Fear of Failure and self-forgiveness - Day 1

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project ‘failure’ onto the future in my mind – and to react to any possible decision that I’m considering with a fear of it ‘failing’ in the future --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this belief in apparent ‘failure’ is something I have inherited from my father as he used to emotionally abuse me by making me feel like I ‘failed’ at things as in that I was not capable of succeeding or being successful and that I was apparently just an ‘idiot’ who made all the wrong decisions and was doing ‘stupid’ things in their life without any capability at being successful at anything

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that that definition of ‘failure’ doesn’t actually exist except for in the mind as a thought and emotional experience, as it is in fact a personality programming of beating up on myself, expecting the worst and having a negative opinion of myself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word failure in and as that negatively charged emotional experience of disappointment – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is a consequence of having grown up in an environment where there were a lot of ‘expectations’ placed and defined as a ‘positive’ point, where ‘disappointment’ as a reaction to apparent ‘failure’ to live up to the expectations was then used as the negative within and as a polarity – in order to keep the child ‘in line’ as in living according to the expectations as ‘wants’ of the parent, as what was defined as a ‘failure’ was all preprogrammed and decided by the expectations and wants of the parents and thus not what the word ‘failure’ actually is

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘failure’ in and as that preprogrammed mind consciousness system where ‘failure’ is defined by the parents expectations and used as a manipulation tactic to keep the child in line with the parents’ wants --- instead of being the self-directive principle of and as the word ‘failure’ and live the word failure as a principle as a living word rather than a word defined in and as energy as the mind consciousness system

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect an emotional experience to the word ‘failure’, where I suddenly feel ‘bad’ about myself and feel disappointed and I feel down on myself and beat up on myself for being an apparent ‘failure’ as in believing that I couldn’t do what I was apparently ‘supposed to’ do as in the expectations that were there for me and now that I did not live up to those expectations, I am apparently ‘inferior’ and worth less than others who apparently DID achieve and live up to the ‘expectations’ –

 

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word failure with an emotional experience of inferiority and a belief that I am ‘less than’ others who were apparently ‘successful’ or who apparently ‘havent failed’ – where I have defined the word failure within and as comparison with others and a belief that there are expectations in separation of myself to be lived up to and if I cannot live up to those apparent expectations then I am a ‘failure’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word failure in and as the belief that there are expectations in separation of myself to be lived up to – instead of seeing realizing and understanding that failure as a living word is when I give up on myself, by for instance trying to live up to other people’s expectations, so the word failure is a reminder to myself to trust myself and honor myself and make sure that I believe in myself and place myself first rather than compare myself to others

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to fail is to give up on myself and to stop trusting and supporting and believing in myself, to stop pushing and moving and motivating myself – and has nothing to do with expectations from other people or expectations in general

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail by not believing in myself and giving up on myself in and as a ‘fear of failure’ as a preprogrammed mind consciousness system

 

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to live the word failure as a living word as a reminder to stand by myself and support myself and not give up on myself

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to ‘fail’ as a living word and principle is in fact the opposite of how ‘failure’ is defined in and as the mind, where the mind defines failure as not being able to live up to expectations in separation with self, while ‘failure’ as a living word would be for instance to try to live up to expectations rather than honoring oneself and living by ones own principles, and to give up oneself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop believing in myself because I believed that I ‘failed’ because I could not live up to certain expectations that I was measuring myself up to – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the real ‘failure’ was that I stopped believing in myself and stopped supporting myself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself by believing that I have already failed as I’ve defined the word failure in and as an energy polarity and an experience of fear

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider allowing this fear of failure to influence me into giving up on myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘failure’ is to give up on myself and that I can only fail if I give up

 

When and as I see myself going into fear of failing as a fear where I project emotional experiences of inferiority, regret, shame and disappointment into the future – then I stop and I breathe, and I see, realize and understand that ‘failure’ is not a negatively charged emotional energy connected with a belief that I ‘havent lived up to expectations’, but failure is in fact the abandonment of myself here and the giving up on myself

 

So I see, realize and understand that it is in fact this point of existing in fear of failure as a future projection that is me living ‘failure’ as I am not trusting, supporting, motivating or believing in myself or doing what’s best for myself HERE but rather trusting these future projections as imaginations in the mind

 

I commit myself to live the word ‘failure’ as a reminder to keep trusting and supporting and believing in myself and a reminder that to fail is to give up on myself

 

I see, realize and understand that failure has nothing to do with ‘expectations’ but has everything to do with my relationship with myself and whether I am honoring myself and what is best for me in my life

 

I commit myself to honor myself and what is best for myself  - to trust myself, support myself and not give up on myself and what is best for me as life in and as the physical in oneness and equality

 

I see, realize and understand that I can only fail if I give up on myself and that the moment I give up on myself, I have failed and that therefore the fear of failing is not an excuse to give up on myself as ‘failure’ is never real unless I give up on myself

 

I commit myself to live success as a living word and principle of not giving up on myself and not allowing myself to ‘fail’

 

I see, realize and understand that success is not about living up to expectations in separation of myself but is about honoring myself and being true to myself and supporting myself unconditionally within anything and everything I do in my life and never giving up on myself and on supporting myself

 

I commit myself to live the word ‘success’ as the principle of not giving up on myself as life in and as the physical in and as oneness and equality – not allowing myself to fail, which is to give up on myself – and to commit myself to support, motivate and move myself unconditionally, not allowing anything to influence me to ‘give up’

Yearning for LOVE

This is a continuation of my previous post "To Make Mistakes"

There’s been this interesting ‘point’ that’s come up in me lately and that seems entirely something ‘new’ to me. It’s a point of like a sense of ‘romance’ or ‘love’ and ‘relationship’, but not exactly in terms of feelings. More like a particular expression. Or like a ‘movement’ to want to explore and define and live these words. In fact I’m seeing that on a deeper level there is this ‘yearning’ for it. Cause it’s almost like everything in my life and life-experience has always been the opposite of these words. Even with being in a relationship, I’ve never allowed myself to access any form of ‘romance’ or ‘love’. In fact my relationships have always been quite conflicted lol. Where I would more just stir up conflict in some form than participate in any positive feelings or experiences.

