Let's take person X as example. Person X does an interesting thing where it is by no lack of trying or talent or skill that they seem to keep cycling in the same unsupportive and dire circumstances and situations. It's more their emotional patterns that cause them to not support themselves properly to move forward in their life and create a supportive physical environment for themselves. They're actually quite driven and decided to make the best of themselves and to 'get ahead' in life and succeed. But a pattern wherein they sabotage themselves in for example, is a 'blame' of their situation, of the world around them, of the universe, and of other people, as to why it is that they cannot seem to move forward or change anything to their circumstances. It is a point of believing that 'I am in this situation because reality is not cooperating'. And so a self-pity as well, which sometimes can spill over into suicidal tendencies even, when the anger and self-pity becomes overwhelming.

I know that to a large extent I have changed this particular programming within myself, where I am quite aware that everything about me and my life is in my hands. That, if I do not move, nothing will. And that thus, I must find a way. Even if everything seems impossible for me to change and do anything. I must find a way, because reality will not do anything for me. In fact, given the current world system, the chips are always stacked against me, if I have any integrity at all and want to create and do anything that involves integrity.

Yet clearly, my reality being a mirror, there are some aspects of it that I have not yet grasped or understood and changed. Because yes, even though I do have this understanding that everything is in my hands, there has still at the same time been this point of 'stuckness' that I've found myself in. Where, I'm not particularly moving either way. Even though, I want to and am trying to. There are some dimensions there of self-sabotage that I have not yet been able to change. Where, I have in a way even given up on trying to find different ways. Given up on truly supporting myself, because no matter what I did, I seemed to always end up feeling stuck. 

So perhaps, working with my reality within the mirror principle may give me some new perspective. And in a way it is a point of expanding my responsibility as well. To take responsibility for the lives of those around me by realizing and seeing how they mirror some points within me that I am accepting and allowing (without being consciously aware of it).

So yes with person X I'm very much working with a pattern of basically feeling stifled, held back and sabotaged at every turn and effort by reality. A sense of 'I am doing and trying everything that I can, but it's reality that isn't cooperating somehow. There is something about the end result of my actions that is out of my hands.' But it's actually a point where I 'give up' and don't push through or venture beyond. And that point has nothing to do with reality but is more a point inside myself that I've decided is too overwhelming or overpowering for me, and I just cannot move past it.

This point being for instance 'fear'. Fears of failing, fears of 'what if this doesn't work out', fears of 'what will people think'... Fears related to 'success' and not being successful at something. So I'll rather opt for what is 'safe' and end up not actually moving or pushing myself in the direction that I actually should be. I'll rather actually more keep things the same, even though they should be, and I'd like them to be better. I can see this fear of failing, fear of doing and trying new things out of fear that the desired result will not be achieved, in person X. And I can see it in myself as well, as my 'stumbling block' that I've been having difficulty moving past. Almost a decision that 'I will not do or try anything where I cannot be certain that the end result will live or measure up to an idea of 'success' that I've already created in my mind. Cause I've decided that anything that doesn't measure up to that idea, is automatically a 'failure'.

To be continued...

LIFE in the DARKNESS

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Pain of Living"

So these two moles on my arm that I am having checked out. When I look into it for myself in terms of what is there, I can see that there is a 'system' there. A 'deep' system, of lots of anger and disempowerment. Anger at feeling disempowered. And it's become this 'personality design' within and as me. Something that exists on that 'deeper level' that's always sort of there but that I haven't been able to quite pinpoint, because it's always been so much just 'me'.

And I mean with seeing the extent of this system, it wouldn't surprise me that it turns out to be cancer lol. I mean there is just a LOT of anger there. A lot of suppressed anger, and even almost this point of having decided that I am going to die, in a way. Like just because I am so angry, there is a decision there that I'm just going to die or something. Die out of spite, basically. Not that I've ever been 'suicidal' in that sense, or have had thoughts of wanting to die in any way. The anger is more like I feel so angry, so seething and furiated, because of feeling SO disempowered, that it feels as though my only point of 'power' has been that one 'decision' of 'ok then I will just die'. To take the anger out on myself within the decision that I'm going to die.  That I will hold myself in the point of anger as though I am actually already dead. Already not really living. Already living the point of 'death'.

Enveloped by darkness, standing in a point of 'nothingness' and 'emptiness'. Because everything else about this world and reality scares me and makes me feel disempowered. And I don't really know how to live and exist in this world without feeling that way. And it angers me. Quite a lot, evidently. I just haven't been very aware of the anger there. I've been aware of the fear, yes. Of all the insecurity and the feeling disempowered. That, I am always aware of. But then anger I am only now becoming aware of. So maybe from that perspective it is specific that I am now having these moles checked out, for me to start really becoming aware of the programming and systems connected with them. Being just lots of FEAR and ANGER.

For me to start assisting and supporting myself to change this personality design, because clearly it is not best for me. It's always made me feel as though I am not really 'here' in this world. Always in some form of inner conflict. Like, I can see this world with my eyes, but on the inside I cannot relate and cannot connect and feel as though in a sense I am already dead. Like here's no real life in me to connect with the 'life' that I am seeing in and as this world.  I have been existing in this world, but have never actually lived. I have existed in and as death. And within that essentially living the decision that I'm probably going to have an early death.

