I am the Best

This is a continuation of my previous post "Are you Highly Sensitive?"

Something that I have found like a 'life-saver', as in something that's really made a difference in terms of getting out of my mind, is the realization that there is actually something to 'learn' from other people lol.

Cause honestly, deep down I always thought that I am truly 'all that'. That I'm 'the bees knees'. Cream of the crop. Ain't nobody better. And that I thus don't really need to get to know other people, cause, well if I'm the best then what do other people have to show me that I don't already know?

In a way I couldn't fathom that I am not 'the best', in terms of 'the most' self-honest, self-responsible, principled, disciplined, etcetera. I mean yes I know, the arrogance lol, but that is exactly what I thought of myself. But all it really was, was just a fear of 'failing', of being 'behind' and actually being 'the slow one'. I mean, clearly this logic is quite flawed as obviously in order to get anywhere, you need to 'learn'. You need to make yourself small and humble. Like, the opposite of what I was making myself. AND you need to actually engage with your reality, with other people, and get to know them, to find out what there is to learn in fact.

And even though it was a little 'painful' at first lol, when I finally did clue in on reality, it was quite a RELIEF. It's like I finally came down from that hot-air balloon I'd lifted myself up into, and found myself actually just 'here', together with everyone else that's just 'here'. I found that I am not 'alone'. And that 'we're all in this together'. That basically, none are free until all are free. And in that, there is no 'best' or 'better', but we do all have a responsibility to be a 'front-runner' in the ways we see we can be. Because, if we don't do it, then who will?

Are you Highly Sensitive?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Get on Top of your Shit"

Something I am really starting to appreciate, and recognize the 'power' of, is the statement 'get real'. Just the point of, 'stop bullshitting yourself already!' That 'frankness'. Being 'frank' and 'speaking in plain terms'. No creating 'euphemisms', no beating around the bush, no fear of 'hurting my feelings'. Just being direct and saying it as it is.

Cause I'm starting to realize that I can actually handle A LOT more than I always believed. I'm not actually as 'sensitive' as I always thought. In fact, I'm actually pretty thick skinned. And I used to identify as a 'highly sensitive person'. Only now I'm realizing how much I was bullshitting myself with that lol. And that, really, I thoroughly ENJOY telling myself to 'get real!' Because, there's just a 'realness' to it. Like, it just makes me feel more 'real', more substantial.

Cause, that 'sensitivity' was actually in a way me saying that "I can't handle reality". That "I can't handle facing what's really going on in this world, in myself". And I actually remember that I had a real aversion to anything that was basically just 'bullshit'. Like, telling yourself that you're 'highly sensitive'. Or being overly 'positive'. I mean it was obvious bullshit and I could tell when people were just bullshitting themselves with it.

But then at some point I just started doing the same thing! But there was always that 'aversion' inside myself. And the more I 'bullshat' myself, as I grew older, the more I just actually couldn't stand myself. Cause, deep down, I still actually knew what I was doing. I remember the moment when I told myself I must be 'highly sensitive', as like a 'diagnosis', and the absolute loathing I felt with myself lol. Like I was turning myself over in my grave. Like thinking, "wow Kim, you're really taking the cake with this one".

Cause really, deep down I ALWAYS know what I'm doing. And I can tell when something is just bullshit that I'm telling myself. When I'm just participating in energy and personality programs, and not just simply being 'me'. And at this point obviously, at over 30 years old, the bullshit is EXTENSIVE lol. But that's why this point of 'getting real' has been such a breath of fresh air, and has been highly effective of just breaking all the bullshit down and getting back to 'me'.

Like, in the face of those things I've always believed myself to be 'too sensitive' for. In the face of fear, to just be like "come on, get real. You know this is not who you are". "You know you are not helpless. You know you can handle this, whatever it is. All this fear is just you bullshitting yourself about who you are. Pretending that you are 'less' than you really are. that you are this helpless victim when in fact, you are life itself. Get a grip!"

Get on Top of your Shit

This is a continuation of my previous post "Excitement vs Enjoyment"

I am very much used to 'directing' myself and my life based on 'what I feel like'. I will usually just do things from moment to moment, based on what I in that moment 'feel like' doing. So very used to 'trusting' emotions and feelings when it comes to how I live and how I see myself and reality.

Needless to say, this has always made 'taking responsibility' quite a struggle for me. Because, I'd obviously never, or VERY RARELY, actually 'feel like' doing the dishes, or cleaning up around the house, doing my homework, or basically doing anything that's required to be done in physical reality to make sure that 'things are taken care of' and to actually create and direct my life and my reality in the context of what I ultimately want. Which is to for instance, have a successful career, own and live in a nice house, have a successful relationship and family, and in the greater picture, build a world that is best for all.

