Getting Divorced

 

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad because paul said we should divorce

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that divorce is bad and that it means abandonment and aloneness and loneliness and depravity and lack

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear divorce

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that divorce is evil because then why did we get married?

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that divorce is a consequence of marriage and the fact that marriage is not properly understood within humanity

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I never understood marriage properly as I got married based on an illusion as ideals, expectations, hopes and dreams

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that divorce is at least something that lets people start over when they’ve made the mistake of marriage without understanding what marriage entails, which is in a way a mercy

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to grant myself this mercy of being able to start over by fearing divorce and by labeling and defining it as something negative or something that ‘shouldn’t happen’ --- instead of simply admitting and being real about the fact that I am not a perfect person and that I make mistakes, often through ignorance and not properly educating myself and making impulsive decisions, and that therefore it’s definitely necessary sometimes to just ‘start over’, and that therefore ‘divorce’ is not a ‘bad’ thing as it’s more like a mercy for the stupid people in the world like me --- as in people who still have a lot to learn with regards to relationships

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to simply be grateful that I get to start over after I’ve realized I’ve made a mistake and to stop clinging on to the idea that maybe what I did wasn’t a mistake and maybe I can still ‘make it work’ just because I’ve allowed a ‘stigma’ and judgment around ‘divorce’ in my mind --- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it’s always better to start over from scratch after you’ve made a mistake and this should be a normal thing rather than something to judge or feel guilty about

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it should be honored, the opportunity to get to start over, because it is a realization of what I ‘did wrong’, and a resolution and commitment to do it better this time --- realizing and using what I’ve learned to create something better --- like a painter re-starting a painting, to re-apply the techniques and skills I’ve learned  and am learning in order to be more purposeful in what I am creating

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that mistakes should not be shamed or stigmatized or judged, even in relationships, but should be recognized as stepping stones for the individual to learn and perfect themselves --- as we’re all learning in some way or another as human beings in this world, what it means to create effective relationships and how to live effective lives

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that people used to not be able to get divorced… not even that long ago, and were expected to choose a person to be in a relationship/marriage with and then be with that person for the rest of their lives, as a religious thing --- and that this caused a lot of suppressed mis-understandings or lack of understanding within people with regards to what relationships even are and how to live and establish effective “romantic” and “partnership” relationships, as people were essentially not allowed to ‘start over’ or let alone discover and explore themselves in terms of who they really are when it comes to ‘relationships’/sex/marriage/having kids/commitment/etcetera --- it was really just a ‘one-and-done’ deal

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and recognize the damage religion has caused to ‘relationships’ and humanity’s potential to create real, effective, fulfilling relationships --- and that a lot of my own personal experience with and within my marriage and relationship has been influenced by the past as in preprogrammed belief systems, judgments and stigma related to religious programming going back generations in my society and family --- which makes divorce a good thing because at least I get the chance to make mistakes and learn and start over and get to know who I am when it comes to marriage and relationships and how to create effective relationships in that process – provided I don’t make the same mistakes over and over again

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to ‘start over’ in relationships by having all these belief systems and ideas around ‘marriage’ and ‘being in a relationship’, like the belief or idea that it’s supposed to be ‘forever’ and that it’s supposed to be ‘real love’ which is supposed to ‘last for eternity’ and we’re supposed to be ‘made for each other’ or that we’re supposed to fix things if it’s not working --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that all those beliefs are more like coping mechanisms as a way that humans have tried to create this ‘positive spin’ on the fact that they were essentially stuck together with another person with no way out once they got married, telling themselves there’s some divine reason they’re together or because they’re ‘soulmates’, which again is apparently a ‘match made in heaven’, to essentially talk themselves into believing that being ‘stuck’ in a relationship is a good idea

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if a relationship simply isn’t aligned with who I am then there’s no point in continuing it or let alone wasting precious time and energy on trying to ‘make it work’ --- cause a relationship is supposed to make me more effective, rather than doing the opposite, providing obstacle after obstacle which then has to be ‘overcome’ and ‘fixed’ where I end up focusing more on constantly trying to ‘fix the issues’ in my life than on actually moving forward and expressing with focus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel scared of starting over and to have accepted and allowed myself to use marriage and my relationship as some kind of comfort blanket and something I’m trying to hold on to, to stave off this fear of starting over alone