Because to tell the truth, death has felt like a sort of 'comfort' to me lol. At least I am realizing now. As in the point of 'death', of emptiness, darkness and nothingness has been the only thing that has in any way felt 'stable' to me. Something that I can 'control'. Something that doesn't scare me necessarily, that doesn't trigger fear and disempowerment within me. Like, yes it may be darkness and emptiness and nothingness, but at least it doesn't make me feel all unstable, scared and disempowered like just about everything in this world does. And it's the point of anger, of 'standing still' in and as 'death' within myself, that's the ONE singular point wherein I feel like I actually exist, as weird and contradicting as that may sound. The anger/darkness is a form of 'stability'. A point of 'here-ness'. Like a 'table' that I can come back to. Like 'oh yes I am here. This is where I exist'.

And in a way it is a sort of realizing that 'death' is 'life'. That they are one and the same thing. They're both just 'here'. There's death and life, and then there's the mind. So in a way death/life is LIFE as HERE and the mind is DEATH. Because it's the mind that makes me lose myself. It's the mind that creates illusions, which trigger emotions like fear, which makes me lose myself, and lose my 'here-ness' and my stability - and makes me feel, and be, effectively 'dead', as in unable to connect or relate to what is HERE as reality. Unable to see myself in what is HERE.

So maybe it's not such a bad thing to want to be 'dead'. The anger, yes, that's a problem, and is a consequence of having so much FEAR. And is showing me I need to start really taking responsibility for all my fears. Can't just be allowing myself to 'lose myself', but I must rather realize that there is a 'table' that's here for me to always come back to. There is an actual stability, a 'here-ness' within and as me. That darkness, that 'nothingness'/'emptiness', that's real. That's the real me. I am not ACTUALLY 'lost'. The lostness is an illusion fabricated by the mind through its many creative and ingenious ways to trigger FEAR. Through THINKING, which I do a lot of lol.

I've always been a 'thinker'. So yes, quite problematic lol. And it's always been so casually pointed out to me, that 'oh I'm a thinker'. Like it's something that's Ok. Like it's not hugely problematic in terms of how much power I give away to the mind through the act of thinking, to the point where I would eventually believe myself to be truly 'lost' within and through FEAR. Like, no, it's not Ok to be a 'thinker'. You should really STOP thinking. Stop giving all that power away to the mind. You just make yourself feel disempowered and angry and feel lost within it all. Better to just be HERE. In the darkness. In breath. There where I can be certain that I exist. Where I sit at the table of existence, in and as life, and in and as death. Where there is no fear and no anger, and no thoughts. Where there is no MIND.

The Pain of Living

This is a continuation of my previous post "Just Stop Trying Already"

I went to the doctor to have some moles checked out today. And sitting/lying there as he is giving me needles with anesthesia, I suddenly became ‘painfully’ aware of how ‘pain’ is such a gruesome, yet everyday part of our reality.  And how some people go through unspeakable pains and physical suffering, due to getting sick in some way. And how I probably at some point as well will have to face unimaginable physical suffering. I mean I can only ‘imagine’ what death must feel like when all your organs are shutting down and you feel the life leave your body.

That kind of pain is something that I have been fortunate enough to have sort of been sheltered from throughout my life so far. But it’s certainly PAIN which brings the awareness into the body and in a not-so-nice way forces you to see what is REAL. When you are in physical PAIN, suddenly all your fears and anxieties and all your thoughts and emotional states magically fall away. Suddenly all of that becomes entirely irrelevant. Because it is. None of that has anything to do with actual reality whatsoever.

You become aware that you are just a physical being and that all that matters is the physical body and whether it is taken care of. And PAIN shows that we don’t actually take care of the physical reality. PAIN is a consequence of the fact that we, as humanity, have always placed the physical body’s importance inferior to for example our mind. Our emotions and feelings and our fears and thoughts and whatever it is that occupies our mind. Whatever it is we BELIEVE to be of the utmost importance. Until PAIN comes along and shows us BEYOND a doubt that it is not.

We could be living forever. We could have found the antidote for pain. We could be existing without physical suffering of any form in this world. But our priorities always lay elsewhere. We rather used and abused the physical body, and this physical reality, for the sake of our MIND. For the sake of getting to experience whatever made us feel important and special in our MIND. And then we have pain, and illness and disease, and death – to remind us that at the end of the day, who we believe we are and what we believe to be real in our mind is not what matters. It never mattered. But now it is too late.

Now we have to face and deal with pain. Each and every single one of us. I will face it. And you will face it. It is our consequence, for having taken this physical existence for granted. We’ve only created more and more and more pain and suffering, instead of finding ways to make it less and ensure that life on earth is as little suffering as possible.

And we thought we could get away with it. With, oh maybe if we just direct all the suffering to some people, so that a select few can experience relative comfort with less suffering. Where some people in this world will suffer in unspeakable ways, and nobody cares, while others live in comfort and luxury and have enough money to have their physical body taken care of. But at the end of the day we face the same reality. One wherein every physical system has been greatly neglected and taken to it’s worst, most inferior possible form. So at the end of the day we all suffer, because we did not consider equality. And we did not consider what is best for all. Or what even fucking makes sense.

 www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

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When you're standing behind the scenes, you're still abusing

 This is a continuation of my previous post "The Road of the Least Resistance"


This is one of those sort of 'tricky' points to really see or be aware of. So when you see them, you have to grab them with both hands and write them down and open them up immediately lol. Cause they'll slip through the cracks of your awareness just as fast and disappear. I mean it's something I've been living yet have not been aware of it whatsoever. Or rather did not see it for what it was, and did not question it.

