Fear of Failure and self-forgiveness - Day 1

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project ‘failure’ onto the future in my mind – and to react to any possible decision that I’m considering with a fear of it ‘failing’ in the future --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this belief in apparent ‘failure’ is something I have inherited from my father as he used to emotionally abuse me by making me feel like I ‘failed’ at things as in that I was not capable of succeeding or being successful and that I was apparently just an ‘idiot’ who made all the wrong decisions and was doing ‘stupid’ things in their life without any capability at being successful at anything

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that that definition of ‘failure’ doesn’t actually exist except for in the mind as a thought and emotional experience, as it is in fact a personality programming of beating up on myself, expecting the worst and having a negative opinion of myself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word failure in and as that negatively charged emotional experience of disappointment – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is a consequence of having grown up in an environment where there were a lot of ‘expectations’ placed and defined as a ‘positive’ point, where ‘disappointment’ as a reaction to apparent ‘failure’ to live up to the expectations was then used as the negative within and as a polarity – in order to keep the child ‘in line’ as in living according to the expectations as ‘wants’ of the parent, as what was defined as a ‘failure’ was all preprogrammed and decided by the expectations and wants of the parents and thus not what the word ‘failure’ actually is

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘failure’ in and as that preprogrammed mind consciousness system where ‘failure’ is defined by the parents expectations and used as a manipulation tactic to keep the child in line with the parents’ wants --- instead of being the self-directive principle of and as the word ‘failure’ and live the word failure as a principle as a living word rather than a word defined in and as energy as the mind consciousness system

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect an emotional experience to the word ‘failure’, where I suddenly feel ‘bad’ about myself and feel disappointed and I feel down on myself and beat up on myself for being an apparent ‘failure’ as in believing that I couldn’t do what I was apparently ‘supposed to’ do as in the expectations that were there for me and now that I did not live up to those expectations, I am apparently ‘inferior’ and worth less than others who apparently DID achieve and live up to the ‘expectations’ –

 

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word failure with an emotional experience of inferiority and a belief that I am ‘less than’ others who were apparently ‘successful’ or who apparently ‘havent failed’ – where I have defined the word failure within and as comparison with others and a belief that there are expectations in separation of myself to be lived up to and if I cannot live up to those apparent expectations then I am a ‘failure’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word failure in and as the belief that there are expectations in separation of myself to be lived up to – instead of seeing realizing and understanding that failure as a living word is when I give up on myself, by for instance trying to live up to other people’s expectations, so the word failure is a reminder to myself to trust myself and honor myself and make sure that I believe in myself and place myself first rather than compare myself to others

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to fail is to give up on myself and to stop trusting and supporting and believing in myself, to stop pushing and moving and motivating myself – and has nothing to do with expectations from other people or expectations in general

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail by not believing in myself and giving up on myself in and as a ‘fear of failure’ as a preprogrammed mind consciousness system

 

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to live the word failure as a living word as a reminder to stand by myself and support myself and not give up on myself

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to ‘fail’ as a living word and principle is in fact the opposite of how ‘failure’ is defined in and as the mind, where the mind defines failure as not being able to live up to expectations in separation with self, while ‘failure’ as a living word would be for instance to try to live up to expectations rather than honoring oneself and living by ones own principles, and to give up oneself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop believing in myself because I believed that I ‘failed’ because I could not live up to certain expectations that I was measuring myself up to – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the real ‘failure’ was that I stopped believing in myself and stopped supporting myself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself by believing that I have already failed as I’ve defined the word failure in and as an energy polarity and an experience of fear

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider allowing this fear of failure to influence me into giving up on myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘failure’ is to give up on myself and that I can only fail if I give up

 

When and as I see myself going into fear of failing as a fear where I project emotional experiences of inferiority, regret, shame and disappointment into the future – then I stop and I breathe, and I see, realize and understand that ‘failure’ is not a negatively charged emotional energy connected with a belief that I ‘havent lived up to expectations’, but failure is in fact the abandonment of myself here and the giving up on myself

 

