Things are not Alright

So the point that's been becoming abundantly clear is that, I am so extremely self-dishonest that I truly do not 'deserve' to be a part of existence. That if I don't in every moment 'force' myself into self-honesty, I WILL find ways to 'fuck around', and avoid the point of self-honesty at all cost.

Like, my 'default' mode is 'rampant self-dishonesty'. And so it takes RADICAL discipline and effort to change that. There's just no other way. It's really like 'give me a hand and I'll take an arm' sort of situation here. Like, give me ANY leeway, ANY small little opening or opportunity to sabotage, and hide, and avoid and twist and deceive, and I will. I simply 'cannot be trusted' lol.

And so there's just a constant tendency to sort of go into 'love and light'. To give sort of a 'positive spin' on things and hang out more in the 'positive' and 'lightheartedness'. Where, 'oh, things are not so bad', and 'oh, I am actually quite an innocent being', and 'oh it's all just the mind. It's not really my fault'. It's kind of like looking for a 'pat on the back'.

Like, Ok I went through all that bad stuff and I felt bad about myself. Let's not do that again. So the 'programming' there is like having that constant 'see-sawing' and 'back-and-forth' of 'oh I'm bad', 'oh no I'm good', 'oh no I'm bad', 'oh no I'm actually good'. Rather than just staying in the 'bad' so to speak. Cause the 'bad' is sort of just pointing out your 'mistakes' or your 'flaws' basically. The stuff you KNOW you 'did wrong'. The things about you that you know you need to change and just aren't 'alright'.

But it's just this constant 'movement' or 'tendency' towards the sort of 'comforting' and 'approval' and 'reassurance'. For someone or something to just tell you that "oh it's all alright actually. Don't worry about it". When, actually, you know what. Yeah, you should be 'worrying' about it. As in you should be actively trying to change it. And so, in a sense, you should feel 'uncomfortable' about it, as a 'reminder' that 'things are not alright' and that there is an 'urgency' to change yourself.

But the 'programming' is basically to believe that the 'good', the 'positive', the 'lightheartedness', is the 'normal'. The 'default'. That's how I 'should experience myself', at the end of the day. And that the 'bad', is always only for a moment. That's why it's often so 'unfathomable' when things happen that sort of completely take away all chance of going back to that 'positive normal'. Like a relationship break-up, or losing your job, getting some terminal illness, losing something/someone valuable in your life, things like that. When really, those kind of events are only showing you that your 'positive normal' is a LIE. And that the ACTUAL 'default' is the 'negative'.