Who am I as a COACH?

This is a continuation of my previous blog "The Origin of Stupidity"

With having a look today at the word ‘coach’, as in being a ‘life coach’ or in my case a ‘SELF coach’, what initially came up for me is that to be a coach is to assist and support other people with living words and basically like ‘setting goals’ and reaching those goals. But then I realized, with the support of life coach Joe Kou and Maite Zamora Moreno from Space of Grace, that I was missing the most important factor within that definition: me.

And it’s a theme within my life, in how I define and approach things. That I tend to disregard myself within things and more look at who and what and how I must be for ‘other people’ and ‘the world out there’. That I for example don’t take a word like ‘coach’ and ask myself how I can live the word FOR ME. Not for others, but for and as me.

Only when I considered this, and looked at the word again, did I realize that actually how I want to live the word COACH is within simply creating and holding a ‘space’ for myself, and others as myself, to RELAX. To unconditionally be able to let go of everything of this world. Everything of what and who and how you believe you ‘have to’ be, and have, if even just one moment to just let it all go and relax and connect with yourself. Cause at the end of the day that is what actually matters. That’s what’s really important and that’s essentially what my coaching is all about anyways. To be who you really are, which starts with letting go of everything that you’re not. With relaxing and letting go and having that ‘space’ or ‘safe haven’ to just ‘be’.

That definition makes a lot more sense to me, and includes what I actually stand for and who I am and what’s important to me, and what I thus also want to ‘transfer’ or support others with, similarly to how I’m supporting myself with it. As I also realized that I must be my own coach first and foremost. Give myself that space to unconditionally relax and let go of everything that is of the ‘system’. All the fears and stress and worries and ‘have to’s’ and expectations and obligations. Give myself just moments of allowing myself to just ‘be’, and connect with who I really am inside. Moments which will over time accumulate and build into eventually being able to always just ‘be’, and be constantly ‘relaxed’.

So I guess in a way to be a ‘coach’ is like being a ‘couch’. A place where you can sit down for a moment, get comfortable, relax, sink into it, let go, have just that moment of relaxation and knowing that ‘everything is alright’ and it’s safe to just get comfortable and let go. Or even also like ‘flying coach’, in terms of just focusing on the ‘basics’, and not bothering with all the ‘excess’ stuff within and of the mind. Like all the thoughts and stress and fears and worries, etcetera. But just getting down to the ‘basics’ of who you actually really are underneath it all, when you let go of everything you believe you have to be.

Living Appreciation

This is a continuation of my previous post "Living in the System"

With living and creating a Safe Haven for and as myself, a word that has come up is ‘appreciation’. To live the word ‘appreciation’, as a sort of building block to build my ‘safe haven’. This word actually came up within looking at how to create and live that Safe Haven on a physical level, in my world and reality. And I realized that I actually have had a tendency to ‘take things for granted’ when it comes to my physical environment. Or to be rather overly possessive and obsessive within trying to ‘hold on to’ the things that I value in my life, but then within that I end up actually neglecting these things believe it or not.

I neglect to really consider and be sensitive to what these things really need. It’s kind of like holding and squeezing a pet canary so tightly that it dies, when all you were trying to do was just protect it or keep it safe. Where you weren’t actually sensitive to the real needs of that canary. So I realized I need to learn to APPRECIATE things, rather than having this possessive/obsessive relationship. Kind of in the principle of ‘if you love something, let it go’. Or more ‘if you love something, let it be’.

Cause an interesting thing that happens when you start obsessing over what you ‘love’, is that you actually become consumed with a fear of losing it and you stop seeing or recognizing or APPRECIATING what it really is that you love about it in the first place. With ‘appreciation’, you more take a step back and rather than being sort of ‘lost’ in this belief that ‘OMG I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE AND I CANNOT LOSE IT AND MUST HOLD ON TO IT NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES!’, you more just ‘take it in’. As though you’re standing on a mountain side after a tough climb and you have a chance to look over the landscape and you sort of ‘take in’ the scenery, within an appreciation for being able to stand there and see it all.

It’s to sort of be ‘grateful’ of the things in my life. Yet, with appreciation, there’s also a dimension of ‘giving back’. Like, not just being grateful for what I ‘have’, but also realizing that in order to ‘keep’ or ‘maintain’ what I have, I must ‘give back’. I must care and support and consider and be sensitive to what my environment actually needs and requires. In fact, I must EQUALLY care, support, consider and be sensitive to my environment as I am to myself.