And it occurred to me as I was reading through one of the lessons in DIP Lite. In particular this paragraph:

In this, choice plays an intricate role that those discerning with common sense will realize. The actual choice is a directive principle within self-realised common sense – by which, and as which, you stand and thus, become – and not waver/alter even one inch/refraction – but stand as it, by it, as yourself, until it is done. This is not ‘choice’ from a polarity-reality where choice exists within this reality of mind, defined by ‘options’ as ‘free will’. This choice is an absolute standing as emergence of self; here as all as one as equal as Life.

I asked myself, am I living this 'choice'? Have I truly made this 'choice' for myself? I always ASSUMED I had, because I am 'walking with Desteni' and I am 'applying self-forgiveness'. Yet, if I'm being honest, there is 'something' there. Some part of me where I am not entirely 'standing'. Where I still hold back. So I asked myself, 'why? What am I holding back for?' Not having made the ABSOLUTE UNWAVERING choice, but still somewhere somehow allowing a 'backdoor'. An opportunity and possibility to still 'abuse'. To still have the illusion of 'free choice' or 'free will'. An attitude of being 'non-committal'.

And essentially a habit of 'getting things my way'. A habit of, if I end up not liking something, then I don't have to do it anymore. It's definitely in a way having a 'weak constitution'. Allowing that 'weakness' and almost a point of 'cowardliness'. Like saying to myself "it's Ok to be weak and not follow through on something when it gets tough". So I always hold that backdoor open to myself, 'just for in case things get tough and I feel like retreating'.


And so I also tend to not throw myself into the action so to speak. Going ‘full throttle’. I’ll more sit back, stay ‘behind the scenes’. Going, ‘well, I’m still participating’, but I’m staying in the ‘middle-ground’, kind of having one foot in one world and one foot in the other. Not wanting to commit because, well if I commit ‘and it doesn’t work out’, then what?

And it’s fascinating how I’ve lived my life like that. Never committing to anything because of this mantra of ‘what if it doesn’t work out, then I’ll be stuck?!’ I wanted to rather just hang out in the middle ground, keeping all my options open. So that I could choose what works out best for me when I want it. Believing that ‘all roads lead to Rome’. That if I don’t move and commit to walking one single road, I’ll have access to all roads and I will ‘have it all’. And this logic always seemed so intelligent. That, I’m just being smart about things. In a way it’s similar to trying to be a ‘Jack of all trades’. Trying to have my finger in every pot. So that, if one thing doesn’t work out, well then I still have all these other options. I don’t have to go under completely along with it.

But I never realized or considered that ‘commitment’ isn’t necessarily about ‘what I do’ as much as about ‘who I am’. Commitment is about DECIDING ‘who I am’, what I stand for, and clearly defining my SELF. It’s always been easy to be ‘non-committal’ about things in this world, like what job am I going to do, or what do I want to go and study or what hobbies do I want to pursue, cause it all seemed so ‘empty’ and ‘meaningless’ anyways. In a world where life is not honored in a systematic way, how can anything you do within that system have any worth?

And so my experience around the word ‘commitment’ had been defined within this experience of purposelessness. That, nothing means anything anyways so whatever you commit yourself to will be meaningless as well. And, I’ve hidden behind that belief. That at the end of the day, everything is meaningless anyways and it doesn’t matter what you commit to. And foregoing the fact that actually, there is a choice. And that, not making that deliberate CHOICE, still means you are choosing. If you don’t deliberately CHOOSE life, then you choose abuse. There is no ‘middle-ground’. It is all or nothing. It is simple. And to CHOOSE is to COMMIT. To be all in. No matter what. Come what may. To throw yourself into the action. To be on the forefront. To lead. And to be a ‘leading example’ of ‘what you stand for’ and ‘what you are committed to’.




www.desteni.org
www.destonians.com
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.eqafe.com

LIFE as Unconditional Forgiveness

This is a continuation of my previous blog "Choices, choices, choices."

A process I have been walking lately, and one that does on a level coincide with the Corona virus, is one of investigating and correcting my relationship with FEAR. I mean one thing that Bernard had told me back in 2008 was that "I just need to RELAX". And it's not until recently that I've started to realize just how much I 'just need to relax' lol.

In that, throughout my life I've just developed a pretty intense relationship with fear energy. Where in fact, everything, all the time, within how I experience myself and how I think and look at things, is always coming from fear. I trust fear, more than I trust myself or the body.

And fear actually creates the belief and experience and perception that I am 'weak' and 'disempowered' in relation to whatever it is I'm afraid of. In relation to EVERYTHING basically. Fear makes me feel like I am just small and insignificant. Incapable of directing anything. Just a 'victim' of reality and whatever 'happens' to me'. It makes me not trust myself and not be with myself. It makes me be afraid of relaxing even.