So I see, realize and understand that it is in fact this point of existing in fear of failure as a future projection that is me living ‘failure’ as I am not trusting, supporting, motivating or believing in myself or doing what’s best for myself HERE but rather trusting these future projections as imaginations in the mind

 

I commit myself to live the word ‘failure’ as a reminder to keep trusting and supporting and believing in myself and a reminder that to fail is to give up on myself

 

I see, realize and understand that failure has nothing to do with ‘expectations’ but has everything to do with my relationship with myself and whether I am honoring myself and what is best for me in my life

 

I commit myself to honor myself and what is best for myself  - to trust myself, support myself and not give up on myself and what is best for me as life in and as the physical in oneness and equality

 

I see, realize and understand that I can only fail if I give up on myself and that the moment I give up on myself, I have failed and that therefore the fear of failing is not an excuse to give up on myself as ‘failure’ is never real unless I give up on myself

 

I commit myself to live success as a living word and principle of not giving up on myself and not allowing myself to ‘fail’

 

I see, realize and understand that success is not about living up to expectations in separation of myself but is about honoring myself and being true to myself and supporting myself unconditionally within anything and everything I do in my life and never giving up on myself and on supporting myself

 

I commit myself to live the word ‘success’ as the principle of not giving up on myself as life in and as the physical in and as oneness and equality – not allowing myself to fail, which is to give up on myself – and to commit myself to support, motivate and move myself unconditionally, not allowing anything to influence me to ‘give up’

The Words of Bernard Poolman - by Kim amourette

  This blog post is kind of in response to, or to add to, some discussion that’s opened up recently involving essentially ‘the words of Bernard Poolman’ and how there is such a trap of how his words can be used as a sort of gospel, where they are basically not questioned or verified according to one’s own living and experience but more used in the context of, ‘well he said that so it must be how it is’.

And I feel called upon to share my perspective because this is a trap I myself have fallen into to be sure. And in a way, from my perspective, given the way us humans are programmed on a mind-level, it’s very unlikely for any person to not fall into this trap, unless you’ve already prepared yourself throughout your lifetime to have a very strong sense of who you are when it comes to information, authority, the world system and your environment in general. I personally have not had that background. I’ve been extremely susceptible to influence, suggestion, instruction and just overall brainwashing lol, and it’s taken me years of walking my process to even arrive at this realization.

I’d even say that much of my process has been about taking the things Bernard has said to me or statements he’s made in general, which I’ve been using as guidelines on ‘how to properly walk my process’, and finding out who I actually am within it.  Learning how to be my own person and see things through my own eyes. Learning how to not religiously follow beliefs/statements/ideas, but becoming my own tool or means of assessment and discernment of what’s actually real.

There’s been a few things that stood out for me in terms of what he’s told me which, looking back on it now, actually just ended up creating more confusion and conflict in me than anything. A prime example is when on one occasion he said to me, “you just need to accept yourself”, but then in another instance told me that “you’ll be rejected by life if you dishonor yourself” lol. I just think that’s particularly funny, reading that again, because that one did such a number on my brain that I often think that probably if he had just not said anything to me I would have had a better shot of figuring this stuff out on my own sooner. Or rather, what he said in a way only pushed me, through the conflict it created in me, to realize that what he said doesn’t actually matter. Whether that was intentional from his side or not, I’ll never be able to verify, and in a way I’m thankful for the conflict because yes it did and still does continue to just push me to that point of saying, “you know what, fuck this lol. Screw following this information and trying to live by it and trying to be good and do the right thing. I’m here and I define me, not this stuff that I’ve been holding on to in my head cause it’s what I’ve been told at some point or another.”

Because at the end of the day I’ve found that what matters is just that I live and apply the tools, that I learn to trust myself and through testing and trying things out, learn for myself what life is all about. I have to admit that I had such a ‘religion-oriented’ mind-set that I automatically created a doctrine out of things that were said. I wasn’t even aware that I was doing it, and I have never consciously been ‘religious’. This is just unconscious mind preprogramming related to cultural/genetic history having unconscious influences in the way that I was brought up as well. I mean, no one can show you this stuff, in terms of how your mind picks things up and interprets information according to unconscious structures that have formed and I also don’t yet see all of it. But what I do see is from what I’ve been able to realize for myself, not because of what I’ve been told.