So, I’ve been looking at HOW to practically live this word appreciation. Like, I’ve got it down in ‘theory’ and in its ‘definition’ but there has to be an equal living of it within and as the physical. How can I live moments of appreciation in my physical world and reality?

I mean, something that immediately comes up is that I can be more ‘physically affectionate’ with Paul for instance, or with our two cats Suki and Vincent. To just give them a bit more attention throughout the day. I can look into the point of ‘giving’ in general and just ask myself how I can ‘give back’, or what I can ‘give’. Which also means that I’d have to start getting more in tune with what the people and the beings around me actually ‘need’ and ‘require’. Which, admittedly, is not something I tend to look at generally speaking.

In fact I’d say it’s a ‘muscle’ I haven’t ever flexed or used really. I’m so used to actually more just thinking about myself and the things I want, need and desire. So I guess that just means it’ll be a ‘challenge’ to, in moments, look at what I could ‘give’ to my environment and shift that focus from ‘what I want/need/desire’ to ‘what can I give?’ and ‘how can I support?’

What is real Assertiveness?

  This is a continuation of my previous blog "Living words: Hope and Hopeless"


I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to basically align everything i do on my life with my purpose and goal of changing the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define certain things that i do in my life as points of 'self-interest' which apparently have nothing to do with my actual purpose and goal in life and so are like points wherein i kind of abandon myself  and things i in a way do behind my own back -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that its not even really about not doing those things anymore, it's about redefining them in terms of aligning them with my purpose and goal, where everything I do is in the name of my purpose and goal of changing the world - and where i thus dont in any way exist in separation of my purpose and goal

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to actually place my goal and purpose in life as my 'why' front and center and so align my entire life and everything i am and do with my 'why'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my 'why' by actually believing that I dont have any power in this world -- and so kind of giving up on myself and my ability to basically take charge and direction of my life and myself in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as disempowered and to therein give up on myself and my assertiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define power in separation of myself as something that you have 'over' other beings -- and to therein conclude that i have no power over other beings so therefore i must be 'disempowered' -- instead of living power as a living word as basically bringing myself to the point within myself wherein i am not in any way 'tied' to anything in and of this world and wherein i exist alone as that is my point of real 'power'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that power is not related to 'other people'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that that's more how I learned to define power, as in being able to somehow 'force' others to move in a certain way or direction - wherein I've defined power in separation of myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to thus define power in and as a polarity wherein i end up defining myself as 'disempowered' because it turns out that I dont have the ability to force others  to do anything

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that real power actually exists within understanding -- and that if anything 'force' as in trying to 'force' others to do things, more comes from a lack of understanding of reality and so also a sense of disempowerment where i just try to 'override' my disempowerment by using 'force' in trying to direct people and reality  --- whereas real power is to actually have insight and understanding of reality in a way where I can assess and see what needs to be done or what CAN be done to create an outcome that is best for all --- as the experience of disempowerment more comes up whenever there is a lack of understanding and insight of how things work, where one then tries to compensate by using FORCE, like how parents will punish their children and use FORCE to get the child to do their bidding, because they actually don't have a real understanding or insight into what makes the child exist in the way that it does or what really motivates this world and reality and what cause the child to sometimes 'act out' or 'rebel' or 'misbehave'

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I feel disempowered in this world because i have defined 'power' as 'force', in terms of 'forcing' reality to go the way i want it to - and since I lack that 'force' or that ability I thus conclude that I am disempowered -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that real power is not about 'force' but is about having a thorough understanding of and insight into reality where i then have the ability to see what CAN be done and which direction can be given to reality in a practical way to create an outcome that is best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word power by defining it in and as an energy polarity with the word disempowerment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live assertiveness as basically 'taking charge' and aligning and directing my life and myself with my goal and purpose, by defining 'power' within and as the ability to 'force' reality into a specific direction and to therefore feel and define myself as disempowered in relation to reality as i do not have that ability

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that to live the word POWER is to gather understanding of and insight into reality and to therein develop the ability to see solutions and see the direction one is able to go into and how one is able to give direction to things without the use of 'force' -- and that thus to live ASSERTIVENESS is to first and foremost empower myself through working on UNDERSTANDING my world and reality and so developing the understanding and insight I need to be able to see how I can practically direct myself and my reality to accomplish and achieve my purpose and goal in this world