Because it also creates the illusion that I NEED fear. That fear will somehow protect me. Fear will keep me moving. Fear will motivate me. Fear will direct me. Fear will tell me what to do. Whereas if I relax, it's just me, in the body. And since my whole life I've only placed my trust in fear, I have no idea if I can trust 'me'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no other choice because I am disempowered and weak and I am just a slave and a victim to everything that is here in this world and reality -- so its like fear is the only thing that makes me feel like I can 'do' anything, even if it's just to overwhelm myself with this energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no ability to direct anything in this world and reality and that therefore all I can do is escape into the mind , wherein I can at least make myself FEEL like I have some power -- as in the power to generate energy and thoughts

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to just be honest with myself about the fact that I actually feel completely disempowered and powerless within myself -- rather than suppressing that or 'compensating' it by going into the ILLUSION of power as energy and thoughts as the ego of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to BELIEVE that I cannot stand equal with the body and with all the cells in the body and with the world system and with the physical reality and with things like viruses - and stand in a point where I have the ability to DIRECT these things --- and to rather accept the BELIEF that I am completely, totally and utterly powerless in relation to just about anything that exists in this world and reality -- even things that exist inside myself as my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to therein justify FEAR, as the belief that, since I am completely powerless in every way, maybe fear will somehow protect me

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that if anything, fear actually makes me feel even more disempowered and powerless, as fear separates me from myself  and from who i am HERE --- which is where the real disempowerment happens, when I 'lose' myself in fear and am not simply 'me' anymore, regardless of what 'happens'

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that going into fear is a form of giving up on myself, as a reaction to the belief that I am powerless to anything and everything in this world and reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that this belief of myself being powerless is actually also fear -- because the actual powerlessness is the separation that I accept and allow from myself - through things like belief systems and fear --- because, if I stand in oneness and equality with reality AS myself, and so not in separation in and as the mind, then there simply is nothing that can 'overpower' me

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that the only disempowerment that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself is to separate myself from reality AS me and to not stand one and equal with reality -- but to rather define myself in and as the mind in 'separation' of reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it's not so much fear that causes disempowerment, but actually me not standing one and equal with this reality as myself - but rather choosing to separate myself, because I actually don't want to stand one and equal as that would mean that I'd have to stand one and equal with all the suffering that I've accepted and allowed to exist in and as this world and reality and that I'd have to face all the things I have accepted and allowed to be done onto another that I would not want to be done onto me, all because I just did not care enough -- and that I'd therefore also have to face my 'unworthiness' as a being when it comes to 'life'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that fear is more just an unwillingness to stand one and equal with this world and reality as myself and an unwillingness to face what I have accepted and allowed in and as this world and reality as myself and face my unworthiness as a being -- and face the fact that literally ALL of me has always just been a complete rejection of life as me, a complete unwillingness to take responsibility and to allow things to be done onto another that I would not want to be done onto --- which is the definition of EVIL -- where I always saw what I was accepting and allowing, but I chose to hide behind excuses and justifications so that I could just continue accepting and allowing and would not actually FACE myself and take responsibility for what is HERE

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that fear is just an excuse and a way that I have always used to not face myself and my responsibility in relation to what is here -- to DELIBERATELY victimize myself and create the EXPERIENCE and PERCEPTION that I am 'powerless' and 'disempowered' so that I can tell myself that I am not and cannot be responsible for this world and reality, because apparently I exist in separation of it within and as fear

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that fear as the experience and belief of disempowerment and powerlessness is DELIBERATE - wherein I deliberately make myself feel and believe as though I am 'just a slave' and 'just a victim' of everything that 'happens', because in fact, I am actually shit-scared of facing myself AS this world and reality  - of standing face to face with what I have accepted and allowed in and as this world and reality, with my unworthiness as a being and with the EVIL that is me as the point of 'turning a blind eye' while reality has been suffering and not ever standing up and taking responsibility -- even though I WAS always responsible, I chose to hide and build a fortress around me as the mind consciousness system as just all the different lies and deceptions I could use to keep turning that blind eye and feel justified about it

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that everything in and of the mind is DELIBERATE -- has always been my own choice and creation, based on my unwillingness to face reality and face my responsibility in relation to reality, to face what I have been accepting and allowing by never having taken responsibility for reality as me -- where, instead of being honest with myself about the separation and abdication of responsibility I had been allowing, I actually chose and decided to just deceive myself even more and in fact lose myself as much as possible within the deception, so that I'd forget as much as possible about the 'real me' as life in oneness and equality --- effectively CHOOSING to self-destruct and NEVER face myself, over standing up, being self-honest, facing what I have allowed, and taking responsibility

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that now when I get overwhelmed by fear and when I lose myself in fear and panic, where I feel like I have no stability and where I just BECOME this energy of FEAR -- it's a consequence of having made this decision, that I am going to just lose myself into self-deception as the mind as much as I possibly can so I would never become aware, and having lived this decision throughout my life and existence

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand whenever fear comes up within me, that it's not because I am 'powerless' or a 'victim' but it is in fact the decision that I have made and am living that I just want to lose myself into the mind as the illusion of separation and that I never want to become aware of myself as life and never want to face what I have accepted and allowed in and as life as me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be real and honest with myself about the actual nature of fear - in terms of the deliberate nature of fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that really all that fear does is 'mask' self-honesty, as it creates the experience and illusion that I am completely separated from myself - that I am severed from physical reality, my own body and my entire 'self', where all that exists is just the energy of FEAR as though that's all that's left of me -- and therein it makes me unaware of my REAL SELF as life, of my connection with life, and the fact that I EXIST, that I am HERE, and therefore responsible for what is HERE

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that fear is of my own design, birthed and created from my desire to hide from facing my responsibility and facing LIFE as me - to abdicate my awareness of life as me completely, to the ultimate degree, to eradicate myself, and reduce myself to 'nothing' --- anything to just make sure that I NEVER become aware of life as me EVER

