Caught in a Lie

This is a continuation of my previous post "Living Safe Haven on all Levels"

You know in those comedy movies where you have a scene wherein someone is placed on the spot and they tell a lie and then the whole scene is about them just trying to build on that lie because once they’ve started lying, there’s no turning back and then the whole thing just spins out of control, and you think to yourself how stupid it is that now this whole movie is about basically the consequential playouts of that one lie and if they had just not started lying none of those consequences would have continued to play out?

I kind of found myself in a scene like that today where I felt like I was on the spot and confronted with a task I had forgotten to do, and instead of simply truthfully saying ‘yes I’m sorry, I forgot’, the first thing that came out of my mouth was “No, I didn’t forget”.  And then obviously when I was further pushed with more questions I had to continue lying that I ‘hadn’t forgotten’, cause now it’s a lot more daunting to be ‘honest’ about not only that ‘I’d forgotten’ but also that ‘I was lying’. Now it’s TWO major character flaws that would be exposed.

And even though it didn’t have too many consequential playouts – none that I could immediately assess anyways – it still rattled me afterwards. Because, to be ‘honest’ has always been one of my values throughout my life. At some point I sort of vowed and decided that I was going to always be as honest as I possibly can be. To, even when it’s difficult to admit to something, still push myself to just be open and honest about myself. Because I realized that, ‘honesty lasts the longest’. When you are honest, even though in the moment you may appear ‘flawed’, in the long run people will come to know you as a trustworthy individual. And that’s a lot more valuable than having just a momentary sense of having ‘gotten away with something’ or a moment of avoiding someone seeing a flaw in you. And also, like in the movies, once you start shrouding yourself in lies, trying to keep up with all those lies takes a lot more effort lol. Whereas when you are honest, you have nothing to hide, and therefore you can just breathe and ‘be yourself’.

So I mean clearly, even though I have this ‘value’, it can still be ‘influenced’ and manipulated by the mind in these kinds of moments when for example a fear comes up of ‘consequences’ that might be connected with ‘being honest’. So it just shows me that this ‘value’ does not stand within me as a living word but is more something I’ve been living in separation of myself. Something I’ve been trying to ‘live towards’ or ‘live up to’. But I haven’t entirely defined and redefined the word honesty for myself.

Cause clearly how I used to define it is more in relation to ‘other people’. To not have secrets and not hide things from ‘others’. Standing in a polarity with ‘dishonesty’. Yet, never really asking myself or realizing why ‘dishonesty’ exists in the first place. Dishonesty exists because there is fear of things like punishment or judgment. Dishonesty is when we fear how another may react to our ‘honesty’. So dishonesty if anything is just a consequence of there not being a supportive environment in this world for ‘honesty’.

So obviously ‘honesty’ can only really exist as a living word, when there is no such thing as judgment or punishment. When I have a space and environment, a ‘safe haven’, where I can be unconditionally honest about everything that exists in me and everything that I am, without getting any ‘backlash’ for it. So therefore, given the current state of this reality, this kind of honesty can only exist in relation to myself. Only I can give myself that safe haven, that supportive environment that is free of judgment and punishment, to make me feel like I don’t have to be dishonest to protect myself. AND only I exist within me so the only ‘honesty’ that can be real, that can be tested and verified, is that ‘inner honesty’. Where, I see and know who I really am. Another cannot possibly see into the core of me, or take responsibility for my self-honesty. Only I can really see the real me.

The Self-Honesty Personality

This is a continuation of my previous post "Whatever you do, DON'T be benevolent"

I mean when I’m resisting listening to bernard’s vlogs, then I know there is something I’m hiding and not being honest about. Something I am not facing about myself. Cause Bernard has a way of pushing those buttons of hidden self-dishonesty. Of reaching into the depths of me and finding or touching on the point where I am not being honest with myself and where I am trying to justify self-dishonesty.

Like the point of using Desteni to basically tell myself that I am self-honest. Just cause I am in the leadership forum. Using Desteni to justify self-dishonesty. To justify and support my ‘image’. An ‘image’ that I have built of myself – an ‘ego’ – wherein I can feel positive and special. Wherein I can feel comfortable and justify my comfort zone that I have built for myself. The ‘me’ that I believe I am and don’t want to give up on.

Thinking that oh because I’ve been walking my process for so many years and I was one of the ‘first ones’ to start my process, that means I’m self-honest and special. When really, it probably means quite the opposite. It just means that all this time, I have used this point to hide my self-dishonesty. Cause I just wanted to be able to tell myself that ‘I am self-honest’, so I could hide my shit and not ever face myself. So I could feel comfortable. Cause my entire starting point in process was not self-honesty or self-responsibility. It was that I just wanted to be able to feel good.