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it's just a matter of understanding my world and reality better and so understanding and seeing what 'power' as in ability to direct my world and reality to achieve a specific goal or purpose I actually have -- rather than basically just staring at my goal and purpose and then looking at reality and then feeling disempowered because I just don't see a way to get things to go towards that goal/purpose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'power' within and as essentially 'stupidity' as in just having the ability to direct things -- rather than seeing and realizing and understanding that i am leaving out a very important part which is that I first need UNDERSTANDING of and INSIGHT into reality in order to then have the ABILITY to give direction to reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word disempowerment by basically having left out this important part of the definition of power

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that when I am not being assertive, I just need to have a look at where and how within myself am i accepting myself as 'disempowered' -- and so where and how am I not working on UNDERSTANDING my world and reality, but rather am expecting myself to just achieve or accomplish specific goals or a specific purpose without first having an understanding of things, thus then allowing myself to 'give up' on myself and on my goal and purpose within and as the belief that 'i am simply not able to'

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to live power and empowerment, by taking the goal and purpose that I want to live and achieve, and humbling myself and sort of making myself very 'small' so that I can really 'take in' and see and consider all of reality and so i can from there see the direction to go into that will have the best outcome -- rather than just being a bulldozer  and thinking and believing that 'empowerment' is just about getting to that goal or purpose without necessarily having any understanding or insight

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I have such a hard time being assertive and so easily go into 'disempowerment', because I have a tendency to approach things like a bulldozer, where I see my goal and purpose and I just want to go straight towards it without in any way even understanding what's required to get there or how reality actually works -- which then causes me to feel like I just can't get there and i just can't do it and 'dont have the power to do it' and to then give up and accept myself as disempowered to do anything --- rather than actually doing the opposite and sort of approaching things 'cautiously', and making myself small and humble so that I can first sort of observe my reality and develop an understanding of how my reality works and exists, which is how i then empower myself to be able to see how I can practically DIRECT and ASSERT myself and my reality, to eventually achieve and manifest the goal and purpose

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I have such a hard time being assertive because I actually approach my goals and purpose from the starting point of EGO as the illusion of POWER as in 'forcing my way to my goal and purpose' - and where I then often end up just 'giving up' on my goal and purpose as basically the stance of the 'loser' as I see and realize that I simply do not have that kind of 'power' as in i do not have the ability to just 'force' my way to the goal and purpose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach my goals and purpose from the starting point of ego as the illusion of power  as in trying to force my way to achieving my goal and purpose without any real understanding or insight into my world and reality -- and to therein then create the point of disempowerment as giving up within myself --- instead of approaching reality from a starting point of humbleness

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be humble when it comes to reality, by having this mentality of just wanting to be able to get to my goal HERE AND NOW and basically have and get what I want NOW NOW NOW -- and so not really consider the actual work and effort and time and patience that it takes for me to practically get myself there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this mentality and starting point of expecting to have and get what I want IMMEDIATELY as instant satisfaction and gratification as the starting point of EGO rather than considering the actual real-time reality-based effort that it will take to practically get to and give myself and create what it is that I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the programming of essentially the 'spoiled child' who is used to being handed everything on a golden platter and who is used to getting and having everything it wants instantly and immediately and who is not used to having to put in work and effort to create and get to the things that she wants

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that my pattern with regards to my goals and purpose has always been that I basically take my goal and purpose and expect to have and get it IMMEDIATELY, and then i get frustrated that I don't or can't have it IMMEDIATELY and then I go into a point of disempowerment and giving up -- because I'm not giving myself the space and time to actually get myself to my goal and purpose in a practical way, nor am I even realizing that to get to my goal and purpose it is going to take time and effort and it will not be immediate, and most of all it is going to take me to take a step back within myself and humble myself in relation to reality and essentially in a way let go of my goal and purpose so that I can first and foremost understand my world and reality and then align myself with reality as it is and then direct reality towards the goal and purpose --- where I essentially need to stop being so 'pushy'