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to essentially decide that what I have accepted and allowed within and as life as me is just too bad, too horrible, too evil and too much for me to be able to face - that my shame and regret would destroy me and that I would never be able to forgive myself - that life would never be able to forgive me -- and that thus the only option I have is to 'self-destruct', to just disappear into oblivion by slowly but surely reducing myself to 'nothing' as I define myself in and as fear energy in the mind - slowly but surely 'forgetting' about my real self and accepting my DOOM and my FATE -- of being simply unworthy of life and of it being 'too late' to be able to face life, or ask for forgiveness or correct anything - where everything I do in fact becomes infused with this belief that on a real actual level, it is too late for me, I am too far gone, there is no forgiveness for me and there is no 'getting back' to life, and the acceptance of my eventual 'destruction' and 'demise' and 'doom'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the belief that what I've accepted and allowed within and as life as me is unforgivable, and that I am therefore 'doomed'  - and must forever live in shame and regret, walking a path of inevitable self-destruction, accepting my fate of being unworthy of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I basically have no other option than to just accept that I am already 'doomed' and so not even try to ever stand up or face life as me or ask for forgiveness or change as it's already 'too late' -- and so all that I can and should do is just continue existing in shame and regret, while creating more shame and regret as I continue to choose to not stand up

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand, that even shame and regret are excuses and justifications to not simply actually FACE life and reality as me - to not simply do what must be done, which is to stand up and take responsibility for life that is here --- rather than existing in this state of self-disempowerment just because I believe and think that life has rejected me and I am unworthy

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that at the end of the day it doesn't matter whether I am supposedly 'unworthy' or not, because at the end of the day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘worth’ in and as the mind – in and as thoughts, feelings and emotions – as the BELIEF that I am ‘unworthy’ and ‘don’t deserve forgiveness’, instead of rather defining and living the word WORTH on a real, physical level – in terms of appreciating and recognizing each particle, molecule and being in and as the physical reality – and recognizing that all that is here is of equal ‘value’ to ‘me’ and that I must treat every thing, every life form and manifestation one and equally with how I would like to be treated

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that when I live worth on a mind level in terms of thoughts, feelings and emotions, then it is not actually REAL – and that if I do not live WORTH on a physical level, then obviously I would be living unworthiness – and so therefore experience and live unworthiness within and as myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I have always felt and believed myself to be ‘unworthy’ – not because ‘life deems me unworthy’, but because I have never LIVED the word WORTH on a real physical level as I’ve always defined it purely in and as the mind, where nothing is ever actually REAL

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that in order to ‘be’ worthy I must live the word WORTH on a real, physical level – by recognizing and appreciating every particle and part of this world and reality in oneness and equality with myself, recognizing the value in every singular part of reality as one and equal with me and my ‘value’, and so interacting with my physical world and reality and every part of that reality, from the starting point of that recognition and appreciation of oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that for anything to ever be REAL, it has to be PHYSICALLY LIVED – and that therefore things like ‘fear’ and the belief that ‘I am unworthy’ and ‘I am doomed’ or ‘it’s too late’, are not real as they only exist in and as the realm of the mind – BUT that at the same time, as I am living and accepting these things as ‘real’ in and as the mind, I am simultaneously actually creating them on a physical level and so actually MAKING them real – creating without what exists within, instead of realizing and understanding that it has to actually be the other way around, that I must rather realize and see and understand that in fact what and how I live ‘without’, on a physical level, is the ‘real me’ and is where I decide and define ‘who I really am’ on the ‘inside’

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to live ‘from the outside in’ rather than ‘from the inside out’ – realizing that what is ‘real’ is not what’s ‘inside me’ as the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions – but what is real is actually what’s ‘outside of me’ as this physical world and reality and that therefore anything ‘inside of me’ can only be ‘real’ if and when I live it on a physical level in and as this physical world and reality – where I thus need to actually ‘create’ that ‘me’ through how I live on a physical level

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that in fact, because  I was accepting ‘damnation’ to be real on the ‘inside’, as a feeling and a thought that ‘I am doomed’ and that ‘it’s too late’ – I then also ended up actually simultaneously creating it on a physical level as I did not honor life and did not live in a way that recognizes the worth and value of the world and reality I existed in as I did not recognize my own worth and value, creating my own ‘damnation’ simply through neglecting physical reality as I was too busy focusing on how I FEEL inside

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that ‘damnation’ isn’t actually a feeling or experience or thought in and as myself – but is in fact something that I CREATE through for instance neglecting physical reality and not living the word WORTH on a physical level, but being more focused on the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions as ‘distraction’ from what is HERE – where actual ‘damnation’ is thus more a consequence of BELIEVING that ‘I am doomed’ and not recognizing and realizing that BELIEFS ARE NOT REALITY

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and create actual DAMNATION in and as the physical reality – by defining myself in and as the BELIEF that ‘I am doomed’ and to therein then just not care about anything, and neglect myself and my physical reality as I live the statement that ‘it’s too late anyways’, ‘doesn’t matter what I do anyways’, ‘might as well just give up already’ --- instead of realizing and seeing and understanding that the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions does not decide or define reality, but that I define reality through how I choose to live in and as reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to rather than just accept the thoughts, feelings and emotions that ‘I am doomed’ and of ‘damnation’, decide to live the word WORTH in and as physical reality and so actually CREATE worth as myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to look at and investigate the words that I have accepted and allowed myself to live, as in ‘believe’ and ‘accept’ on an internal level, and that I have thus as a consequence also accepted and allowed myself to live and create on an external level in and as physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a physical reality that stands one and equal with the unworthiness that I have accepted myself to live within and as me – instead of creating a reality of worth through living worth in and as me as a living word, through recognizing the value of every part of reality as equal with me and so living WORTH as a living statement of WHO I AM

