To Dare to Jump into the Deep End

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Being my own worst enemy"

"This point being for instance 'fear'. Fears of failing, fears of 'what if this doesn't work out', fears of 'what will people think'... Fears related to 'success' and not being successful at something. So I'll rather opt for what is 'safe' and end up not actually moving or pushing myself in the direction that I actually should be. I'll rather actually more keep things the same, even though they should be, and I'd like them to be better. I can see this fear of failing, fear of doing and trying new things out of fear that the desired result will not be achieved, in person X. And I can see it in myself as well, as my 'stumbling block' that I've been having difficulty moving past. Almost a decision that 'I will not do or try anything where I cannot be certain that the end result will live or measure up to an idea of 'success' that I've already created in my mind. Cause I've decided that anything that doesn't measure up to that idea, is automatically a 'failure'."

So looking at this point a bit more of why there seems such a 'blockage' when it comes to self-movement, there's a memory that comes up of when I was little. I was at the pool with my family, and while I was afraid to step into the shallowest side of the kiddy pool as I was holding my mother's hand, my brother who was younger than me was over on the other side jumping into the deep end with not a worry in the world. While me, I had ALL the worries in the world. I was scared to just jump in. I was scared to even try. SO MUCH could go wrong. And I needed so much time, and a lot of coaxing to finally dip my toe into it.

It's kind of that same feeling that now stops me from just going for things for example, just doing something, just jumping into something that's unknown to an extent. Just taking that leap or just taking that step of moving myself into a particular direction that perhaps I'm not very used to. It almost feels like standing at the edge of a pool at the deep end and having to jump in, where everything inside of me is telling me that 'so much could go wrong!'. That I should not, and can not, just jump. It's insanity.

And I did perceive my brother as being slightly insane in fact lol. A little bit unhinged, and where I had too many worries, perhaps he had too few... Perhaps he should have had a bit more care and caution for himself. Although yes, where some things are just downright dangerous to 'just jump into it', other things aren't, and it's important to be able to let go of that veil of worries and see things for what they are. Most things that I'm wanting to try and do are not actually dangerous and do not require me to be so overly hesitant.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this personality design of being overly cautious and full of worries when it comes to doing and trying new or different things from what I'm used to

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself that there is caution in the mind as a veil of worries as self-sabotage and then there is real caution - where real caution is to assess reality based on common sense to see what's actually dangerous and what isn't, rather than assuming that everything must be dangerous within and as the worry personality in the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a personality based on this holding back/worry personality, of 'thinking' and 'pondering' -- locking myself internally into a dimension of thought where I then sit and just think, basically preoccupying myself from going ahead and just doing the thing, almost trying to convince myself that I can predict or simulate or create the same thing in my mind and that I therefore don't have to move myself in physical reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I am never able to really get to know something and myself within it and create something without doing it in physical reality  - and that the 'thinking' in the mind is really no comparison or representation of actual reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to just 'jump into' things within physical reality in terms of doing something and trying something out and moving into a certain direction by thinking that 'there are so many things that could go wrong!'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this thought of 'there are so many things that could go wrong!', connected with an experience of worry, when standing at the advent of something new or different

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must protect myself from 'all the things that could go wrong!' and therefore must not go for things or jump into things and just take the step forward into a direction, but must stagnate and remain in place locked into a mind personality of thinking - as self-preoccupation, to at least create some kind of illusion of movement, even if it's not real and is only internally within thoughts and feelings and emotions as 'energy movements'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is wrong to just take a step or do something without first thinking about it profusely - because if I'm not thinking first, then I am not applying caution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define caution as 'thinking profusely about doing anything before going ahead and taking a step forward or moving into a certain direction'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to rather live caution as having a 'cushion' for myself to land on when I do step into things - where it's not about holding myself back and sabotaging my physical movement - but more about providing a gentle guidance for myself as I walk through whatever I'm deciding to do and venture into

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define caution in and as emotional experiences of worry and doubt and insecurity and fear, where the result is me suppressing and holding back my physical expression and movement in this world and reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me holding back on moving myself in physical reality is me protecting myself from 'what could go wrong' - instead of realizing and seeing that it's actually me sabotaging myself from living and learning and getting to know myself and reality and life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back and sabotage myself from learning and getting to know reality and myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the mind instead of trusting physical reality and my simple assessment of physical reality in terms of seeing what is actually 'dangerous' and what is not -- which does not require 'thinking'

when and as I see myself going into the mind as the worry personality in relation to doing things in physical reality - then i stop and i breathe -- and I see and realize and understand that I am just busy holding myself back and sabotaging myself from getting to know and learning about reality and myself 

I see and realize and understand that to get to know reality is to do new things and try different things and allowing myself to step into specific directions that I'm not familiar with - and to get out of the mind

I see and realize and understand that I do not need thoughts and 'thinking' to be able to see reality - and that thinking is more just preoccupation based on emotions like doubts and insecurities and fears and is not actually a representation of actual reality