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I need to stop placing my trust in the images and imaginations of my 'goal' and 'purpose' as the things that I 'want', and more just let go and breathe and take a step back so that I can unconditionally have a look at reality as it is, without trying to 'force' anything - and first sort of let reality be what it is without having any expectations or 'wants' -- so that I can first develop an understanding of how things work and exist and what would actually be best in fact and how I could actually practically, effectively direct reality in a way that will have the best outcome

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to just let go of the images and imaginations in my mind of the things that I 'want' as my 'goals' and my 'purpose', and to just unconditionally approach reality, without having any expectations or wants, so that I can first UNDERSTAND reality and am able to see how reality is best directed --- which does not require any 'force' or pushiness or expectations or wants, but is rather actually a process of letting go and sort of allowing reality to 'be' what it is without interfering in any way, and then only stepping in once i clearly see what direction would be best

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to just let reality be what it is so that I can first and foremost actually see it for and as what it is and how it actually exists -- without having any expectations or wants --- seeing and realizing and understanding that this is the only way to actually be able to direct reality in a way that is best

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be humble as in to let go of my wants and expectations in relation to MY goals and purpose and 'what I want to create' and what I personally think is important and what I believe I should have and get and what I believe reality should be, and so to just let reality be what it is without having any wants or expectations of it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that humbleness is the only way to actually see and understand reality as it is and be able to in any practical, real way give direction to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as essentially the point of placing my EGO  as MY WANTS and EXPECTATIONS and DESIRES and MY GOALS and PURPOSE over reality - and essentially saying that what I want and desire is more important than reality itself -- instead of unconditionally letting go of my wants and expectations and desires and so not having any expectations or wants or desires in relation to reality -- so that I can actually be able to see what would in fact be the best way to direct reality to create the best outcome for reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to place reality before myself by having NO expectations or personal wants or desires in relation to reality and so actually simply seeing reality as it exists so as to direct it in a way that will create the best outcome for reality --- where it isn't about 'me' and what I want for myself or what I personally imagine or envision reality to be, but it's about what is ACTUALLY best for reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the ego of the mind as the belief that reality is about ME and about the things that I want and the things that I imagine reality to be -- wherein i basically take on a stance of trying to FORCE reality into a certain direction based on what I want and expect and desire and so don't actually consider what is best for reality itself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even have an ego to begin with, as these personal wants and needs and desires and expectations which are not in alignment with what is best for reality -- but wherein i basically exist in this secluded and separated space inside the mind, only seeing or considering reality from the starting point of what I want as my 'self-interest'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider existing in separation of reality, within and as the ego of the mind, and having these wants, needs and desires which I believe are more important than reality itself -- and where I actually only see reality as a means to get my wants, needs and desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my wants, needs and desires are more important than reality itself -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that reality is all that matters because at the end of the day reality is what provides for me, so if I do not honor and support reality, then I'm basically also sabotaging myself from being able to actually get the things I want and need

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it's by placing reality first and honoring reality before myself - that i actually simultaneously give myself the things that I want and need

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so selfish and self-involved and greedy and inconsiderate that I would not even consider reality at all and that i would actually believe that my personal wants and needs are more important than reality itself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the point of 'greed' to exist within myself as the point of basically only considering my personal wants and needs and placing those over and before reality - rather than honoring and placing reality before myself and realizing that reality is more important than myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to basically consider ANYTHING before myself -- and to always place myself as my wants and needs before everything

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to consider that reality is more important than 'me' -- and that I need to support and care for and look after reality first and foremost, before myself and before any personal wants and needs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically be so consumed with greed that i've never even recognized that reality even 'exists' as I was always only focused on and consumed with my wants and needs

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to even see or realize that reality even exists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as self-interest as this point of not even recognizing or realizing that reality exists as I place my wants and needs before everything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is who I really am, that I simply am consumed by self-interest and that's just 'who I am' and what defines me -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that I've actually just forgotten who I really am as life - because who I really am is humbleness as placing reality before myself and having no wants or needs but rather caring for reality before myself and recognizing that reality is more important than 'me'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it's basically just become a 'habit' and an 'addiction' to always only consider and think about my wants and needs before everything, rather than letting go of 'myself' and placing reality first

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to exist and stand in and as a constant 'letting go' of myself as personal wants and needs in every moment -- and so basically not allowing a 'me' to exist, where only 'reality' exists and I simply exist in the service of reality