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live WORTH as a living statement of who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the word ‘unworthy’ to even exist within me – by defining the word ‘worth’ in and as the mind as a polarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘worth’ in and as a polarity in the mind with ‘unworthy’ – in and as feeling and emotional energy – and so to define worthy in and as unworthy

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to simply live the word worth as a LIVING WORD, and not allow unworthy to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word worth by allowing it to be programmed within me and exist within and as a programming of a polarity of worthy and unworthy within me – as a form of judgment of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as like who gets to go to heaven and who goes to hell based on your apparent ‘worth’ --- instead of realizing and seeing and understanding that every being and life form is inherently equally ‘worthy’ and has equal value --- so there is no such thing as some being ‘worthy’ and others ‘unworthy’ of ‘heaven’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed such a thing to exist as the belief that some beings are worthy and others unworthy of heaven – and that some beings go to hell because they are just not ‘worthy’ of heaven

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the word WORTH and actually live the word worth in a way that is best for all in oneness and equality – as in the realization and understanding that each being is intrinsically and inherently equally valuable and ‘worthy’ of existing in a ‘heaven on earth’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worth as something you need to ‘prove’ and so within and as the belief that we essentially start off as ‘unworthy’ inherently and must prove that we are in fact ‘worthy’

And so I forgive myself that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to believe that thus we ‘deserve’ to live in a ‘hell on earth’ as a sort of ‘middle ground’ where we need to ‘prove’ that we are deserving of heaven after we die, by how we can show and prove our ‘living’ on earth, in terms of our ability to ‘follow rules’ and ‘obey the law’ and ‘obey religion’ and your parents and the system – and that after our time on earth as our ‘trial’, we are judged on whether we are ‘worthy’ of heaven or ‘unworthy’ and go to hell

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that in fact earth is what we need to take responsibility of and where we need to CREATE a heaven and yes, prove ourselves worthy of life – through taking responsibility of ourselves AS life and AS God – so proving ourselves worthy to ourselves through our actual living of the word WORTH – where thus we don’t live for or towards something ‘else’ outside of ourselves like ‘God’ or ‘heaven’ but where we actually take responsibility for ourselves as ‘life on earth’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘worth’ in and as ‘war’ – as we’re all at war with each other to prove ourselves ‘worthy’ for our ‘heaven’ after we die – proving to ‘God’ that we do everything ‘right’ in and for the system as money --- because, if money says we are ‘good’ then we must be ‘good’ – therein creating a physical reality as life on earth that is actually ‘unworthy’ as we neglect to see or recognize the actual value of LIFE as what is REAL, as in see the worth in and as ourselves as LIFE rather than just being ‘slaves’ to some invisible God and to money and religion

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that ‘war’ is in fact the reverse of real WORTH – and that thus within our search for ‘worth’ as money – we’ve created the reverse in and as life on earth as we’ve never seen or realized the worth in and as ourselves as physical beings in and as this physical reality --- as we defined ourselves as slaves to ‘heaven’, ‘hell’ and ‘money’

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to recognize and realize and understand that real WORTH is actually about me proving myself worthy of life in and as the physical reality by living the word WORTH as a living statement of WHO I AM as a being – and so about letting go of the illusion of ‘worth’ as a belief in ‘heaven’ and ‘hell’ as something that I will supposedly get after I die, and the belief that earth is just a ‘middle ground’ where I apparently must prove myself ‘worthy’ for what comes ‘after’ life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live towards something that comes after I die – and to define ‘worth’ within and as what comes after I die – instead of realizing worth as a LIVING WORD, which I live HERE, in and as me, in and as self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worth as just a concept that only exists within and as my mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions – instead of making worth real and realizing my responsibility and my ABILITY to actually LIVE WORTH and so live a HEAVEN ON EARTH which is what I am actually in fact looking for to begin with within and as the desire to be ‘worthy’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that my life and my time here on earth is where I actually have real power and a real ability to create real WORTH, and to create something WORTH-while in and as life on earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be preoccupied with something ‘after I die’ – instead of cherishing my life and time here on earth to CREATE  the heaven that I am actually looking for and wanting --- realizing and seeing and understanding that REALITY is HERE --- it’s whatever is HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider believing that there is anything ‘after I die’, or rather that whatever comes ‘after I die’ is in any way more important or relevant than what is actually   HERE

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that this is how I was programmed, to believe that what comes ‘after’ I die is more important than what is HERE – so that I wouldn’t recognize and realize my actual power and ability to CREATE and be a CREATOR in and as this physical world and existence

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live WORTH as a living word in terms of making the most of every moment, making the most of reality as what is here, in every moment -- cherishing and celebrating the gift of life that I have and that is here in every moment of breath -- making the most of my gift and ability and power to CREATE here as I exist in this physical world and reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that when I die it's going to be all over - I will have simply missed my chance and opportunity to physically CREATE as I won't be part of this physical reality anymore -- and that thus it's the reverse of what I have always believed and that rather than living for the future, towards what apparently will 'come after death', I need to live for what is HERE, in and as this MOMENT, as that is really all the opportunity i get to create and live, so I better make the absolute best of it