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and project these fears as worst case scenarios in my mind of what will or might happen if I get divorced – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have no idea what the future holds and what it ‘will be like’ and that I’ll have to take it one step at a time --- which doesn’t mean I wont get to ‘live’ and have fun and enjoy myself and express and be me

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically scare myself into thinking and believing that marriage and staying in an ineffective relationship is a better idea, by going into this worst case scenario thinking pattern/personality wherein I seem to assume that ‘everything will be horrible’ or that I simply don’t have the capability or capacity to deal with and handle these real-life kind of situations of having to live and deal with the system and society in a different way --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in a way that’s part of the programming where I am terrified of ‘not being in a relationship’ which then serves as motivator to justify ineffective relationships --- because apparently relationships/marriage is this ‘cocoon’ that protects one from ‘the system’ and the world, instead of realizing and seeing and understanding that at this point I have barely gotten to know ‘me’ outside of this ‘cocoon’ throughout my life so I honestly can’t tell how I’d ‘deal’, who knows I might be completely bad-ass at it

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have trust and confidence in myself when it comes to ‘being alone in the system’ and to see, realize and understand that any fears or negative future projections that I have are a lie because I have barely ever truly been alone before so I can’t even know myself  and know my capabilities

 

 

So I see, realize and understand that any reactions I’m having to the concept of ‘divorce’ are more like preprogrammed reactions based on ‘stigmas’ connected to religious programming as well as coming from fears in relation to ‘being alone’ and being a ‘single woman’ in the world system, wherein I am not seeing ‘me’ because I actually have very little experience with being alone and ‘single’ in this world, especially in Canada, so I honestly can’t know how I would handle or deal with it

 

I commit myself to have trust and faith in myself, rather than having ‘faith’ in these preprogrammed religious beliefs around ‘relationships’ and ‘marriage’ which at the end of the day really just seem to justify and support the world system as this scary demonic thing that we must all exist in fear of basically, and then enter into these relationships based on Stockholm syndrome where we find ‘comfort’ in ‘being stuck’ and where ‘togetherness’ becomes co-dependence and emotional anxiety-based attachment

 

I see and realize and understand that divorce is not a ‘bad’ thing because it actually allows people to start over after toxic/ineffective/harmful relationships, which is a form of grace and mercy

 

So I commit myself to embrace this ‘divorce’ with open arms and to recognize  and accept and embrace it as a chance to ‘start over’ which I realize is not a bad thing but something I should honor and appreciate --- and to just continue to find my way, knowing that this is just a second chapter in my journey of getting to know myself and realizing who I really am as life in this world and how to create effective relationships

Fear of Failure and self-forgiveness - Day 1

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project ‘failure’ onto the future in my mind – and to react to any possible decision that I’m considering with a fear of it ‘failing’ in the future --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this belief in apparent ‘failure’ is something I have inherited from my father as he used to emotionally abuse me by making me feel like I ‘failed’ at things as in that I was not capable of succeeding or being successful and that I was apparently just an ‘idiot’ who made all the wrong decisions and was doing ‘stupid’ things in their life without any capability at being successful at anything

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that that definition of ‘failure’ doesn’t actually exist except for in the mind as a thought and emotional experience, as it is in fact a personality programming of beating up on myself, expecting the worst and having a negative opinion of myself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word failure in and as that negatively charged emotional experience of disappointment – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is a consequence of having grown up in an environment where there were a lot of ‘expectations’ placed and defined as a ‘positive’ point, where ‘disappointment’ as a reaction to apparent ‘failure’ to live up to the expectations was then used as the negative within and as a polarity – in order to keep the child ‘in line’ as in living according to the expectations as ‘wants’ of the parent, as what was defined as a ‘failure’ was all preprogrammed and decided by the expectations and wants of the parents and thus not what the word ‘failure’ actually is

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘failure’ in and as that preprogrammed mind consciousness system where ‘failure’ is defined by the parents expectations and used as a manipulation tactic to keep the child in line with the parents’ wants --- instead of being the self-directive principle of and as the word ‘failure’ and live the word failure as a principle as a living word rather than a word defined in and as energy as the mind consciousness system