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to, instead of asking myself 'what do I want', asking myself 'what does reality need' - and so simply not having any 'personal wants and needs'



When and as i feel like I'm just participating in 'self-interest' and that what I am doing is not aligned with my goal and purpose  -- then I stop and I breathe, and I see and realize and understand that this experience is a consequence of having an approach to reality wherein I only consider 'what I want' as 'MY goal/purpose' rather than placing reality first and actually considering what is best for reality

I see and realize and understand that within this self-interested approach to reality I basically exist within a point of 'pushiness' and 'forcefulness', as I'm trying to get reality to be as I imagine and want and expect it to be

and I see and realize and understand that I am therein not doing what is best for reality as I'm not placing reality first

I see and realize and understand that I've basically all my life existed in and as this point of placing self-interest before and above reality and seeing and perceiving reality purely as a means to get and have my self-interest

I see and realize and understand that this is however not who I really am and that who I really am is humbleness as unconditionally letting go of any point of self-interest as personal wants, needs and desires and placing reality and the care and support and consideration of reality before myself

I see and realize and understand that any issues I have with being 'assertive' in my life is because within my approach to reality I place self-interest first as what I personally want need and desire rather than placing reality first in terms of what's actually best for reality

I see and realize and understand that within this approach of self-interest to reality I tend to not actually consider what it actually practically takes to get to a specific goal or live a specific purpose as I only consider what I WANT and NEED and EXPECT from reality

and so i see and realize and understand that I therefore also easily will go into feeling disempowered and then giving up and so will not be assertive

I see and realize and understand that being assertive actually comes from and is based on letting go of my personal wants and needs and expectations so I can see and observe reality as it actually is without any personal interference and so understand how reality actually works and exists and what's actually required to be able to direct reality towards the best outcome for reality

I see and realize and understand that to be assertive I must thus RELAX as in unconditionally let go of any personal wants, needs, desires or expectations  and so essentially just let things be -- so that I can then start seeing my ACTUAL role within reality as in my actual purpose and 'power' to direct reality in a way that's best for reality

I see and realize and understand that thus real POWER is to stand in and as a point of understanding and to SEE how I can practically and effectively direct reality in a way that is best -- and so is not in any way a point of forcefulness or pushiness and has nothing to do with 'what I want'

I commit myself to live the word POWER through actually RELAXING and unconditionally letting go of any points of self-interest as personal wants, needs and desires - and so to simply let reality be what it is so I can see what is actually needed and required of me to direct reality in a way that is best for reality

I commit myself to live the word HUMBLENESS as the point of letting go of personal wants and needs and desires and placing reality before myself and existing in the service of reality, rather than placing my wants, needs and desires before reality

I commit myself to place reality before myself and to live and exist in the service of reality - supporting and caring for reality before myself and essentially being a 'vessel' or a 'catalyst' for reality to realize itself as life in and as the physical and exist in a way that is best for itself, which I see, realize and understand includes ME

I commit myself to step into my ACTUAL role and purpose within reality, by letting go of self-interest as personal wants, needs and desires - and basically just allowing reality to just be what it is so that I can see clearly what is actually required of me by reality --- and so not impose my wants needs or desires onto reality

I commit myself to live the word ASSERTIVE by basically allowing reality to show me what is needed and required of me rather than me trying to impose my wants, needs and desires onto it

I commit myself to thus take a step back within myself, letting go of any points of self-interest as my wants, needs and desires, and allowing reality to be what it is without me in any way imposing anything onto it, so that I can see how I can contribute and direct reality in a way that is best for reality

I commit myself to basically mainly just work on RELAXING, as I see and realize and understand that this is essentially my main point -- to let go of my 'involvement' in reality, letting go of my 'personal interests' and my 'vested interests' in reality, and really learn to just unconditionally LET GO -- so that I can stand purely in the service of reality without constantly being stimulated or guided by personal wants, needs and desires as self-interest --- where I need to learn to in every moment essentially completely let go of everything that is 'me' and stand completely 'clear' before reality so I can be a 'vessel' and 'catalyst' for reality -- directed and moved not by self-interest but by life and reality itself  -- truly doing what is best for reality

The Unwillingness to Give up on Something

This is a continuation of my previous post "I am a Pushover"

So when it comes to 'self-honesty', it's an interesting thing. Because, you'll only be 'self-honest' within the bounds of what you're 'willing' to be 'self-honest' about. There are things that you just won't want to 'touch'. Things that are so fueled by 'fear', that you're so afraid of 'losing', that you simply won't 'go there'. And things that are therefore 'veiled' from your own awareness.