I forgive myself that I've never accepted and allowed myself to actually be IN the moment - to really embrace and cherish and appreciate and fully experience the moment -- in and as the appreciation that I get to be here, and get to have the opportunity to live and express and create

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to actually be ALIVE, as in living in and as this physical world and reality as LIFE within and as AWARENESS of myself as life as the physical -- by having defined myself in and as thoughts, feelings and emotions wherein I'm always living towards something that isn't HERE - like an idea of heaven or hell

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that i have never even realized or understood what it even means to be ALIVE, to truly LIVE -- as I have never been aware of the physical reality as me but have been defining myself in and as the mind in separation of the physical

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to even realize and see and understand that the physical reality is the only thing that's actually real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself so much in and as the mind as what isnt real that i even believed that the physical reality as what is HERE isn't real and that the mind as consciousness is the only thing that's real

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to STAND in and as the physical body, in and as the realization that the physical body and reality is ME as REALITY

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to ever even be aware of the physical body and reality as me - but to rather suppress the sensations and experiences that are actually real, that are PHYSICAL -- and to see and define physical sensations and experiences as more just 'annoying' and 'nuisances' that I have to 'deal with', as I see the physical body as just a 'vessel' for the mind where i believe that the physical must be suppressed as much as possible so that I can just exist in and as the mind and don't have to 'deal with' any physical experiences

I forgive myself that I've never accepted and allowed myself to even consider that it's all in reverse and that in fact it's the physical sensations and experiences that are real and that it's the mind's experiences that aren't real, and that thus it's the physical reality that must be honored and it's the mind that must be 'suppressed' as in 'ignored' and 'done away with'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the physical body and existence is just a 'vessel' for the mind -- and that thus the physical reality must not be considered and must be suppressed --- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that without the physical reality, the mind would not even be able to exist -- and the the physical body is in fact the 'birthplace' of life -- as this which the mind derives its 'life' from

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to recognize the physical reality -- and to see and realize and understand that I have always been so obsessed with a 'desire for recognition', mostly because I just never recognized the physical as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever even consider suppressing the physical body - instead of honoring it as the birthplace of everything, as LIFE itself as that which IS everything

and i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever even consider believing that I am the mind and defining myself in and as the mind as the suppression of the physical body -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that I am the physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget who I really am and to lose myself in and as the mind - actually becoming the reverse of who I really am, and so basically becoming as separated and far away from my real self as possible --- to the point where I just sort of accept that there is no way I can ever get 'back' to my real self as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that there is no way I can ever get back to my real self as the physical because I have just accepted and allowed so much harm and suppression of it to exist within and as myself by defining myself in and as the mind -- so how could the physical ever forgive me

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it isnt really the physical that hasnt forgiven me but more just me as I don't trust that I will truly change 'for good' - i rather assume that I will simply fall again and do the whole thing all over again, forgetting who I really am as I once did before -- and so therefore don't see why I should forgive and give myself a chance, when clearly it's been so easy to just 'forget' and to abuse and betray

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that, if anything, it is because I never forgave myself, that I have accepted and allowed things to get to this point and that I have just continued to forget and lose myself more and more and more -- because I never lived UNCONDITIONAL FORGIVENESS as the solution, as unconditional forgiveness is LIFE

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to even consider unconditional forgiveness -- and to only consider unconditional PUNISHMENT as a solution -- as the idea that one must be punished for one's 'transgressions' -- that I must be punished because I lost myself and forgot about who I really am --- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that punishment IS the lostness and forgetfulness, as who I really am as life IS unconditional forgiveness, and that thus I don't need to go and try to 'earn' my forgiveness or the 'forgiveness of life' -- I must simply LIVE forgiveness as who I really am as life

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to consider and realize that maybe more punishment and so more inner conflict and war and suppression and blame and anger isn’t actually the solution – and that perhaps the solution is actually to just unconditionally let go within and as unconditional forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed to believe in punishment as in holding on to the past and holding the past against me and defining myself according to the past and according to the ‘things I did wrong’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never even consider forgiveness as a solution for EVERYTHING that is ‘wrong’ with the world, and everything that is ‘wrong’ with me – to unconditionally forgive and let go

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it’s actually when I accepted and defined myself in and as PUNISHMENT as blame and anger and guilt, that I separated myself from life in and as the physical as me – because LIFE in and as the physical as me is unconditional forgiveness

So I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally forgive, rather than want to and react with blame, punishment, judgment, anger, guilt

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that PUNISHMENT is the separation of myself from life in and as the physical – as the trauma that is done onto the physical as self turns against self and others within and as REACTIONS

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I have to LIVE the solution to the ‘problem’ – the problem of reactions, anger, blame, war, conflict --- the solution being unconditional forgiveness, unconditionally letting go

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to live the SOLUTION rather than just living reactions to the ‘problem’ – and to see and understand that those reactions are actually the very problem

