Get Out of your Head!

this is a continuation of my previous post "The Imprisoned Self-Awareness"

The act of 'thinking'  can give a sense of security. Like oh you're thinking, you must be considering many things and taking much into account, thus apparently creating a 'security' for yourself. The security of 'I've though of everything!' Without thoughts, it's like you're naked. It's just you in the moment and nothing else.

And because thoughts is like this voice in your head, or like something systemic, like a machine, it certainly feels and seems as though it's in some way 'trustworthy'. Like it will 'pull you through' and 'guide the way'. Like a map that knows how to navigate the roads of the world.

But, what are thoughts really? Ideally I suppose, sure, they should be like a map. Something you can 'consult' or use to put things in a certain structure, like creating a map where you bring a bunch of information together and hold it there within a containment so you can look at it all.

But I'm starting to realize that how thoughts exist currently, or rather how I've accepted them to exist within me, is definitely NOT in a way that's supportive or 'guiding' or even useful. If anything, the way that my thoughts exist is more like a reflection of the directionlessness and lostness and 'chaos' of the 'inner me'. Where, sure, I'm thinking about things, and that machine of thoughts is always turning, but it's not in any way 'organized' and it certainly does not give me oversight, like a map would, of anything.

It's actually more like, because my starting point as the 'inner me' is not stable and is more like 'all over the place', my thoughts will also be 'unstable' and 'all over the place'. And so will at the end of the day only contribute to the problem and make it worse, rather than actually give me stability and structure.

So I suppose my mistake was always to place my thoughts first, before myself, and say "lead the way!". Rather than realizing that thoughts are just a tool and that it's me who needs to 'lead the way'. I need to live stability and structure and direction as myself first, and then I may be able to use thoughts to look at points. But I can never think that thoughts have any power or ability in and of themselves. If anything, thoughts will more just mold and shape themselves around and according to the direction that I give myself internally and will thus simply be a reflection of who I am inside.

Get on Top of your Shit

This is a continuation of my previous post "Excitement vs Enjoyment"

I am very much used to 'directing' myself and my life based on 'what I feel like'. I will usually just do things from moment to moment, based on what I in that moment 'feel like' doing. So very used to 'trusting' emotions and feelings when it comes to how I live and how I see myself and reality.

Needless to say, this has always made 'taking responsibility' quite a struggle for me. Because, I'd obviously never, or VERY RARELY, actually 'feel like' doing the dishes, or cleaning up around the house, doing my homework, or basically doing anything that's required to be done in physical reality to make sure that 'things are taken care of' and to actually create and direct my life and my reality in the context of what I ultimately want. Which is to for instance, have a successful career, own and live in a nice house, have a successful relationship and family, and in the greater picture, build a world that is best for all.

Essentially, I was trading in that 'bigger picture', as what I actually REALLY want, for what was pretty much the 'illusion of want'. These momentary 'experiences' as feelings and emotions. Cause, I'd just NEVER 'feel like' doing basically anything that might in any way really contribute to creating that 'bigger picture'. Like literally, what I 'felt like doing' was most of the time just 'wasting time'. Things to 'distract' and 'entertain' myself for a moment. In a way I was very 'short-sighted'. Kind of only seeing what was right in front of me as 'immediate' and 'instant' gratification, rather than 'keeping my eye on the prize'.

Cause to actually CREATE that 'bigger picture' and truly MANIFEST what you ultimately want, you need to essentially ignore any 'feeling' experiences that come up in the moments. You need to be less 'energy-based', and more 'structural'. You need to give yourself 'instructions' and move yourself based on those instructions.

And it's quite the paradigm shift actually. Because I was following whatever my feelings were telling me I should do, based on a 'trust' that 'somehow' my feelings know something I don't. A trust that feelings are like some 'cosmic connection'. Like a link to the universe that's guiding me to my ultimate goal. And I sort of believed that as long as I just follow my feelings, I'll eventually get to wherever I want to be at. But I'm starting to figure out that it doesn't actually work that way lol.

And that, if anything, feelings are more like just 'coping mechanisms'. It's like I am still a little kid who just kind of feels confused and overwhelmed by reality, and my feelings are just how I 'pacify' myself. Things I do to make myself feel just a little better. There is no 'cosmic connection' or 'greater meaning' to feelings.

'I' need to be that cosmic connection and 'greater meaning'. 'I' need to be that which guides and instructs 'me'. Giving myself the 'structure' that I need and according to which I can move myself, so I can eventually create and manifest what I want to. I must abdicate all feelings so I can have an 'oversight' of what actually needs to be done. So I can be 'on top of my shit'.