I see and realize and understand that applying caution is not to think about things within worry and fear, but to just look at physical reality simplistically and assess whats actually realistically dangerous and what isn't 

I commit myself to trust the physical body rather than the mind when applying and practicing 'caution' when it comes to doing things and 'jumping into' things and moving into certain directions  - and so to live real caution rather than caution based on the mind as thinking and emotional experiences

and so I commit myself to through doing so, get to know reality and myself - by actually doing things in physical reality

Get Out of your Head!

this is a continuation of my previous post "The Imprisoned Self-Awareness"

The act of 'thinking'  can give a sense of security. Like oh you're thinking, you must be considering many things and taking much into account, thus apparently creating a 'security' for yourself. The security of 'I've though of everything!' Without thoughts, it's like you're naked. It's just you in the moment and nothing else.

And because thoughts is like this voice in your head, or like something systemic, like a machine, it certainly feels and seems as though it's in some way 'trustworthy'. Like it will 'pull you through' and 'guide the way'. Like a map that knows how to navigate the roads of the world.

But, what are thoughts really? Ideally I suppose, sure, they should be like a map. Something you can 'consult' or use to put things in a certain structure, like creating a map where you bring a bunch of information together and hold it there within a containment so you can look at it all.

But I'm starting to realize that how thoughts exist currently, or rather how I've accepted them to exist within me, is definitely NOT in a way that's supportive or 'guiding' or even useful. If anything, the way that my thoughts exist is more like a reflection of the directionlessness and lostness and 'chaos' of the 'inner me'. Where, sure, I'm thinking about things, and that machine of thoughts is always turning, but it's not in any way 'organized' and it certainly does not give me oversight, like a map would, of anything.

It's actually more like, because my starting point as the 'inner me' is not stable and is more like 'all over the place', my thoughts will also be 'unstable' and 'all over the place'. And so will at the end of the day only contribute to the problem and make it worse, rather than actually give me stability and structure.

So I suppose my mistake was always to place my thoughts first, before myself, and say "lead the way!". Rather than realizing that thoughts are just a tool and that it's me who needs to 'lead the way'. I need to live stability and structure and direction as myself first, and then I may be able to use thoughts to look at points. But I can never think that thoughts have any power or ability in and of themselves. If anything, thoughts will more just mold and shape themselves around and according to the direction that I give myself internally and will thus simply be a reflection of who I am inside.

My Mind, My Savior

This is a continuation of my previous post "That which we're all Looking for"

Throughout my life I have always had a very strong relationship with 'thinking'. Like, 'going into my thoughts' was a thing that I would do. Where I wouldn't just for instance use thinking as like a purely practical way of navigating my reality, where your 'thinking' is more 'integrated' in your moment-to-moment sort of 'living'.

But my 'thinking' was more like I would cut myself off from the world around me and just sort of go and 'sit' in my head. Because I felt 'safe' there. In relation to my environment, I felt nothing but fear and anxiety and constant discomfort. And my own thoughts seemed the only place where I could not be 'harmed'. A place that I could escape to and that would keep me 'safe', essentially by suppressing my 'awareness' of the fear and anxiety I was actually experiencing. The act of 'thinking' in itself seemed to sort of give me a way to 'avoid' directly experiencing that fear.

But then, as a result of existing in a state of 'unawareness' due to 'thinking', I'd then actually experience even more fear and anxiety of a world and reality that I did not understand or 'relate to'. So my mind kept calling me. Saying to me, "I'll keep you safe! The world out there is nothing but fear, but you're safe in here!" And I never really questioned that, until now.

I always figured, it's where I feel 'safe' so therefore it must be my 'safe haven'. And so I found that I'd have the hardest time being 'in the body' cause it always felt like I was losing some kind of 'safety'. I never realized that the mind presenting itself as my 'safe haven' is basically like some kind of evil entity scaring the shit out of you, but then turning around and saying "I know it's scary! Come here, I'll keep you safe!" It's kind of like running into the arms of your abuser because they told you they would protect you from abuse.

It's cause the mind is good at hiding itself. Like, you'll only see those things that it wants you to see from moment to moment, because it's conditioned you to not see the 'bigger picture'. You kind of only see 'what's right in front of you'. Where, the mind will show you what it is that you're 'looking for'. A 'safe haven'. A 'comfort zone'. An 'escape'. It obviously won't show you that the only reason you're looking for that is because it is TERRORIZING and ABUSING you.

I mean, by saying that, I don't 'blame' the mind. It's just a program. This was more just an important point for me to 'realize' so that I could finally understand that I cannot trust the mind. And that I certainly cannot trust that sort of 'desire' to want to go and 'sit' in thoughts. And that really the only thing I CAN trust, the only thing that is in fact a real 'safe haven', and that does have my best interests at heart, is the physical body.