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect an emotional experience to the word ‘failure’, where I suddenly feel ‘bad’ about myself and feel disappointed and I feel down on myself and beat up on myself for being an apparent ‘failure’ as in believing that I couldn’t do what I was apparently ‘supposed to’ do as in the expectations that were there for me and now that I did not live up to those expectations, I am apparently ‘inferior’ and worth less than others who apparently DID achieve and live up to the ‘expectations’ –

 

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word failure with an emotional experience of inferiority and a belief that I am ‘less than’ others who were apparently ‘successful’ or who apparently ‘havent failed’ – where I have defined the word failure within and as comparison with others and a belief that there are expectations in separation of myself to be lived up to and if I cannot live up to those apparent expectations then I am a ‘failure’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word failure in and as the belief that there are expectations in separation of myself to be lived up to – instead of seeing realizing and understanding that failure as a living word is when I give up on myself, by for instance trying to live up to other people’s expectations, so the word failure is a reminder to myself to trust myself and honor myself and make sure that I believe in myself and place myself first rather than compare myself to others

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to fail is to give up on myself and to stop trusting and supporting and believing in myself, to stop pushing and moving and motivating myself – and has nothing to do with expectations from other people or expectations in general

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail by not believing in myself and giving up on myself in and as a ‘fear of failure’ as a preprogrammed mind consciousness system

 

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to live the word failure as a living word as a reminder to stand by myself and support myself and not give up on myself

 

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that to ‘fail’ as a living word and principle is in fact the opposite of how ‘failure’ is defined in and as the mind, where the mind defines failure as not being able to live up to expectations in separation with self, while ‘failure’ as a living word would be for instance to try to live up to expectations rather than honoring oneself and living by ones own principles, and to give up oneself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop believing in myself because I believed that I ‘failed’ because I could not live up to certain expectations that I was measuring myself up to – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the real ‘failure’ was that I stopped believing in myself and stopped supporting myself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself by believing that I have already failed as I’ve defined the word failure in and as an energy polarity and an experience of fear

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider allowing this fear of failure to influence me into giving up on myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘failure’ is to give up on myself and that I can only fail if I give up

 

When and as I see myself going into fear of failing as a fear where I project emotional experiences of inferiority, regret, shame and disappointment into the future – then I stop and I breathe, and I see, realize and understand that ‘failure’ is not a negatively charged emotional energy connected with a belief that I ‘havent lived up to expectations’, but failure is in fact the abandonment of myself here and the giving up on myself

 

So I see, realize and understand that it is in fact this point of existing in fear of failure as a future projection that is me living ‘failure’ as I am not trusting, supporting, motivating or believing in myself or doing what’s best for myself HERE but rather trusting these future projections as imaginations in the mind

 

I commit myself to live the word ‘failure’ as a reminder to keep trusting and supporting and believing in myself and a reminder that to fail is to give up on myself

 

I see, realize and understand that failure has nothing to do with ‘expectations’ but has everything to do with my relationship with myself and whether I am honoring myself and what is best for me in my life

 

I commit myself to honor myself and what is best for myself  - to trust myself, support myself and not give up on myself and what is best for me as life in and as the physical in oneness and equality

 

I see, realize and understand that I can only fail if I give up on myself and that the moment I give up on myself, I have failed and that therefore the fear of failing is not an excuse to give up on myself as ‘failure’ is never real unless I give up on myself

 

I commit myself to live success as a living word and principle of not giving up on myself and not allowing myself to ‘fail’

 

I see, realize and understand that success is not about living up to expectations in separation of myself but is about honoring myself and being true to myself and supporting myself unconditionally within anything and everything I do in my life and never giving up on myself and on supporting myself

 

I commit myself to live the word ‘success’ as the principle of not giving up on myself as life in and as the physical in and as oneness and equality – not allowing myself to fail, which is to give up on myself – and to commit myself to support, motivate and move myself unconditionally, not allowing anything to influence me to ‘give up’

Intense pelvic pains - A QCK perspective

ever since becoming a mom, my menstruation pains have been increasing in intensity, where I sometimes get these really sharp deep lower pelvic pains. The latest one prompted me to look into the point in terms of investigating the mind and body relationship and what of the mind is in fact manifested in and as this particular pain, so that I can assist and support myself to release the pain through releasing and changing the mind point.