That’s just my personal experience when it comes to ‘the things Bernard Poolman said’ and how I’ve realized that, like with anything, it must be questioned and referenced to your own self-developed understanding of things and shouldn’t be used as a gospel to live by. The message has always been clear: sort yourself out by walking your process, using the tools, become your own master and leader and you’ll see for yourself what’s real and what’s not. 

 

 

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.eqafe.com

Understanding the Baby's Kicking - Adventures with QCK

 

This is another sort of 'eye-opening' point I've wanted to share with regards to my experiences so far during pregnancy, specifically working with QCK(Quantum Change Kinesiology). I mean working with QCK, as well as just having much experience with investigating/exploring the mind(see Desteni/DIP), I've learned to recognize and see the physical body and all possible physical sensations/experiences/pains/conditions/expressions as a sort of feedback 'tool' or 'machine' that appropriately shows you your 'real self' so to speak. Or it at least just shows you your deeper programming that you're not aware of as you go about your day/life on a purely conscious level. It's fascinating stuff.

But there was one thing I wasn't expecting as I'm working in this realm of 'body/mind communication' and that is that a developing baby/fetus in the womb also plays a role in this 'feedback machine' that is the physical body. Something that specifically becomes apparent when the baby starts 'kicking', or rather when you start feeling the kicks. Yes, I had my first moments of awe and endearment and the "omg, he/she is kicking!". You know, that new parent milestone that you get all excited about cause it reminds you of 'the miracle of life' growing inside you. Although, it's only when I started looking into these kicks and communicating with the baby every time I felt one that I realized they're not 'random', and certainly not all 'miracle of life' related. In fact, a lot of the time it's the baby communicating to me about what I am participating in in my mind. Basically him/her saying "stop it!", or "you need to look at this".

But the most fascinating of all is his/her participation when I am busy looking at/working through a point, not to mention when I am working with someone else in a QCK session. The baby will actually 'hold' the information of the point I'm working with, be it my own or that of a client, and will sometimes 'nudge' me in the right direction. That maybe sounds a bit technical or confusing, but yes lol. I am not entirely sure how it works or why this kind of 'support' is coming from the baby to be honest. This is about as far as my understanding has taken me. And this is all a very new kind of journey for me as well so I am also learning about all this as I go, through experience and practice and observation.

To maybe give you a practical example of how this goes down. Say I'm in a session with someone and we're tapping into/working with a particular subconscious personality design that's hiding on deeper layers of an issue they're dealing with. This personality being on a subconscious level alone requires me to see the information in myself first, since it is very likely that the person won't be aware of the subconscious personality if I tell them, "oh you are living a personality design of being rigid(just for example sake)". They'll go, "right, ehm, I guess?" I as the practitioner have to be the one to be able to show them exactly how and where and in what way they're living this thing, in a way that allows them to recognize it and relate to it within themselves and go, "ah yes, I see how I do this". And this can be tricky sometimes because basically now I need to be fully open and receptive to see/receive/tune into/experience what's on that very specific subconscious level of this person's mind, as well as be able to specify and articulate what it is that I'm seeing. This is all 'resonant work' and not necessarily something I'll be going into right now though (but, more than willing to answer questions in the comments section!).

So sometimes I'll get a little bit 'stuck', as in there just won't be anything coming up or I just don't immediately see anything. Usually that means that it is actually there and I am actually seeing it, I just don't know that I'm seeing it lol, because the point is so nuanced or subtle. Those are the times when the baby will give me a 'kick', or will shift positions or will even go into a 'pain' or 'discomfort' experience, basically to give me a 'physical reference point' for me to be able to better access the information. Physical reference point, as in it's just easier for me to 'draw'/read information from a tangible physical point, in terms of reading/accessing the mind/body relationship, than reading it 'out of thin air' so to speak. This 'reading the mind/body relationship' is a big part of the QCK work that I do, where I start from a physical point and then open that up into the resonant layers, or 'mind programming', existent within and behind it. So here the baby will support by positioning and placing itself ever so specifically. Almost physically embodying the point from the client for me so I can have a better 'feel' for it physically and am able to read it better. And yeah, it's as 'fantastical' as it sounds lol. To have my baby helping me out as I'm helping others, and to just have the baby's communication come through so clearly within all the different kicks, turns, positions and movements that it makes in there. And so the wild ride of pregnancy continues lol.

