Moving at the Speed of Light

This is a continuation of my previous post "Desperate for Connection"

When you start staring down into ‘yourself’ and into all the ways and all the points wherein you’re not entirely being ‘self-honest’ or ‘real’ with yourself, all you see is just an infinite and vast amount of dishonesty. Just so many points wherein you’ve given up your power to the mind, and lost touch with yourself, and abdicated self-responsibility.

And I’ve found that, being faced with all of it, I’ve gone into this point of ‘panic’. A panic related to a fear of ‘not making it’. Which has made me rush into trying to change as much as possible and as fast as possible. Trying to walk my process of self-change at quantum speed. Often juggling many different points at once and trying to include as much of the mind as possible when doing my writing and applying self-forgiveness. Really pushing myself to ‘get it done’ as soon as possible.

And because I’m in panic-mode, every little point that comes up from moment to moment, seems of the utmost importance to give my attention to. It’s like every little point that comes up is saying “hey look at this point that you still need to change about yourself! Better get on that Kim, you’re slacking!” And along with that, also going into reactions of judgment of ‘every point I haven’t yet changed’ or of ‘every point I thought I had changed but here it is coming up again!’

And because of all this chasing after the mind in an experience of panic, I never actually feel like I am really on top of anything. Really directing anything. Cause all I can see is just more, and more and more piling up in front of me and, to be honest, I actually kind of feel like I just can’t do it. And I just can’t handle it all. I feel like a little kid, just overwhelmed by expectations, but feeling totally unequipped to live up to them. But not by a lack of trying.

So safe to say my movement within my process has not been…, well I just haven’t been moving all that much actually. Even though I’ve been trying to move at the speed of light, I have only moved incrementally.  Cause I’ve been stuck in this pattern. Of believing I could take on the mind all at once. Which has really only made me feel all the more disempowered within myself.

Cause the reality is that my ‘power’ is more within the ‘small’. Within standing in just one singular point. That’s where I can really direct anything and ‘be on top of’ things. When my focus only has to be on just one point that I am changing, and isn’t slung all over the place, trying to focus on multiple points at once. Real power is within taking on just one point at a time, and walking that one point into change.

The Hell we make Ourselves

This is a continuation of the previous post "Giving your all within going for what you want"

When you get arrogant, there are consequences. You may not be aware that your actions are having consequences, until it is 'too late'. The thing about arrogance is the inability to see consequences. You think you've 'got something', and that that 'something' is a 'sure thing'. You stop questioning yourself. And when you stop questioning yourself you become blind to what's happening around you.

You stop seeing that things are always in movement. Everything is always moving even if it doesn't seem like it. Arrogance makes you not move 'with' things. It makes you stagnate. It makes you stop breathing and stop living. It makes you also assume that, just like you came to a halt, so did the world around you. And so you don't see that in fact, life is always 'on the move'. Just cause you gave up, doesn't mean that the world stopped turning.

You sink into a 'lazy couch' inside of yourself, from where you don't see any 'urgency' to move 'with' your reality, to pay attention to your reality. Unfortunately, when consequences play out, it becomes an 'emergency'. But then there is no action that can reverse or undo those consequences. Then there is just the bottomless pit of regret for not having been more humble.

Arrogance is like shooting yourself in the leg. But by the time you realize you've shot yourself in the leg there's nothing you can do anymore. You now need to make peace with the consequences and not to mention the anger at yourself for having done it to yourself. There is nothing worse than realizing that what is happening is completely your own doing and that there is nothing you can do about it now because you should have just not been so arrogant.

The only way to 'beat' arrogance, is to just keep breathing. Breath is the pace in which life moves, which is 'in every moment', always present, always aware. Never coming to a halt. It is a constant flow and if you don't move 'with' that flow, in humbleness, you might end up in your own self-created hell.

To stay humble in every moment is a constant reminder to yourself. To constantly remind yourself that "life is moving" and, "My reality is moving, so I must be here, present and breathing."  To be moving with and as the flow of life or you'll get swept away the moment you sink into a seemingly 'sure thing' and stagnate.