 

What I found is that the point that is there is this strange ‘suppression of care’, and is part of my overall design of ‘not accepting myself’. My ‘care’ and how I live it is very much in a ‘hidden’ kind of way, as in very mental/emotional. So instead of living care as a self-expression on a physically lived level, it’s all just energy reactions and thoughts in the mind – which isn’t even real care at all, it’s just worry/fear/anxiety.

 

So this pain is another pain related to self-acceptance that is pushing me to honor and live and accept myself on a physical level, within living the word ‘care’ for instance in this case – rather than staying ‘introverted’ within emotions and thoughts where I am not in fact living the thing that I think and believe I am living(like ‘care’).

 

Here it is thus also important to investigate “why am I not accepting and allowing myself to live the word care on a physical level?” and “why did I decide to only live the emotional/mental version of apparent ‘care’, which isn’t actually care at all?”

 

I seem to remember that when I was younger I was quite keen on caring for my little brother or my dolls or other children. I had no trouble expressing my desire to ‘care’, to be a ‘mommy’ and have someone/something to care for. So what was it then that caused me to no longer cherish, accept and express this ability and desire to care that is clearly very much there?

 

What comes up is an experience of awkwardness around how I expressed my care, where I felt like I ‘wasn’t supposed to’ care for my brother as I was not actually his ‘mommy’, even though I wanted to play mommy. I wanted to help out and care for my brother the way my mother cared for him. I don’t necessarily have any memories that come up of being told not to, I just have this ‘awkward’ experience as a reservedness connected with a thought and a belief that “I mustn’t care for my brother because he is HER child, not MINE”, as though I overstepped a boundary somewhere expressing something that I wasn’t righteously allowed to express, based on boundaries like ‘what’s mine’ and ‘what’s not mine’.

 

There is an assertiveness within the expression of ‘care’ that I have been holding back throughout most of my life as I’ve believed that it’s only reserved for those who have the ‘authority’ and therefore the ‘permission’ to express and embody that assertiveness. I as a child, as what I’ve been for most of my life, did not sense I had any such ‘authority’, as I was not a ‘mother’ or ‘teacher’ or otherwise had no ‘position of authority or leadership’, and so I believed it was not my place to express any such ‘assertive care’ that I clearly did WANT to express.

 

What is interesting is that even now that I do ‘have a child’ and ‘am a mother’, I am still holding back in being assertive and expressing my care as there is still a part of me that feels as though it’s not ‘permitted’. So it seems that I have created a belief/judgment that to express care(in that assertive way) is ‘wrong’ as it’s not ‘my right’ to express. With that also creating a belief that ‘care’ should therefore be an ‘internal’ kind of thing. Something I can only experience on a mental/emotional/feeling level – through for instance experiencing excessive worry/anxiety/fear. There is then also a belief that ‘care’ is defined to be this feeling experience that I feel for instance when I think about my daughter. So care has not been understood to be what it is as a living expression/word in the physical, as it has been defined in and as emotions and feelings which thus have been having an impact on the physical body and at this point are causing physical pain.

 

So the solution here then being to redefine care and start living it on an physical level. So what would it be to live care on a physical level? For one thing it would be to not ‘over-specialize’ through excessive thinking – where I am funneling all of my attention and energy onto one person within my constant incessant emotional worrying about my daughter(even when there isn’t necessarily anything ‘wrong’ with her per se). It would be to rather place my attention where it is needed, those in this world who do need more support and care and attention, because there are many. To recognize that my efforts and impact extent much further than my own family and that ‘my world’ isn’t just these few people in my life but extends to all the beings whose lives are touched by my actions.

 

That is just what comes up right now as an initial assessment or definition of the word care as a physical expression rather than a feeling/emotion. Although that then again brings up the fear or the resistance/reservation in relation to that point of asserting/expressing care. So that is then the pertinent point to take on with self-forgiveness in order to properly direct an effective living of care – to not remain stuck for the rest of my life in this strange point of fear that would cause me to become ‘introverted’ and turn ‘care’ into a feeling/emotion rather than an expression.