This is just me sharing what my experience has been so far with being pregnant and working with resonance through QCK. Sharing about the things that have kind of 'blown me out of the water' personally, as it's just things I never thought were possible. Not like I've ever read about women communicating with their baby through its kicking and movements in the womb. It is a 'direct' form of communication with reality that is very new to me, and as far as I know, to the world(or at least humanity). Something that's actually always been here, yet never realized or practiced because our minds have always gotten in the way. That's why I suppose you could say that QCK is about supporting in that process of deconstructing the mind. A tool of assistance and support for humanity to get to who we really are. Direct seeing, direct communication, and awareness of everything that is here. But we first have to walk our process through our own mind.

Investigate tools of support at Desteni, Desteni 'I' Process, DIP Lite, Eqafe, and at Space of Grace, where you can find me with QCK along with many other practitioners who each have their own modality of support and who work with the same principle of facilitating your process through the mind and "into" who you really are. 

 Contact me at Space of Grace, via Facebook or here in the comment section if you're curious to learn more about QCK and what I do exactly.

Kim

Mind Development in the Developing Fetus: A QCK Adventure

 

 

This one's another exciting story, albeit maybe also a bit bizarre, that I've been wanting to share about my 'adventures' with QCK, resonance and the developing baby fetus in my belly.Why I'm saying this story might be a bit bizarre is because it's not like one you'll have heard anywhere before. It covers topics that may be a bit hard to grasp at first, but they're fascinating nonetheless. Topics such as... gosh, where do I begin?! lol To be honest I am also learning about all this stuff as I go. It entails as much my process, as well as the baby's and the process I'm walking with QCK, in terms of investigating the relationship between the mind and the body (or, as I've more specifically described before, how I work with 'resonance'). Again not going to go into the specifics of what 'resonance' is, but I am more than happy to answer questions in the comment section!

Anyways! Let's just get into it. A little while ago, without any clear reason or cause, I suddenly started experiencing abdominal cramps. At first, obviously thinking nothing of it cause when you're pregnant you experience cramps for numerous reasons; constipation, bloatedness, being gassy, the uterus expanding and what not. Then I felt my body going into a state of 'panic', like 'Ok, something's happening that is not normal!' Kind of like a red alarm going off inside. Physically it felt like I was going to have my period, that sinking feeling in the pelvis that feels like things are going to be pushed out and released. The cramping worsened, I started to feel extremely faint like I was going to pass out and things no longer felt like 'they were going to pass', like I just need to 'wait it out'. They felt as though my body was in a state of emergency and I may be needing a trip to the hospital.

While all these physical symptoms were going on, I was doing what I usually do whenever I'm experiencing any pain, discomfort or strange experience in my belly. I check the resonance, or in other words I check the link between the physical and the mind. And here I have a few check points that I go through to determine whether it is me or the baby and then what the actual point is that's causing the physical discomfort. And a point that came through very strongly in the baby's resonance was that he 'wanted out!'. That, with looking at all of what I have been going through in my personal life, the emotions that's been bringing up, and looking at what that will mean in terms of the environment he's going to be born into, he's opting to rather evacuate right now. And I can't say that I could disagree with how he was seeing things. That, sure yes I was 'busy changing' and 'working on' all the issues he was seeing, but unfortunately for me, 'just not fast enough'. That there is such a point as 'too late'. His decision was made, he's not waiting for me any longer. 

So as I was mentally preparing myself for a possible miscarriage, I thought 'Ok, well maybe this isn't necessarily how it needs to be, and maybe there's a point here that I can address with QCK', because I've learned by now that you wouldn't believe how many experiences and ways of seeing things - that, sure, feel very 'real' in the moment - are actually systems in the mind and can be 'deprogrammed'. You're just not aware of the mechanics behind 'why' you feel and see things the way you do and so will accept it as 'real'. With a QCK session those mechanics become exposed and so you're able to more easily let things go or work through them.