Essentially, I was trading in that 'bigger picture', as what I actually REALLY want, for what was pretty much the 'illusion of want'. These momentary 'experiences' as feelings and emotions. Cause, I'd just NEVER 'feel like' doing basically anything that might in any way really contribute to creating that 'bigger picture'. Like literally, what I 'felt like doing' was most of the time just 'wasting time'. Things to 'distract' and 'entertain' myself for a moment. In a way I was very 'short-sighted'. Kind of only seeing what was right in front of me as 'immediate' and 'instant' gratification, rather than 'keeping my eye on the prize'.

Cause to actually CREATE that 'bigger picture' and truly MANIFEST what you ultimately want, you need to essentially ignore any 'feeling' experiences that come up in the moments. You need to be less 'energy-based', and more 'structural'. You need to give yourself 'instructions' and move yourself based on those instructions.

And it's quite the paradigm shift actually. Because I was following whatever my feelings were telling me I should do, based on a 'trust' that 'somehow' my feelings know something I don't. A trust that feelings are like some 'cosmic connection'. Like a link to the universe that's guiding me to my ultimate goal. And I sort of believed that as long as I just follow my feelings, I'll eventually get to wherever I want to be at. But I'm starting to figure out that it doesn't actually work that way lol.

And that, if anything, feelings are more like just 'coping mechanisms'. It's like I am still a little kid who just kind of feels confused and overwhelmed by reality, and my feelings are just how I 'pacify' myself. Things I do to make myself feel just a little better. There is no 'cosmic connection' or 'greater meaning' to feelings.

'I' need to be that cosmic connection and 'greater meaning'. 'I' need to be that which guides and instructs 'me'. Giving myself the 'structure' that I need and according to which I can move myself, so I can eventually create and manifest what I want to. I must abdicate all feelings so I can have an 'oversight' of what actually needs to be done. So I can be 'on top of my shit'.

Excitement vs Enjoyment

This is a continuation of my previous post "So you want to be Special"

So I do get excited sometimes. And it's like a genuine excitement, about something 'real'.  Like getting excited about about people. Yes lol, I get excited about people. More specifically, I get excited about supporting people. And not just people. I get excited about knowing that I have a certain 'purpose' in existence. Or rather, that I am 'serving' a purpose. That I am actually building and supporting real 'connections', real communication and am assisting and supporting 'existence' to come through and 'flourish' within myself and others.

I mean, that's REAL excitement. Because it's not just about ME. It's not about my ego and it's not just a personal thing. It's about 'existence'. And I don't even care that it's not about 'me'. That's kind of how I know it's 'real' lol. But something I've also noticed is that there are already 'preprogrammed pathways' for that excitement to be channeled into. And, those pathways then fuel things that are actually the OPPOSITE of what the excitement was originally about.

For instance, my excitement about being a point of support and about connecting with others, will get channeled into thoughts about myself and my 'self-importance'. And so what started as a genuine expression of care and support, turns into ego as a desire to be special. And a genuine enjoyment within connecting with others, becomes a separation, disconnection and isolation. It's just the preprogrammed 'system' of thoughts that the excitement energy gets channeled into.

So does that then mean that you can't get excited about things, even if it's 'genuine'? Sort of, yes. Or rather its more about still remaining stable within the excitement, and so not allowing the excitement to sort of 'get away from you'. You still have to be 'here', stable, with both feet on the ground. So it has to be a 'grounded excitement'. The way that excitement energy is programmed however, IS to take you away from yourself. Where the energy sort of becomes 'more' than you and you 'lose' yourself in the experience. So I guess instead of it being an 'excitement', it needs to be just an 'enjoyment'. Like, just a recognition that "I enjoy this", rather than it being like an "Oh my Goooooood!! Eeeeeeeeeeek!!!" lol

So you want to be Special

This is a continuation of my previous post "Love is Not the Answer"

I've always been more or less obsessed with being in a position wherein you're admired, and you get lots of attention and appraisal. And people look up at you and they listen to you and respect you. And you basically get to 'feel' very 'special' and 'important'.

At least, that was always my interpretation of it lol. "Oh that person's getting lots of admiration and attention, they 'get to' feel special and important." And I guess that way of looking at it was sort of cultivated in school, when yeah, there were those 'popular kids' who just seemed to draw all the attention just cause I guess 'there was just something about them'. That 'je ne sais quoi'. So yeah, they 'got to' feel all special and important while the rest of us could just watch in jealousy.

But in the 'real world' it doesn't actually work that way. If you want respect, admiration and attention, you have to 'earn it'. Because, in the 'real world', nobody gives a shit about who you are. You're not 'special' just cause you exist lol. In fact, being 'special' and 'important' is not about 'who you are' at all. It's about the things you DO. It's about the things you can 'prove'. The example that you can live. The work, the effort and the care that you put into things. That, people will notice, and respect. But, it's still not about 'you'. Make no mistake about that. You merely 'provide' people what they were looking for. An 'example' to live by.