Those are the things that make us 'evil'. Our points of 'possession'. Where we 'don't want to let go' of something. And there's a side of us that turns 'demonic' in a sense, as it tries to 'hide' and 'cling to' and 'safeguard' and 'defend', even from ourselves. Because no one, even ourselves, must ever 'touch' this point. Because that is how unwilling we are to 'give it up'.

We just can't even 'fathom' life without that point. It'll be our 'anchoring' point in this world. Like 'the one positive' that we have, and will cling to and defined tooth and nail. So it very much originates from like our 'deepest fear'. A fear we've come to accept and which we 'won't question'. Cause that point of fear is almost what the entirety of 'you' and 'your world' pivots around.

And then there's something that comes into your life and sort of gives you 'exactly what you were looking for'.  Your 'light in the darkness'. Your 'anchor'. Something that makes you feel less lost, makes you feel like you 'belong' and gives you a 'safe haven'. Something you accept as 'good' and therefore will never question the fear that's actually always been behind it.

And it's the things that are 'good' that we don't tend to question. The positive feelings. Cause, reality isn't 'good'. In fact, before this 'good' thing came into our lives, things were mostly 'bad'. And who wants to go back to that? So it takes a RADICAL level of self-honesty to start lifting that 'veil' and to start 'touching' that which would force us to face our deepest fear. To essentially let go of the 'one positive' and sort of plunge into that 'uncertainty' that's been hiding underneath.

When Reality is Unfair

This is a continuation of my previous post "Anything that's Real, We still need to Create"

And it's safe to say that any reactions you have to ANYTHING whatsoever shows you're not taking responsibility and so aren't HERE. And that things are going to have to happen in your world and reality, for you to REALIZE what you're not taking responsibility for.

And it's going to seem 'unfair' and even 'cruel' or 'merciless'. Because, you're doing all the 'right things', and, you are 'doing your best' to 'be a good person'. BUT there's just that 'one point' that you're not quite wanting to be self-honest about. Your one small 'sin', that doesn't seem like a 'sin' to you. And that's why your reality is going to show you.

It is going to take you to the absolute 'worst' point imaginable, to push you to the point where you 'have to' let go. Where you have no choice but to 'give up'. Cause there's just no way left to turn lol. And all you can do at that point is to try and support yourself to have more or less a 'safe landing' lol To apply self-honesty, and self-responsibility, so that you can realize and see what you need in order to direct what you can.

Cause if you're at that point of physical consequence - you're going to crash lol It is happening. You can just keep the plane more or less 'stable' as it's crashing. And make sure you change, in a way you're never going to allow things to get to that point again.

And don't judge yourself. It's gonna be hard enough without you judging yourself for it. Just accept it lol. It's the point you want to be at and get to. So embrace the things you're going through and realizing and understanding as you get to the point of truly 'letting go'.

Forgetting Why we Do what we Do

This is a continuation of my previous post "Are you Changing on a Physical Level?"

A programming that I have lived in my life is that of a 'performing monkey' lol You know one of those monkey's used by street artists where the monkey has to dance or perform some stupid trick - and it does that because that's the only way to get any food from it's owner?

I've been working with my 'desire for recognition' and when I looked at "what's behind this?", that's what I found lol The 'performing monkey' programming. A conditioning to 'perform' in order to 'get what I want and need'. There's a strong 'need to survive' behind it. Like the monkey you see performing tricks. It's not doing that because it likes the attention or it likes to 'show off'. It's doing that because that's what it has to do to survive.

So imagine my surprise upon seeing this programming 'hiding' behind the desire for recognition. Surprise because, clearly I have become the 'performing monkey' to such an extent that I've forgotten all about the fact that it's not actually 'me'. I don't ACTUALLY want the recognition or attention. I'm doing it for survival. That's where it all started. That's why I started doing it.

Imagine the acceptance of oneself as a slave that has to take place for that monkey to actually believe that it's 'enjoying' the attention. Not just acceptance of oneself as a slave but most importantly the overwhelming despair and hopelessness that would drive that monkey to 'forget' it's real reason for doing what it's doing.