So basically any chance I get to just feel good, I take it. And that’s usually where I stop directing myself. I mean it’s really only cause my body started ‘acting up’ that I started pushing myself. Or, it was only cause in my relationship shit was hitting the fan, that I started directing and changing things. Like literally, I have always only been moved by self-interest.  I am clearly NOT SELF-HONEST. And that might be the only self-honest thing about me. To realize and see and admit that I am simply not self-honest. I am not honorable. I don’t have integrity.

And when I have any thought or belief or idea in my mind wherein I think or believe that I am self-honest, I should KNOW, it should be a sign, a red flag, that I am definitely NOT being self-honest. That in fact I am busy hiding my self-dishonesty under this pretense of apparent ‘self-honesty’ as an ‘image’ that I’ve created and developed around ‘Desteni’. The ‘Desteni personality’.

I mean it’s all in reverse. Really the fact that I am walking with Desteni only means that I am more self-dishonest than anyone else lol. That I am more fucked than anyone else. And that I was just looking for a way out. A way to make myself feel better. All under the guise of ‘self-honesty’. So I’d never REALLY question myself. Because hey, ‘I am self-honest’, and I am doing self-forgiveness and all that, so that must mean that I’m benevolent.

I mean really ‘I am self-honest’. What a joke. I really need to let go of that illusion. Or, ‘I am a living example’ lol, that’s another one. ‘The new human’. I’ve just come to create personalities and characters out of the principles so that they could serve my self-interest. So that I could justify basically ANYTHING about myself. And I could do no wrong.

So I mean I really need to start getting my head out of my ass with this shit. And start getting REAL. I mean yes of course self-forgiveness is awesome and cool. But ‘Desteni’ means fuckall. If anything I started walking process cause I wanted to be able to ‘stand above’ and be better than everybody else in the world, because I just felt really salty about my life being the way that it was. Cause I felt like I never got what I wanted, so I wanted to use ‘process’ and self-honesty and all that to give some special meaning to myself and be able to believe that I’m somehow better and more than other people.

Like literally there is nothing about me that’s in any way worth ‘life’. And it’s in fact all in reverse. While I’ve believed that I’ve been holier than thou throughout my life, I’ve just actually been even more self-dishonest than anyone else. And yes I should ‘die’. I cannot exist. I am just the mind. I am self-dishonest. Everything of me. There is not one part of me that’s in any way honorable. Like, I just AM the mind. And the mind simply cannot exist. So, I cannot exist. I need to stop fighting. Stop trying. And just accept ‘death’. The death of me. And be just ‘silence’. No movement inside me. Stand and exist as ‘death’. THAT is the only honorable thing to do. THAT would be doing life a favor. To just not be a participant anymore. To have NOTHING going on within myself. To just STOP. Cause really if I don’t, then death will just do it for me. I will die either way. Self-interest will not survive either way. So I just need to accept that fact.

And I mean yeah I should have stood in that point a long time ago. I basically wasted YEARS apparently ‘walking process’. But I mean at the end of the day the point remains the same. The point of death is one and equal, regardless. Whether back then or now. Within death we are all one and equal. Death is the great equalizer. Equalizing past, present and future. Cause in death, none of what I believe matters really actually matters. None of how I experience myself, or define myself, matters. So I might as well just embrace death here and now. And ‘kill myself’. That is, give up literally EVERYTHING I’ve come to accept about and as ‘me’. Everything I believe makes me ‘special’. Everything I have accepted and allowed to ‘exist’. All my hopes, desires, dreams, wants, needs, personalities, self-definitions, self-beliefs.

To be Self-Honest

So how about we just assume that I have 'failed'? Because, this 'fear of failing' point is really the one thing that makes me go into ego.  As I then go and compare myself to others and then within that comparison there is always going to be a 'winner' and a 'loser' and I am always going to want to be the 'winner' and fear of being the 'loser'. And I mean it's to basically just not go into comparison at all.

To just be honest with me. Comparison must not exist within me at all anymore. Because what comparison then also does is it makes me doubt myself. Because, oh well other people don't seem to be doing what I'm doing so what if I'm 'wrong'. Cause it brings in this dimension of fear of being 'wrong', fear of being 'laughed at' and 'mocked' because oh look at Kim what is she doing. She's clearly not where we are and she's still there while we are over here. And omg haha Kim is such a loser.

So it just makes me doubt myself in what I'm doing. In my self-honesty. Cause now basically I am afraid of being self-honest cause well what if my self-honesty is - in comparison with others - not good enough? What if my self-honesty is inferior to others' self-honesty? What if I go and be honest about whats actually going on within myself, what actually exists within me, and the things that I'm really looking at inside of myself - and it turns out that 'wow', you know, I'm actually so much more deceptive and dishonest than others. Or, that all this stuff, others already walked through a long time ago, and here I am still sort of wading through this shit. Like, really what am I doing? Am I really THIS slow? THIS incompetent?

But then, that's self-honesty isn't it? It ain't pretty, but it's what's here. And what does it matter how it 'compares'? If you're really self-honest, then you don't care about that. Then the whole world can see 'who you are', all of you, and you will just stand.