When and as I see that I am existing in a belief that I am unworthy of existing in this world and unworthy of life, because of how I have defined myself and existed in and as the mind – then I stop and I breathe, and I see and realize and understand that I have just come to define the word WORTH in and as the mind in a polarity with the word unworthy --- in and as the belief that ‘worth’ exists in and as the mind in and as thoughts, feelings and emotions connected with a belief in ‘heaven’ and ‘hell’ as what apparently happens after I die based on how I am ‘judged’ as either ‘worthy’ or ‘unworthy’ – and so have defined worth in and as self-interest as the belief in my ‘soul’ and the desire that I must go to heaven after I die

I see and realize and understand that real WORTH is not based in a polarity with unworthy, and does not exist in the mind, nor is connected with the soul construct or whatever may or may not happen ‘after death’ – but that real WORTH exists within and as the physical reality, within and as recognizing and considering each part and particle of the physical reality as equal in value with myself – and honoring the physical reality through living in a way that directs the physical reality to an outcome that is best for all as me, and creating a HEAVEN on earth

I see and realize and understand that real actual WORTH is not a feeling or experience or a thought, but is something that I CREATE on a physical level, within physical reality, through honoring each part of the physical reality in oneness and equality with myself and actually creating the ‘heaven’ that I have always been looking for in a physical way in and as physical reality

I see and realize and understand that worth is not something that is decided after I die, but is something that I have to LIVE and make a REALITY and CREATE in a physical way in and as life on earth, for it to be in any way real – where not ‘God’ or some invisible force, needs to give me ‘worth’, but I need to give myself worth by CREATING it and LIVING it in and as this physical world and existence

I see and realize and understand that, I have actually been living UNWORTHINESS by living within and as a desire for ‘worth’ and defining ‘worth’ as something that happens after I die, where it will apparently be decided whether I am ‘worthy’ or not of ‘going to heaven’ – as I’ve been too preoccupied with what supposedly happens after I die in and as the mind, to care for the physical reality that is HERE, and I have been neglecting this physical world and reality as what is actually REAL, and so creating a physical reality that is a manifestation of the ‘unworthiness’ that I have accepted and allowed within myself

I see and realize and understand that by being preoccupied in the mind by what happens after I die, I haven’t been noticing or realizing what is actually real as this physical world and reality – and I haven’t been actually caring for or even really noticing this physical world and reality, as I always believed the mind to be more real

I see and realize and understand that in fact the physical reality is the birthplace of life, and that in fact the mind cannot exist without the physical – and that it’s thus the physical reality that I must honor, rather than the mind

I see and realize and understand that who I really am is the physical reality as life as what is HERE – and that this is where real power exists – as the power to CREATE a heaven on earth through how I LIVE and EXIST in and as this physical reality

I see and realize and understand that I have never realized or birthed myself in and as the physical, because I have defined myself in and as the programming of PUNISHMENT – as the belief that I cannot be forgiven for having forgotten who I really am as life in and as the physical and for having gotten lost in and as the mind as the REVERSE of who I really am

I see and realize and understand that in fact it is this point of punishment that is the actual separation from life in and as the physical – and that it’s not that life cannot or will not forgive me, but that I’ve defined myself in and as punishment rather than unconditional forgiveness

As I see and realize and understand that life in and as the physical is unconditional forgiveness and that I have simply never stood as life because I never lived unconditional forgiveness – as I believed I must be PUNISHED and must hold the past against me and must react to myself and my ‘transgressions’ rather than unconditionally forgive and let go

I see and realize and understand that this ‘punishment programming’ IS the problem and that the solution as life is to unconditionally forgive and let go

I see and realize and understand that I have never realized or embraced or stood as life in and as the physical as who I really am, not because I am ‘unworthy’ of ‘forgiveness’ or because I need to be punished – but because I have never LIVED unconditional forgiveness, which is what life really is

I see and realize and understand that all I need to do to stand as life and realize myself as life in and as the physical is just let go of the punishment programming as the belief that I must be punished for the past – and UNCONDITIONALLY FORGIVE myself and therein stand as life in and as the physical

I commit myself to live the word WORTH as a living word by placing all my focus and attention onto the physical reality as what is REAL, rather than on the mind as what is not real – and so to honor the physical reality instead of the mind and live in a way that will create WORTH as a heaven on earth, wherein each being and each part and particle of life on earth is honored and supported and valued in oneness and equality – and so actually CREATING a HEAVEN ON EARTH rather than wasting my time and existence here on earth within and as the belief that somehow what comes after I die is more important than what is here as actual LIFE

I commit myself to live WORTH by essentially using and cherishing and appreciating the time that I have in this life here on earth to the fullest, to CREATE a heaven on earth, and so use the power that I have as a living being in and as this physical world and reality to actually create the heaven that I have always been looking for

I commit myself to live unconditional forgiveness as what life really is – and therein let go of the separation I have always perceived and created through defining myself in and as punishment

So I commit myself to let go of punishment as the separation from life as me – as I see that it’s not actually the things I am punishing myself for that causes the separation, but actually the fact that I participate in punishment as anger, reactions, blame and guilt that actually separates me from life as me, as punishment is the reverse of what life really is as unconditional forgiveness

So I commit myself to unconditionally forgive myself and to live unconditional forgiveness as life in and as the physical and therein stand and embrace myself in and as life

I commit myself to thus LIVE the solution as unconditional forgiveness – realizing that that’s the solution to all of life’s ‘problems’ – to all of the ‘human’s programming’ as reactions and anger and conflict – rather than reacting to the problems with the actual problem as punishment and therein just exacerbating the problem as reactions as punishment