It's very sad really. I did not realize I was living such a sad story. A sadness that feels more like a 'pit of despair'.

Will that monkey ever be able to stop performing? Will it ever realize that its 'owner' is long gone so it doesn't have to perform anymore? Will it ever drop the fear of survival and take a chance on life  the way it always should have been?

Well, this monkey is at least starting to realize it's sad, shackled little life that it's been living. And, that's a start isn't it?

Are you Changing on a Physical Level?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Directed, Influenced and Defined by Desires"

Transcending desires really is just a matter of changing habits. To stop yourself from doing those things which you know are coming from a place of 'addiction'. An addiction to a feeling. So it's to just identify when and where and how you go into behaviors that are motivated by a desire for something. And then, like you are a common addict lol, you need to 'cut yourself off'.

When it comes to those desires, I have actually mostly been focusing on the 'internal stuff' - the thoughts and the reactions that come up in my mind. I've been trying to stop that. But actually now I'm realizing that if I don't change the behavioral patterns then I'm not changing anything at all. If anything I'm actually keeping the fact that I'm not actually changing a secret from myself.

Because, in my mind I'm changing! Or at least that's what it looks like. Actually more often than not what happens is that I end up just suppressing the thoughts and reactions so it 'looks like' I am changing. The change that truly matters is in my physical actions.

The physical is where you 'prove' who you are. It's where real self-honesty exists. You can do what you want in your mind. Thinking and believing that 'you've changed' on the inside. But if you're not changing on a physical level then you're just bullshitting yourself. And, the mind happens to be particularly good at that.

That's why focusing more on physical change is always key, to make sure that you're being self-honest. That the change is real. I've just never really done that lol. I've more hidden myself away in the mind. Hiding my own awareness from me, just so that I could continue participating in certain desires while deluding myself that "I'm changing".

I mean at the end of the day the only one you're fooling is yourself. And it's only so long that you can play that game with yourself before you realize you've just been wasting all this time running in circles cause you basically refused to give up on certain desires. I mean, why not just be direct and honest with yourself about who you are and what you're doing. Do you want to give up on these desires, yes or no? Why make it more difficult for yourself by saying 'yeah I want to change' when in reality you're not actually doing what it takes to in fact change?

There's Something Wrong Here...

This is a continuation of my previous post "Bringing the Darkness Here"

Laziness is the suppressed version of self-judgment. So - find the self-judgment, set yourself free from the judgment itself and then you won't need laziness to hide in. Remember, that - the desire that forced you into judgment, and eventual laziness is still your master. Don't judge your master - serve your master, until you are equal to your master and then decide to direct you.

Bernard Poolman

I couldn't make sense of this quote at first. But I knew that laziness has been a big part of my life so I knew that it must apply to me somehow. It's only now, after realizing that I was in fact still very much living that laziness - although I believed I wasn't - that I am understanding what this quote is actually saying and how it applies to me.

Laziness is when there is something that you're not entirely wanting to let go of. A desire you're trying to protect and 'hold on to'. But at the same time you're not being honest with yourself about the fact that you are still holding on to it - so it becomes a point of self-judgment within you. And the self-judgment becomes a self-suppression. Because, you're hiding a part of you, from yourself.

So in a way you start living a 'half-life', since you're only partly 'here'. That suppressed part of you becomes like an anchor that weighs and drags you down. But it's invisible. You're not even noticing that there's something holding you back. I mean you do, but you also don't. You do kind of sense that there's something 'wrong'. There's just 'something', but you can't put your finger on it.

To 'cut through' or 'hack' this laziness point, you just need to pretty much 'come clean' about the point of desire that you've been unwilling to let go of. Be real with yourself that you have not been taking responsibility for a specific part of you because, you simply have not been wanting to. Recognize and see that this point of desire has been and is your 'master'. Maybe it's just a really seriously intense desire and maybe that means that it's going to be a bit more difficult to transcend it. And you may not see how or be able to, at this moment, 'just let go of it'. And that's actually fine. Just for now admit and realize that this desire is your 'master' and that you must serve it. Until you stand equal to it. As in, until it no longer influences you and you are able to move freely without it being there to hold you back.

Being honest with self is always the first - and most important - step towards transcendence.