Relaxation is... To Give Yourself A Break

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is... To SLOW DOWN" 

I sometimes find myself… well, “sometimes”, OFTEN lol. I OFTEN find myself sort of thinking about or ‘looking at’ myself. Thinking about ‘my place in the world’ in a way. ‘Who am I?’ And sometimes seeing, well, some ‘tough stuff’. That, in a lot of ways I haven’t been, and am not, who I’ve always believed myself to be. I’m not quite as ‘good’ and ‘innocent’ and ‘well-meaning’ and ‘honest’ and what have you, as I tended to believe. It’s the ‘real shit’ in a way. Seeing more of a ‘real’ and honest portrait and representation of myself that’s not at all the image of positivity and good-heartedness I’ve been ‘hiding’ behind for all of my life.

And it can be quite a ‘bottomless pit’ sometimes. A barrel I could just stare down forever and ever. Where it seems as though, there’s just no end to my deception, to the lies, the manipulation, the hiding, the self-compromise.  It’s just a vast wasteland of hopelessness without a speck of ‘light’ so to speak. Something I could sink into and disappear in, and just keep sinking without ever reaching a bottom. And the regret and despair is immense. All of my mistakes, all of my shortcomings, my flaws, all of it. Once you start to really open things up, there’s just a vastness to it.

I mean this sort of ‘vastness’ only really opened up not too long ago, when I started really SEEING the consequences, and my responsibility and contribution to those consequences. Seeing the ACTUAL impact my actions and who I am within them is having on my reality. And seeing ALL the ways I have not been considering reality, but have more been lost within illusions and delusions in my mind. It’s been a shock to say the least, and easy to kind of get lost in, and get sucked into.

But I’ve realized that, at some point, I HAVE TO stop. I have to ‘give myself a break’. Yes it’s vast, and yes I’m sure there’s lots and lots more I’m not yet seeing and not yet considering and yes it’s all ‘pretty bad’. But at some point I need to be like ‘ok, whatever’. And just more focus on correcting and changing myself, than staring down the deep bottomless pit of regret for what I haven’t but should have been living. At the end of the day, what matters is CHANGE. Is that I do what I can with what I’ve got, to change and correct myself. I mean it’s cool to see where and how I’ve compromised myself, and have been ‘lacking’. But if it’s not being used to push myself to change, then it’s kind of useless and a waste of time.

Cause I’ve found that it does create like a point of ‘stress’ within me. Where, I’m not just living and not just ‘here’. I’m more sinking into a pit of all sorts of emotions and so on some level am entertaining the mind, even though yes, seeing something ‘real’. So I’ve learned to ‘relax’ within this point by just not allowing myself to get too swallowed up by the ‘vastness’, but more giving myself a break from it all. Not being defined by it. Cause at the end of the day, it’s still just programming and I decide if it’s going to define me or not.

 

 

 

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To Make Mistakes

This is a continuation of my previous post "Safe Haven: A Self-Creation"

I had this very interesting dream last night about these two 'ghosts' who came into my house. Although they were actually flesh and blood, so I could see them and interact with them. And because they were 'physical', I felt less scared and just sort of invited them into my home because I wanted to see what they were about. It was a mother and a son, and I was in a bookstore. And they were playing this 'game', or were on some sort of 'mission' to solve these riddles using the books in my store. And I was indulging them in their requests and assisting them in what they were doing and wanted to just be supportive.

But there was this sense of 'urgency' that they should succeed in solving these riddles. Like, 'life or death' kind of urgency. Although, I mean, they were just riddles. There didn't seem much 'danger' to it. I don't even really remember if they ended up solving them all, but at a point they wanted to 'celebrate'. They got all 'wild', sort of forcing me to join in with them as they were really going overboard in this 'celebration'. Until suddenly the mother fell down and hit her head and was bleeding out. The son got really sad and felt guilty because they made the 'mistake' of celebrating too hard and now he felt it was 'his fault' that this happened.

Being the bystander, I realized in that moment that this is why they were 'ghosts' and why this whole thing happened. It was them being 'doomed' to relive their past 'real-life' mistake in the interdimensional existence over and over and over again. Always replaying the same exact event and scenario, with always the exact same outcome - as a form of 'punishment' for having made the mistake.

This dream quite specifically shed some perspective on a point that I have been working with. Or rather points that have opened up in my life recently where I'm having to sort of really 'trust myself' in my decisions. Doing and venturing into things that previously I even considered to be 'wrong' in some way because of newfound awareness and realizations. And what's come up is quite an extensive amount of fear of 'making a mistake'. Fear that if I do these things, I'll be making some horrible mistake and it'll all be quite 'bad'.

Cause the way that I've always handled 'mistakes' is in the same way that the ghosts in my dream handled theirs. To always keep replaying it over and over again in my mind as punishment for having made the mistake. So then obviously with this approach, 'making mistakes' becomes something quite daunting, since the 'consequence' is infinite imprisonment and infinite reliving of the same mistake. Like constantly continuously hitting myself over the head, yelling at myself 'Look at what you've done! Look at this mistake you've made!'

But in a way the dream also showed me the 'solution'. Within the 'ghosts' being 'physical'. Usually ghosts scare me because they are 'interdimensional'. You can't really see or touch them and so also not really 'work with' them in a way that you can with physical reality. So there's a sense of powerless there when it comes to 'ghosts'. A not knowing how to handle or deal with them.

But them being physical allowed me to sort of walk with them through the process of this 'mistake' that they were busy living out. I mean yes the mistake was still made and the consequences still quite unfortunate. But it could have all been prevented. If they had just been more stable within their minds. If they for instance had realized that they were just solving riddles and realized there's no 'urgency', it's no 'life or death' situation, and so hadn't placed all that 'pressure' and 'fear' and 'stress' on what they were doing. And if they then hadn't also gone into the opposite of going overboard with their 'celebration' as the positive energy.  Then the whole thing wouldn't have played out as it had.

Because 'mistakes' only happen as a consequence of not being AWARE of physical reality. And that usually only happens because you were in some dimension in your mind, caught up in energy and beliefs and experiences - rather than working with the physical reality. So you want to just make sure that you are not 'lost' in the mind, and have your feet on the ground. That your decisions are grounded in what is practical and measurable and within consideration of about as much as you are able to consider. And then STILL mistakes can be made, just because there were dimensions in and of the mind that you weren't yet aware of.

Mistakes are there to learn from. I mean, we can even learn from the mistakes that others before us have made. But somehow, instead of that being the case, it seems that we just keep repeating the same mistakes without ever really learning anything. Our parents have to watch us as we go through 'puberty' and through the rest of our lives, basically repeating the same mistakes that they did, or worse, even though they did try to warn us along the way. Because there is something in the way that we handle and deal with mistakes that's just not effective. It's like, we don't open our eyes to really learn from what is here. To be like, ok let me just walk through the timeline of this mistake to understand why things happened the way they did. And, let me walk through the timeline of my parents' lives to understand why they did what they did. And the timeline of the whole WORLD to understand why things happened the way they did. We don't tend to use mistakes in that kind of practical and self-supportive way.

So obviously since we don't use mistakes in the way they were intended to be used, but rather use them to just fuel into REACTIONS, we end up fearing them, instead of inviting and welcoming them. Because actually physical reality is a lot more FORGIVING than we are in our minds. Even within its CONSEQUENCES, physical reality does not judge or react when you make a 'mistake'. It unconditionally allows you to 'figure things out', and test out what works and what doesn't THROUGH mistakes and consequences. So really, we BETTER learn to welcome and invite consequences and mistakes, so we may learn faster