From Relationship to Agreement

This is quite an interesting blog written by Kim Kline, called "Relationships as religion" and well worth a read as her experiences mirror my own. I've been walking a similar path as of late, walking a relationship into an agreement. In fact, I had my relationship fail first before it was able, or rather before I was able to consider it could also be something different. Something more supportive for me as an individual, rather than something that would have me compromise myself.

In fact my relationship failed because I was so indoctrinated and obsessed with the religion of it. Using it as the 'rock' that hides and suppresses my deep, hidden fears. I was not supporting myself. My real self. Who I am as an individual. I more defined myself by the relationship. By my fear of losing it in my life. Fear of what I may face and experience within myself if I lost this 'rock'. And the indoctrination was so deep that I had to lose it, to realize there is still a 'self' without the relationship, and that that self needs to be honored a lot more than I had been. It was only fitting for my relationship to fail so that I may see and realize I had not been honoring what's best for me. I had not been listening to myself, or expressing myself. I was living for some 'God' or some 'idea' of what's more important than me, being my 'relationship'. Something I believed I could not live without.

All of my perfect ideas and ideals around relationships needed to end so that I could realize that what I had been believing in all this time had been a lie, and so that I could finally start placing myself first as 'God'. Having some self-respect, some self-integrity, self-honor and self-consideration. 

It was only because life took an unexpected turn of events, that my (ex)-partner and I came back together to form an agreement. This time both of us with open eyes, not 'falling' into anything, not out of feelings of 'love' or beliefs about being 'meant for each other' or even a desire to be together. But simply an agreement that we'll be two individuals who walk together in the physical and who will honor themselves and stand in support of honoring that individuality.

It is still challenging, because the desire to be in a relationship will still come up. The familiar tendency to want that 'rock' to be there to conveniently hide all of my fears under, and any of the unpleasant and uncomfortable experiences I've come to associate with 'being alone'. But, as Kim Kline stated in her blog, and as I've also realized, I am not alone. Yes I am responsible for me, I am an individual, I do not need a relationship, but just because there is no relationship, doesn't mean there is 'aloneness'. In fact I've found that within an agreement there is more togetherness, because now I get to be unapologetically me. I get to share me as I am. I don't need to hide anything, which I realized I was actually doing quite a lot while in a relationship. In fact, being in a relationship made me feel much more alone than being in an agreement. I just never realized how much until I stepped out of the relationship and suddenly felt a sense of freedom.

To be continued...

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Yearning for LOVE

This is a continuation of my previous post "To Make Mistakes"

There’s been this interesting ‘point’ that’s come up in me lately and that seems entirely something ‘new’ to me. It’s a point of like a sense of ‘romance’ or ‘love’ and ‘relationship’, but not exactly in terms of feelings. More like a particular expression. Or like a ‘movement’ to want to explore and define and live these words. In fact I’m seeing that on a deeper level there is this ‘yearning’ for it. Cause it’s almost like everything in my life and life-experience has always been the opposite of these words. Even with being in a relationship, I’ve never allowed myself to access any form of ‘romance’ or ‘love’. In fact my relationships have always been quite conflicted lol. Where I would more just stir up conflict in some form than participate in any positive feelings or experiences.

So that’s why, with this ‘expression’ of ‘romance’ coming up in me, it’s sort of confused me. Where obviously a part of me is also going, ‘but, romance and love and all that, that’s just mind-stuff so this can’t really be genuine. It has to be a mind point in some way!’ And sure, it may be. But at the same time the ‘yearning’ is definitely showing me that I’ve certainly deprived myself of something quite significant throughout my life. And maybe right now my mind is interpreting that as ‘romance’ and ‘love’ and is defining it within preprogrammed definitions that I already have of what those words are.

Cause yes, I mean, I have never ‘loved’ myself. And that is probably what I am really yearning/looking for here. To ‘love’ myself. To be in a ‘romantic relationship’ with myself lol. I’ve always very easily bestowed and given all my ‘love’ to others. Really wanting to give EVERYTHING of myself to another, to the point that there was nothing left of/for me, as that to me was what it meant to truly ‘love’. And it’s created a sort of ‘emptiness’ within me. Being a completely ‘empty’ individual. Because I give everything away. So now I’m left deeply yearning for real love and romance, for ME.

To have that same ‘unconditional/total/complete giving of myself’, but for ME. Not for anyone ‘else’. To give up my life/self, for ME. And give everything, to ME. It’s completely opposite to what I’ve been living so far so it feels entirely alien to even consider it.  Cause I mean, I HAVE to ‘give’ to me, if I want to be able to let go of my desires and attachments with regards to relationships with ‘other people’.

Cause a point that’s also been coming up lately is a want to sort of change and transform my relationship with Paul into an ‘agreement’. In terms of essentially it being a ‘friendship’. Or like ‘friends with benefits’. Where, I’m now at a point where I am ‘done’ with this whole relationship programming within myself, and I am starting to see the solution of agreements of like just two individuals standing together as like just best friends. Where, there’s none of that emotional/feeling bullshit going on. There’s just the supportive qualities that you’d find in a friendship, like equality, sharing, communication, understanding – with sex as a bonus lol.

And for me, this is a big thing lol. No it’s HUGE. Considering the extent to which I’ve always had this obsession with ‘relationships’ in my mind, where I wouldn’t even see or consider it a possibility to be ‘just friends’. It simply did not exist within me, that a male and female in a ‘relationship’ could be ‘friends’, with sex just being a ‘benefit’, but nothing ‘special’. That you could even have such a ‘relationship’ where there is no emotional/feeling bullshit. No co-dependence. No manipulation. No deception. No anxieties or insecurities. No trying or having to be or express yourself in a particular way. No having to be ‘attractive’ for the other person. No worrying whether they ‘still like/want you’. No having to go into personality designs related to being the ‘male’ or ‘female’ in the relationship. No having to ‘fulfill’ some kind of ‘role’. No mutual blame or expectations. No resentments. No suppressed anger or reactions. But where each individual stands alone within self-responsibility, and both just ‘stand together’.

So it’s cool, that it’s opening up for me. Just need to now walk this, SLOWLY but SURELY, into creation. Learning to more create a relationship with ME rather than with another person. And be able to ‘let go’ of the other person, just like how you would within a friendship. Where you can just let the other person BE lol and there’s not that intense ‘attachment’. There’s just a realization and understanding that you don’t NEED each other, but you do enjoy each other’s company. And it doesn’t have to be more than that.

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com