 

For this blog I will leave it up to here, just to share the gist of how I work with these kind of physical points that crop up in the form of sudden pains. The self-forgiveness I’ll be walking I can share in a later blog for interest sake.

 

I work with identifying the mind/body relationship professionally as a Quantum Change Kinesiologist and walk with individuals as support. This blog is an example of the process that is walked to identify and properly direct a mind/body point, through and from the starting point of for instance a physical pain that’s experienced. Please reach out for perspective and support through https://www.facebook.com/quantumchangekinesiology or Facebook Messenger.

learning to support yourself - what is emotional self-support?

So self-support, is to be there for myself emotionally. To recognize what I am going through from moment to moment and to ‘allow’ myself to feel and recognize and honor what I am going through. Honor as in to just not suppress or glance over or think and assume I am supposed to be ‘fine’ or have these expectations of myself in terms of how I’m supposed to be experiencing myself within any given situation.

 

I have been feeling very ‘unsupported’ lately. ‘Support’ is a word that’s kept coming up in my mind, these backchat that “I don’t have support”, “I am not being supported”, “I feel so unsupported”, etcetera. Chalking it up to the situation and the things that have been happening and/or the things people have been doing, I didn’t ever really stop to look at whether I am living support as a living word and what that would practically entail to live support. Until last night where I was again feeling ‘sooo unsupported’ and ‘at my wit’s end’ and emotionally distraught, I finally decided to look at what living support even means as I realized that if I am feeling like I am lacking in support that must mean I am not living support myself somehow.

 

First thing that came up when I looked into “what does it mean to live support”, was to look at how can I be of support to others. That, maybe I am just not being supportive enough for those around me and maybe I just need to be giving as I’d like to receive more. Although to be honest, what occurred to me was, how can I appropriately support others if I don’t really know how to support myself first, so maybe I need to look closer to home first.

 

One area where I realized I have not been very supportive with myself is emotionally. I often feel emotionally strained and am often looking for someone to be able to talk to, someone to understand, or am looking towards the people in my life to ‘understand’ what I am going through and offer some form of emotional support, often ending up feeling emotionally exhausted, neglected, rejected and abandoned as I don’t seem to be getting this ‘understanding’ anywhere I look.

 

Throughout my life in general I have been very bad at even recognizing and being honest with myself about my own emotions and what I am going through or am feeling. I have made it a habit to down-right ignore, suppress and deny many of the emotions and feelings I was going through and experiencing from moment to moment, trying to fit into or live up to some kind of ‘ideal’ or ‘standard’ of what and who I believed I must be. Like I must be more aloof or appear more confident, not have so many insecurities, not have any ‘weaknesses’ (as I believed they were). Basically I must not feel anything lol. But yet, I felt SO MANY THINGS.

 

I often did feel moments of shame or embarrassment as a result of suppressing, hiding and denying my feelings, when they did manage to seep through the cracks somehow. Another message I was sending myself that apparently “I am not supposed to feel these things that I am feeling”. So long story short, my emotions and feelings have always been a blind spot for me because I have so conditioned myself to ignore, suppress and deny them. Leaving me now to oftentimes feel like I am ‘drowning’ in times when my external reality gets a bit challenging, as I have never learned how to be there for myself emotionally. So I will just throw myself off the deep end or allow myself to work myself up emotionally until I feel completely exhausted, stressed out, lost and overwhelmed and just don’t know what to do with myself anymore because I am struggling so much with my own emotional state.

 

I’ve never learned to recognize what I’m actually going through in moments and how to give myself space to go through and feel the things I am genuinely feeling, so the stress and ‘emotional exhaustion’ I end up experiencing is really just a consequence of my suppression and neglect of what is really going on within myself. A consequence of not being there for myself as ‘emotional support’ from moment to moment. So emotional support is basically just saying “hey, it’s ok what you’re feeling right now” to myself. Hold myself, embrace myself, hold space for myself and whatever I am feeling and going through – not any of it is bad.

 

There’s a lot more to go into as to why I developed this particular personality design or mind system of suppressing/denying my emotions and feelings. Why I developed this strange belief and decision that me feeling and experiencing anything by way of emotions and feelings is apparently ‘bad’ and cannot be accepted. But that’s something to go into in another post…

 

 

Thank you for reading.

 

 

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