So that’s why, with this ‘expression’ of ‘romance’ coming up in me, it’s sort of confused me. Where obviously a part of me is also going, ‘but, romance and love and all that, that’s just mind-stuff so this can’t really be genuine. It has to be a mind point in some way!’ And sure, it may be. But at the same time the ‘yearning’ is definitely showing me that I’ve certainly deprived myself of something quite significant throughout my life. And maybe right now my mind is interpreting that as ‘romance’ and ‘love’ and is defining it within preprogrammed definitions that I already have of what those words are.

Cause yes, I mean, I have never ‘loved’ myself. And that is probably what I am really yearning/looking for here. To ‘love’ myself. To be in a ‘romantic relationship’ with myself lol. I’ve always very easily bestowed and given all my ‘love’ to others. Really wanting to give EVERYTHING of myself to another, to the point that there was nothing left of/for me, as that to me was what it meant to truly ‘love’. And it’s created a sort of ‘emptiness’ within me. Being a completely ‘empty’ individual. Because I give everything away. So now I’m left deeply yearning for real love and romance, for ME.

To have that same ‘unconditional/total/complete giving of myself’, but for ME. Not for anyone ‘else’. To give up my life/self, for ME. And give everything, to ME. It’s completely opposite to what I’ve been living so far so it feels entirely alien to even consider it.  Cause I mean, I HAVE to ‘give’ to me, if I want to be able to let go of my desires and attachments with regards to relationships with ‘other people’.

Cause a point that’s also been coming up lately is a want to sort of change and transform my relationship with Paul into an ‘agreement’. In terms of essentially it being a ‘friendship’. Or like ‘friends with benefits’. Where, I’m now at a point where I am ‘done’ with this whole relationship programming within myself, and I am starting to see the solution of agreements of like just two individuals standing together as like just best friends. Where, there’s none of that emotional/feeling bullshit going on. There’s just the supportive qualities that you’d find in a friendship, like equality, sharing, communication, understanding – with sex as a bonus lol.

And for me, this is a big thing lol. No it’s HUGE. Considering the extent to which I’ve always had this obsession with ‘relationships’ in my mind, where I wouldn’t even see or consider it a possibility to be ‘just friends’. It simply did not exist within me, that a male and female in a ‘relationship’ could be ‘friends’, with sex just being a ‘benefit’, but nothing ‘special’. That you could even have such a ‘relationship’ where there is no emotional/feeling bullshit. No co-dependence. No manipulation. No deception. No anxieties or insecurities. No trying or having to be or express yourself in a particular way. No having to be ‘attractive’ for the other person. No worrying whether they ‘still like/want you’. No having to go into personality designs related to being the ‘male’ or ‘female’ in the relationship. No having to ‘fulfill’ some kind of ‘role’. No mutual blame or expectations. No resentments. No suppressed anger or reactions. But where each individual stands alone within self-responsibility, and both just ‘stand together’.

So it’s cool, that it’s opening up for me. Just need to now walk this, SLOWLY but SURELY, into creation. Learning to more create a relationship with ME rather than with another person. And be able to ‘let go’ of the other person, just like how you would within a friendship. Where you can just let the other person BE lol and there’s not that intense ‘attachment’. There’s just a realization and understanding that you don’t NEED each other, but you do enjoy each other’s company. And it doesn’t have to be more than that.

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Are you Worthy?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Live by Principles so you can be Trusted"

What I have found is that when it comes to things like self-love, self-care, self-appreciation, self-respect, self-worth and self-acceptance - they're things you have to 'earn'. You have to 'prove yourself worthy'. They're not things that you 'just' give to yourself.

And that, when you feel 'worthless' or 'rejected', it's silly to go "Oh, just accept yourself" or "just recognize your own worth" or "you just have to appreciate yourself more". Even though that's what we do. That's the stuff that we say to each other and to ourselves. But, does it ever work?

It doesn't. And maybe that's our only 'saving grace' too. Our only point of self-honesty. That we can't just accept the appreciation or acceptance, until we know we've earned it. And, trust me, you'll KNOW when you've earned it. You'll be able to look at yourself and not be able to NOT have respect and regard for yourself. It will be HERE.

And, until it is undeniably here, you are still only in the process of earning and proving yourself worthy. Which is fine. I mean really all you can do is just be honest about it. At least then you have self-honesty. And a starting point. And that's at least 'something'. It means you exist, at least. It means you're real.

Then you can start your 'real' process. Building yourself up from scratch. Proving that you are life. Purifying yourself and passing through the eye of the needle. Living words, like self-love, self-respect and self-appreciation, in a way that makes them undeniably here.