Now, a session goes as follows: I will do a lot of 'checking' and cross-referencing points. Like in this case I checked obviously, 'Ok, is this actually a mind-system the baby and me is accessing or is this a real thing?' This cross-referenced as 'yes, it's a mind-system'. Now the interesting thing as well as we go through a session, with each check-point so to speak, is that there is a 'release' that happens. Some of the tension that's been built up emotionally/mentally within the mind-system will relax and release each time a particular layer of it has been identified and realized. For instance, just with realizing that 'Ok, this isn't actually real, it's a mind-system that I can address, direct and change', already removed some of the stress or sense of 'urgency' of the overall experience. The next checkpoint is then of course 'well, what mind-system are we dealing with here?'

Here is where I work with a lot of information that I've developed over the years with Andrea Rossouw, and is something we're able to use as our blueprint in navigating the mind in a session. It's a way of organizing the jumble of whatever we are going through inside into comprehensible terminology that allows us to see clearly and work with the different components of how the mind operates (and makes things seem so 'real' when they're actually not). I suppose you could say it helps 'place things into perspective'. 

The mind-system that cross-referenced here was a personality design of being 'grim'. Grim as in, perceiving and seeing the world in a particularly gloomy, dark, pessimistic and overall negative way. So in short, the baby was actually accessing this personality design, which he'd copied from me, and was deciding that he 'wanted out' because - being in this personality design - he could not see any potential, possibility, hope or opportunity for things to get better, to change and be good. He was seeing his world in the worst possible way and so his conclusion or 'solution' was the worst possible option. So realizing this as a personality design wasn't just a learning-lesson for the baby, but also for me, since I'd been wholeheartedly agreeing with everything he was seeing and deciding throughout the whole thing. I too was living this personality design of being quite grim in how I tend to perceive things. Assuming the worst, rather than creating and allowing space for things to turn out good. This was another moment of 'release', with realizing 'oooh ok, so I'm not actually seeing reality but more an interpretation or perception of it based on some deeper programming that's causing me to see the worst in things'.

From here the session went into this 'deeper programming', which lasted all throughout the evening, as well as the next few days to really get to the bottom of the thing. As in, where does this one 'perception/interpretation' of reality, this one pattern and tendency of being 'grim', originate from? Throughout it all, using my body, and whatever cramps/discomforts were still there, as a cross-reference and a guide to let me know there's still more to look at. Until the last layer had been uncovered and the body felt settled, present and comfortable. In these kind of sessions we really venture into places that have been 'locked away' in different layers of our awareness, so yes it can take a while to open up all of those 'locked doors' as we sink deeper and deeper into ourselves. This one took me on a ride, not just through my own sub- and unconscious mind, but also my partner's - the baby's father - which was all forming part of the baby's already programmed 'mindset'.

Suffice to say that pregnancy has definitely had it's 'surprises' for me so far, in terms of opening up so much more for me in my ability to work with QCK. It hasn't all just been due to being pregnant, I've also just been working with myself a lot more, working with Joe Kou as a life coach, and just cranking my own process up a notch. All that, and having this 'extra perspective' through the baby has added to developing an extreme depth, compared to what I was working with before, as I work with myself and other people in QCK sessions. Absolutely fascinating stuff. So that's all for this 'adventure'. If this is all wild and bizarre to you, that's normal lol. We're not used to working on this level, with resonance, mind programming and the mind and body relationship. This all only opened up and started for me because I've been walking with Desteni and have been walking my Desteni 'I' Process for such a long time. In a way seeing the 'fabric of the universe' as resonance.

I do QCK sessions, not for the faint-hearted, where I take you down deep into your programming and where we have a look at what's at the origin of whatever you're dealing with. Come check me out at Space of Grace, or find me on Facebook. I invite and welcome conversations and questions to better understand all this stuff. Or any inquiries about QCK sessions, resonance, mind-body relationship or mind programming, don't hesitate to send my way.