This is a continuation of my previous post "To Make Mistakes"
There’s been this interesting ‘point’ that’s come up in me lately and that seems entirely something ‘new’ to me. It’s a point of like a sense of ‘romance’ or ‘love’ and ‘relationship’, but not exactly in terms of feelings. More like a particular expression. Or like a ‘movement’ to want to explore and define and live these words. In fact I’m seeing that on a deeper level there is this ‘yearning’ for it. Cause it’s almost like everything in my life and life-experience has always been the opposite of these words. Even with being in a relationship, I’ve never allowed myself to access any form of ‘romance’ or ‘love’. In fact my relationships have always been quite conflicted lol. Where I would more just stir up conflict in some form than participate in any positive feelings or experiences.
So that’s why, with this ‘expression’ of ‘romance’ coming up in me, it’s sort of confused me. Where obviously a part of me is also going, ‘but, romance and love and all that, that’s just mind-stuff so this can’t really be genuine. It has to be a mind point in some way!’ And sure, it may be. But at the same time the ‘yearning’ is definitely showing me that I’ve certainly deprived myself of something quite significant throughout my life. And maybe right now my mind is interpreting that as ‘romance’ and ‘love’ and is defining it within preprogrammed definitions that I already have of what those words are.
Cause yes, I mean, I have never ‘loved’ myself. And that is probably what I am really yearning/looking for here. To ‘love’ myself. To be in a ‘romantic relationship’ with myself lol. I’ve always very easily bestowed and given all my ‘love’ to others. Really wanting to give EVERYTHING of myself to another, to the point that there was nothing left of/for me, as that to me was what it meant to truly ‘love’. And it’s created a sort of ‘emptiness’ within me. Being a completely ‘empty’ individual. Because I give everything away. So now I’m left deeply yearning for real love and romance, for ME.
To have that same ‘unconditional/total/complete giving of myself’, but for ME. Not for anyone ‘else’. To give up my life/self, for ME. And give everything, to ME. It’s completely opposite to what I’ve been living so far so it feels entirely alien to even consider it. Cause I mean, I HAVE to ‘give’ to me, if I want to be able to let go of my desires and attachments with regards to relationships with ‘other people’.
Cause a point that’s also been coming up lately is a want to sort of change and transform my relationship with Paul into an ‘agreement’. In terms of essentially it being a ‘friendship’. Or like ‘friends with benefits’. Where, I’m now at a point where I am ‘done’ with this whole relationship programming within myself, and I am starting to see the solution of agreements of like just two individuals standing together as like just best friends. Where, there’s none of that emotional/feeling bullshit going on. There’s just the supportive qualities that you’d find in a friendship, like equality, sharing, communication, understanding – with sex as a bonus lol.
And for me, this is a big thing lol. No it’s HUGE. Considering the extent to which I’ve always had this obsession with ‘relationships’ in my mind, where I wouldn’t even see or consider it a possibility to be ‘just friends’. It simply did not exist within me, that a male and female in a ‘relationship’ could be ‘friends’, with sex just being a ‘benefit’, but nothing ‘special’. That you could even have such a ‘relationship’ where there is no emotional/feeling bullshit. No co-dependence. No manipulation. No deception. No anxieties or insecurities. No trying or having to be or express yourself in a particular way. No having to be ‘attractive’ for the other person. No worrying whether they ‘still like/want you’. No having to go into personality designs related to being the ‘male’ or ‘female’ in the relationship. No having to ‘fulfill’ some kind of ‘role’. No mutual blame or expectations. No resentments. No suppressed anger or reactions. But where each individual stands alone within self-responsibility, and both just ‘stand together’.
So it’s cool, that it’s opening up for me. Just need to now walk this, SLOWLY but SURELY, into creation. Learning to more create a relationship with ME rather than with another person. And be able to ‘let go’ of the other person, just like how you would within a friendship. Where you can just let the other person BE lol and there’s not that intense ‘attachment’. There’s just a realization and understanding that you don’t NEED each other, but you do enjoy each other’s company. And it doesn’t have to be more than that.