So, if you want that kind of attention, that means you will have to work twice as hard as everyone else. You have to put in double the effort as anyone else, and care ten times as much. And forget about it being like being a king or queen sitting on a throne. It's all in reverse you see. How are you going to 'rule a kingdom' sitting on that throne? You have to be the one to 'stand under' everyone. So that you can 'carry' and really get to know what actually exists in your kingdom. And that's not 'glamorous' at all. But yes, people will 'respect' you, because they recognize that you're someone who actually cares. And because that's what we all really need.

Love is Not the Answer

This is a continuation of my previous post "Why DIP is the Bees Knees"

I got so 'hung up' on 'love', because it seemed to me to be the only thing that made 'sense' in this world. To love someone so truly and deeply and genuinely heartfelt, that I would almost literally 'place them in my heart'.

Basically it was this point of seeing how absolutely horrible this reality is. Seeing all the awful and terrible things that we human beings do to each other. All the immense suffering that exists in this world and that humans go through. And so deciding that 'love must be the answer'. After all, it seemed to be the one 'positive' thing that I could see. The one thing I felt could 'make it all alright'. To simply love someone 'with all my heart', and to carry that 'love' in my heart.

Cause I figured there has to be 'something' to sort of make up for the absolute shit-hole I was born into. And so I found this 'feeling' of 'love'. A 'feeling' that seemed to at least 'feel' like a 'glue' that 'connects' people together. And with all the 'disconnection' and separation that I was witnessing within reality, this was the only thing that did 'make sense' to me. At least 'something' that creates 'connection' and 'togetherness'.

But I am realizing now that 'love' is, in fact, NOT the answer. That I've been duped. Or rather, have duped myself. Or that at the VERY least, 'love' needs some serious reassessment. That it should, first of all, mean that I cannot just ignore the reality that is ACTUALLY here. It can't be a point of 'compensation' or 'making up for' or worse, a 'coping mechanism'.

The REALITY is that there is no 'connection' in this world. There is no 'togetherness'. At least not among human beings. In nature, perhaps. Nature 'more or less' has a sort of 'balance' or 'harmony'. A 'unity', that is definitely not a 'lovey dovey' kind of connection, but there is an inherent sense of 'working together' in nature. A sort of understanding of 'we're all in this together' and 'we're all part of the same thing'. That's why nature is 'nature' lol And we are just 'the human being'. That which does not 'fit in' or 'work together' or 'exist alongside with' or 'is equal to' pretty much ANYTHING ELSE.

And, there is no 'love' in nature. Just the point of 'Hey, we're all just here. Together.' And they don't try to 'escape' reality, within positive feelings like 'love'. They ARE reality. So they are just themselves. Just sort of 'here', pretty much 'waiting' until us human beings get 'here'. Until we let go of our illusions like 'love' and just 'get real', and come to grasps with the fact that, yes, reality is SHIT. That's what's here. Don't try to make something 'positive' out of it. Don't try to look for it, it's not there. Just be real and we'll take it from there.

Why DIP is the Bees Knees

This is a continuation of my previous post "To Transcend the Mind you have to Walk Through it"

I mean it only makes sense that you'd have to face anything that you have 'created'. Even though it's 'not real'. Like all your fears basically. If it exists inside you as a 'fear', then you've 'created' it, and so you must 'suffer' your own creation. Until you actually truly 'let it go'.

And letting go of a fear means you stand 'equal' to it. That you're able to stand 'in it', but not be defined by it. So that means you do have to first stand in it. Placing yourself in the point that you're afraid of. Cause if you don't, your reality will. Cause that's the purpose of the physical reality. To show us 'who we are'. In terms of, showing us what exists inside of us.

So basically, whatever exists inside us that we don't get ourselves to stand equal to, our physical reality will 'support' us to stand equal to, by actually physically placing ourselves there. So that we'll have no way out, and no other way BUT taking responsibility for it.

So yeah, if you have to face it on a physical level it's kind of 'unfortunate'. But you know, at the same time 'it is what it is'. Best thing obviously is to change it before that happens. Prevention as the best cure. And the way to do that is pretty much walking DIP. Where you actually investigate, open up and deconstruct all your 'subconscious' and 'unconscious' stuff. So you can be 'ahead of the game'. And not just basically 'waiting' until points 'come up'. Cause, there are so many things that are CONSTANTLY 'playing out' that you are not aware of. So much 'preprogramming' that you are living that's going to only come to your awareness through either putting in specific effort to become aware of it, or through 'consequences'. Which are physical 'play-outs' that force you to SEE what you've come to accept and allow.

So, get on that shit!
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