Living Appreciation

This is a continuation of my previous post "Living in the System"

With living and creating a Safe Haven for and as myself, a word that has come up is ‘appreciation’. To live the word ‘appreciation’, as a sort of building block to build my ‘safe haven’. This word actually came up within looking at how to create and live that Safe Haven on a physical level, in my world and reality. And I realized that I actually have had a tendency to ‘take things for granted’ when it comes to my physical environment. Or to be rather overly possessive and obsessive within trying to ‘hold on to’ the things that I value in my life, but then within that I end up actually neglecting these things believe it or not.

I neglect to really consider and be sensitive to what these things really need. It’s kind of like holding and squeezing a pet canary so tightly that it dies, when all you were trying to do was just protect it or keep it safe. Where you weren’t actually sensitive to the real needs of that canary. So I realized I need to learn to APPRECIATE things, rather than having this possessive/obsessive relationship. Kind of in the principle of ‘if you love something, let it go’. Or more ‘if you love something, let it be’.

Cause an interesting thing that happens when you start obsessing over what you ‘love’, is that you actually become consumed with a fear of losing it and you stop seeing or recognizing or APPRECIATING what it really is that you love about it in the first place. With ‘appreciation’, you more take a step back and rather than being sort of ‘lost’ in this belief that ‘OMG I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE AND I CANNOT LOSE IT AND MUST HOLD ON TO IT NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES!’, you more just ‘take it in’. As though you’re standing on a mountain side after a tough climb and you have a chance to look over the landscape and you sort of ‘take in’ the scenery, within an appreciation for being able to stand there and see it all.

It’s to sort of be ‘grateful’ of the things in my life. Yet, with appreciation, there’s also a dimension of ‘giving back’. Like, not just being grateful for what I ‘have’, but also realizing that in order to ‘keep’ or ‘maintain’ what I have, I must ‘give back’. I must care and support and consider and be sensitive to what my environment actually needs and requires. In fact, I must EQUALLY care, support, consider and be sensitive to my environment as I am to myself.

So, I’ve been looking at HOW to practically live this word appreciation. Like, I’ve got it down in ‘theory’ and in its ‘definition’ but there has to be an equal living of it within and as the physical. How can I live moments of appreciation in my physical world and reality?

I mean, something that immediately comes up is that I can be more ‘physically affectionate’ with Paul for instance, or with our two cats Suki and Vincent. To just give them a bit more attention throughout the day. I can look into the point of ‘giving’ in general and just ask myself how I can ‘give back’, or what I can ‘give’. Which also means that I’d have to start getting more in tune with what the people and the beings around me actually ‘need’ and ‘require’. Which, admittedly, is not something I tend to look at generally speaking.

In fact I’d say it’s a ‘muscle’ I haven’t ever flexed or used really. I’m so used to actually more just thinking about myself and the things I want, need and desire. So I guess that just means it’ll be a ‘challenge’ to, in moments, look at what I could ‘give’ to my environment and shift that focus from ‘what I want/need/desire’ to ‘what can I give?’ and ‘how can I support?’

Overwhelmed with Self-judgment

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Capitalist Mind-Set"

Every once in a while there’ll be this point coming up in my mind of like thinking that I’ve been replaced in process and then I’ll suddenly feel just very ‘down’ on myself and actually even go into this downward spiral of thinking where I just perceive myself as this complete ‘failure’. As ‘unworthy’ to even exist because I’ve apparently ‘failed’ in my ‘purpose’. Because yes I wouldn’t say my process so far has been ‘smooth sailing’ or hasn’t been like a straight line of consistent application. Even though yes I’ve always ‘been there’, walking with Desteni, I’ve abdicated responsibility on points, gone into ‘revenge of the ego’ and sort of turned a blind eye to specific ‘positive’ experiences that I was participating in.

And it’s like in that one moment, ALL the judgment in my mind comes up and just floods over me and I feel just overwhelmed with self-judgment, self-doubt, and self-rejection. Absolutely convinced that yes I am ‘unworthy’ because oh look at all the ways in which I am not who and how I believe I should be right now.

So clearly I am not having much ‘appreciation’ for myself. More looking at all the ‘bad’ and using that to define me, rather than looking at how to simply support myself. And also not having much appreciation for others as I use other people to compare myself and compete, and subsequently apparently ‘failing’, rather than simply appreciating what I can learn from people and how I can use others within who and how they are, to learn and grow and change and become a better person.

So kind of stepping out of that ‘competitive’ mind-set wherein life actually sort of feels like a war-zone and it’s ‘every man for himself’ and it’s ‘do or die’ and you ‘can’t fall behind’ and ‘gotta keep up’ and everybody around you is basically your enemy. And where it’s like you only get one shot and either you get it right or you fail and die a failure. Where there’s basically no such thing as ‘support’ or ‘compassion’ or ‘cooperation’. And you feel like you’re just a lone soldier standing alone and isolated on a cold battlefield.

But that’s the mind. The mind is all about that life. All about competition and comparison and a ‘fight to the death’. And it’s a challenge to change that to how things could be and to what is actually best for all.  Which is to exits in simply an appreciation of life. And within that appreciation, you get to learn from others and so grow and change and become better, through others. Where in fact there’s only the principle of ‘none are free until all are free’, and so you work together, learn from each other, support each other and take care of each other and you stand in ONENESS and EQUALITY.