Tuesday, January 14, 2020
Let me be Bad
This is a continuation of my previous post "I Give up my Self to Fear".
I've always participated in 'emotional manipulation' based on 'moral righteousness' when it comes to my relationships with people. As in, always doing my 'very best' to 'be a good person' and 'do the right thing'. Being the 'perfect wife', the 'perfect friend', the 'perfect daughter', and I'm sure if I had children I'd try to be the 'perfect mother'. 'Perfect' as in, always 'doing my best' to 'do the right thing'. Maybe I'm not actually 'perfect' in fact, but the fact that I 'try my hardest' and essentially give up my 'self' just to try and 'do what's right', sort of gives me a 'moral high-ground'.
I get to now use 'guilt' as 'manipulation', making other people feel like they 'owe me' because of all the things I 'do for them'. Because 'oh look what a good person I am' and 'all I do is just trying my best to do what's right' and 'I just care so much'. When, all I'm ACTUALLY doing, is that I'm just 'giving up myself', for 'relationships'. For 'other people'. And then basically expecting people to do the same for me, using guilt as 'manipulation' to try to make that happen.
I mean this whole 'I'm just trying to do what's right' and 'I'm just trying to be a good person'. It's a personality. It's not who I really am. It's just something that I have 'learned' or 'copied', because I was 'manipulated' in the same way. But it's not actually the 'real me'. I don't actually have to 'care that much' about other people. I don't have to lay down my life and give up my self just to 'do right by people'. I don't have to be a 'good person'. Cause it's all actually just manipulation, to try and get other people to give me what I'm not giving myself. And to try and 'compensate' for the fact that I'm not caring about myself as I'm too busy trying to be everything for everyone else.
Cause in fact, I am not actually 'perfect', or 'good' or 'righteous'. No matter how hard I 'try', there's actually always going to be parts of me that are 'bad' and 'evil'. Parts of myself where I don't actually 'care'. Where I'm not actually 'considerate'. Where I'm actually quite 'selfish' or 'ignorant' or 'self-involved'. And, instead of trying to constantly be 'good', I just need to accept that I'm 'not'. And basically drop the belief that I need to be anything for anyone else, cause that's manipulation.