Who you Really Are

This is a continuation of "How Honorable are you?"

So I mean, the problems are immense and immeasurable. When you start lifting up that 'carpet', there is just all the shit that you've been hiding from yourself, been 'blissfully unaware' of. And it is VAST.

And I've found that when I am seeing it, the 'real shit', I end up sort of staring lifelessly at it, not really knowing what to do with myself, other than just forcing myself to really SEE that which I've been dishonest about all this time. And obviously feeling more and more ashamed and regretful of what I've allowed.

Because yes the reality is that I AM an abuser. I AM deceitful, dishonest, dishonorable, self-interested, self-involved and every evil thing imaginable. That's me! And so yes, the only 'honorable' thing I can do at this point is to just not look away, but to at least be honest with myself about who I 'really am'.

But, at the end of the day, this is no solution either lol. I can keep 'feeling bad' and 'crying' over spilled milk, and yes at least I'm not pretending anymore so that's 'something'. At least that means that I CAN be honest and 'real'. But it doesn't mean that I am 'changed'.

Actual change can only happen when you are face to face with the evil that is you, and you forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for living that evil, for believing that it is 'you', for having 'become' it. And for believing that it is truly who you are and 'all that you are', rather than realizing that it is a 'programming' of 'energy' which, yes, you've accepted, but isn't who you really are.

There is actually 'more' to you. You've just never allowed yourself to see it because you accepted yourself as this programming. As this shameful, unworthy, inferior version of 'you'.

I've been here before...

This is a continuation of the previous post "Forcing yourself to Face what's Here"

Ever since starting this process, or 'decision', to face the things that I tend to avoid I have realized that if you want to really 'live' in awareness of the things that you've faced, it takes a lot of effort lol

I found that when you push yourself to really 'see' who you are and you go through the process of letting go and 'starting over', it kind of feels like a rebirth. Like you start afresh, with a new perspective, a new drive and a new awareness.

But, similar to when you were 'newly born' as a baby, there's also a tendency to sort of 'let things happen'. Like this point of, "OK I got here, now it's just coasting from here on out". It's a point of 'forgetfulness' in a way. Forgetting that actually, you've been here before. At this exact same point of being 'reborn', but then you just kind of 'allowed things to happen' and here you are again - having gone through another cycle of being programmed and conditioned into becoming something and someone that isn't who you really are.

Just because you got real and faced some things and are now 'here' doesn't mean shit. The real proof is going to be in whether or not you are going to stay 'here'. Will you make absolutely sure that the same shit doesn't just happen again, or will you go into forgetfulness?

The mind is extremely clever and cunning in its design. If you don't push yourself in every moment to 'stay real' and be honest with yourself, it is so easy to get lost again. Because, a part of you - a big part of you - WANTS to go into the mind. It WANTS to forget and be blissfully unaware. The mind just provides the platform for it. At the end of the day it's you who chooses to use that platform.